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Smile (2022)
Another One Of Those....
Yep, the movie that gets really quiet..... gets really dark, then BANG LOUD JUMP SCARE!
Cinematography is fine, the plot has been done before with It Follows and it was far more convincing and didn't rely on stupid jump scares 24/7 with music/sounds here...
Acting by the main lead was pretty good and convincing, there was some creep factor moments but I am so done with movies that just do the loud jump scare with a quiet build up. Knock it the F off Hollyweird.
Nothing new to see here, yay creepy smiling person is creepy.... one of the biggest faults of paranormal movies is loud bang jump scares, it really needs to stop.
The Perks of Being a Wallflower (2012)
WHAT A YOU KNOW WHAT
So you befriend the guy, figure out he's clearly got a troubled past, then just ghost him? He tries to apologize and explain himself and you just IGNORE him until he sticks up for you?
Seriously, F YOU MOVIE. This was made around the whole feminist movement which failed horribly so I'm not surprised. This film was absolute crap in terms of the story telling.
Dýrið (2021)
Great Cinematography, KIND of a mystery, but didn't work for me...
Eh... out of respect for the fans of this movie who say it's best to go into this without spoilers, I wont post any here. I also went into this with no spoilers and expected to be shocked/awed.
That said, I was not. The entire message behind this film is we (humans I guess) covet rare and 'beautiful' things as our own and will stop at no cost to retain it for the happiness of ourselves, even if it's not our right to do so. Given the title I feel like I'm not spoiling anything here, but not sure if this is a pro PETA message or not.
That said, this film does drag in various parts, but the director/writers were trying to build up that message 24/7. It was partially successful. The cinematography of isolation and desperation for something more aids in the character motives.
This is a drama and character study. IMDB, please take off the HORROR tag, this is not a scary or horrific movie by any means... it's a full 100% drama (not even mystery).
I found the film interesting but I knew where this movie was going EXTREMELY early on after the early barn scene (well before the first 'reveal'). Maybe I've seen way too many movies.
All in all 5/10. Good cinematography, OKAY acting, OKAY CGI, and majorly rushed ending (was seriously thinking, "There's 10 minutes to go... there's quite a bit more to explore here?"). As for the message? It's been done MANY times before and done far better. It was OKAY here, but nothing original.
The Card Counter (2021)
WTF is going on?
K, we're done here.
Some guy military does something, and some guy is scarily doing something more militarily scary, and somehow gambling is going to fix it, and somehow...
I mean WTF movie?
On a more serious note. Some guy tortured in some prison............
Ah hell I give up... Read the synopsis and Wiki a few times, get drunk, wake up and wonder what the hell just happened
This might've been the most stupid and incomprehensible movie in the last year. I really had zero clue what was going on. Naturally anyone that downvotes me will be of the opinion, "YOU JUST DIDN'T GET IT!" Well if you did, please limit your dosage of meds/drugs.
Ojing-eo geim (2021)
Okay but terrible ending and this has been done MANY times before....
Battle Royale, As The Gods Will (literally about kid's games in a death challenge environment), Alice in Borderland, Hunger Games, etc. And those are just the Asian ones...
This really didn't do anything special or anything unique. The story dragged on during some moments, wouldn't be surprised if they were trying to stretch out the episodes. Episode 6 was the best one and had some of the show's best acting.
The last 3 episodes were really bad and uninspired and clearly just meant to setup a season 2 which is annoying. All the character arcs are thrown out the window, a police officer investigating this deadly game has a lackluster ending, and the reveals.... meh? The 'protagonist' learns nothing by the end of the film, so there's zero character arc.
I'll give it a 6. It's entertaining to watch the games and their thought process but I can't give it anymore than that thanks to the lackluster ending. Now an ending can be disappointing but I want rate an entire series on JUST an ending (like Game of Thrones). But the fact this did nothing new at all and flat out copied movies. People are saying some of the above movies I mentioned are fantasy, but there's another movie I can't think of where people volunteer to play for money in a very realistic setting that is basically the same thing...
Nothing new, acting is OKAY, some major plotholes or scratch your head moments, and not a good conclusion. I know they're setting up for season 2, but how they set it up is pretty stupid. And I don't think it needs to go there to begin with.
Space Jam: A New Legacy (2021)
HBO Max: "This is leaving in 4 days."
Good, leave it. Would've been more entertaining to watch Lebron flop the next 4 days.
The Suicide Squad (2021)
Would Re-Watch PLENTY
I always judge my ratings by how often I'd watch a movie, and I'd plug this thing in ANY TIME.
Hollywood finally got it right. We want grit, great acting, and some plot twists along with just pure, "OMG LOL I'm having fun with this" moments and this movie is all over that. Yes it's rated R... yes it's got some violent scenes which are creatively toned down, and yah VERY adult themes... WHICH IT SHOULD, it's a Suicide Squad movie...
That said, this movie is just pure fun. You're invested in the characters.... not gonna lie, it felt like an Avengers movie WITHOUT actually introducing the characters one by one. But it had an edge and style to it that was SO much better than the Avengers.
Great movie, 10/10. I'll easily be rewatching this in the future which is more I can say about anything Disney has released in the last decade.
Unhinged (2020)
Biden's America...
This will be what happens when Biden and the liberal media gets rid of all the cops lol.
Greenland (2020)
Infuriating Piece of Crap
Woman divorces man, treats him like crap, practically ignores him and treats him like a slave... but OH NO the world is ending! NOW I suddenly love you and want to take advantage of your hard working and selective attributes again!
