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Reviews
Hoboken Hollow (2006)
wasted some of my life
I was actually quite looking forward to this one- sounded good, promising cover and based on true events. What more could you ask for? Well, the short answer to that is anything that wasn't this. I've seen some stinkers in my time, but this has to rate as one of the worst. A very noteworthy cast- Dennis Hopper, Michael Madson, Lyn Shaye and oh.... C. Thomas Howell and Jason Connery. If Connery Jnr is in anything, you know it's going to be cheap and BAD. The actual story is very fragmented- you don't actually know why they're killing people, least of all I couldn't make it out apart from being sadists with a pathetic little cattle prod that kept poking people in the neck. Its a very basic version of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre for kids- implied cannibalism, a hulking big brother with limited intelligence, and general lunacy all round. A rape for no apparent reason to the plot, people who could have escaped but decided they liked it there, a lot of rubbish about Cedar wood that was just dull, and a mentally challenged fat madman who wasn't after all. The whole thing just stunk. If you're thinking of watching this- please don't.
Spunky's Camping Adventure (1998)
Wow!
I'm a big fan of the book, so when I heard that Spunky was flying out, I couldn't wait to see the film. The animation is quite good, despite being a low budget film, but shuddered here and there and became a bit rigid in places. The climax of the film is brilliant to watch, when spunky finally lets fly with all his power. The camping theme is inspired and when spunky comes out of the bush soaking wet, it's hilarious- pure creamy goodness! If you ever get a chance to watch a spunky adventure, grab it with both hands. This is a good fun film for all of the family and I can't recommend "Spunky's Camping Adventure" enough!
Martyrs (2008)
Brutal, Bleak, Brilliant
Where the hell do I start with this film? Well, someone lent me a copy a couple of years ago. Recently, I bought my own copy which is still unopened. The reason for this is that although Martyrs is a must-have film for any decent collection, it is incredibly hard to watch, hence my reluctance to sit through it again. And my reluctance comes purely from my inability to stomach the absolute inhumanity and level of violence within. This has been compared many films in the "hostel" ilk, but trust me, this has the barest of connections to those films. This raises the game to near perfection and although I find this deeply unsettling to watch, I cannot deny the artistry involved- Well shot and perfectly acted with a storyline unknown until the very end- and that part reaches the pinnacle of monstrosity within this film. I don't know if this can be classed as "Horror"- I'm thinking that Martyrs may well have created its own Genre. An absolute must-see film, and certainly one of a kind.
Salem's Lot (1979)
Without doubt, THE BEST vampire film ever.
There's something about this movie that has never been matched by anything in the same genre. This film drips atmosphere and builds a sense of uncomfortability, due to its domestic and ordinary setting. The characters ( as mentioned in many other reviews ) are utterly perfect- David Soul and James Mason pull something fantastic out of their acting bags and complement each other beautifully, whereas the creepy scenes are exactly that- the window and rocking chair moments in my opinion are terrifying- both are burned into memory from seeing this film as a child. For a TV mini series, this was something truly special and set the benchmark for many films to come.
My Uncle the Alien (1996)
dear God..
This has to be the worst film of all time. The presidents' daughter runs away to get some funding for a youth hostel where her friends live, gets kidnapped by a pair of losers and meets up with a sassy skateboard kid. Utter Crap.
A totally random story with rubbish poundshop ET alien in it that doesn't show up until the last five minutes, spouts some inspirational crap to the president's daughter, then buggers off to his spaceship and says he never will return- Great!
Truly, Truly Awful. You will never see a worse film than this, unless it's a snuff film of a close family member.
Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides (2011)
bad bad bad
I watched this film at the Cinema with very high hopes- Everyone knows the 2nd and 3rd instalments weren't as good as the Black Pearl and this certainly didn't improve anything. I sat through this with complete predictability- Purely a vehicle for Johnny Depp to stagger about doing his Captain Jack- and to be honest, this holds no novelty any more. A boring storyline that no-one cares about, Penelope Cruz attempting to take over from Keira Knightly, and Geoffrey Rush having no idea who's side he was on. The magic has well and truly gone- and sadly the Pirates legacy is one of being just a cash cow for Disney. A very Tired and uninspired attempt that would certainly put you off awaiting a fifth.