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Cloverfield (2008)
1/10
1 star is generous
22 January 2008
Warning: Spoilers
I didn't like the original Blair Witch Project, and the big budget didn't make the BlairZilla Project any better.

The pre-Monster "story" just dragged on and on, and went nowhere. I was beginning to think all 74 minutes had already gone by without seeing the monster once.

Post-Monster... it was a really sad rehash of the '76 King Kong, with a little Godzilla and Aliens thrown in for good measure.

If you think about this movie for even a second, you're done with it. The tape is found in the area FORMERLY known as Central Park. So, you know exactly what's coming. What remains is, in short, a snuff film.

There's a difference between sci-fi and fantasy, and this was pure fantasy, with no redeeming qualities.

Just goes to show, as it does in the human body, something that goes viral in pop culture will probably make you feel bad.
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8/10
It's deeper than most people can handle
3 January 2008
Warning: Spoilers
Yes, yes, the homosexual elements were whitewashed. (To argue that they were summarily deleted is laughable. I first watched this movie as a kid, and I got it. I got it in spades.) The real story here is one of a father and a son. And few movies can touch Cat on a Hot Tin Roof for dealing with the raw emotions of a strained father/son relationship.

People always reduce melodrama to "soap opera," as if heightened reality is something to be mocked. Yet, ask them to read Aeschylus of Shakespeare, and they are considered geniuses... if you want reality, go outside. If you want drama, yes, there will be distortion, manipulation, and all the other classical methods of good storytelling. And Cat is not shy about using these devices. Big Daddy is dying. Being a rich man, Big Daddy also has a will, and it forces an examination of genuine affection versus pandering. Like Charles Foster Kane, Big Daddy has a collection of treasures, most of them covered in dust and many still in their original boxes. Brick AND Gooper have struggled all their lives to get out of their own boxes, to be loved instead of owned. Gooper is the conformist, Brick the rebel, but they both have the same goal. A father's love. As the conformist, Gooper experiences Big Daddy's love through inheriting the material things he so loved. But as the rebel, Brick rejects the material things in favor of the kind of inheritance Big Daddy got from HIS father.

True, the role of Maggie is in many ways a diversion from the real heart of the story. But what a pleasant diversion! And though the Hollywood version takes away much of the bite of her storyline, she serves an important role. As the Cat, she knows all about staying on as long as she can, and she uses this skill to help Brick hold on and get what she needs from Big Daddy, and give Big Daddy a little something in return.

This is not an easy, friendly movie by any means. Nor is it intended to be. But the hardest work yields the biggest rewards, and the payoff from this film is big.
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Palindromes (2004)
8/10
Not for passive audiences, who most need to see it
25 April 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Palindromes give way to irony in this interesting journey. As Aviva explains near the end, she knows that an accused child molester is not a pedophile, because a "pedophile" LOVES children.

I think Solondz does make it a little too difficult to peel away the layers of meaning. Like the story it alludes to, Huckleberry Finn, Palindromes has a tonal quality that might make it confusing for some to determine what Solondz is advocating and what he is satirizing. And because of some of the vagueness, it is easy to read in allusions that may or may not be there. For instance, a song and visual motif echoed the title sequence of Valley of the Dolls. In the original novel, I seemed to recall that Jen had a botched abortion, preventing her from having children. Maybe that's purely coincidental. But it does seem that, if Dawn is our protagonist in the Dollhouse, that Aviva is indeed trapped in the Valley of this Doll so, intentional or not, it's another layer of meaning that makes Palindromes a Rorschach Test of our world view.
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The Village (2004)
Spoilers... if you LIVE in "The Village."
8 August 2004
Warning: Spoilers
There was absolutely no mystery in this film. The setting, architecture, and clothing only worked if The Village existed in modern time. I wanted to think, naw, that's not a twist, is it? He's just pulling a Tim Burton, drawing from many time periods to create a sort of "time out of time" and make The Village a metaphor... Clearly, I was giving the man WAY too much credit.

As soon as we see Ivy with her cane, we know two things. 1) This is now confirmed as a modern piece. Think of Helen Keller in the Miracle Worker, or John Malkovich's character in Places in the Heart. It's anachronistic, especially for a society that has been afraid to contact the outside world for decades. 2) We know she will venture alone into the "modern" world and not be able to tell anyone about what she sees there... If you needed any other clues, look to the fact that Those The Writer Dared Not Think Deeply About wear red, the color that supposedly offends them. Heck, it's so offensive, they even use it on every door. Looks greatr on a poster, makes about 6 senses less than Shyamalan's first film. None, whatsovever.

Now, 6th Sense was... passable. The twist did hold up. There just wasn't anything else of value to the story. I wasn't ever scared or all that intrigued. It would have made a decent half hour Twilight Zone. Unbreakable had a good ending, but it was a painfully long process to get there. And Signs... Was it one of the worst movies I've ever seen? Signs point to Yes. I had low expectations for this film, and it didn't even meet THOSE.

What IS Joaquin's color? More important, when people try to claim this is romantic, what makes it so? How does Ivy form this romance with a boy who almost never speaks? Love at first sight? Oops, no... Isn't her love in the final analysis as shallow and juvenlie as her sister's?

