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Im Westen nichts Neues (2022)
Worse than the source material in every way
Maybe as a history teacher I was more prone to hate this movie than the average movie goer. However, I hated every stupid, vapid change the writers and director made to the source material. While there were many great effects and the audio was fantastic, the plot changes are awful.
This is based on a novel by Remarque. He fought in World War I. It was meant to be an authentic look at the war. What real human beings experienced. This movie, on the other hand, added all kinds of historical inaccuracies and exaggerations. Instead of a somber warning from the wisdom of a man who survived the war, we get an exaggerated account with events that 15-year old would imagine. For instance, there's a scene where a large group of maybe 70 men are dead in a room from poison gas. This is impossible. The gasses were phosgene, mustard, and chlorine. All of these gases were very detectable because they were caustic! It would burn skin and lungs and men would die from drowning in their fluids and their own blood. So how would a group of 70 men who have gas masks all die in a confined room? Also, both sides used these gasses because they sink into the trenches as they are denser than air. So how could men in a random factory room die from gas? It's just impossible and stupid.
Other major plot points are just juvenile and stupid. Rather than focusing on simple, realistic events and tragedy, the writers and this director exaggerated everything to be visually disgusting more than authentic. For instance, it was a major event for Paul to kill his French soldier because he'd never committed visceral, face-to-face violence. But in the movie it just showed him smashing a small shovel edge into a French soldier's neck repeatedly ten minutes before that. Why would you add this? It takes away from the whole point of the scene in the crater! I think most changes simply made the theme of the movie less authentic.
Some of the major changes are clearly unlikely or nearly impossible from a historical or plot standpoint. How did the kid manage to get around Paul to shoot the other German soldier after they stole the goose egg? How does it benefit your theme to have a random pubescent French farm kids shoot someone? It doesn't. It's worse. It's much worse. Or why does Tjaden (I believe that's his name) stab himself in the neck? How does that make the theme work better? It's like the movie is screaming WAR IS BAD!!! It's like what a high school student would write for a history project where they write a short story about the war. I know because I literally assign a creative writing assignment to history students about WWI and that's the stupid type of plot point they write because they have low comprehension of what the soldiers actually went through or felt. Look at this event I made up that isn't part of a real WWI veteran's perspective! What wouldn't have been over the top would have been Tjaden unexpectedly dying from an injury that didn't seem life threatening. Because that's the type of thing that DID happen frequently. Is that good writing though? YES. That is what Remarque wrote in the bloody all-time classic nove!
All Quiet on the Western Front names as such because Paul died on a day where ALL WAS QUIET ON THE WESTERN FRONT!!! Why would you make Paul die in a massive fictional attack in the last fifteen minutes of the war? Why??? Why is the movie called that? Not to mention that this last random German attack is totally made up and never happened. It's inauthentic. It's over the top. It's plain stupid. Paul dying as the "the war is officially over, stop killin'!" announcement is what a child would write. Changes to the basic plot should ENHANCE the themes of the material, but this movie failed miserably. Give me the 1930 movie over this one any day of the week. It's dated, but at least it is authentic. Netflix's All Quiet reminds me of Hostel, honestly. It's more focused on being grisly than being honest and accurate, or even its theme.
Elvis (2022)
This movie is over stylized trash
Remember when Gatsby came out and everyone hated it? Take everything bad about that movie and double it. This movie is infantile and has so many cuts and flashy aftereffects that it feels like a music video. Yeah, I get it's about a musician, but your movie should not feel like it breezes through virtually everything like a montage. "But breaking the cinematic rules is akin to what Elvis did, so it makes sense that this movie has bad structuring and low connection to almost all the characters," I hear you argue. But this movie made me feel nothing. It was like watching a YouTuber make a bad movie to purposely make fun of Baz Luhrmann's insipid over-the-top style. Birdman can ignore filmmaking conventions because it actually has an interesting message. Blair Witch can break conventions because it's a gimmick. Elvis... this movie has nothing to offer but a pretty decent performance by the actor who played Elvis. Other than that, this movie is awful. The academy might as well go back and retroactively nominate Gatsby for best picture. The fact that this movie got a nod but Till got snubbed goes to show how stupid the academy is. Just give the noms to the production companies that give you the best incentives. I'm sure people are never going to get fed up with bad pick after bad pick. Don't watch this. Go watch Till instead. It's much better. Or Babylon. Or any other deserving movie that got snubbed for this three hour long music video style piece of refuse.