Nevermind the annoying kid actor, the again B wife who just entitles herself to everything and ignores protocol (son with a disease but she deserves to be on, and plane is too heavy but ALL three should be on despite the risk to everyone on the plane), UGH.
This wasn't a disaster movie. It's a reason men should stay single.
Alone (2020)
REALLY!?
Okay, so this film starts out pretty decent. We are introduced to our main character and she's packing up to leave town early. She's lost her fiance/boyfriend (not sure) and for some reason leaves a day early after her parents said they'd help her move, because she doesn't want to talk to her mom. This is NEVER explored but let's fast forward to the meat of it.
She's driving across the country and eventually runs into a car that stays playing games on the road. Long story short the guy driving the car stalks her (how? He just knew where she'd go and what stops she'd make?), captures her, keeps her in his basement and plans on molesting her and killing her. She escapes, he notices, she runs off, and dives in a river.
From this point this guy might as well have a honing beacon planted on her because he knows EXACTLY where she is at all times (despite her floating who knows how far down the river, she gets rescued by a hunter who is driving her and he sets up a trap on some dirt road a ways down the river)... like WTF? And he's a psycho with a family... not like some mountain man expert.
Basically this was the Terminator without ANY logical sense of how the Terminator knows where to go.
The acting by the lead actress was pretty good and production quality was decent (hence the 2) but this movie was absolute drivel. Don't waste your time.
This movie kind of set it up like a Rust Creek type movie (girl trying to survive) but the survival was barely even there, and it was COMPLETELY illogical how the 'Terminator' found the main character. Rust Creek did a film like this SO much better and showed how the guys could track the protagonist which made the film logical. This antagonist in this film just 'showed up' and 'did stuff'.
Don't waste your time, 2/10, again check out Rust Creek. FAR better film (still kind of a C thriller, but how this has 6+ on IMDB is beyond me).
The Assistant (2019)
This is a giant 90 minute movie of nothing happens...
I must say the acting by the main character was pretty good. It's a story about a girl that accepts an executive secretary position at a movie production Company. This is quite a demanding job actually having known several in my time, and because the meetings are so important along with demands from the Executive, there's little mistakes you can make (but that's also the same WHENEVER you're supporting anything that goes to an exec - that's not just a secretary job).
In any event, she's super awkward the whole movie, and then a hot girl shows up and she suspects he's banging this girl who worked as a waitress. She acts the WHOLE movie like something happened to her, but we're never really given any info. if it did? So it's like watching cardboard act the whole movie. A much better movie was Kristen Stewart's "Silence" where a traumatic event happens and then a fun loving girl becomes withdrawn.
You keep WAITING for something to happen, for the plot to thicken, and it NEVER does. When she goes to HR she has little to no factual information and let me tell you working for a VERY pro female Company... taking a complaint to HR is EXTREMELY serious. You better have facts, you better have legit cause, and not assumptions that someone is fooling around.
This screams MeToo# liberal trash. There's several times where the men in the office are giving her looks like they're going to throw her out the window, or sabotaging her with 'mean angry wife' calls, while the women in the office are passive and at the end one says: "Don't worry, she'll gain more from it then he will." That's probably true, have sex a couple times and YAY millions of dollars down the line. Sorry I'm still the guy that thinks the United guy getting beat up is the luckiest guy alive given his settlement. Hell dominate me and take advantage of my sex if I can get 7 figures.
Really? We get it Hollyweird... women can be taken advantage of but so can me, go watch Swimming with Sharks...
Traffic Stop (2017)
Don't Waste Your Time
Liberal propaganda at it's finest. This is a heavy skip. It's another Hollyweird movie...
Srpski film (2010)
LOL WOW!!!
This film was insanely ridiculous.
By the final act I was laughing pretty damn hard. Don't get me wrong, if anyone actually does what the producer/director does in the film they should be buried under a prison, but this film just went full bat ****.
There are many horrific scenes and I would not recommend this if you have a weak stomach. Cinematography and actors were overall great.
Film lost me at various points though. There are multiple, "What is going on?" moments. Major shock/horror movie, but had some nice camera work. It's a well put together film, but end of day I was skipping through the last half of the movie to 'get it over with'. Yes all the sex scenes are insane and very graphic, but the story falls flat about halfway through. Thus a 4/10.
The Meg (2018)
Boring And Extremely Forgettable
When I saw the advertisement I THOUGHT I knew what I was getting into. People uncover prehistoric 'monster' and let's have FUN. Jason Statham led the cast so you knew there'd be action and good pacing, right?
The film starts out with Statham acting as a rescue diver where he saves people in a sub near the Marianas trench but loses his rescue team when he pulls out because something attacks the sub so now everyone blames him (why? The rescued sub exploded right when he released the rescue - whatever). Fast forward to... the future! and a research team near the same trench want to explore it. Long story short, they dive down further than ever, find a meg which attacks the sub with Statham's ex wife, so he returns to rescue her, they release the Meg and stuff happens.
The main problem is this film had no idea what it wanted to be. Was it a drama, an adventure, a comedy/satire, or an action movie? Film starts out adventure as the team has a lab exploring the deep.... FOR SCIENCE! Then quickly goes drama with a romance between Statham/ex wife/female researcher, letting his past demons die, and a 'it's our responsibility to blah blah!!!' speeches. Shoe horn in STRANGE comedy and dialogue given the dire situation and the fact it's a scientific team. And the action is... messy. A lot of the shots lack any scale or perspective, CGI is a step up from SyFy Original but average at best, the action is hard to follow and fails to capitalize on any fun moments (see further down), and pacing is ruined because of the crap elements above. All in all, it's BORING.
