Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001) Poster

User Reviews

Review this title
90 Reviews
Sort by:
Filter by Rating:
5/10
Kung Fu Jesus shows some love.
lastliberal4 June 2008
Low budget doesn't have to mean tacky. This is obviously a "B" movie in everything you see, but it has a certain charm. Sometimes, it is a musical, but it certainly isn't Jesus Christ Superstar. Sometimes, it is a Kung Fu movie, but it's nothing like Jet Li.

I was hoping that Jesus would get it on with Mary Magnum, looking as hot as Cat-woman in her red latex, and maybe give some credence to The Da Vinci Code, but no luck.

Jesus was too busy stopping the harvest of lesbians by the evil vampires. Of course, he was pathetic until he enlisted the help of Nacho Libre, well, really Santo Enmascarado de Plata. But, even then things got a little tight before it was all over.

Irreverent dialog makes for one crazy movie.
3 out of 4 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
4/10
So bad it needs to be seen
Leo-Iunti14 October 2019
This is the best movie to watch with friends just to laugh at their reactions to the pacing, the acting , and the randomness of the plot. The fight scenes take longer than they really need to As a movie in of itself it should be a 1/10 ,but i give it 3 stars more just because its hilarious to witness the confusion on peoples faces when you show them this film
1 out of 1 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
5/10
It's all good, it's all right, everybody get laid tonight!
MyOpinionIsFact16 April 2003
I liked this movie although I had to overlook some major flaws. There was some real talent involved in the making of this low-budget flick. The Good: Some very funny moments. The fight choreography was good. Camera work. The sexy waitress. The music was very cool. The Bad: It ran a little long add could have been edited some more. The actors in the fight scenes could have been a little more physical. Jesus should have kept his hair!!!!!! The Ugly: The acting totally sucked although this was part of its charm. The guy playing Jesus did a decent job as did the freaky preacher guy. I'd like to see this movie remade with a better budget. Some of characters would need to go: the clothing store guy and the blood doctor were not likeable, I thought. I gave it 5/10.
2 out of 4 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
Behold his Glory!
Pope-1123 March 2003
Jesus returns to fight an army of lesbian vampires, atheists, and mad doctor and a confused white guy. Helping him are Mary Magnum and El Santos, the Saint of the Wrestling ring. A mix of funny characters and ridiculous fight scenes make this one of the coolest movies on the planet. If your into weird, sacrilegious humor, this movie is for you!
30 out of 40 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
2/10
Terrible... but oh so enjoyable!
gaeadea30 November 2003
I dont remember how I first came to know of this movie, but as soon as I saw the title, i knew I had to see it.

This movie is even worse than the title suggests. The plot is idiotic, the production is terrible, and it's got some of the worst editing and acting ever known to film. But that is precisely why it is so wonderful to watch!

Basically, the mostly non-existant plot consists of Jesus Christ updating his look (complete with earrings and new tennis shoes) and proceding to kick some vampire butt. Oh yeah, and he also likes to spontaneously break into song.

If you rent this movie, expect to fast forward through the "on the road" scenes. They are *very* extended (and seem to take up at least 60% of the screen time). These consist of just Jesus, and others, driving around in cars, not doing much. I think they added these because they didnt have much else to put in the final edit. Fast forward straight to the fight scenes. These are so bad and so rediculous that they're absolutely hilarious!
3 out of 4 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
3/10
Fun if you're not too critical
Bologna King25 July 2006
This is certainly not a great movie. It's not even a good movie. But it is an entertaining movie which is fun to watch.

Here's some reasons you might want to watch this: 1. It's fun, in a crazy way. The director's choices are so weird that they can be funny and it is entertaining just to see what he'll come up with next.

2. If you find inept film-making charming or amusing this will be worth it.

3. If you're open to new outlooks on Christ and Christianity, you might find it interesting.

Here's some reasons you might want to stay away: 1. If you can't stand bad film-making this will drive you nuts. The script is terrible, the concept is goofy, the acting (except Phil Caracas and Maria Moulton) is awful, photography and editing are dreadful.

