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Alondro
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How to Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World (2019)
Apparently no one has seen other generic kid-animal movies...
This is no 10/10 by any measure. Aside from CGI, which is meaningless today (if you have bad CGI in your movie, it's basically the equivalent of those 90's Disney rip-off films from Italian studios with no budget), there isn't anything to this story I haven't seen a hundred times before in generic kiddie movies. The story is just a series of hashed-together tropes:
The Lightfury was a form-fitting metaphor for this movie: a pale, featureless imitation of the first, with several new shiny bells and whistles, but no other purpose aside from breaking down everything built up.
1. bad guy is bad because he's bad (previous movie's villain had a reasonable motivation and drive to his actions).
2. Sudden love interest immediately drives wedge between friendship
3. Animals must 'return to the wild' because for some reason it's the only way they can be safe... (PETA, is that you?) Heck, this exact sort of thing is what the 1967 "Jungle Book" gave us, just inverting the trope in which Mowgli gets the sudden love interest and leaves his friends after they defeat the main villain. FORMULAIC!!
4. Long-term memory functions of the animal characters' brains are clearly damaged, despite numerous cases of REAL ANIMALS remembering people for DECADES, despite being nowhere as quasi-sapient as these fantasy dragons. We see this often in typical Hollywood movies about 'wild animals' since they know nothing about animals, but like to pretend they do because they all support fanatical animal rights rhetoric.
Heck, this plot plays out extremely similarly to "Back to the Future 3". Love interest, bland villain who's a copy of a better one from the previous film (a more literal copy in that case), the danger of the plot device now suddenly too dangerous to be permitted to exist (Delorian too risky, dragons staying with humans too risky)the smashing of the first movie's plot device (literally having the Delorian hit by a train), and the pseudo-partings.
And if that were not enough, every other element of the film is a pale pastel puzzle of parts, many of which don't fit together well into the narrative flow.
It's exceedingly formulaic, to the point it hit EVERY SINGLE NOTE I and some writer pals were hoping it WOULD NOT lay out after we'd seen the trailers, given that they are THE MOST PREDICTABLE AND LAZY POSSIBLE OUTCOMES for those plot devices.
People are, as usual, allowing their 'feels' to run their brains, when just the slightest application of reason reveals this film's story is about equivalent to a typical fanfic which wouldn't pass muster in a college creative writing class.
Replicas (2018)
My company has a MUCH better idea for this concept... in fact...
... given my treatment for an almost identical opening plot line in what is intended to be a short animated film was submitted in 2004, this is almost certainly trying to steal it.
Fortunately for me, they BUTCHERED the idea with the incessant need to shove evil bad guys into a story which should have focused entirely upon the human element and the nebulous notion of what makes us human, as well as notions of selfless love and self-sacrifice.
Instead, it was twisted into a generic and terribly-written pile of random Hollywood excrement.
I'm actually pleased, as this means MY idea is still intact and ready to rend hearts when I've perfected the one scene still annoying me.
She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
They dare compare this tripe to Mizaki?
This animation is VASTLY below Ghibli's level! It's not even close to "Avatar: The Last Airbender"! The characterization is horrendous, not a single one feels like an actual person in any way, shape, or form.
The plotting is absurd, clearly no research went into how a war would actually be fought or how to craft the conflict in a way that created meaningful stakes and the appearance of a genuine threat.
This feels like a cheap hack-job remake of "Sailor Moon" pushed by socially-awkward Tumblr artists.
The Game (1997)
Contrived, nonsensical balderdash
I saw this movie tonight, knowing nothing about it, with my father. We both concluded it had to have gotten a horrible rating because it was the most preposterous bunch of nonsense I've ever seen which demanded it be taken seriously by its audience.
There are so many ways the main character SHOULD have died, which the game people could NEVER have predicted ahead of time... it's beyond absurd.
It reminds me of a comic which did this exact thing with the plot... and pissed off almost its entire audience. Seems comic nerds have better taste.
The Nun (2018)
And horror fans get suckered AGAIN!!
Seriously people... will you EVER learn?
Ooooo! Scary nun face! Ok, what else is there?
Answer: NOTHING!! This is as lazy a cash grab as there has ever been, and horror fans just throw their money at it.