This film is nearly 113 (!!!) minutes long and had not one thing going for it. Jaws was thriller/drama, Deep Blue Sea was adventure/action, Piranha was comedy/action. All 3 films did their piece relatively well if not perfect in some aspects. The Meg has ZERO clue what it's trying to do and just fails on every aspect.
The effects/action seems to be a major selling point since the budget is high and it's backed by a major studio not to mention what was advertised, but what a let down... This film had some OKAY CGI but pretty average by today's standards. My biggest issue, you have a HUGE shark... ZOOM THE CAMERA OUT and show massive scale/perspective! All we really got most of the time were close overhead shots, a fin in the distance, or a close up mouth/head shot. Why are you using POV shots and "JUMP! A SHARK FACE NOM!" shots? The shark actions itself were kind of laughable. I half expected the shark to burst out of the water and scream, "NOM NOM Mr. Martin (Transporter)!" since it seemingly had a grudge for this crew. Two action scenes that would've been fun: 1) Shark attacks 3 boats early on but only the aftermath is shown - SHOW IT! and 2) have the shark EAT a bunch of people on the beach! It should've just mowed through a ton of people like gold fish eating pellets but instead it forgets it has a huge mouth... or something. COME ON! That's the fun I wanted, but no... back to the drama and a stupid dog whimpering when it sees a fin... ugh.
And of course the last bit. This film was CRINGE for dialogue and PC Hollywood could not be more in your face. For example (and this is just ONE of many), after people are dead and another Meg is on the loose, a bald character asks the girl with an attitude and short hair, "What happened to your hair?" She replies: "What happened to yours!" What? That's what you're going to ask in this situation? Oh har har there's that comedy, folks. Or after people have died and the owner is trying to give a speech about rescue, one guy goes, "DAMN RIGHT!" What? I mean it wasn't funny bad, it was just bad. Most of the lines were clunky, over the top cheesy, or COMPLETELY out of place like the above MOSTLY due to:
PC Hollywood! My God Hollywood, enough... stop with your agenda, 1) I learned how to use a submarine stopping whaling boats and fired a torpedo at one, 2) Meg attacks a boat and a comment about killing sharks for fin soup is made, "Least the Meg got even" is said 3) Solemn lead scientist says, "All humans know how to do is kill" when after the Meg, 4) Evil white billionaire investor is EVIL and only cares about money, 5) "You're racist!" says the black character when the investor makes fun of his lack of swimming since oh I dunno, he's an underwater researcher? and 6) The dog in the advertisement OF COURSE LIVES at the end after the shark visibly implied devours it. Of course everyone smiles and claps! OMG can't upset PETA and animal lovers! That was just a few of the moments I can remember while my palm covered my face.
Overall pretty terrible film. Nothing funny, boring action, no interesting or thought provoking moments. Story/pacing was bad, characters/dialogue/PC Hollywood was cringe, CGI/sound was OKAY but not amazing by any means. They spent $130M on this? 2/10, highly forgettable.
A Quiet Place (2018)
A Stupid Place
The basic premise of this movie is some aliens or creature (or something) gets loose on Earth, the creature is super fast and kind of resembles the Licker from Resident Evil, and hunts by sound only, which is super sensitive. Kind of a cool idea, right? It's been done before and done well (read towards end of this review)
The problem with the movie is it's just TOO far fetched, and that's not about the idea, but the characters actions and the environment itself. My major issue with the movie is the Monsters' ONLY sense is sound and namely how that plays into the World they're brought into. They have no smell, no eyes, no heat or echolocation, etc. Just sound. Sound is one of the easiest things to manipulate, humans are absolute pros at doing it, and when things have no smell or eyesight we generally consider that thing disabled or do the humane thing and kill it.
Hell we already have developed various sound tools like an LRAD for military combat straight down to basic stuff like dog whistles. Our military and even civilians have been using sound to manipulate enemies/threats for YEARS. Straight down to THROWING A ****ING ROCK!
*** On a side note, when are we going to see a movie where HUMANS are the evil alien? We heal fast, we eat anything, we have excellent vision/hearing, are intelligent, can blow off our limbs and we keep going, we are pursuit predators, attach various metals/plastic to our bodies for increased combat/mobility effectiveness, etc. This movie should've been about US invading a planet with a mom and dad noise alien and their 3 noise alien kids, and they have to use ultra noise detection to try and hide from us ***
Why is this a problem? Because it basically portrays that these things have wiped out our military and are posing a MAJOR threat to the survival of our race (news clippings, no contact with anyone outside of Lord of the Rings tower lighting, etc.). The family has electricity, food, tons of things at their disposal (even shotguns) yet they use fireworks for distractions, don't set traps using sound, etc.? Don't get me started on PC message: "Women are strong too" and "Men must sacrifice themselves for their family!" and "Disabled people can do STRONG things!" etc. We get it PC Hollywood. Whatever.
Emily Blunt's character might be the most selfish annoying self absorbed ***** in movie history. She ignores her daughter and only seems to spend time with the other son and then gets selfishly pregnant because the 3rd son died, which ultimately puts the other 2 kids + husband in jeopardy. Then puts the guilt trip on the husband to save the 2 kids after she dumps out said spawn. I love when she's crying and saying how she wishes they were better parents. Jeez I dunno, how about NOT HAVING ANOTHER SCREAMING/ZERO AWARENESS FOR 5 YEARS CROTCH TROPHY TO SAVE THE TWO YOU HAVE ALIVE!
