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MrTeenie
Reviews
Midway (2019)
A solid war film
Dear Michael Bay, this is how you make a good Pacific war film. But judging on your previous efforts, you may also need to get an adult to read this to you.
It is not perfect, but it feels like a real war film, not just a collection of platitudes and explosions, although it does admittedly have a few clumsy bits of dialogue.
If you're undecided, you could do much worse than watch this.
Bad Girls (1994)
Bad Film
Yet another film where the film makers are more interested in half-baked social commentary than in making a strong story with strong characters.
It would also be much honest if people stopped trying to pump up the ratings with obviously gratuitous 10/10s. This film has done nothing to earn them.
Silverado (1985)
Swing and a miss
This was mis-cast, badly paced, with shallow characters and tired cliches. There was never any tension in the gun fights, the bad guys were only good for menacing the extras, while the main characters were mostly untouchable.
The love interests were crammed in and nowhere in the film was anything that made me care what happened to anyone.
This almost looked like a student film. Give it a miss.
Into the Woods (2014)
Don't waste your time
Yet another unnecessary fairy tale film, yet another unnecessary musical, yet another unnecessary James Corden film.
This does not warrant any more words spent on it.
Just Go with It (2011)
If you're easily entertained, this is for you.
Do you like subtlety? Do you like depth? Do you like quality? Too bad. Adam Sandler doesn't do those things. This is one of the laziest, sloppiest mess he'd ever backed out.
There are no spoilers in this review, unless you consider pointing out that the whole is massively awful could be considered a spoiler.
New born babies have written better scripts with their own poop than this.
This film doesn't deserve having any more words spent on it, except these:
Avoid it.
The Three Musketeers (2011)
Another In Name Only mess
When you don't have the talent to make the story from the book work, mash it together like this. This film is nowhere near as clever as it thinks it is, nor as amusing, stylish or fun. It is just a self congratulatory mess.
A storyline that someone apparently came up with after watching Hudson Hawk combined with the cleverness of an Adam Sandler film.
Everyone in it seems to be under the impression they're making a powerful film, instead of wasting money and time.
Unless you are an infant, or have the attention span of one, avoid this rubbish at all costs.
Crackerjack (2002)
Pedestrian time waster
Yet another lightweight, inoffensive (read: nothing to say), ultra tame snooze fest. It might be of mild interest to those who live locally if they're easily entertained by seeing the place where they live on film, otherwise lower all expectations.
Mick Molloy continues the Australian tradition of using television personalities in a feature film and failing to fulfil any potential. And hopefully whoever decided to cast Judith Lucy has resigned, as she has all of the on-screen charisma of a test pattern. I can only assume that anyone who rated this positively is easily amused.
The Wog Boy (2000)
Puerile rubbish, save your time and money
Made-for-DVD tripe with a (barely) one-trick-pony as its 'star'.
Low budget can only forgive so many flaws. Giannopoulos has little to no on-screen charisma, and the 'jokes' don't even rate dad-joke level.
The poor people who worked on this have wasted their time and talent on something that will never appear on the resume of anyone trying for credibility.
Ever wonder why Giannopoulos isn't talked about in the same way as Hugh Jackman, Russell Crowe, Hugo Weaving or Guy Pearce? If you watch this mess, you'll wonder no more.
Battle of the Bulge (1965)
Bad film badly made
First off, the historical accuracy of this mess is non-existent. The actual Battle of the Bulge was in the Ardennes, a fact that the film makers either ignored, or were just plain unaware of. If you can't make a film based on an actual event that genuinely reflects those events, then make something else.
The action scenes are laughably bad, the acting is wooden, with minor exceptions, such as Robert Shaw and the Germans. Robert Ryan's general is glove-slappingly awful with the same on screen credibility as a military commander as an infant. Henry Fonda apparently plays the only knowledgeable officer in the American army and the far sighted saviour of the western world. There are only two scenes in this entire mess worth watching: the Panzer Lehr song fest, and the scene where Colonel Hessler inspects the tanks and announces 'It can be done!'
Everything else is schoolboy level amateur rubbish. Avoid this mess.
Evolution (2001)
Don't expect too much
If this is your first ever film, don't despair, it gets better from here. Obvious (and cheap) humour, obvious product placement, shallow characters, this film has it all.
Maybe if you're a child you may get more out of it, but we all know that children are basically idiots. This is not the film to help their brains develop.
This film had potential, but wasted it badly.
War of the Worlds (2019)
Swing and a miss. A big miss!
When you have an alien invasion story, don't, for the love of all of you hold dear, don't include drawn out domestic troubles between flat characters. Aliens have invaded, humanity is threatened, maybe you should concentrate on that?