2. Avoid if you're squeamish about lesbians or blood and gore.

3. If you're looking for a film that makes fun of Jesus, this isn't it. At the beginning there are perhaps a few laughs from a guy looking like your stereotypical Jesus doing kung fu but for most of the film the stereotype is jettisoned and the character of Jesus is rebuilt from scratch (good thing too, as the joke would have become old really quickly). This new Jesus is a sympathetic enough guy and the juxtaposition of his new persona with elements of the stereotype can be quite funny. Personally I'm fond of the nightclub singer Blind Jimmy Leper pointing out "our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ" as a celebrity in the crowd, followed by polite applause.

Don't expect too much, and you can have a good time with this.
4 out of 6 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
7/10
Great comedy in this low-budget indie feature!
jluis19842 May 2006
One cannot expect a serious film with a title like "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter", but even when this low-budget b-movie delivers nothing but laughs, it still has an interesting point and an important message behind its blasphemous wackiness. It is definitely a comedy that replaces budget with brains and successfully transcends its own limitations delivering great entertainment.

The plot is certainly as bizarre as its title: the lesbians of Ottawa are the victims of the increasing population of vampires that seems to be focusing only in them. A group of young Catholic priests become aware of this and have asked the Catholic church for help, but the church doesn't want to help them because it doesn't want to get involved with homosexuals. The priests call their last resource, Jesus Christ (Phil Caracas) himself, who decides to come back to the world to help the lesbians and to prove that homosexuals should not be ignored by the Church.

The movie is a weird mix of good slapstick and well-written irreverent comedy, as it is probably the only movie where Jesus sings, smashes atheists with Kung-Fu moves and receives the aid of Mexican wrestler "Santo" (named "Santos" and played by Jeff Moffet). Independent filmmaker Lee Demarbre and writer Ian Driscoll create a wacky ride of action, horror and comedy in a charming way that one can't help but love their take on Jesus.

Phil Caracas is superb in the role of the messiah and carries the film over his shoulders with grace. His performance is very good, and even when his character has to use modern clothes, he still makes a believable Jesus. Caracas definitely has a bright future as a comedian. Maria Moulton plays Mary Magnum, an agent who is decided to help Jesus in his fight against the vampires. She probably is the best of the cast and her character is not only pretty, but also probably a very meaningful one. Jeff Moffet as Santo is very funny and while his portrayal of the legendary wrestler is a humorous one, it serves to prove the influence of Santo in horror films.

Probably many will be offended by this movie, however, the movie stays true to real Jesus' message of peace, love and understanding. It is an intelligent critic to the homophobic attitude of the Christian religion (specially the Catholic branch) with clever references to the biblical stories and a healthy dose of good humor.

The budget constrains really hurt the film but it is admirable how far the crew went despite their limitations. With a clever use of edition barely manages to "cover" the low-budget problems but still, those problems just add charm to the whole image of "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter". While the film is by no means perfect, it is a very good effort by these filmmakers.