Everything is so rushed and unbelievable you stop caring. The film is littered with various plotholes (how do they grow corn, how do they harvest it, how do they have electricity which makes no noise, what happens when you have explosive diarrhea or rip a huge fart in your sleep, what happens when you get nightmares or experience pain (screaming sometimes is involuntary - just like hmm I dunno PREGNANCY), why aren't you setting up speakers with waterfall noise by the house (they have a ton of tech it seems) etc). But oh no no... they use cloth for chess pieces... yep, advanced people here.
I mean as impractical as the aliens were, I was rooting for them to kill off the family. I honestly thought at the end it was going to be some futuristic sci fi thing where new parents are dropped into a biodome and observed by the government/military and they have to survive for like 3 years and if they do they are allowed back into society. Like the end would be some top government agent at the control panel saying: "Clearly not intelligent enough for modern society. Mark the Abbott family as terminated." "It is done, ma'm, every other family is still alive."
I'm sure someone will read this and think, "OK, so tell me how you would've done it then smart guy." I don't have to, there was a movie that was done years ago with basically the same concept that was FAR better and COMPLETELY believable since the environment, monster, character and their reactions based on the resources at hand.
TREMORS (spoilers alert below). Yep. Go watch that film.
Whatever. Rotten Tomatoes is showing some 85% or 95% critic review and somehow this site is showing stuff in the 8s... I swear to God audiences are simply dumb these days.
Valley of the Sasquatch (2015)
Horrible Unconvincing Acting, Predictable, Plain Creature Effects
Before I begin reviewing this film, let me say I LOVE creature features. I am so tired of all the scary movies coming out these days that are focused on the paranormal. Those films are generally horribly boring and rely 100% on jump scares to try and make it 'scary.'
Anyway, on to this film. The general premise is a widowed father and his son move up to a small cabin/shack in the woods. The dad is immediately portrayed as a jerk/loser because he can't relate to his son, doesn't want him to go to college, and invites his jerk Spanish friend up to get drunk. Anyway, we're introduced to these 4 characters and there's really no character we are rooting for with exception of maybe the Uncle who seems to relate to the son well enough and stick up for him. The 4 set out to go hunting and long story short discover big foot. Big foot chases them back to the cabin where they have to put up a final fight and try to escape. They are met by another survivor we are introduced to at the beginning. That's about it. Typical creature feature with a fairly predictable plot.
That said, the movie has totally implausible and unconvincing acting/reactions by the characters. When David Saucedo's character (who acted terribly in this movie) goes to take a leak out hunting and sees a Big Foot coming after him (honestly looked more like a giant squirrel moving through the shrubs/ground cover) he fires off multiple shots. Then he falls down into a landing and sees blood and flesh all over the place. He meets back up with everyone and DOESN'T even bring it up or agree with the son/uncle they should go back to the Cabin!
Then the son and David actually SEE Big Foot after being woken that night, one is like 2 feet away from the son's face. And their reaction is COMPLETELY nonchalant after. Like, "OMG big foot is real. Hmm well that's cool. I guess we should leave?" And then are running around the forest with seemingly zero concern for the thing.
Lastly, the Uncle/Son/Mexican guy are all back in the cabin after the Dad gets taken by Big Foot, and the Uncle wants to get the keys to get the car and go get help. Seems COMPLETELY logical to me and these things are scared of guns. Yet the Mexican guy has a HUGE issue with this (why?) and then TWICE STABS and KILLS the Uncle right in front of his nephew. Then has the son help him haul him into the bedroom!? WHAT IN THE WORLD!? Are you kidding me? Who would act like this!?
The creature effects are practical (no CGI) but not great. There is really no shot with suspense and the creature on the poster was what I was expecting. These honestly just look like a weird gorilla and obviously men in suits, they don't seem that big or threatening at all... The creature is also revealed way too often, something that Abominable got accurate (although the creature's face needed some work in that movie). The thing just didn't seem that scary, especially early in the film when one captured guy tricks it into eating tobacco chew and then bashes it's head in with a rock. Problem solved? Honestly a Grizzly bear seems more terrifying than this thing. The gore effects were pretty laughable - one guy gets his arm ripped off and they come apart like jello - see the lion scene from The Happening.
Cinematography/Isolation just wasn't there. Some films are VERY good at creating an isolation feel to it, or danger to going outside. This film just didn't have it. Hell the Big Foot ran off after a couple shots were fired initially. The movie Exists (2014) did this very well IMO for a big foot movie. Other films like The Thing (re- make), Tremors, Alien, Jaws (ending), made VERY good use of this and made you afraid of the environment and lack of resources available to escape. This movie had that setting in the Forest/lack of tech but just didn't utilize it well.
The score/sounds/music is basically non-existent. There is no uneasy tune or score to keep you on edge. Even Arachnophobia which was touted as a comedy/horror had some very unsettling musical scores. The light hearted music that quickly changed to a more creepy tone. This movie basically didn't have any music. Some of the monsters roars are heard early on but they didn't give me unease like the howl from the wolf in American Werewolf in London. That howl still gives me chills... that was a horror film that didn't really have a score but didn't need it with the creepy POV shots and lack of monster reveal (until the end).
Overall not worth your time. The acting is TERRIBLE, the main scare feature (monster/environment) is not there, and the story is a recycled bland one that does NOTHING new to a genre that has tons of these films. I dunno why this has more than 5 stars. Either the producers family/friends came on here and all voted it a 10 or I am missing something HUGE here. And I know I'm mentioning some all time greats/classics, but it's just to compare and show that this movie didn't even come CLOSE to nailing on ONE of the aspects.
