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Reviews
The English Patient (1996)
9 Oscars?!
This film is very much like the Aviator. Not much explanation and not much else really. It is probably one of the slowest films you'll ever watch. You'll keep checking what the time is as you're going through it. It's a film almost completely devoid of entertainment, which should have been replaced with emotion (the sort you get a la Sean Penn), but alas not. What you get instead is a film which has a few moments of inspiration, but then descends back into the dusty hands of the scenic settings. A couple of the characters are likable, which is one of the good things that hold the whole thing together. However, our main couple - the Count and (flip, I can't remember her name) the American woman - are not at all likable. They come across as being shallow, vindictive little creatures and this would all be fine and dandy, but there's no reason to support why these people are like this. Much of their intimate acting is seriously hammed up and some moments are unintentionally laughable. The real heroes are Kip and Hana, though the scene in the church is a bit of pure cheese. They make a sweet couple and its reasonably saddening when they have to say goodbye. Juliette Binoche and Naveen Andrews should have got the congrats at the Oscars, but alas the Oscars has been a sham for many years (two words: Johnny Depp). The film also shows that Binoche should be the holder of the Fighting With Inanimate Objects award.
Bride & Prejudice (2004)
Bollywood goes to Hollywood?
Let's get this straightened out first, I have never seen or even read Pride and Prejudice so I was kind of new to this whole chick-flick (and Bollywood) thing. To be completely honest, most completely romantic films suck. Girls will go to see them for the guys and boys won't bother to show up at the cinema. I watched this film originally just to see Naveen Andrews. And he didn't disappoint. The first twenty minutes of this film is pure delight. You've got the dancing (which is always fun to copy), the catchy songs (No Life Without Wife, anybody?) and an alright bunch of characters. The family unit has the typical mixture of empathetic father, nagging mother, fun-loving older sister, two opposite younger sister and our heroine. Or is she? Lalita does tend to bite people's heads off. If Darcy had made a comment about the way people in my country danced then I would have probably laughed with him, although her putting him straight about turning India into a theme park is quite right. Lalita is far too uptight, defensive, etc., etc.. She creates the kind of annoyance you get when watching the lead girl in Dirty Dancing 2 (great film, if you just watch Diego Luna). Darcy, however, probably deserves her with his stuck-up nature and Americaness. People who start off hating each other rarely get together and if they do then it's going to be something like Kate and Sawyer in Lost (also very good, check out Naveen). The supporting cast to the two leads are far better than the leads themselves. I couldn't care less about Lalita and Darcy, I was more interested in the love-at-first-sight relationship Bulraj and Jahal had. They were far more interesting characters, as was the coupling of Lalita's friend and Mr Kholi. All in all, Bride and Prejudice is a common chick flick with an added Bollywood twist that makes it so much fun for the first twenty minutes. After that watch it for what it is - a female-friendly piece of fluff. Personally, I just watch the songs and that's it. I need a few more car chases, a bit of character depth, a few good laughs and a couple of penguins. It's complex, I know... (Also check out Rai's acting and dancing. Did she go to the same acting classes as Jessica Stevenson?)
Romeo + Juliet (1996)
The most stupid ending in the world
I'm not going to tell you much about the whole movie because it's quite wonderful, funny, emotional, colourful, clever, etc., etc. It's just the ending that really annoys me. We all know about the *plot spoiler* ending with Romeo finding Juliet seemingly dead, killing himself before she wakes up and then kills herself, but did Baz Luhrman have to do it in such a silly way? The first example, is the set, which looks very dangerous. In fact it looks stupidly dangerous with all those candles around. No church would have that many candles lit and left unattended. If they had wanted to cremate her, why did they not have it done properly?! Next comes Romeo perched on the side of the bed. It's obvious that she's waking up. Her fingers move on his hand. She opens her eyes and she's grinning at him with a smile that is so white it could blind. Yet he drinks the poison and she tries to suck it off of his lips. She might have well stuck her tongue down his throat for all the good that it did. Then she eventually spots his gun and as calm as anything puts it to her head and fires. They end up just lying there dead together, with just a few splatters of blood. There would have been much more blood (and brain) than that. It just really annoyed me that what could have been a very emotional scene was so long drawn out and done in a way that shows that perhaps the star cross'd lovers only have a brain cells between them. I'm annoyed with that. (And Mercutio dying because he was just lovely).
Diarios de motocicleta (2004)
Best biopic in the world!
The Motorcycle Diaries, without doubt, is the best biopic in the world and that's saying something. It's a journey that takes the viewer all across South America with two great and watchable actors playing two great and interesting characters - Ernesto Guevara De La Serna and Alberto Granado. The story is an emotional one with themes of heart-ache, self-discovery, friendship, illness... The list is endless. Don't be fooled, this is not the kind of tearful, Oscar-grabbing film that you see every month or so. The film at many points is funny and touching, while at others it is tense or contemplative. It seems strange that so much was fitted into one film, yet it never seems busy. This movie is a real eye-opener and it's very hard to describe the emotional ride it will take you on. Long live The Mototrcycle Diaries!
The Aviator (2004)
Hear no bad movie, see no bad movie
I went and saw The Aviator with 45 other people, all who like different films and were in need of a good movie, any movie, to relax with after a stressful day. All were drawn in by the glow of Oscar nominations, wondering whether any film could compete with Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King sweeping the boards last year. During the film, nearly twenty of the people in my group went out half-way through and never came back to watch the rest of the film. Seven people admitted to falling asleep. After the film had finished, only two people said they liked it and even they would give it only 6/10. I personally lost the will to live. Leonardo DiCaprio, who shined in Romeo + Juliet, was irritating and uninteresting. I even found myself growing annoyed with Cate Blanchette, who is a wonderful actress, because of the fact she was in this film. The story advanced slowly and tediously. I didn't really care about the characters as they had little depth to them. Huges obsessive compulsive disorder was never really explained and there was no humour to balance out his repetitive breakdowns. Had the film been created with some black comedy and some in-depth character explorations then this may have been able to do what all films should - entertain. Don't see this movie and don't let it get a single Oscar, please!