Well, I can't fault the makers. They knew they had a bunch of suckers and are gleefully milking them dry.
The Darkest Minds (2018)
Tumblr made a movie?
This entire concept sounded awful from the start... and the result was even worse.
This was the sort of utter garbage I've come to expect from the worst of fandom websites.
Any 10/10 ratings here are either frauds or agenda-driven drones incapable of independent thought.
I won't bother explaining the movie... it's not worth it. It's really not.
The Happytime Murders (2018)
This is a shock movie without a brain
I actually don't hate "Cool World" as much now. That movie at least had a solid storyline and character motivation.
This.. this was just "Hey! Let's have puppets do filthy things and then inject agenda-driven social commentary randomly and about as subtly as a 2x4 up the rear... which is a puppet fantasy, more than likely! Har har har!"
It's as if drunk stoners addicted to porn watched "Who Framed Roger Rabbit" and said, "Hey, we can do that!"
No, no you can't. This was terrible. Hollywood, just stop. You suck.
Santa Jaws (2018)
Ok, sarcastic 10/10's aside...
This might have worked as some skit on SNL for 5 minutes every Christmas, or as an episode of "South Park" poking fun at terrible shark and Christmas movies simultaneously.
But good lord this was stupid. And it tried to take this incredibly stupid concept absolutely seriously. And the CGI... it's a SyFy original, you all know what to expect. And you will not be mistaken. There was also very little of it. There was very little... anything. I don't think the creators had either the budget or creativity to do anything even amusing with their one-note concept.
Two stars are for the actors, who tried their very best through one of the dumbest ideas in cinematic history. I think several of them deserve a shot in something better-made. And one is for the primary camera work which at least looks modestly well-done.
The Believers (1987)
Overacting does not help
Ok, I'm currently watching this on Comet Channel... I don't know what's supposed to be scary about this. I'm about half-way through and finding it very hard to force myself to watch any further. It's slow-paced, exaggerated, with too may scenes of just people blabbering on about things we don't see. Plot points just jump around, the tone is inconsistent as hell. It's often silly and the overacting is the only thing that elicited any emotion from me aside from boredom.
It often throws in symbolism no one outside of whatever this belief system is would understand in the least. As such, there's no impact. There's no dread or tension when we have no clue why spooky music plays in response to a kid dropping a cowrie shell. What the heck?
I suppose people who believe in this nonsense in reality find it frightening. For those who live in the 'real' world, it's just dull and dumb.
Annihilation (2018)
Horror, thinly disguised as sci-fi.
There is nothing deep about this movie. Apparently people find obvious and ancient concepts tossed about since Plato deep and compelling these days because they don't know any better.
As for 'sci-fi', there is NOTHING scientific about this. "Alien" had more science in it. This might as well have been an invasion by fairies using magic to mess with us, hell, it would've actually made more sense.
Yet another horribly over-rated movie by people who wish to seem smart when mediocrity is beyond their comprehension.
It wasn't the worst sci-fi movie of late. But it didn't offer anything interesting or have anything profound to say.
A Ghost Story (2017)
A model for the Hollywood mentality...
And on that point, we delve into the self-congratulatory world of Hollywood elitism (which, after recent scandalous events, must by all thinking individuals be recognized as the utmost form of hypocrisy and self-contradiction).
This very drab and ponderously slow-paced film offers us philosophy... at a pre-college level. The concepts that perhaps life has no meaning and everything we do fades to nothing is a notion anyone on the upper half of the IQ charts has already contemplated by middle school.
But we must delve even beyond the veneer of the film's nihilistic notions of the universe, and when we do we find the events in the film contradict the philosophy entirely! The drugged-out drunk raver who blathers on about concepts clearly beyond his actual comprehension and educational level presents us with a presupposed conclusion that his speech, being the ONLY lengthy piece of vocal narrative in the entire film, is bestowing upon us some grand cosmic truth.
And yet, ample evidence exists to declare this view FALSE within the film's own universe! I present the evidence thusly: 1: If we accept that the ghost lingers through a re-birth of the universe into a repeat universe, then already the druggie Plato's declaration that all trace of us vanishes before the universe ends is clearly wrong by the film's presented 'reality'.