The Good Nurse (2022)
Obvious embellishments are annoying
Any movie advertising itself as a true story should at least try to blend the embellishments with real events. Unfortunately, it was pretty obvious when the scriptwriters were making things happen (e.g. The making dinner scene). Aside from stupid, unrealistic embellishments, the movie is pretty much what you'd expect. Redmayne is a solid actor and does a good job riding the line between meek and mild mannered and someone who's believable as a serial killer. The movie also really leaned into the perspective of the nurse, which makes sense since it was based on her book. I think they tried too hard to give the story the Erin Brokovich treatment... but Chastain's performance just isn't as likeable as Julia Roberts. As far as true crime stories go, I'd rather watch an old episode of Forensic Files and skip the Hollywood pandering.
X (2022)
Not... what...I expected...
This movie has a ton of clever little touches. They set up a cheesy 70s pornography aesthetic with wipe transitions and pretty decent 70s songs. The movie then blatantly references movies that abruptly change the plot halfway through with a Psycho reference. There are many thematic discussions in the movie. I never expected at all for the movie to focus so much on the sexuality of young people versus the sexuality of the elderly. It was also a bit distracting that the elderly woman was in old-person makeup. The theme seems to be that old people were the exact same as young people and have always liked sex? I found it more weird than good, but I suppose I don't regret seeing the movie.
Basket Case (1982)
Not bad for a very low budget body horror!
This is very low budget but they do a pretty good job getting around that. The main character acts pretty well, and you do get to like him and the other characters. Of course, this movie being a cult classic makes it easier to look past the threadbare aesthetics and effects. Definitely worth a watch if you are a horror aficionado. Watching this also makes other modern body horror movies better to watch, like Malignant!
Malignant (2021)
Well, it wasn't all boring.
This movie... good lord. It's set up as a typical low-budget, garbage movie. You think it's going to just be a stupid, typical horror movie. The first hour is kinda boring and has horror cliches. There are some homages to Basket Case and this seems more or less like the same plot. Really, the only reason to watch this is the bats**t insane action at the end of the movie. It's such a crazy turn. This movie is pretty bad and boring up until then, but having the movie change gears so abruptly was sure enjoyable and makes the movie rise a bit above terrible.
Old Henry (2021)
One of the greatest moments!
Don't look up anything about this movie and just watch it. There's an incredible scene that I thought was absolutely amazing and it's best if you don't know why it's good, but just rest assured that this western does well to create a tense situation. It's a bit of a slow burn, but I loved a couple of its scenes. It's mostly just OK and I'm not rushing to rewatch it, but the experience of that first watch was great.
3:10 to Yuma (2007)
A solid western.
It's a remake of a 50s classic, so the overdramatic theme and plot were to be expected. There are some pretty interesting scenes and plenty of well-written characters (although the bit with Luke Wilson seemed a bit too goofy in my opinion). The theme is somewhat stupid; it seems like the main character is destined to lose in life because of old war injuries and has trouble making his ranch work. This leads to his wife and son openly despising him and his son respecting a murdering outlaw more than his own father. That aspect is mostly annoying, with a whiny teenager weighing down the better tracking and gunslinging parts. It's not a classic, but is still worth a watch if you like westerns.
Il tuo vizio è una stanza chiusa e solo io ne ho la chiave (1972)
Somewhat enjoyable schlock!
I watched this with a few people and it was really fun to laugh along at the ridiculous plot developments. It starts off way too serious and strange... there is a spousal abuse scene that is difficult to watch. That happens in an... orgy party I guess... scene, and the movie has frequent nudity and sexuality. The Poe story seems to only influence the movie a little, but knowing the Poe story does certainly spoil the very ending. Regardless, the most enjoyable part of this was laughing my friends at how crazy the plot and characters became. The ending is typical for Giallo, and overall this movie isn't terrible and isn't great. Some fun and good moments are here, adding up to pretty middle-of-the-road fare.
Resident Evil (2022)
This was written by a zombie.
There's just so much wrong with this show. Some of the reviews hammer the actors, but I don't think they're all that bad. The writing (plot and dialogue) and direction are what really sink the show.