"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" may not be attractive for those expecting well-done acting and effects, but it will please the crowd eager for independent films with more heart than budget. Hopefully in the future the crew behind this small indie masterpiece will receive enough support to create bigger and better films than this. 7/10. Very Recommended.
14 out of 18 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
1/10
Don't Waste Your Time or Brain Cells
dareed-215 February 2008
This could possibly be, no, most definitely was the most incredible waste of 52 minutes. Yes, the movie is actually 85 minutes total running time. 52 is when I tossed up my hands in utter defeat. Clearly a movie meant to entertain only the eight people involved in the film making process. The amateur filmmakers probably get the last laugh though, knowing full well they were trying to pass off a piece of crap as a potential cult classic. I was hoping for a refreshing and fun comedy about Jesus hunting vampires. How could that possibly yield anything other than hilarity? They found a way to suck out any sort of humor from a winning comedic combination. However, if you have a school boy fascination with lesbians, blasphemy, lame acting and repetitive scenes then this is the movie for you! I kept hoping that maybe there was a sense of irony, an extended metaphor or an allusion to deeper work, anything to give the film a shred of interest and I was simply over-looking it, but I really, really, really, doubt it. Please prove me wrong. Help me feel better about my 52 minutes.
4 out of 9 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
7/10
Now here's a good religious movie!
jmanovcanada21 October 2005
This certainly was a B movie, you can tell that the budget was very small. It is quite surprising what they managed to accomplish with so little. I find it ironic that many of the blockbuster Hollywood pushes out these days are almost unwatchable despite huge multi million dollar budgets. I would say that before watching this movie I probably couldn't have named a B movie, but I'm glad I saw this one. The special effects and fighting are pretty terrible but, that gives it a lot of it's charm and makes for a really funny watch. I guess it could depend on your sense of humor but, I thought it was a really funny movie, well worth watching at least once.
11 out of 16 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
1/10
It would be funny if only it wasn't so tedious
mpijoan1 July 2005
This is by far the worst movie I have ever seen and considering I've seen Sasquatch Hunters and Demons at the Door (both of which I hope you've never heard of, for sanity's sake)...that's saying something. The fights scenes are pathetically fake looking and the overall story drags into wretched tedium. It's not a terrible idea, but what they do with it is painfully retarded and not entertaining. I would suggest editing it, but unfortunately the only feasible thing to do would be to cut out everything after the very beginning and do something completely different. Since they couldn't get actors who are even slightly convincing they should redo it with finger puppets or something. I think that would be an improvement.
3 out of 6 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
10/10
Wow, a B-Movie that's actually a B-Movie!
sami-1825 October 2003
It's great to see a low budget b-movie that actually looks and feels like a real B-movie! The genre has become so artificially popularized and 'fetishized' that most recent low budget films have seemed more like relatively capable ventures trying to 'appear' as b-movies. I always felt the overall cinematic incompetence of b-movies was a result of poor financial and technological resources available to the filmmaker. Today the idea of a consciously manipulated shaky digicam is considered to be 'low-tech'. How pretentious! Sorry, I just don't have the ability to reconcile the inherent academic quagmire of the high-tech/low-tech dichotomous relationship that is today's modern b-cinema. Any filmmaker can now pretend to be Orson Welles or Roger Corman rather than find himself forced to follow one or the other due to his vision and associated resources.

So how does this all preface a review of "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter"? Well, here's a grungy little film that never finds a slick moment and something about that is really satisfying. The acting, camera-work, sound, editing, lighting, dubbing and just about every other cinematic component is raw and unrefined... and this is precisely the kind of film they intended to make! All the members of this film - director Demabre, writer Driscoll, the actors, the vampires, the zombies, the lesbians, the corpses, the atheists, the bystanders, the props, the locations - seem to be complicit in the joke. Everyone seems to be having a great time just trying to commit this crazy idea to film.

But should you actually see this film? If you grew up watching b-movies, and aged into understanding what the genre is all about, then you'll easily sink into this little bloodlust and likely soil yourself by the end credits. If you recently discovered b-movies because of some oblique connection to Quentin Tarantino and a brief sitting through the 'Blair Witch Project' you'll think it's far too low-brow and a waste of good film stock - not to mention being embarrassed in front of your beret-wearing, gitannes-smoking, art-house friends for seeing such a film.

"Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" is a riot from beginning to end. Like many of it's great predecessors ("A Polish Vampire in Burbank" comes to mind) it's an ironic, creative, cliched genre experiment wrapped up in a consciously handicapped final package. Phil Caracas, who plays Jesus, has the kind of hardened gristled features we've seen on the faces of actors like Gary Oldman and Bruce Campbell. Like Campbell, Caracas never falters with his role - he remains in character and truly projects the necessary determined, single-minded missionary/militant slayer attitude throughout. This no-name actor is actually very good! Unlike Campbell though, Caracas only appears to be about 5'2" tall, but that somehow adds an even greater depth to his character's anger!