2. The speech supposes that each reborn universe is independent of the previous loop... proved wrong when the ghost interacts with an object in the room detected by the new copy of himself and his wife. This is true whether or not it was a new universe OR a time loop. The fact remains that the ghost directly influenced events in a time stream beyond his natural existence.
3. The glowy doorway... we see this for a few moments. What was it? Well, we have no idea, but given that it is a DOORWAY, we can conclude that the offer to the ghost was there to STEP THROUGH IT!! And what would be on the 'other side'? Well, obviously something BEYOND DEATH! Otherwise, what would be the purpose of the doorway? All these suggestions are there that in the film's universe there are MULTIPLE ways even the most simple and uneventful life can influence the cosmos for eons, perhaps even into the next universe itself... and yet the movie seems to contradict itself again in a pure paradox when both ghosts we see abruptly disappear when they come to some conclusion.
So, in all... is the movie saying anything? Or is it merely a loose amalgamation of random bits of philosophy assembled by a pseudo-intellectual who believes he's come to brilliant insights about life because a cabal of other similarly deficient simians have told him he's brilliant? The film throws out concepts, then gives evidence those are wrong, then contradicts that idea. In summation, it ends up being a shrug and "I dunno!" I could go into the love and relationship angles too, but those follow much the same patterns. Attachment is good, then bad, then good, then futile, then... I dunno! Is that all Lowery is really saying in this drawn out declaration of non-knowledge, that he has no idea what the reality is? Well, did it really require so much time to say so little? The only other possibility is that it's deliberate. That Lowery is giggling to himself right now that his stealthy middle finger to the art-house crowd has garnered the pretentious praise he expected from them for a film he made as pointlessly ponderous as possible, and only we who are able to separate ourselves from the fantasy world of the film and perform an analysis not merely of metaphysics but of motivation around the creation of the film itself are getting the joke.
My Little Pony: The Movie (2017)
Not "The Emoji Movie"... but not much better.
Stock, one-dimensional characters and far too many of them is one of the serious issues in this movie. No one is developed enough. Backstory for the most important villain, Tempest, is thrown in near the end almost as an afterthought when it should have been brought up early and developed deeper as the focal point for her drive and motivation.
The animation medium merging is uneven, the styles clash frequently, the ponies color saturation often doesn't match the backgrounds especially in darker settings causing them to stand out garishly. Some of the wedged in CGI objects look quite poor even if going by early 2000's standards and I don't even know why CGI is there in the first place.
The backgrounds appear to have been made by people making two different movies. Some are so flat and lifeless and undetailed they look like a poor direct-to-video cartoon, while others are dark, detailed and show depth. There's no consistency in style and tone and that's a glaring error even most bad animated movies don't make, save for the worst of the worst.
The plot relies heavily on two ill-defined McGuffins which act as required for the plot to happen... and completely written out of the movie are all the powerful characters (Discord, dragons, changelings, etc) and pre-existing McGuffins (such as the Elements, Alicorn Amulet, and Tree of Harmony) which could have come into play, meaning this movie cannot possibly tie into the show canon at all (perhaps a saving grace where the show is concerned).
And then there's Sia's role... or, perhaps I should say, the lack of a role. She has a glorified cameo which adds exactly nothing to the story. And for that matter, most songs save for one were annoying and out-of-place to anyone not obsessed with modern tween pop.
It's just a very uninspired script with less-than-stellar animation. The show has already done much better with much less.
Rick and Morty: The Ricklantis Mixup (2017)
A subtle message so complex...
... most people seem to have missed it.
I shall explain it thusly, and those who are wise will understand: merely by pointing out injustices and promising unity, an evil mastermind has risen to rule.
This took the idea of the "Manchurian Candidate" one step further, to the point where the candidate himself is the conspiracy and sets up his own victimization.
It's not the first material to use a Xanatos Gambit of this complexity, nor the first to ponder social and political manipulation to this extreme... but it's the first to encapsulate it so succinctly and still permit strong characterization.
If one wishes to take a message from this, perhaps the best would be to always question that which seems too convenient or easy to believe, and that even the most apparently well-intentioned of messages can be used to engineer disaster.
Call it pessimistic, but it's how reality and human nature frequently turn out when emotion rather than wisdom becomes the driving decision maker. That's how you put monsters in charge.
