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Thanatomorphose (2012)
Most uncomfortable I've ever felt while watching a movie
I loved Nekromantik, loved Der Todesking, and rolled my eyes at August Underground, but Thanatomorphose is hands down the most disgusting thing I have ever allowed to slither across my retina. It's full of flaws and I was about to turn it off after the first act, but then I started to "get" it and it's a pretty great underground effort.
Flaws first: script was God-awful. I would have liked this a lot more if it had either been in French or if I didn't understand English. Second, the acting was awful. Indie directors, if you're out there, listen to me: spend money on the actors. I'm telling you. You can fix anything in that frame except bad acting. God's honest truth. Also, I hated the score and the editing was weird in the first act. There were strange jumpy cuts through a lot of the scenes that didn't make any sense. Last, not all of the fantasy sequences really worked. Some of those could have been cut. I also would have cut the faux-artsy cinematography sequences as they serve no discernible purpose and it pulled me out of the moment.
All of those notes are fairly normal sins for underground horror. If you have a background in that kind of filmmaking those problems might not bother you as much as they would someone who is used to Hollywood-slick style.
All that being said, I think it's a solid movie. I read it as a metaphor for drug addiction. I think a case could be made for it being a metaphor for depression also. The main character is literally self-destructing, but her friends seem unwilling to help or unsure how to help. The hospital comes up more than once, and it is obvious that she should go, but with a person who has an addiction (or depression if you read it like that) friends often don't know what to do or how to help. She tries fixing it herself. She self-medicates. She literally places bandages on huge open wounds. She calls for help, but then lashes out at the person who comes to help her. She is listless and bound by inertia, but bizarrely industrious when it comes to nursing her illness (addiction). She's taking pills and jabbing herself with a needle, so I'm leaning toward addiction reference over depression.
So, if you decide to see it watch it with that in mind. If you're not a fan of underground indie horror stay far away.
Oculus (2013)
Lame
Oculus does not deserve the rating it has.
I went to see it based on the reviews. I should have known better, as a real genre fan, but I have to admit I got suckered. A haunted mirror is a pretty weak premise, but I wanted to believe in Oculus. I love a reality-bending, atmospheric slow burn, but I was disappointed with Oculus.
They could have had such a cool sci-fi/horror story if they had explored the time travel idea AT ALL, but as soon as they offered it they chickened out in favor of crap CGI ghosts. Oculus could have been the Inception or Looper for the horror set, but it bailed out on itself.
What really crippled Oculus was that the story didn't seem to have a real plan for itself. It meandered through so many plot points it felt more like a brainstorming session than a finished story. It was mind- numbingly slow with no payoff in the end.
The effects were god-awful. I could have made better-looking ghosts with some whiteface and a bruise pallet. Hell, cutting eyeholes in a sheet an throwing it over an actor's head would have been scarier. CGI had no place here. They could have done all of their effects cheaper and better with a trip to Party City.
I'm going to give it two stars for the acting. Despite having a fairly crap script, the actors did a pretty good job. Unfortunately, everything else was such a failure the actors couldn't save it.
Dead Silence (2007)
How is this getting good reviews?
I picked up a copy of this based on the reviews and now I think you're all messing with me. Dead Silence is painfully stupid; a blob of dumb clichés with a premise so weak it is worthy only of wacky 80s slashers.
Everything was horrible. The script was bad, the acting was bad, the score was bad, the effects were bad and the movie was boring and stupid. It could have worked if they had either treated like a goofy, campy throwback flick or if they had taken it way too seriously and failed a little more spectacularly. If I can't have a legit good movie I'll settle for an entertaining fiasco. This was neither.
Dead Silence is just as stupid as it sounds. I found it very similar to Darkness Falls, which I also hated, so if you like that kind of movie, Dead Silence is the flick for you. My advice is to either steer clear or Netflix only. Do not spend money on this.