The kung-fu sequences are surprisingly well conceived and executed for such a film. The action is always hilarious and, as viewers, we're constantly aware that the actors are just barely fulfilling the required stunt choreography. One can imagine the director shouting, "Cut! That's good enough. We'll just have to go with that and fix it in editing!" But in this film even the editing phase is likely to be a clunky non-fix. Classic! Most memorable are the scenes of Jesus using drum sticks and pool cues to kill vampires in a jazz club, and a daylight vampire battle in a park where real families can be seen picknicking and playing in the background. A true b-movie cares not for silly protocol such as securing a proper location shoot!

Find this film... somewhere... watch it, and poop your pants!
38 out of 48 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
7/10
Quirky concept, OK execution.
Ky-D9 May 2005
For the name alone, I want to give this a ten, but there some serious problems with this off-beat and often entertaining horror/comedy.

Vampires threaten the safety of the world. Who better to throw a beat down on the euro-mythos based blood suckers than the son of God. After a musical number (very funny) Jesus sets about the business of vampire slaying with the help of a sexy mortal girl and Mexican wrestling hero Santos.

Quirky to the extreme, the film tries as hard as it can to be religiously funny without ever crossing too far into the realm of sacrilegious. It may be a tad suspect, but for whatever reason it's never offensive. Jesus is a likable fella, as are his companions. There is some blood and gore, but it is never excessive or out of place.

The pro-sides of the film are some genuinely funny writing and set pieces. The opening song is great, as is the musical number. The fight scenes are pretty decent as well, particularly an early fight sequence where Jesus takes on a vampire clown car endlessly releasing more bad guys. And the way Jesus talks to his mom (Mother Mary) and dad (God) are good for a laugh.

Sadly, other aspects of the film are all kinds of wrong. For one voice looping is so bad I have to imagine that is was intentional. For another the film is way too long; many scenes seem to run endlessly and the pacing is all wrong. Lastly is the budget, or lack there of; the filmmakers do a decent job with what they have, but they often attempt to perform well beyond there means.

A few changes could have made a classic. Still enjoyable, but far from perfect.

7/10
3 out of 5 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
1/10
Jesus Christ.? this is God-awful..
drockhammy22 January 2009
This film was nearly impossible to sit through, but as a die hard film critic and fan, I decided to power through. The only way I made it all the way to the end was because I had a few friends to joke with about it the whole way through, which was far more interesting than the movie itself.

From a production standpoint, it's unbearable. It seems like they grabbed a camera from circa 1975 and shot the whole thing with only video on 16mm film, then dubbed EVERY SOUND OVER..from background noise to main concept dialogue. Hardly any of this is correct as far as continuity goes, but I didn't expect much from the first scene on.

I read online that this film had a $100,000 budget. It's movies like this that really encourage me to go to film school, because I know that if I only had a $20 budget, I could still make a better film than this.

Please don't put yourself through the torture of watching this movie...unless you have some witty friends 'enjoy' it with you and keep it interesting =D
3 out of 7 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
"Sorry Mate, My Compassion Ended At 6 PM!"...
azathothpwiggins10 December 2018
In JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER, those pesky bloodsuckers are up to their toothsome troublemaking once more. Thus, causing a severe lesbian shortage! Thankfully, Jesus (Phil Caracas) is nearby, and the battle is enjoined. Let the kung fu of righteousness begin!

Sporting a new, shorter hairdo, and a zip in his step, JCVH takes on the nefarious ne'er-do-wells of the night... and day! With an assist from Mary Magnum (Maria Moulton), the Savior cops some new threads and hits the street on Mary's two-wheeled mercy machine. The non-denominational duo soon discovers the lair of the eeevil Dr. Praetorious (Josh Grace) and his villainous vampire cohorts, Johnny Golgotha (Ian Driscoll) and Maxine Schreck (Murielle Varhelyi). Can these terrible, plasma-drinking tosspots possibly be defeated, before implementing their ultimate plan?

Enter Santos (Jeff Moffet), the marvelously masked, Mexican wrestler of miracles! Together, these soldiers of goodness shall certainly prevail! Behold! The Jesus drum solo / bar room, vampire slaughter fest! Witness! The junkyard tag team, all-out catastrophic karate, gut-slinging, pile-driving, soul-saving, car-hopping, heart-munching, undead-sizzling finale to end all finales! Hallelujah! Let! Us!! Pray!!!