For Sasquatch scare movies, Abominable and Exists are far better. The former has good gore, believable acting, and great pacing. The later sets up a scarier atmosphere and some great shots (namely when the Bigfoot is chasing the guy on the bike).
Moonlight (2016)
Terrible, How Did This Win Let Alone Get Nominated?
Movie is about some boy (Chiron) who grows up gay in the projects, with an abusive mother, a fatherly figure who happens to be his mom's drug dealer, and having to deal with bullying until he grows up and becomes a drug dealer himself. He reconciles kind of with his mom and the movie ends with him visiting his old friend who he discovered his gay sexuality with.
And that's it. There's nothing else that needs to be said about the film. You've just saved 2 hours of your life by reading this review.
I'm all for character studies but this movie was pathetically boring. There's zero resolution to basically anything, we don't learn anything other than growing up in an abusive life is hard (DUH!) and trying to cram in motives, lifestyles, emotions, etc. into three completely disconnected segments (movie films Chiron as a boy, teenager, adult) didn't work at least with this film.
I really don't understand why this was nominated at all. I think it's just because Hollywood got a ton of backlash last year from the black community and they just want to avoid BLM riots or some crap. Literally EVERY other best picture nomination (didn't see La La Land but not into musicals) was FAR better than this pile.
Man of Steel (2013)
Horrible - makes no sense
This was one of those movies I thought, "oh boy" when I found out it was being made. I didn't go see it in theaters and one day I finally said, "Alright, let's do it..." Now before someone says I was already giving it a bad grade from the start, I did the same thing with all Harry Potter movies (literally after all were released I said on a Friday night, "K, let's do it." and was quite happy with the entire weekend spend on it). Such was not the case from this pile.
Within the first 10 minutes I was wondering what the hell was going on, what timeline I was in during the movie, and why Gladiator was doing what he was doing. I literally had to go to IMDb 10-15 minutes in to read the synopsis because I was clueless as to what I was watching. Was I watching Thor meets Chronicle of Riddick meets Clash of Titans? Whatever...
So some random planet launches some super kid to Earth. NOBODY outside of a random couple are aware of a spaceship coming into orbit and somehow those two move this giant machine into a cellar in a barn with nobody noticing. Wow. Why is this such a big point? Because the entire movie his 'dad' played by Tin Cup are telling him to not show off his powers and be as quiet as possible. This makes absolutely zero sense because he stops an oil rig from collapsing with his arms, destroys a semi truck with several giant trees/poles in a parking lot, among other things. But everyone forgets in stupid land, so why his dad is saying all this crap is beyond me.
Meanwhile, all this is happening while they keep switching between Superman acting like rogue (from x-men) trying to hide out and his kid life. So at this point I have ZERO idea of where I am timeline wise in the film. I was half expecting the directors to just all of the sudden have Superman as a 249,921 old man dying in his bed towards the end of the film. Would've made sense at that point.
Regardless, at some point Superman finds a ship that his parents (or someone) sent there, and we find out this ship has been in the ice for 18,000 years. Nevermind how someone trying to hide his identity with fake names gets to be part of a military operation investigating this ship. Either way, he gets in the ship and then his dad's conscience is talking to him? Wait, Superman was born like 30-40 years ago, so how could a ship crashed 18,000 years ago foresee this? Did I miss a crazy time warp somewhere in there? The only explanation is he grew at an incredibly slow rate or his travel to Earth took 18,000 years and he was comatose as a baby the entire ride.
Wait, if they shipped him to Earth, why couldn't the parents go again? If a giant ship crash landed on Earth 18,000 years ago, why couldn't the parents just be on that ship with the kid? Whatever, I finally turned this off 1/3 of the way through because I understood absolutely nothing that was going on in the film. When Tin Cup finally dies because he wants Superman not to expose himself I was just done. I did fastforward through some end parts and saw Superman throwing people through walls which could probably kill thousands yet whatever. The movie finally realizes this and has Superman stop some other dork trying to eye fry (lol) a family.... somehow holding this villain's head stops his eyes from simply LOOKING at the family.
Everything is so rushed in an attempt to create crazy FX scenes that you stop caring. 7.4? Are you out of your mind (referring to most of the public)? I guess all good movies take anymore is ridiculous $s thrown at big on screen 'asplosions' and FWAAAA moments.
Complete trash of a film.
The Breed (2006)
Great movie!
Film starts out pretty non-eventful. Random teens go to an island for a weekend of vacation but UH OH, the island is infested by rabid dogs! They don't explain too much about how the dogs get there but it starts off all cuddly when the group of young teens adopts some puppy. The puppy escapes one night and said hot blonde chick who I really wanted to go nude gets bitten by a rabid wild dog! From here you can assume what happens but the dogs all look so innocent and cuddly I couldn't help but make, "OOOH SA BABY BOY!" noises when they came on screen. There's no way those dogs would've hurt me. Anyway, the rest of the plot is unbelievably awesome and why this movie deserves box office gold.
After setting the scene, Mike Vick pops on scene about 45 minutes in with crazy metal background music and start chucking 100 mph footballs at the dogs rescuing the folks. He also starts out running the dogs and using his crazy football moves to dodge their attacks, etc.