Besides, she's a horrible actress. Her blindness sort of comes and goes. Much the way her sister's period speech comes and leaves for the rest of the film. The film is full of cheap cheats, like the repeated back and forth exposition of the creatures. When the voice over tells reminds us that the creatures might actually exist, there's a sign that the plot went wrong. And, Night, you're no Hitchcock, and with your extended, useless cameo, you're a Tarantino. And in my mind, that equals "got lucky once, and have stretched your 15 minutes to the breaking point."

Wretched, weak filmmaking.
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I think the reviewers saw a different movie
8 August 2004
Warning: Spoilers
First off, this is a remake, so I hardly feel the need to say SPOILERS, but there... That said, I think the real spoiler is the screenwriter. I agree and disagree with someone's earlier contention. This should not have been changed to the Kuwaiti Candidate. It should have been named the Haliburton Candidate. I felt it was a good capper to DNC week, and reminded us that no matter what we think of Dubya, if we're not careful we could end up with Cheney as VP. And THAT raises my threat level way above yellow elevated.

But, as a movie, it made no sense. Why the ENDLESS game of poker? A shameless and senseless nod to the original's solitaire? EDIT. The train scene doesn't work. And her sad use of the El Dorado number is another cheap throwback to the original. Denzel loses his chip down the sink... he unravels a global plot, but can't work a wrench and fish it out of the U-bend? I don't know a bathroom sink without one. There are stupid errors like that, and then there is Meryl Streep's character. In the original, she says she wanted a killer, and "they" gave her one in the form of her son. Considering her nature, it's more than plausible. Not so in the remake. The character is flat, and we don't ever REALLY know why she bothered.

Finally, there's the matter of the real ending. Denzel got shot in the chest, not the arm. We were supposed to think the system was outsmarted, only to realize Manchurian Global was tired of Streep's character, and the plan survives. That would at least be a bit eerie. This ending is... NOTHING! Luckily, our government has been keeping a dead man on ice for two years so that they can use him a) to replace Denzel at the scene of the crime and b) conveniently tie the plot back to MG. Phew!!!

Of course, even with a better ending, the weak plot rework and the flat characters forced me not to care. It doesn't compare to the original, nor does it have any merits of its own. Yes, there are no scenes of a young girl taking off her shirt and proclaiming "Daddy's going to be so excited about this!" There are just scenes of people getting their brain drilled that are too implausible to be real, but too realistically portrayed to be dreamt. The end result is a mess from beginning to hacked up end.
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As the World Turns (1956–2010)
Best Writing Winner, and deservedly so
21 July 2004
I am an aspiring soap writer, and I have watched most of the shows on the air as research. Somewhere along the way, I discovered As The World Turns. When I first caught glimpses of it, Carly was just home from The Spa, found in a carnival fun house after Hal was brainwashed by James Stenbeck. Emily was being kept in a trunk. Bonnie was a duchess. Molly's family was being threatened by an evil babysitter, eventually resulting in Jake's death and the near-death of Oakdale's neighbor, Bay City. It was sort of weird and awful at first, but I would tune in just to see the Oakdale hunks, especially Jack Snyder. Woof!

I can't remember when the tides really turned with this show. All I know for sure is, I discovered Ben Harris when Bonnie finally came home. Not only Grade A prime soap beef, but he and Jessica were electric on the screen. These were clearly two people who deserved much more screen time, and eventually got it. Margo, a staple character for years according to the ATWT scrapbook, got to be on the front burner for a week or two when she discovered she had hepatitis, contracted during a rape she was now being forced to relive. It would take a while, but eventually she moved back to the front burner again as well. In short, this show has an incredible pool of talented actors, and the writing team, receiving back to back Emmys for their work, have a knack for utilizing the vast talents of their cast.

It's not always perfect. The Oakdale 3 were awful. But from that terrible plot we eventually got a (somewhat) reformed Allison, who is now one of my favorite characters on the show. And, as with most shows, an emergency rewrite for a departing or pregnant actor can yield some substandard plots. Of course, I blame a lot of that on the soap fans, who can be pretty unwelcoming of temporary recasts (and that means you especially, Passions fans!) But As The World Turns is honestly the best soap on TV, and that includes the primetime dramas, and reality shows which are nothing more than soaps with real people for characters. I would love to see another attempt at Our Private World, a primetime spin-off featuring the amazing Eileen Fulton, following Lisa Hughes as she moved from Oakdale to Chicago. Imagine a revamped Another World, where Molly goes back to Bay City to fight for her daughters Bridget and Michelle. With enough shared writers, I'd watch both series faithfully. In the meantime, I will have to settle for the five hours a week of ATWT I have now and hope a few other writing teams can tune in and take a few notes.
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Digging into the mystery
13 June 2003
Warning: Spoilers
This movie has been out for two years now, so I hate to call anything said herein a "spoiler," but just the same... be warned.