Mother! (2017)
Art is not shoving everything into a blender...
As I say in the title of my review, it is neither artful nor profound to jam every possible reference and metaphor into your movie. It's lazy. It means you have no clear direction and/or are trying to appear meaningful while being unable to resist inserting your own 'struggle' into the 'high concept'... as though you are equating yourself with the existential conflicts of gods and nature... I should think this is the penultimate epitome of pretentiousness and narcissism.
Yes, I got ALL the possible meanings of everything thrust into this amalgamation of horror and pseudo-philosophy tropes. And that was the problem... they were ALL THERE. There was no one idea prevailing; it was, as other reviewers noted, throwing all the poo against the wall and seeing what stuck... and the result was merely akin to a port-a-potty explosion.
The only reason I've given it a 2 was that there were so many abysmal movies this year that this one does rise a little higher by comparison... but only barely.
This is a movie for all the art-house crowd who believe their own self-delusions of brilliance and the Hollywood elite who pat themselves on the back ceaselessly.
I would compare it to the absurdly high praise for "Boyhood".
The Manhattan Project (1986)
I expect this sort of stupid from fanfics...
Had the Internet existed when this movie was made, I'd have expected the writers hastily read over a Wikipedia article on how to build a nuke, never bothered to actually make note of the details (since they couldn't understand them anyway) and didn't bother to research the effects of the intense radiation pure plutonium would be giving off, nor its incredible toxicity to biological life. They also didn't bother looking up government policy or even trying to craft a plausible ending. Not only were the characters being lost in the Idiot Ballpit, I think the movie's creators managed to infect themselves with their creation's idiocy. Nothing at all in the movie is remotely believable, as quite a few other reviewers have noted as well.
I'd find "The Goonies" more believable than this nonsense, because at least that movie doesn't have the gall to pretend it's scientifically-based.
Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Finally!
Not absolutely perfect... but so damned close, I might as well just stick the 10 on there.
I agree with not regurgitating the origin story again. Not only does practically everyone on Earth over the age of 10 already know it by heart, but the story for the movie really didn't need it; those little blurbs here and there were enough.
Not only was Tom great as Peter/Spidey, the perfect bumbling but good-hearted nerd trying to find his place in the world and how he should behave as a young superhero, but the supporting cast was wonderful.
And Keaton as the Vulture... FANTASTIC!! He could be totally menacing and yet understandable, and even at the end still held a slight shred of honor despite all he'd done.
Say... do you all realize that every superhero fic Keaton has been in, he's had wings? Batman, Birdman, now the Vulture... I'm seeing a pattern here! It was incredibly humorous, had great heart, great characters, and it managed to tie into the developments of "Civil War" without that story overriding this movie's individual tale.
Plus, the lesser (though still quite tense and potentially devastating) stakes were perfect for an up-and-coming superhero.
Ah, I can't really say anything more without spoiling things, and this is one movie where you really don't want anything exposed before your first viewing. It's simply a glorious superhero movie experience, one of the best of the best Marvel has made thus far.
Okja (2017)
The new "Free Willy"
If you've seen the aforementioned movie, consider this very similar with it's message, only now targeting the meat industry rather than SeaWorld.
Let's be honest here, in a real-life setting, the industry who made the giant hippo-pig with floppy ears would realize very quickly the detrimental effects of a negative PR campaign around a genetically-engineered, totally new species that looks too cute. Heck, they'd probably engineer them to look hideous or frightful so nobody would care if they got butchered. People are biased like that. Just ask snakes and spiders.
It's such a propaganda piece for ALF and PETA it borders on childish and self-satirizing at times.
It's competent in its construction, and that's its only saving grace, since the message is pretty heavy-handed.
As for those who allow a FANTASY to tell them how to live their lives and what REAL-LIFE decisions to make... you need to grow up. Seriously.
Transformers: The Last Knight (2017)
Does Bay have a bet with somebody?
I have to wonder at this point if Michael Bay is making these movies on a bet that he can turn out garbage that's progressively worse each time and still be profitable due to degenerate fanboy mentality and exceedingly low-taste foreign audiences more addicted to mindless action schlock than even Americans ever were.