Ricky Gervais Live: Animals (2003)
I hate Ricky Gervais!
The comparisons between Ricky Gervais and other comedians are endless. Billy Connoly swears a lot because it comes naturally to him whereas Gervais thinks that using a crude word now and again is somehow incredibly clever and funny. Billy Connoly says what he thinks - making fun of absolutely anyone - but Gevrias acts like someone who has just been given power to pick on and bully anyone he dislikes. No one, not even Anne Frank, can escape from his cruel comments that would make most caring people burn with anger. Lovely Bill Bailey muddles along with his observations on religion where Gervais pulls everything apart, despite the fact he doesn't know what he's talking about. He says the Bible is called the Gospel. It's not. The first four books of the New Testament are called the Gospel - get your facts right before you start criticising everything. Ricky Gervais is an absolute pig of a man, which makes me wonder why on earth he got laughs at this show. He's crude and his sense of humour is appalling.
The Office (2001)
The dullest way to spend an evening
What is The Office? An insightful mockumentary? A hilarious comedy? Pure boredom? Yes, the last one is definitely true. Watching The Office is duller than someone with a really monotonous voice saying the word 'dull' as many times as there are people in the world. It's incredibly slow, much like watching Neighbours, although Neighbours is sometimes more interesting. The Office isn't funny and watching Ricky Gervais muddle his way through some obscure storyline is painful at the best of times. Mackensie Crook and Lucy Davis are two wonderful actors and have gone on to higher things, but in this program seem to be constricted and trying their hardest to grapple with the writing, if indeed there is any. If you want to see a modern, funny comedy, watch something that didn't win as many awards - see Black Books, Spaced. Alternatively, paint your house a shade that will anger your neighbours, work out a formula that shows why cheese on toast will always fall cheese side down on your new cream carpet and reprogram you computer to change 'a' 'the' and 'and' to 'weasel' 'spanky' and 'my cat has turned into Boris Johnson'. Just for the fun of it. The Office is frankly no fun at all.
Little Britain (2003)
Join the I Hate Little Britain Society
There are several words that could describe Little Britain. Some of them are far too rude for me to say whereas others such as 'crud' 'rubbish' 'pants' 'mind-numbingly dull' 'repetative' and 'boring'. The catchphrases are mundane and unfunny after just hearing them once, let alone after they have been parroted at you from everyone from your siblings to older folk who should know better. It's some form of perverted sketch show where not even the disabled, homosexuals or practically anyone else are left unscathed by stereotyping and various other spiteful observations. Little Britain wouldn't know humour if it slapped it around the face before strutting around it with a huge badge saying 'My name is Humour' and shouting 'I am Humour!' at the top of its voice. Little Britain isn't big, it's hardly clever and it's definitely not funny. I expect many people are left thinking 'Please resurrect the Young Ones, do another series of Black Books and get Simon Pegg and Jessica Stevenson to go back to Spaced!' Alas, the world has been changed. When the apocalypse comes, the only sound to be heard across the muddy wasteland of Britain will be a TV set uttering the faint sound of 'Eh-eh-eehhh'...
King Arthur (2004)
Birdie man RULES!!!
King Arthur is an okay film. Ioan-thingy is okay, Keira 'The New Lesley Ash' Knightley is annoying, Clive 'Could I put any more conflict into this character?' Owen is boring, Hugh Dancy is quite fit but suffers from facial fuzz overload and Ray Winston is gruffly funny. There are a few more other people, including a guy who slightly resembles Sean Connery, a [possibly Scandinavian] dude with dreads, a bald bloke and some idiot who's also bald, but has a stupid plaited beard. So what is this film about? In two words: Birdie Man, or rather Tristan. With his funny (if slightly girly) hair and macho beard, he looks like Tony Robinson's younger and cooler cousin. Not very attractive, but film-stealing nonetheless. He can shoot like an elf from Lord Of The Rings, wields a sword like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill and can throw knives like Robin Hood shoots - he aims for the middle. These thing are very 'Like, WOW!' but Tristan really gets the audiences affection. He's in touch with nature through his birdie friend and *PLOT SPOILER* sadly gets deaded at the end of the film by the plaity beard man. At this point the audience is going 'NOOOOOOOOOO! Not Birdie Man' partially as they don't have a clue who he is thanks to the film's lack of explanation as to who the knights are. The audience doesn't have a clue as to what any of their names are. I hope that in the director's cut of King Arthur they show an extended bit of where the bird flies overhead as Tristan is dying and, in a never before seen bit, poops on plaity beard man's head. That would be amusing.
From Hell (2001)
Very obvious, but oh-so-good
It's dark, it's dismal and it is very dirty. From Hell's Jack the Ripper is as obvious as can possibly be because he speaks several times and does very little to disguise his voice. Nevertheless, Johnny Depp is absolutely fabulous, a little less eccentric than a lot of his other films, but on top form and looking gorgeous! Heather Graham, however, is not so hot. Her Irish accent is terrible and her presence causes all female viewers to groan and roll their eyes. Fortunately not a lot of hanky-panky happens between the two leads. Robbie Coltrane is happy spouting Shakespeare and shouting at constables left, right and centre. Ian Holm is clearly having fun with being evil. From Hell is a fast-paced murder-mystery (with very little mystery) that will have you laughing, bitching and hiding behind the sofa in 2 hours. Someone pass me the kidney flavoured crisps...