Long Pigs (2007)
Top Five Faux Found Footage Horror Movies
I'm so sick of found footage horror I could scream, but I saw Long Pigs last night and it was fantastic. I'd say it has to be in the top five best films of the genre. The practical effects were outstanding. Definitely watch the Special Features on how they made the bodies. The acting was a little weak at first, but they found their groove before the halfway mark and it really started to click. I have to say I saw the ending coming, but I was not disappointed by that. The score was probably the weakest thing about the movie. I would have preferred silence to the urban remix of "Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies". I get the point they were trying to make with that choice, but to me that particular piece is way overused. It's on my blacklist with "O Fortuna" and the chorus from Beethoven's 9th. Just don't. The script was better than average. The acting got better and better as the movie carried on. Cinematography is always my complaint with these kinds of movies. I said the same thing about REC: This is supposed to be a PROFESSIONAL cameraman. He should be able to hold a camera still sometimes. I wish they hadn't fast-forwarded through the butchery scene. That could have been really horrifying if they had been able to pull it off realistically and we had gotten to see it. Overall, great flick. Not a rip-off of August Underground by a mile. I hate found-footage horror, but I loved this.
Noah (2014)
As Good As A Movie About Noah Could Be
While certainly not Aronofsky's best work, Noah is a solid entry into the director's outstanding catalog. The plot doesn't stray as far from the Bible as some say it does, and I appreciate that Aronofsky was not afraid to explore the moral implications inherent in Letting Everyone In The World Die. It reminded me of Princess Mononoke, as it uses religious imagery to tell an environmentalist story. The cinematography is as gorgeous as you'd expect from Aronofsky. Russell Crowe remembered to act this time, so his performance was better than I expected from him. Emma Watson was great, Jennifer Connelly was solid and I loved Anthony Hopkins' Methusaleh. I think Clint Mansell phoned the score in a little because it sounded an awful lot like his score for The Fountain. My biggest issues with this were the pacing and the script. It's sluggish in spots and the dialog could have been better. It follows the Bible story closer than the haters would have you think. Yes, the Watchers are in the Bible. No, this isn't the same as the Nephilim. The Watchers feature prominently in the apocryphal book of Enoch (Which is why you can't find it if you're thumbing through a KJV) and they make a brief appearance in Daniel. The Bible has some really weird things in it. Yes, the movie DOES say the word "god". Overall, it's worth seeing on the big screen because the visuals are great.
The Conjuring (2013)
Sacrifices Plot for Jump Scares (But I Like It Anyway)
The Conjuring never strays from well-tread territory, and where that would almost automatically trigger a negative review from me, I have to say that I liked it anyway. The exposition was rushed to the point where I don't even know why they bothered. Wan devoted about 3 minutes to explaining why everything was happening, but that was also the worst part of the movie so I'm glad we didn't waste too much time on it. It was pretty standard anyway.
The scares were good. Wan has finally perfected the craft after a few mis-fires. Everyone in my theater looked sufficiently frightened. It was much scarier than both Insidious and Sinister (which were both pretty lame IMO). I'd say it's ten dollars worth of boo noises, so I am happy with my purchase.
I probably would have liked it more if I hadn't already seen The Haunting, The House on Haunted Hill, The Changeling, Poltergeist, The Amityville Horror, The Woman in Black, Ju-On, A Tale of Two Sisters, or read House of Leaves. Like I said, well-tread territory. The story is old, but it is a good story so I don't mind being told it again.
Spoiler Maybe: Villain tropes are a pet peeve of mine, so others might not find this so troubling, but witches and satanists are not evil and shouldn't automatically be the bad guy. The Christian religious message was really heavy-handed and gets pretty annoying for non-believers. I imagine it would be downright uncomfortable for actual witches and satanists. They go out of their way to get the Catholic prayers right, but blunder through alternative religions without even looking at the Wikipedia page. This might be annoying to just me, though.
Overall, it's nothing new, but I was scared in a fun-scared kind of way. It's worth the movie ticket.
Darkness Falls (2003)
Frightfully Stupid
I'm sure it's not the worst horror film of the Aughts, but that's not saying much.
The cinematography reduced itself to one cool shot, given away in the first ten minutes of the movie, then descended into unwatchable mediocrity. At least it wasn't shaky-cam.
Chaney Kley gives the most stoned performance of his career. I think he's trying to look tired, but he just looks really baked. (for a great performance of "tired", see Christian Bale in The Machinist). He was way better in Legally Blonde, which feels hard to believe. The whole cast lacks energy and conviction.