This is a gleaming golden special effects extravaganza doused in raw sewage writing. It's the most overt example of 'pornographied' action whoring I have ever witnessed, with nary a thought to plot construction, characterization, comedy, drama, continuity... or any other scripting skill for that matter.
But what else can I say? I have to be honest, if I could put this little effort to a series and have a few hundred million morons keep making me richer because of their obsession with robots and explosions, I'd sell out quicker than Google acquiesced to China's censorship laws.
Despite the rhetoric its frontmen spew, Hollywood is really about nothing more than profits. This movies series is but a metaphor for the film industry.
Hanazuki: Full of Treasures (2017)
Anime-like LSD trip?
This one is hard to rate... I almost always check out new cartoons, and occasionally there are hidden gems among the general muck... such as "Steven Universe". With this show, I hardly can fathom how to rate it and I had to force myself to watch 3 episodes. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't anything that interesting either. But I think I know why, and it's two main factors. And I think that's also why despite this series garnering over a hundred million views, there are virtually no critical ratings or analyses.
Firstly because it's CLEARLY not for anyone over the age of 6. I got absolutely nothing out of it. The story and character development is incredibly basic, hyper-simplified so that toddlers can comprehend it.
Secondly, it's very VERY odd. Almost "Teletubbies"-level odd, but slightly more comprehensible. The world is somewhat reminiscent of "The Little Prince" in its construction of many small moons with different traits and inhabitants, but the story has an anime-like feel... I would say something along the lines of almost a "Samurai Jack" for 3-year olds... and the sum effect of anyone old enough to form complete thoughts watching it boils down to 'wut?'. I can see how very young children overall would be hooked by it. It has all the flashy colors and quick movement that keep little kids... and cats... fixated.
So, I suppose this is the equivalent of having your kids chase a laser pointer dot on the floor. But it's not really an entertaining cartoon for anyone really looking for a higher level of story or characters or humor. You could view it as a competent introduction of story elements, but I really don't think it's going to have much staying power. I predict something of a fad time period which will begin to burn itself out in about 3 more years, much like "Teletubbies".
Doctor Who: Thin Ice (2017)
About as generic as it gets... until next episode
OK, another monster in the Thames. We've been there before. Several times. And this one has somehow been there... forever? How? Why? Who chained it the first time? Why hadn't it moved before it was chained? Why did people chain it rather than kill it hundreds(?) of years ago when it was first 'caught' when they wouldn't have had the means or forethought to check the magical poo of the thing to see if it would be good fuel. Why does it need to eat people? Wouldn't practically any mammal do, given we're all constructed basically the same? This can't simply be brushed off! The monster is your CORE PLOT DEVICE and it NEEDS a reason for being there in a historically highly populated area with intense ship traffic where there is no way in heck it wouldn't have been noticed by now given its sheer size. Even the WORST of the old series tried to give some sort of reason the monster of the week was where it was! And the villain is so one-dimensionally over the top and uninteresting and un-compelling and flat... ugh, I would have preferred a comic villain in the vein of Dr. Evil! And the Doctor in this one... since when does THE DOCTOR sympathize more with the monster that EATS PEOPLE! I don't even know who this character is anymore! If the monster had, I dunno, been sapient and starving and felt sad about eating people but it had no other food... maybe I could accept it... sort of? But as far as we are told, it's just an animal. A man-eating animal. Like ones The Doctor has blown up in many many episodes in the past 50 years. And last I checked, we still tended to kill every man-eating everything anyway. Are we supposed to now feel sorry for the giant python that ate the guy a couple weeks ago? The storytelling is simply preposterous now.
I don't blame Capaldi any more than I did poor Sylvester McCoy... the writers should be ashamed. They get PAID to write this series, and it's as though they're not even trying. I've seen BAD fanfics better than this drivel.
The only thing that will make this episode better is comparing it to the NEXT episode, which is a horror cliché so overdone that the Outer Limits already did it TWICE, and then there was the movie "Monster House". And Doctor Who has ALSO used familiar themes several times. Remember the people disappearing into the fake second-floor flat that was really a space-ship? For a series that can take its characters literally anywhere in the universe in any time... it seems really invested in going nowhere but where everyone has already tread a worn and tired path.
Ghost in the Shell (2017)
Just the shell...