Then at the very end, he is going down. He has like 5 dogs cornering him... and Alge Crumpler pops into the scene after gut checking a dog and says, "Looks like you could use some HANDS!" At this point Alge Crumpler is FULL on Falcons uniform and as the camera pans back Mike Vick is now in uniform also but with a ninja mask! Then the two get up and start out-dodging the dogs. Mike Vick continues spamming footballs which auto generate and an F-22 jet starts shooting missiles out of nowhere. Right now we've got crazy guitar playing and Vick is throwing footballs all over and Alge is catching them and power slamming dogs at the same time. The jet is still circling and a commanche helicopter busts onto the scene piloted by Arnold Schwarzeneggar who says calmly, "It's a hell of a day for a dog fight." He naturally blows the F-22 out of the air with no reasoning what so ever. The FX sequence takes at least 3 minutes.
Dogs are getting mowed down all over. One tries to assassinate Vick but he grabs it, electrocutes it, folds it into a ball like object, CHUCKS it at another dog. DOG goes down big time. The Husky and Cuba Gooding Jr. pop out of nowhere but Ahnuld takes em out with double helix style missiles.
This goes on for like 30 minutes and finally it's all over. Vick, Crumpler, Ahnuld and the survivors survey the damage. One dog barks over the horizon and charges in. Ahnuld grins at Vick who says, "Dog eat dog." and charges the dog. They leap at each other and Vick BITES his head off and ROARS, I said ROARS!!!!!!1!!!!!111 The movie ends with hardcore metal playing as the three... Vick/Crumpler/Ahnuld walk outta there. The remaining teens are not shot as nobody gives a **** about them anyway.
Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith (2005)
Huh?
I'm writing this as a combination of all the prequels - note that in my opinion the 3rd was JUST as bad as the 1st and 2nd.
Frankly, I don't get the entire 3 movies. 1st movie, we are introduced to Anakin - great... and some horrible acting and characters we don't care about AT ALL. There are no moments in the movie where we feel sympathy for any characters. Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan are introduced at the start but we feel no vulnerability from them. In the 1st Star Wars movie, the audience felt sympathy for Obi-Wan when he died because he had a sad past and was humble. We inherently knew he was good because he saved Luke and felt sympathy for others. Fast-forward to Episode 1, Qui-Gon and Obi-Won are settling a TRADE dispute? By a federation who is blockading a republic trading with.... a republic? HUH!? Jar Jar is annoying just because... he's banished cause he's dumb. So... okay, right. The audience never sympathizes with Anakin because while he's a slave, he a) has a job, b) has friends, c) seems generally happy, and d) has his own home with a mom. So yah, whatever.
2nd movie is just filler. Bunch of flashy sabers going all over the place. They investigate a conspiracy, figure it out, then go along with it anyway? HUH!? Whatever. The love in episode 5 between Han and Leia was REAL. Because she ACTED nervous and Han had been pushing it since he met her. It was REAL and DEVELOPED. In 2, it's forced... and because they are attracted to each other physically. There's no emotional tie at all.
3rd movie. Ugh. "No, it's because I love you." Jesus. Anakin's change to the dark side doesn't make any sense. "Obi-Wans right. You've changed." No he didn't. He's still the same whining *****ing kid killing selfish guy he was an episode ago. We're supposed to be SAD he went to the dark side? LOL. Guy is a turd plain and simple. And I get it... the lightsaber is cool, but is that an excuse to pop it out EVERY time someone is on screen? Luke USED A BLASTER MORE THAN ONCE! Obi-Wan uses it and it's like, "OMG NO I USED A BLASTER *slit wrists*". Everyone just stops caring. Plot makes you care when it needs to (towards end) and the rest is just mindless dribble. In the 4-6 the force was an aid to heighten senses. Now it turns you into a super human.
Whatever. Horrible addition to the franchise. It's Star Wars in the sense that it uses lightsabers and has named characters. Other than that... it's just a horrible series that stands alone.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)
Decent Summer Blockbuster
GI JOE: Rise of the Cobra is a film based on the action figures, comics, and television series. The basic premise of the film is a sort of cat and mouse chase to recover a very deadly weapon that uses nanotechnology. I wont go any further into the plot, but expect numerous twists and turns. The audience is definitely kept on the edge of their seat as various individuals and/or situations are not what they seem at first.
The movie itself gives you non-stop action for the entirety of the film. If you're one of those types that can't stand slow parts or over the top drama this is your film. The film takes you everywhere, and I literally mean that. You're treated to various countries, aerial scenes, underwater scenes and witness some devastation in great detail along the way. The CGI is top notch and is used well to stage the scenes.
What the movie seems to lack is direction. I felt like the producers jammed in WAY too many scenes and flashbacks. Some seemed necessary for the story but others just got in the way. It seems like they tried to dive into everyone's backstory a little too much, and the audience somewhat struggled imo (considering the average rating/reviews) to catch up to speed.
The actors seemed to do well with the material they had but it was quite obvious the producers were going for big explosions and special effects. No one performance really stood out. I felt Sienna Miller basically carried the whole film. Dennis Quaid didn't seem like he had much to do.
Overall a decent Friday night movie if you want to eat some popcorn and turn your mind off for 2 hours. 6/10.
Ratatouille (2007)
Realing Reaching....
Ratatouille is a film starring a inexperienced cook and a rat who knows how to cook.
The problem with the film is that it is TOO far fetched. We are introduced early on to Remy (the rat) and learn that he has a far stronger sense of smell than other rats, so much that he can smell rat poison and save his Dad. Effective rat poison is odorless, so this is sort of a plothole but whatever. Remy and the nest get washed away into Paris and the main story begins.