P.S.- Fear not. Nothing serious lies herein...
6 out of 7 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
1/10
Truly Hellish
wasabipeaz25 March 2005
Oh, sweet Jesus... make it stop! I love B grade flicks, especially spoof flicks, but this one had no redeeming qualities whatsoever.

If you're looking for a B-grade comedy, try THE LOST SKELETON OF CADAVRA.

If you're looking for a B-grade vampire flick also made in Canada, try BLOOD AND DONUTS.

If you're looking for a twisted, B-grade musical, try CANNIBAL, by the makers of SOUTH PARK.

If you're looking for any of the above, don't rent this. It isn't worth using as a coaster. Even the extra features available on the disc, such a the HARRY KNUCKLES trailer, were boring and poorly done.
3 out of 7 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
1/10
Woe Unto Thee
Urantia6 March 2012
Although fiction may use real people and real events along with or instead of imaginary characters, my view is that it crosses the line and becomes an egregious act of slanderous defamation and calumnious denigration when it deliberately distorts the reality of a historically prominent figure and maliciously misrepresents the nature and character of that person. So, for example, to portray a known-to-be-non-violent person such as Jesus of Nazareth as being some kung-fu warrior who inflicts bodily harm upon others does way more than cross that line that ignores the reality of Jesus...it tries to form that line into another bloody cross and nail Him to it all over again! Although non-violent, Jesus is certainly no cowardly wimp. And not all students of His teachings are gonna just sit back and turn the other cheek so to speak while movie-makers merrily mock Him like He is some kind of circus clown or prophet puppet fashioned solely for their amusement! Woe unto thee, ye ungodly perpetrators of this cosmic crime, an evil attack against God and All Beings Holy and Divine! Woe unto thee, you mischievously wicked malcontents who peddle your dirty little damnation deed perhaps inspired by some demonically-flavored Satan-seed! Woe unto thee, ye blinded by darkness fools who squirm like slothful worms in the thick mud of night, trembling like broken twigs in the wind when confronted by the God of Life and Light! So to sum up this movie in just three words: Slander. Blasphemy. Sacrilege. To sum up Jesus in three words: I will not even attempt that one. There are no words adequate enough to even partially describe His gracious nature and charismatic personality. But to know Him is to love Him. And to love Him is to defend Him when others spit in His Face and trample all over His offers of mercy and grace.
3 out of 9 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
6/10
Metrosexual Kung fu Jesus defends the Lesbians
jlw12165 December 2020
Warning: Spoilers
That about sums it up. Gratuitous Jesus ninja fight montages. Quite a few quoteable lines. For example: "You're gettin' all the Koolaid and you don't even know the flava." Also, Jesus' mom is a dollar tree nightlight. Watch it.
0 out of 0 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
2/10
This is NOT a good film, or even a good bad film
Lawrence_Person6 December 2003
OK, let me be blunt: This is NOT a good film, or even a good bad film. There are some clever ideas in here, but they're undermined by incredibly incompetent execution: bad acting, bad dubbing, bad fight scene, bad dubbing. (Frankly, I've seen better high school plays.) Only worth renting if you want to invite your friends over and do a live MST3K version of it. It is, in fact, better than Manos, the Hands of Fate, but not by much.
2 out of 5 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
8/10
Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter: Jesus........With VAMPIRES!
DjFelix25 May 2005
JCVH is possibly one of the greatest examples of great movies that suck. JCVH is an awesome movie for this reason. True fans of film and people who have been at the bottom of the game understand what a hassle it can be to work without a budget. This film has some of the cheesiest effects that i've seen, but that is where it scores it's major points. With it's unbelievable amount of originality it's hard to understand how anyone could not want to see this movie. Most cynical reviewers will attack it's lack of 5 star acting, or it's lack of big budget effects, but the true deciding factor in a real fan of cinema's eyes is heart. This movie was scrounged together (For those of you who actually took the time to watch the special features on the DVD) and yet it was a huge favorite at many a film festival. This movie deserve much more credit that it is given, and I am going to see that it gets it.
17 out of 21 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
7/10
Jesus...
Boba_Fett113816 August 2011
Thank Jesus! Here is actually a deliberate B-movie that is good but above all fun to watch.