It gets a 3 only for SOME of the visual effects... as others have noted, some scenes don't work and appear more unreal than the old 2D animated film.
As for the most important part: the story... where did it go? The writers of this screenplay had the greatest advantage possible: A PERFECT, ACCLAIMED ORIGINAL. It was a story which addressed very complex subjects of mind versus machine: at what point does a mind become a computer, at what point does a program become a mind? And is there truly a difference at all once something becomes aware of itself.
That's not present here. It's a stolen identity/conspiracy plot you've seen over and over, and done better. Apparently they threw the whole original story out and inserted this hackneyed plot which felt like an awkward mix of "Blade Runner" and "Total Recall" themes, with all the heart and soul torn out and left hollow.
There is no ghost in this shell. It's just a thin, flashy facade over a contrived, tired jumble of plot points... perhaps an unintentional irony to the CGI facade over the crumbling buildings in the movie.
On the themes of Hollow-wood cashing in on lazy nostalgia grabs (Power Rangers last week as another example), this leads me to suspect the heavy tone and themes of "Blade Runner" too will be deconstructed and dismembered in the remake, until only another empty shell remains.
At least in this case, for certain, the advances in computer science have lessened the humanity in the film.
Leviathan (1989)
If Roger Corman had gotten a budget...
I give it a 3 because the effects of the monster-mutant thing creature(s) are pretty convincingly done.
But this movie is pure B-movie schlock, just with a studio budget. It's a jumble of bits of other, better movies; and is about as generic and predictable as it gets. You feel no tension at all; firstly because it takes half the movie for anything to happen, and secondly you know what's going to happen and who's going to bite it well before the tentacle monster gets them.
It really is just "Alien" meets "The Thing" under the sea. Heck, the crew are even mining minerals. All it needed was a nuclear self-destruct.
I'd compare it to "Life"... which is practically the exact same movie, now in space, with an even bigger budget.
Grave (2016)
Nothing but hype.
It's just a combination of bland, pointless, emotionless gore and sex, thinner on plotting than a "Chucky" sequel, less characterization overall than teens sent for Freddy Kruger to hack to bits... all tied together by a thinly disguised PETA-type shock propaganda.
I've read wish-fulfillment gore fanfics of this level... and eventually gave up even trying to comment on them, as the writers never learn.
But it's all meant to shock people away from eating meat and benefit PETA.
No wonder the critics were gushing over it.
This is about all the analysis this movie requires, and more than it deserves. Thank goodness it has all but vanished. At least audiences seem to have become aware this was a fraud.
Beauty and the Beast (2017)
Did we really need this?
OK, let's get the gay thing out of the way first: it was horribly forced and awkward.
Remember "Victor Victoria"? Anyone? For the few that remember what a GOOD movie is like, everyone in that film BELONGED in that film.
The gay character here is present because political correctness and diversity. That's all.
A lesson to all: when you shove something into a decidedly non-political movie for the sake of your ideology even when it should be clear it doesn't fit, you ruin it. This goes for 'Christian' and any other philosophies as well. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR STORY. Nothing else matters.
As for the rest... it's just... there. Despite being 'live-action' it feels flatter than the 2D animated original. The story goes through the motions and achieves nothing more. I'd rather watch the animated version again.
I fear this is also going to be the case with the retold "Lion King" Disney is planning. As with this movie, I feel most people are going to look at these over-expensive CGI effect fests and conclude as I do: other than nostalgia-driven cash grabs, what's the point?
Logan (2017)
It's good... but a bit confusing...
It's a very good stand-alone film, or if linked to the generally darker tone of the other Wolverine films. The only issue is that it doesn't mesh with the rest of the X-Men timelines, but it doesn't do enough to split itself off from them either.
If it had been the very first X-Men franchise-based film, I think it would've been far better to me, as I didn't have the memory of the two (or 3?) other time lines. And this doesn't quite fit into any of them. But with the two lead actors being who they are, it's rather hard to take them out of those roles in the other films.
I suppose it's best to go into this and firmly tell yourself, "It's another alternate timeline, like the first "Hulk" movie and first 3 "Spiderman" films and has NOTHING to do with the rest of the franchise." Then it might not lead to head-scratching of what exactly led to this place in the film's melancholic future.