Most of the movie is centered around a restaurant, where a young inexperienced chef gets a job. He screws up a sauce somehow, and Remy saves the day by adding a bunch of ingredients. Here's a major problem I have... how did the rat just... LEARN to cook a complicated soup? I mean, he can smell ingredients, but where does he learn to cook them and what flavors work well together? The next part is where the film just launched a rocket filled with believability right off the planet. Since the rat can't work in a kitchen (obvious reasons) he sits on top of the chefs head and pulls hair to command him like a puppet because of some involuntary reflex. Are you serious? Just.... no.... Since the rat can understand English (huh? - would like to know how he developed it), why didn't they just rig some microphone thing so the rat could just sit on top of his head and talk to him? Frankly it would've been a more believable and interesting movie if they had gone into the background of how the rat learned to talk English (using subtitles and squeaks for the rest of the rats), and developed a tool to be able to speak to the human, and developed the relationship in that direction.
Regardless, eventually the human comes clean, the rat essentially works as a head chef in the new restaurant they open. Queue a little love fling with another chef and some drama with a couple competing chefs and that's the film.
I can only suspend my belief for so long before even my imagination is like, "Whoa.... hold on guys."
Snakes on a Plane (2006)
Huh? What's all the fuss about?
Quite frankly I was SICK and tired of hearing, "YOU HAVE to go see Snakes on a Plane!" It's an amazing film and is truly awesome. So I was at Blockbuster a couple days ago and saw this on a previewed buy it tag for $10. I said what the hell and picked it up. I came home and started into things.
The plot is simple enough. Some guy witnesses another guy being shot and the people who shot said dead guy witness (yawn) the guy witnessing the scene (lol.... wow). So now they are out to get him and Samuel L. rushes to the scene being the ultimate FBI bad-ass and protects this tool. So the goal is to get said tool out of Hawaii (convenient eh? - adds for some flashy photography) and back over to LA where he can be a witness in the trial.
So they get on a plane, and hence the plot, snakes are loaded aboard. The Leigh that are given to all the passengers (a Hawaii thing I guess) are conveniently sprayed with a pheromone that will anger the snakes. Already I have plot-hole #1: If it's easy to smuggle snakes on a plane and spray all these Leigh with pheromones, wouldn't it just be easier to snipe the guy, or blow him up with a bomb on the plane? "Well then we wouldn't have a movie!" some ass will yell. Whatever. I'll go along with it because it sounds fun. (Nothing yet in my critique has given this movie a low score).
So in the movie we have a blonde bimbo, a BIG BREASTED blonde bimbo (so there's a boob shot), a stoner, the baby and mom, the actor, and a couple kids. Everyone else you can assume dies including the big breasted blonde bimbo AFTER we see her boobs. So whatever. The first snake scene happens after a snake comes through the bathroom hole where the smoke alarm was taken off by our stoner and DD'd counterpart that are getting it on. #1: The cargo (where snakes are) and ventilation ducts to a plane are two ENTIRELY different areas, #2: Marijuana and cigarette smoke rarely set off a smoke alarm, #3: You can't TAKE off a smoke alarm in those planes, you'd have to rip out the whole vent. So that makes this whole death scene simply stupid.
After this, snakes start pouring out everywhere and getting into everything. It's all CGI so it looks completely ridiculous. Some guy gets bit in the weiner (yawn), other guys get bit in the face numerous times and such nonsense. Some 4 year old kid gets bitten by a King Cobra and somehow lives for 2-3 more hours (yet a King Cobra can kill an elephant in 3 hours so go figure). Meanwhile the only baby in the film survives although you can really tell the actors were contemplating killing it off. Either way they don't.
So eventually everyone on the plane gets pushed to the front where said hero Samuel L is along with his witness. They baracade the hallways to the coach area of the plane. Even though the snakes are in the vents, cargo, cockpit, and all over, first class is protected. Kind of sends a message about first class in general. Pay more and you'll be safe WOOHOO $$$$ for the airlines. So they are all chilling there trying to call some whacko snake guy (the only person I found enjoyable in the film) to get info. on the vaccines they'll need. The one ACCURATE part about this movie is how the snakes were from all over the world and that hospitals don't carry enough anti-venom and vaccines to help - woohoo +1.
Anyway, both captains die from snakebites (autopilot was enabled so that's good) and the agreement is to have some guy who has 2000 hours (on a video game mind you) fly the plane. Now if this was Flight Simulator 2000 or one of Microsoft's highly real games I MIGHT be able to buy it, but we're talking a ACTION PSP game here. Go blow yourselves directors because this is the flat out stupidest thing I've ever seen. So right as they come into the cockpit snakes are all over. So then Samuel's line comes out, "I've HAD it with this #*(#&(#&$(*# snakes on a &$*(@&$(@*& plane." Okay wow... I paid $10 for that *proceeds to whack off*. So the big plan to get rid of them all? Shoot out a window and suck them all out. LMFAO. If you put a bullet through a window in the plane you'd have a QUICK suck of error for about 4-5 seconds and that'd be it. NOTHING would be sucked out of an entire broken window, which is impossible (not in this movie though...) since it's not glass.
So at this point we've got: PSP pro landing a 747, snakes being sucked out of the plane (with humans nearly being so), a kid that has the immune system of God, CGI snakes, 1-2 good lines, snakes places they shouldn't be, and various fallacies about planes.
Unlike Eight Legged Freaks (decent-good movie), this movie took itself somewhat seriously. It was hard to determine if it was trying to be a joke, funny, spoofy movie, or if it was actually trying to be serious. I got mixed signals from it which is why it sucked. At the end we kind of forget the whole point of the movie and never see a cool, suspenseful or sneaky ending. Everyone is safe, Samuel asks the flight attendent out, and that's it. The villain apparently is screwed now (but we never find out) and apparently everyone just gets the anti-venom.