The character writing is awful. The characters say things that no human would ever say. Worse, every character seems to have similar, terrible dialogue-every character makes the same type of stupid statements and jokes. Powerful CEO of a company? She makes jokes about masturbation. Intelligent scientist? Says she got peed on in college. I can't emphasize enough the terrible dialogue that goes far beyond campy. Not only do characters say things they'd never say, but they do things they'd never do. Stupid, illogical things. For instance, a character is in a room with zombies just outside the door that has a barred window. She decides to put a box of grenades on HER side of the door instead of dropping one on the other side. The writers never really thought about what an actual human would do or say in any of the situations.
The plot writing is terrible. Maybe this was supposed to be a movie so it needed filler, but the show follows a formula that gets predictable and boring. Main character gets tracked down by Umbrella, is taken to a new location, gets free (possibly with help), gets away from Umbrella for a few minutes, and then is tracked down again. I think this happened about 10 times in 8 episodes. This is made even more egregious that we spend the first couple episodes jumping between the past and the future, with about 50% allotted to both. So we watch Umbrella chasing down future main character for a few minutes, then flip back to past her and past sister in high school. Just what Resident Evil needed! High school drama in the introduction! The plot is coherent at a basic level, but is more stupid than campy. Charactwrs constantly just happen to run into each other, and there is zero sense of geography. People are just in scenes, but the setting isn't staged well at all. Everywhere looks the same. Hallways and corners in industrial looking buildings. Characters do stupid things constantly to push the plot in a certain direction. For instance, Umbrella wants to trade a scavenger group for the main character. The scavenger group is willing to trade her, but Umbrella just starts shooting them all for no reason before they get her. Why would you do that? It makes no sense. Terrible plot writing, that's why!
Finally, the direction is awful. The first episode opens with stupid jerky camera movements and zombies jerking their heads around like morons. The music is jammed into random scenes for no reason. It all adds up to a director who made many, many poor decisions. My guess is he put more thought into cashing the paycheque than he did actually directing this show.
Don't watch this unless you want to watch some over the top bad TV. Even then, there are much better zombie series for campy, schlocky fun.
The Void (2016)
Low-budget Lovecraftian schlock
This movie has a very short run time of less than 90 minutes, but it still feels like it drags in places. The effects are okay for what they are, but still look a little cheesy. The director is smart enough to avoid letting the camera stay on the practical effects for too long, so they work. Unfortunately, the characters make illogical decisions quite a bit and act like they're in a different movie. Extremely messed up, Eldritch situations shouldn't have cheesy action lines like, "Looks like we've got company!" Or whatever bland lines the characters blurt out during action-y scenes. The acting tanks it, and I think maybe the director got the actors to act like it's a cheesy horror movie when the overall tone isn't really cheesy at all. It just didn't work very well, and the people I watched it with disliked it even more than I did.
Pontypool (2008)
Stephen McHattie's voice is amazing
This movie is strange. Not necessarily good or bad... just strange. The whole premise seems to be a metaphor of some kind? But the movie doesn't seem too interested in being a typical movie or spending any money. It would've been nice if they could've established more of the logic behind the infection so that the metaphor was a little clearer. Anyway... the movie was kind of interesting, but hearing Stephen McHattie talk like a radio host for an hour was awesome.
Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness (2022)
Neat effects... but still boring
Well, lots of mindless action with characters who've generally been fairly intelligent in other movies. Naming a character America might be one of the stupidest decisions... yeah, I'm sure she's a comic book character, but it's sure distracting to hear people say "America's in trouble," and garbage. The movie is not well structured and doesn't really establish stakes properly. Why do I care about America? I mean, a few dozen monks appear to die and the movie moves on pretty quick from that. I just really don't find America to be interesting or charismatic at all. I also don't really get why the Scarlet Witch and Dr Strange never really tried to come up with other solutions... like helping America to learn to use portals? The whole thing is just stupid excuses for action. At least Bruce Campbell is getting a paycheque for a Marvel movie cameo.
The Father (2020)
Feel good movie of the year!
Good lord, this movie was one of the most depressing viewing experiences I've ever had. Having had elderly relatives who have gone through dementia, this definitely makes you understand how awful it is. It's directed really well and Hopkins is amazing, but go into this knowing it's going to be emotionally rough.