Most problem with modern B-movies is that they are all too aware of themselves, are are too forced with all of its B-movie ingredients. This movie just doesn't seem to care about what it is or who it is going to appeal to. It's just doing his own thing, which makes this movie an odd but fun viewing experience.

It's still deliberately a B-movie though and made to look deliberately bad and silly at times, without it ever coming across as forced. You can't even call it a B-movie at times but more of an amateur student-film. It has some deliberately bad fighting and gory sequences in it, awkward musical moments, bad writing and the entire movie is dubbed, to make the entire movie seem even more cheap and amateur like than it already was. The movie really manages well to create its own style and look. There is no other movie like "Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter" really, or anything that can even be remotely compared to it.

Yes, it's a pretty weird movie and by no means a great one or even a well made one. It's very random with its story and everything that is happening in it and more than often it really isn't making any sense. But I actually loved this movie for not making any sense with its story, characters and events. It was what made this movie such a fun one throughout and you don't have to think or worry about anything and simply enjoy the movie for what it is. I don't even think it was really intended to have a story in it. Just a couple of guys and girls wanting to have a good time and make the movie they would all enjoy watching. It explains why the movie has Jesus, Kung-Fu fighting, vampires, a wrestler and lesbians in it. I don't think any of them will move on to do great things within the movie industry but at least they with this movie delivered one they can look back at with pride and nothing but good feelings, I would imaging, since this movie most likely was a whole lot of fun to make.

Thank you Christ!

7/10

http://bobafett1138.blogspot.com/
0 out of 0 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
1/10
The difference between B-Movie and Shite.
bhu737 August 2010
There is a difference between an honest b-movie and completely amateur crap. Watch this movie.It will assist you in learning to know the difference. I am sure that a bunch of pals had a great time making this film. I am equally certain that there is no need to inflict it upon a wider world. My suspicion is that this was done for a bet to see if people could be persuaded to buy it, it is so consciously bad that it is impossible to see it in any other light. Other reviewers have suggested a "good enough, lets cut and move on" mentality, I suggest that not even a brain-dead monkey could view 90% of this as good enough. I dread to think what was left on the cutting-room floor.
2 out of 5 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
8/10
Thank God for low budget films...
FilmFlaneur10 May 2005
Cheerfully cheap and good naturedly blasphemous, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is blessed with a once in a lifetime title which makes it irresistible. It is also the first feature-length film by Lee Demarbre, a Canadian director and stars his favourite actor-friend: Phil Caracas, the lead of the director's previous two shorter works, based around the character 'Harry Knuckles'. Caracas has since appeared in a more diffuse second feature by Demarbre, the cunningly named Harry Knuckles And The Pearl Necklace (2004), and presumably will also be seen in his upcoming 'Black Kissinger'.

Described as a "kung-fu action / comedy / horror / musical about the second coming" Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter delivers in varying degrees on all these points, with the good Lord punching out, and then staking out, vampires, this while making with biblical wit, coping with gory attacks from body parts as well as finding time for the odd musical number. The film starts with a rising babble of voices, "Are you there, God? Give me a sign! Let me know you care!" - to which the following narrative provides a playful answer: yes He is there, out drop kicking evil doers, in holy robes, socks and trainers on the dangerous streets of Ottawa. Not before an intro from a bearded prophet though, (unnamed but with echoes of John The Baptist) who draws our attention to the significance of what we will shortly behold, an attempt to fill "the empty house of the soul." Exactly what the prophet has in mind by way of further enlightenment is vague, but without further ado we are plunged into the first vampire attack. In modern times vampires have come on apace since their more traditional forebears, and can now venture out in the daylight. Just as important is the fact that, in this film at least, they only seek out fellow lesbians.