3/10 - what's all the fuss about?
The Net (1995)
What computers?
This movie is such a piece of unbelievable crap. First let me talk about the pros: Sandra Bullock in a black bathing suit.
Now the rest of the story which is all pretty much bad. We have said computer programmer Angela Bennett (who's online profile is ANGEL - HOW WITTY!!! I bet the directors cheered over that one for an hour) who basically checks other Company's software for errors/glitches etc. So we start with her ordering pizza on the Internet and then putting on a fireplace on her monitor (EXTREME computer skills shown thus far). This is after she finds some virus on a macintosh program which crashes the whole system after hitting the escape key. This is apparently a HUGE problem yet the virus created to do such could be done in about 1 minute with a simple batch file.
Any event, we move on. She gets this call from some other bloke (that works at the same company) and this fool says to go click this symbol which apparently opens up some secret Internet gateway to a bunch of unprotected 'top secret' data woohoo! Angela saves this crap on a disc and now the people that created this loophole are out to get her. This of course is only after she hooks up with one of the bad guys only BEFORE he tries to kill her BEFORE she jumps in the ocean off his boat, BEFORE she winds up in a random hospital.
Problem #1: You can't create a loophole on the Internet to gain access to a bunch of top secret FBI data. Where the hell did this come from? Since when can a group of hackers control the basic flow of the Internet (even in 95)? Problem #2: Angela would need proper identification before a hospital or clinic would release her. She could not just pack her things and go.
Then these 'hackers' or whatever change Angela's ID so she can't get help from anyone and conveniently enough all her ID is gone. So she returns home and a cat and mouse chase goes on and on and on.
Apparently all police and FBI people are stupid and don't believe her. So then she has to utilize a bunch of tactics to enter into the building where she works (where the person who is now filling in for her is) and get back to her old computer. She starts talking to some other random bloke and finds out who is behind everything through some BS IP address that the director knows the audience is too stupid enough to believe.
Then she runs to some center to mail all this information to the FBI. She apparently HAS to use a mainframe to email stuff to the FBI. But then the same fool that tried to kill her BEFORE throwing her in the water catches her and easily hacks into the FBI again (wtf?). But remember that cool virus? Well somehow she luckily gets that and even though the virus only worked on software, it now works on the entire system too. It brings down the whole mainframe which has all the fake information because the mainframe was just sitting in the middle of some convention... WHAT THE HELL IS THIS CRAP! Anyway, the now uber virus works and Angela (the real one now) runs away and later kills the evil dude with a fire extinguisher. He of course has a gun, runs up to her so he's like 2 feet away and then decides to aim. CLASSIC Hollywood.
All in all this movie is so full of BS and crap. Anyone who doesn't know a lot about computers will be wildly fooled into thinking this crap is possible but not one thing is accurate concerning computers or the net. And I honestly doubt I'd see a multiplatform virus for Mac and a mainframe computer (*cough LMAO*).
Legally Blonde (2001)
Wow... just wow...
To even make sense of this movie or enjoy it you LITERALLY have to be one of the following 3 types of people:
1) Blonde woman 2) EXTREMELY sexually desperate man 3) 1 and 2 or IQ < 65
We have the character of Elle Woods. She's some fashion major at some random college (we don't care) and she's the Cliché blonde. Huge boobs, blonde hair, prissy walk, blah blah etc. This is literally saying that all blonds are this way because all of her blonde friends are stupid, have big boobs, and have to give lap dances to pass classes. BUT NOT ELLE!
So after her boyfriend dumps her (jeez I wonder why - her crying in the middle of the restaurant would involuntarily jerk my right hand up to grab a knife and kill myself) she figures that he wants a 'serious' girl to be in a relationship with. So she decides to go to Harvard Law where he is going. So she studies for the LSATs (np) and uses her 4.0 (in fashion) and big boobs to get into Harvard Law. This is the biggest insult to such a school in the history of movies. The famous line heard round the World as her boyfriend (upon meeting again) says, "You... got into Harvard law?" Elle responds, "What like it's hard? Oh my god this year is gonna be just like last year except funner!" Upon that line I cringed and stabbed myself twice in the neck. The pain endured was half that of watching this rubbish.
So Elle continues along and finds out her boyfriend (who is now the enemy girls...) has a woman. The woman is a royal tool and eventually Elle just starts owning everything. She meets this other tool and they start to get a little love fling going. Then she gets on some team and starts helping out on a case with this woman she knows who was indicted because she was thought to kill her husband. Either way the real lawyer (who is also Elle's teacher) gets fired because the client is blonde and needs blonde power from Elle now.
*SPOILER - should you even care* So Elle solves the case because the real murderer said she was in the shower and the perm is still in tact which meant she wasn't in the shower, meaning she killed her father. Here's now an insult to Harvard law professors. I love how some PORTRAYED blonde bimbo discovers this, yet a big shot lawyer can't. Is this a joke or what?
In any event the ending is the cheesiest piece of crap alive. Elle and the one tool are dating, her old boyfriend is now a loser, and the new woman of the old boyfriend is now best friends. I crapped myself 5 times after finishing this movie and quickly downed a bottle of Listerine in an effort to dull the pain. I then slept for 5 days and awoke still hearing the stupid blood-curling scream that blonde over-hyped girls do. You know when they jump up and down and shake their hands high and scream with that whiny face. YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKK!!!!
RUN FROM THIS MOVIE. RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!!!