Jigeum uri hakgyoneun (2022)
Decent zombie show, but falls apart
This show has decent characterization and the action is fairly interesting. It falls apart with the lapses in logic, though. Some characters do things that don't make a lot of sense, like taking unnecessary risks or not helping other characters they like. The show also excessively wastes time on characters who do nothing in the grand scheme of things. One person essentially took like 2 hours of screen time in the first season, opened a door for the main group, and then left. While that gives the feeling that any character could die, it also makes it seem like only the core characters actually matter and that everyone will just vanish or die from the show. Not to mention that there is a character who could easily deal with many of the issues the main group faces and... just doesn't? Maybe they explain at some point why this girl doesn't use her unique abilities more... but it seems like most problems are easily solved by getting that girl to go do things for the group. In conclusion, there are many logical issues that take away from the various problems they have to solve but the zombie stuff is still interesting for a zombie fan.
Cleaner (2007)
Generic and bland
I sincerely thought that this was low-quality Netflix movie made during Covid. Halfway through I decided it was not a great movie and looked it up on IMDb to see how bad of a movie I was in for... and saw it's from 2007! It's like generic Netflix shovelware before that was even a thing! The movie isn't even technically competent. On one scene, Sam Jackson's daughter says something very emotionally charged about her mother (and Jackson's widow) that he would HAVE to respond to. Instead, Jackson looks confused for a second, and then the movie just cuts to him cleaning a convenience store in slow motion. The scene just ends and smash cuts to the Cleaner cleaning up a convenience store! There's no conclusion to the scene, in a real Hollywood movie. There's quite a bit of melodrama, and most of it doesn't land and just had me rolling my eyes. A teenage girl is crying about her dead mother and throws some clothes on the bed and Sam Jackson yells "what the damn hell is wrong with you?" At his own daughter who's sad that she lost her mother... The mystery behind the plot turns out to be pretty much boring. In the big reveal, they just said the first name of the culprit... I didn't even remember who it was because they called him Ed instead of Eddie during the reveal. So stupid. It didn't help either that Ed Harris was telegraphed so obviously as the bad guy that the only thing that confused me about the plot was why they would cast Ed Harris as a guy who Eva Mendez was having an affair with. The finale didn't work at all, either. Apparently Sam Jackson's relationship with his daughter is fixed after she is forced to shoot her godfather in the face??? What human being could have contrived this plot??
The Long Kiss Goodnight (1996)
It's a worse Bourne movie
Well... it's a movie. It has the same basic plot as the Bourne Identity, except the super spy person became a housewife during the amnesia phase. Geena Davis does OK as an action person, except her voice is too velvety smooth to pull off being a badass. To make matters worse, the movie is constantly trying to force cool lines and one liners on the audience. Some work. Sam Jackson, of course, delivers his swear laden rants very well. The movie goes crazy over-the-top in the climax, and I felt like watching any Bourne would've been a lot better use of my time.
Shurayukihime (1973)
The original Kill Bill
This movie is well filmed and easy to watch. Some scenes have pretty rough assault depictions, and elsewhere the nudity seems unnecessary and strange. The music and visuals are lovely, and the action is silly enough that it's just enjoyable to watch. Really, this movie is Kill Bill with less money and more traditionally styled like a kung fu or samurai-style movie.
The Fury (1978)
Pretty... pretty... pretty... good
It turns out that Brian DePalma was super into psychic movies in the 70s. Kirk Douglas does a pretty good job as an older secret agent type, and the movie does OK showing the psychic powers and whatnot. Unfortunately, I think the character arc of one of of the... male... psychics wasn't very logical or good. The whole climax depends on that character so it's too bad. The effects were also pretty sad sometimes, and that's not because of the age of the movie or budget. In conclusion, the movie is pretty much OK. Watch it if you like psychics or want a competent Ok movie that isn't too long.
Ravenous (1999)
Well, it's a movie
Well, this movie is nuts. We begin with an extremely interesting first act, being introduced to an ensemble in what seems pretty clearly to be a story of survival. I was expecting this to be like Bone Tomahawk, with Robert Carlyle luring these men to be victims of a cannibal tribe or something. Unfortunately, all these characters we became attached to pretty much all die, and one of them is chased to his death with fun, stomping banjo, accompaniment! Then the movie goes unhinged and we get vampire-style wendigo cannibal powers. I think the setup worked well, but the final act was a letdown. It's unfortunate, but it just didn't keep me entertained in the final act.