Naturally, this scourge alarms the church, and two clerics are dispatched to fetch the only man who can save the situation - Jesus Christ, found in characteristic baptismal pose at the seashore. Shortly after the Lord offers them refreshment in an exchange recalling loaves and fishes ("Lemonade?" / "Will there be enough?" / "Oh there will be plenty"), lesbian vampires attack them. A first bout of kung fu ensues and Jesus duly shows his mettle. After this temporary setback, and to a books-of-the-Bible countdown, the Lord promptly climbs aboard his scooter and heads back to the city for a haircut, ear piercing, change of clothes and to challenge the forces of evil. Soon he sings a song, in echo of the original entry into Jerusalem (here on a skateboard), encounters his first helper - the curvaceous Mary Magnum, and hears the voice of God speaking from a bowl of cherry ice cream...

Filmed an a minuscule budget, and designed as a gentle parody rather than anything more offensive, Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter largely succeeds because of the brisk editing, novelty of conception and the unpretentious involvement of all concerned. No one will pretend that the acting is anything but than rudimentary or that action scenes are not roughly choreographed. But the fun is the thing. Evil in Ottawa eventually takes many forms, including bloody criminal mastermind Johnny Golgotha, the dreaded 'kung-fu atheists' and bars full of vampires - variables dictated one suspects by the pool of talent on hand during any given day. Demarbre has a weakness for martial arts and in themselves Jesus' fights, being just that little bit slow and off the mark, are amusing spoofs of more sophisticated action films. With this challenge in mind, perhaps sensing that the Lord needs some support in the second half, writer-director Demarbre has Christ call on an ally, the famous Mexican wrestling legend Santo (well, okay, not the real celebrity, just a fat guy in a mask). One standout scene features the two, battling vampires in the aptly named Dominion bar. Taking place just after a less than inspirational performance by entertainer Blind Johnny Leper, this battle utilises such disparate items as crutches, billiard cues, and even cocktail sticks as stakes necessary to finish the job.

Foes eventually defeated, Jesus of course confirms matters with a sermon, that "it's the message that's the point, not the messenger" and indeed this salient point might well underline much of the film's success. That one doesn't need an officially approved Christ to make moral points about coping with evil... or, come to that, a hundred million dollars and CGI to make an entertaining movie. (See also: UltraChrist if you liked this one)
16 out of 22 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
6/10
Should be on MST3000
kreagan8212 August 2006
Okay, this movie is horribly acted and the story is ridiculous. I could never take this movie seriously. But if you take a couple of your close and creative friends and make comments through the whole movie - Mystery Science Theater 3000 style - this movie can be quite fun. The dialogue is extremely out there - not to mention the story. Lesbian Vampires, hot Jesus with ear piercing AND ninja fighting ability, and a hot women in a leather attire. It's just silly!

I need to add in more text. Anyways, it's the new millennium and Jesus must fight the forces of evil that are praying on lesbians. Where did all the lesbians go? I don't know. But Jesus will find out with his ninja kick and holy water.
0 out of 0 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
1/10
Jesus Christ Crap Pile Hunter
hendrixy629 August 2006
I have seen a bundle of bad horror films and bad horror spoofs in my lifetime. This is an obvious choice for "Worst Bad Movie Ever". The acting was god awful but that isn't what made this movie stink. The action scenes were badly filmed and incredibly boring. The outfits were simply terrible the script was undefinable and the director must have been a mentally retarded monkey. The film moved so slow and none of the jokes worked. You didn't like any of the characters and you could care less about the entire film. Ten minutes in you know you are in for a hour plus coma-watch. I drank so much coffee before I watched this and during. It made no difference. Watching this movie is like swallowing a sleeping pill coated in bloody bile and traced with razor sharp edges. I'd rather cough blood up for the rest of my life than watch this movie ever again. The biggest flaw is that they cut Jesus's hair and beard off ten minutes into the film. That was a huge mistake. The whole movie hinged on the fact that the vampire hunter was Jesus. When you cut his hair and remove the beard you just have another retarded Canadian. Christ, this movie stank.
2 out of 5 found this helpful. Was this review helpful? Sign in to vote.
Permalink
An error has occured. Please try again.

See also

Awards | FAQ | User Ratings | External Reviews | Metacritic Reviews


Recently Viewed