Darkness Falls sets up a whole stupid world where the Tooth Fairy is scary (no) and then doesn't follow any of its own stupid rules. The shocking lack of logic is just infuriating. The writing is rote, and follows formula so closely that even a casual observer can see the bones.
God-awful.
The Woman in Black (2012)
Watch it twice
The Woman In Black is way better on the second watching. You get past all the dumb "boo" noises and really get into the tragedy. Sadly, it's just not very scary. But it is beautifully shot, scripted, and acted. There is no gore to be had, so if that's your thing this isn't the one for you.
The Woman In Black is a refreshing break from the thin, uninspired swill that the big movie corps like to dump on us every Halloween. The difference is the pervasive sense of grief and melancholy that is such a departure from the "jarring" route that is so well-mapped out. It's easy to make someone jump. It's harder to make someone feel connected to overwhelming sadness. That's what makes this one stand out. Fear is temporary: despair sticks with you.
Martyrs (2008)
It all hinges on the twist. Do you buy it?
I buy it. I believe it of the French.
Twist aside, Martyrs is well made. The practical and special effects are especially good and I loved the minimalist soundtrack. It was well-acted and the script was well written (at least to my admittedly weak French). Best of all it still works as a horror film on the small screen, without needing the surround sound to "boo!" at you.
That being said, this is not a "for everyone" Lionsgate Horror McNugget. If you are used to the "scary" crap that Hollywood churns out I can't recommend this because you might be scarred for life. This is a film for real fans of extreme cinema. Everyone else will just wonder why anyone would ever want to watch this crap. Also it isn't "fun-scary" with those bouncy jumps everyone likes so much. It disturbs on a deeper level. Definitely not a Halloween movie marathon party movie. Indeed, I've never shown it in any of my screenings.
Now, some people think the wheels come off as soon as you know what's going on. That is the reason for the title of the review. Many of the bad reviews are coming from people who don't buy the twist (which is understandable). My recommendation: even if you don't buy the twist, roll with it. Martyrs is saying something important about how dangerous people are when they are driven by religious conviction without falling into the Christian vs Skeptic trap that so many American films land themselves in. That alone makes it worth the watch.
If you can stomach it.
[Rec] (2007)
This is probably the scariest movie I have
...and I collect horror films.
It's a rare movie that affects everyone the exact same way. I've screened this film for my Halloween Horror Marathon every year, and it scares absolutely everyone. The newbies are always crawling out of their skins.
Why? Because Rec can't happen, but if it could happen, this is how it would happen.
***Spoiler (kind of. You have probably already guessed what happens, but just in case)****
I live in the containment area for the CDC in Atlanta. In the event of a pathogen outbreak the CDC can declare a kind of martial law, and a scenario very similar to this is precisely what will result. Rec gets containment policy very right, and said policy is very scary.
***Safe to read the rest of this***
Sometimes a simple plot is the best. Different things are scary to different people, but Rec is scary to pretty much everybody. Like everyone else says, avoid Quarantine. It's a shot-for- shot remake that still manages to be not as good as the Spanish original.
Sinister (2012)
It was okay
Sinister is greater than the sum of its parts for sure, but still not a great movie.
It's jumpy-scary without being scary-scary. All the scares are boo noises, without that element of pervasive dread that really makes a movie stick with you. Sinister is over when you leave the theater.
The soundtrack was the weakest link for me, with the thin dialog coming in a close second. Practical and special effects looked like something your average Norwegian Black Metal band could throw together in a self-produced music video. In fact, the boogie man himself bore a remarkable resemblance to King Diamond (which you can tell from the trailer). The movie would have been better off not showing that character at all.
Despite the problems with dialog, the actors did a good job looking scared. The jumps were jumpy, so even though that's a lame effect it did its job. There's nothing here Hollywood hasn't done a million times before. Like too many American movies, everything gets explained in way too much detail, leaving no stone left ambiguous.
Best part of the filmmaking was the cinematography, hands down. Each reel was crafted with close attention to period-accurate detail. These were the most believable parts of the movie. I'm glad we didn't descend into shaky-cam ridiculousness; we could actually see what was going on in each frame, which was nice.
All in all, Sinister is probably the scariest of the Horror McNuggets. If you're going to see it, see it in the theater because it isn't going to work without surround sound. But I would wait until it hits the dollar theater. It just isn't worth 10$.