Gokseong (2016)
A slow, methodical horror
This movie kept me guessing the whole time. The plot unfolds slowly but surely, and the shamanic rituals and horror elements have great comedic beats between them to keep the movie from getting bogged down. I loved the metaphors about belief and the idea of Christianity's and Japan's influence on South Korea, and the setting is very visually and thematically interesting. I liked the direction and script as well, which told us a lot through actions and visuals rather than through dialogue. Anyway, the movie keeps you guessing and gets darker and darker as you continue. If you can stay engaged for three hours, this is most definitely worth a watch-maybe even twice.
Lady Bird (2017)
Great acting and beautiful cinematography
Watching this movie was a lot like eating a well-prepared top-cut of steak... but I've always preferred chicken.
Yeah, as far as quirky, coming-of-age comedies go, this is pretty good. It's certainly miles ahead of Boyhood in terms of a coming of age story. Yep, the direction was good. Yep, the acting was great. The writing was usually more clever than grating (unlike Juno, which went a bit too clever in some places), and only the football coach director was so cheesy that he made me cringe. Saoirse Ronan and Laurie Metcalf were extremely good, and the acting was the best thing about this movie. The actual movie, though, was a bit boring. It's luckily only 94 minutes, so it's was easy to deal with the slow pace. I guess the biggest issue is that I just didn't really feel any emotions, and the movie also didn't really make me think. Regardless, it was easy to watch for Ronan and Metcalf and the cinematography.
Turning Red (2022)
One of Disney's best movies in recent years!
The movie starts with a fourth wall breaking introduction to the main character, Mei. She is precocious, overambitious, keen, and extremely annoying. The movie even points out how annoying the character is. She is pretty much controlled by her desire to impress her mother. The characters were much more nuanced than I expected, except that the mother is overly cringe beyond reason. Doing things so incredibly embarrassing for no reason seems unrealistic and was more stupid than funny. Regardless, the movie continues with the metaphor for puberty and change pretty well. The friends have just enough quirkiness that you like the characters but they're not quite annoying (except the shortest one who's always at 10/10 on every line...). The idea of family expectations crushing a young person's ability to be their own person is also pretty deep for a kids' movie. Everything comes together extremely well in the third act, especially Mei's relationship with her mother. I honestly have no clue if children would like this movie, but it's a surprisingly deep movie that adults can enjoy if they can put up with a few bits of cloyingly annoying preteens.
Midnight in Paris (2011)
I was surprised at how easy this was to watch
I had been putting this movie off for years (obviously), as Woody Allen movies usually have a certain tone and energy that you need to have to appreciate them. Yeah, Annie Hall is good, but I don't want to watch it after work on a Thursday. Midnight in Paris, though, was so easy to watch. I love the themes, the dialogue, and acting. The romantic part is perhaps a it expected, but I don't think it really matters for what the movie was trying to do. As far as the criticism of nostalgia and rose coloured glasses, it really connected with me. I tend to enjoy older things more than newer things, and feel like the current age can fail artistically at times. But this movie has a great message that really made me rethink my views. Personally, I really love that feeling... when a movie makes me introspect! Anyway, I also found it easy to watch and just basically enjoyable. I laughed pretty hard at a couple scenes as well. I imagine this will be Woody Allen's last great film, but it's worth watching and not as artsy as you'd think,
The Shape of Water (2017)
Is she going to worship at the altar of fish?
This might be the most unique movie ever made. Guillermo del Torro had already made his masterpiece with Pan's Labyrinth, in my opinion, and it's just odd to me that this film will be better remembered for winning the best picture Oscar. It's well acted and is well shot... I enjoyed looking at the movie and all the little details del Torro included. However... the illusion of the film kept being shattered by a core premise. From here on out, when I say boink, I mean the F-word. Anyway, I kept asking, "Is she going to boink this fish?" I started thinking... is del Torro just experimenting with whether he can convince an audience to relate to a woman's decision to boink this fish? My wife and I couldn't help but laugh every time the movie tried to justify boinking this fish! "I THINK SHE IS GOING TO BOINK THAT FISH!!!!" We couldn't help but find it hilarious. I mean, she boinked a fish man! Aside from the premise that was undeniably humorous, I do love how del Torro blends dark tones with fantasy, and he certainly managed to blend the two in perfect proportions here.