I want to remind anyone foolish enough to read this that Twin Peaks was given an ending for foreign markets that bore little resemblance to the series. So drawing too many conclusions based on a reworked pilot is not productive. But, one thing no one ever seems to mention is the opening sequence of dancers (jitter-buggers???). I thought it was a clue right off the bat, and the liner notes to the DVD confirm my suspicion. Viewers will notice dancers dancing next to themselves. This isn't just a trick used by a cheap production. It's a clue. Parallel lives are colliding.

I was just re-watching Mulholland Dr., trying to see if my theory still holds up, and it does. This movie has little to do with dreams per se. This film is, in fact, a sort of "It's A Wonderful Life," done Lynch-style. "Rita" should have died in the accident. Instead, she is shown a Hollywood fantasy version of what her life could be like. In her vision of the future, she finds someone who is willing to help her, and in the process, the two uncover the blue box, signifying that "Rita" has learned her lesson and can return to fix the course of her life as Camilla.

Naomi Watts as Diane represents a woman given the same key to changing her life, but cannot find the way to use it. Just as Dan, the freaked-out guy at Winkies, repeats the same mistake from his "dream," so Diane cannot learn another path to save herself from her cycle. Think of the Cowboy's comments to Adam. "If you do what you're told, you'll see me one more time,' the cowboy says calmly. "If you don't do what you're told, you'll see me two more times." Camilla rescues herself; Diane is trapped in a sinister Groundhog Day, her parallel lives colliding like the jitter-buggers who dance into themselves in the opening sequence.

Not everyone will agree. Nor do I want them to. But what an amazing film to remain shrouded in mystery for so long. After all, when is the last time a movie made you think anything besides "There's two hours of life I'll never get back."
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Gidget (1965–1966)
Am I seeing right?
31 May 2003
Checking out the credits on IMDb, I think I must be right, but recently, I was watching Gidget, and I saw some red thing on Gidget's dresser. It looked like maybe one of the old Bradley dresser dolls, and being a collector, I wondered if maybe it was one I had. Instead, the more I watched, the more convinced I became that the doll was in fact a little tribute to another member of the Screen Gems family -- a "Bewitched" Samantha doll. If it is... how's that for product placement! Please let me know if you can confirm my suspicions.
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Indie with limited interest and limited talent
20 September 2002
If you thought this was a skewering of the American elite, you were wrong. This film says, "We may be ridiculous and shallow, but love us anyway." Yet, it gives us no reason to love them...

Igby is quite hatable, and proves throughout the movie that he has not grown as a person, and probably never will. So, like much of the indulgent adolescent film genre, an adult must come away asking... "Why was I just subjected to that?"

Like "The Good Girl," "Igby" draws a lot on Catcher in the Rye. Supposedly the greatest novel of all time, at least for the high school set, Catcher at least had the distinctions of a) being first, and b) being technically brilliant, even if the central character leaves something to be desired. But robbed of the creative edge, movies like "Igby" ring false. The dialogue is stolen from "Love Story," characters Rachel (Amanda Peet) and Sookie (Claire Danes) walk through Igby's world by the most contrived of reasons, and the word "humor" would be a gross misrepresentation of anything that happened in this film.

Add to this a horrible cast. The current Culkin is a liability as a central character. Ryan Phillippe tries a snooty "uppahcrust" accent that is both utterly false and rather inconstant. And Jeff Goldblum is doing a horrible Cary Grant throughout. The only thing to latch onto in this film is the set of parents Igby deals with. Bill Pullman could have carried this film, given half a chance. And "Oscar Winner Susan Sarandon" proves why she deserves to win another this year -- if the Academy doesn't split its vote between the three movies she has coming out. But they are thrown by the wayside in favor of weak elements, and their stellar contributions are not enough to save this hobbled film.

Maybe I am not the target audience for this film. Then again, I am hard pressed to say who in fact WAS the target audience. Despite the clumps of laughter I heard in parts of the theater, I could not begin to determine who this movie is for, except the writer.
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The Mole (I) (2001–2008)
A game with a brain
12 June 2002
Unlike the voyeur "reality" shows all around, The Mole is a show that invites viewers to participate. Assisted by Mensa, the producers of the Mole create clues for both the contestants and those who want to play along at home. Execution comes not from being "unpopular" but from failing to gether correct information on the show's hired saboteur, The Mole.

True, there are few bikinis. True, there are no couples on the Mole that go on a cruise or on dates with other people to test their feeble "romance." And, true, no one has had to eat any bugs or animal innards yet. But, if you're interested in a show where you actually CARE who wins the money for once, try the Mole.
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Roots (1977)
Another David L. Wolper Must-See
24 January 2002
I was a child of the ABC Novels For Television, but I've missed this one, the granddaddy of them all, until now. I have the second half to go, but considering I cried like a girl watching last night, I suppose I can give this nothing less than a perfect 10... It's a true shame that no one is even attempting to tell stories like this on television anymore. In this age of Eminems preaching hate to everyone who isn't a straight white male, stories like Roots remind us that we may have come a long way, but we can never rest in the fight for equality. If we forget humanities atrocities, we slide back into them... I dare anyone to watch Roots and not come away changed for the better.
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