Also, flesh out your characters, don't just give them the basics of personality, because if you are like me, you won't care what happens to them. At all.
Also, don't EVER resort to the standard cliches of 'whoops I dropped my gun, I can't spend a second to retrieve it, better run like an idiot'. Your characters don't need to be veteran gunfighters, but anyone who isn't a complete moron would figure out basic gun handling techniques.
Also, on the subject of morons, give your characters SOME commons sense. Surely they know how to lock doors. Surely they know not to freely walk outside when killer aliens are on the loose.
And finally, don't have boring idiot characters think that they should try to figure out how to live with the aliens. It's called 'War of the Worlds', even if it's In Name Only.
This started okay, but quickly ran out of steam and turned into a waste of time.
Jack and Jill (2011)
The film equivalent of a war crime
Yet another abysmal effort from Adam Sandler. Does he genuinely not have anyone to tell him 'no'? He really needs someone to tell him when something isn't working, which let's face it is becoming more and more common.
Maybe he just needs to check his massive ego and stop doing vehicles for himself and get some supporting roles, try to learn what funny means again, learn how to make a good film by watching others.
I mean, what's next here, a feature length close-up of Sandler cracking 'jokes' to a hand puppet? Or maybe I shouldn't give him any ideas.
IMDB really needs to add a zero rating, because giving it a '1' seems to indicate that I found something good about this.
This review has no spoilers, as the film itself is so rotten it can't be spoiled.
The Hustle (2019)
Rebel Wilson in a lead role... why?
This film is just further proof that Rebel Wilson should not be allowed anywhere near a film production.
Fat does not equal funny, which appears to be a lesson that Hollywood still has yet to learn.
I have nothing against women being the leading characters, but they really need to stop copying what men have done and try something original if they want to be taken seriously.
Mr. Accident (2000)
Third time was not the charm.
This was Greg Pead's best film. Because it was his last one.
You know you're in for a turd fest when the cast is made up of 'celebrities' instead of proper actors.
This film is the epitome of cultural cringe. I do not want any friend of mine from overseas to know this was Australian.
I get the impression that Pead was never told 'no' as a child, and encouraged to explore his creative side. His parents need to be punished for this.
Some people are known to be a 'one trick pony', but the only trick I can see from Pead is getting people to pay to watch this.
If this had been turned in as student project, it would be unacceptable. To release it to the public and ask them to pay for it should see Pead send to The Hague for crime against humanity.
There are no spoilers in this review, unless to say that this film is a overripe turd is a spoiler.
Reckless Kelly (1993)
A waste of everyone's time and money
When your biggest contribution to comedy is changing your name to something wacky, just give up.
This is embarrassing. If I had worked on this, it would never show up on my CV.
Greg Pead (I'm not going to play his game) must not have anyone around him to tell him no, it's not even infantile as infants can make you laugh sometimes.
Thankfully he seems to have gotten the message and hasn't polluted the cinemas since 2000.
Stupid comedy can be funny. This is just stupid.
I wouldn't even recommend this as an April Fool's joke, it would be going too far.
Seriously, I couldn't say anything too bad about this movie that wouldn't have been totally earned by it.
Battleship (2012)
Better things to waste your money on
If you have no concept of quality, if you have no issues in wasting your money, if you constantly drool down your shirt when you flap your mouth hole, then this film might be for you. For the rest of you, avoid this like the plague. It truly doesn't deserve any more words spent on it that this.
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)
Overblown, overlong and unnecessary.
Peter Jackson has become a joke version of himself. Too reliant on CG and too full of himself. Save your money if it's not too late.
Holmes & Watson (2018)
A waste of time, money and resources
This is what happens when runaway egos have no one around to say no to them. It doesn't deserve any more words spent on it.
A Bullet in the Arse (2003)
Everything most Australian cinema isn't: Good!
I saw this at a friend's house recently and was blown away. I know it's low budget and all that, but man, talk about money well spent...except maybe for some of the music. But the rest of the film more than makes up for that blip. Classic Sergio Leone homage, with maybe a few touches of Sam Raimi? Possibly a hint of James Cameron in the action bits? Hmmm? No? Well I'm sure these guys must watch a lot of the above filmmakers. Anyway, I would have happily paid to see this in a cinema, but apparently that's still yet to happen. Why? What money grubbing bastard is preventing this? Give me their names and I'll cheerfully persuade them. Sorry, back to the review: Excellent use of locations, dynamic action scenes, no-name actors (but why is that supposed to be so bad?), and some really good characters. Just what is the function of the guy in the red t-shirt in the brothel? Or maybe I don't want to know. Anyway, seven thumbs up.