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Reviews
Steven Seagal: Lawman (2009)
Finally - A Watchable Segal
Lawman could very well be Segal's way back into a big movie instead of the straight to DVD drivel that he's been dumping out since early 2000.
Steven is believable as a cop even if I don't buy the claim that he's been working the Jefferson Parish sheriff's office for 3 months out of the year since 1989 (why do so many of the citizens that wind up on camera act so surprised to see Segal if he's been doing that for 20 years?). He mentors younger officers in self-defense and is a solid marksman. The entire 1/2 hour leaves you smiling if you are a Segal fan. It will leave you entertained if you enjoy any of the Cop/Prison shows that are out there today.
Big Fan (2009)
First time, long time. Thanks for taking my call.
First time, long time. Thanks for taking my call. If you've ever uttered either sentence, Wrestler screenwriter Robert Siegel's directorial debut with the gritty Big Fan is for you. Hell, it may be about you. Actually Fan is for any sports fanatic and, maybe even more so, for the people that live with them. It has a Law and Order, Sopranos (pay attention during the ride to the Giant's game), New York / New Jersey feel to it. And it was done for under one million dollars.
It's a rap battle, e.g., 8 mile, except it's rehearsed and delivered by a tortured geek from his bedroom where his mom interrupts his speeches by yelling at him to quiet down.
The beating that ensues will remind viewers of the Hitchcock Psycho shower scene.
"Here we go again. It's the latest installment of the all too long running show called Athletes Behaving Badly. And this week's episode was filmed right here in our own back yard." Paul from Staten Island putting on game day facepaint leads to as tense a 7 minutes as one has seen in theaters since Gran Torino.
Siegel was nominated for a Grand Jury Prize at Sundance this year. If Patton Oswalt isn't very careful
he could be looking at an Oscar nomination.
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (2006)
Second only to Airplane! for laughs per minute
A Clockwork Orange's Rape scene. Deliverance's sodomy. Borat's Hotel Scene.
This movie is a close second to Airplane! for unreal laughs per minute. Sacha Baron Cohen is a comedic genius. Like Airplane! and Groundhound Day, Borat is as close to perfection in a movie as one gets. There is no 'I wish they would have done XYZ here."
Classic.
The entire audience that I saw this with was hysterical. The 'Hotel Scene' (which necessitates a credit at the end for 'Naked Fight Coordinator') is absolutely astonishing.
The Departed (2006)
Instant Classic
2 hours and 20 minutes feels like 20. I did not get up once. It is an instant classic not to be missed.
Jack is back at his most evil best. Think Joker and Johnny combined. Instead of 'There's a bat in my belfry', you've got 'There's a rat in my crew.' Vile, evil, obnoxious and sexually excited by violence - who could ask for more in a godfather? Better than Good Fellas w/some Reservoir Dogs to end it.
Leonardo, Damon and Marky Mark we're all on their games. I was even able to stomach Martin Sheen. Throw in Baldwin looking like a bigger version of Blake (Glengarry Glen Ross) (1992) and you've got a superstar cast.
Not to be missed. One of my favorites...ever.
Freaks and Geeks (1999)
None of the 18 episodes disappoints
I find myself shaking my head as I re-watch the 18 episodes from Freak's first and only season on DVD. Shaking it disapprovingly that another episode cannot be produced. This is a classic telling of high school life that transcends dates. It is set in the William KcKinley High School during the 1980s but it could be in any high school at any date.
The cast is dead on perfect. The writing is dead on perfect. Of course, when something is this good, it gets canceled. See "Vengeance Unlimited" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0158421/ or "The Family Guy" http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0182576/ (luckily the family guy is all about voice and WAS brought back with no apparent aging to the characters...).
Freeks is much better than 'The Wonder Years' as the trueness shines through better. The DVD set is to be savored like a fine wine - a bottle of which there will never be another. Clarity is something that I savor and Geeks is as clear as it gets when it comes to high school. I highly recommend you visit http://committed.to/bestdeals and order the DVD. You will love it.
Be Cool (2005)
Not even Lukewarm
Be Cool has such a great cast that one sits through the entire film hoping it will get better. It doesn't. It is a terrible movie. Downright awful. There is not one laugh out loud scene. Two smiles were all that I was able to muster throughout the painfully long 2 hours.
The trailers look great. The Rock, Uma, John, Harvey, Vince. It HAS to be good. But it ain't. Harvey looks old and tired. Vince is horrific as a white pimp. Uma and John don't have the spark of Pulp Fiction. The Rock is the best of the lot and even the writers couldn't capitalize on that.
Run, don't walk, from Be Cool.
The Amityville Horror (2005)
Horrorfying, absolutely Horrorfying...and I don't mean the movie....
This flick is an absolute rip off. There should be a class action suit against MGM & Andrew Douglas for false advertising. It takes the 'premise' of the first movie - a murder in a home leaves it haunted - and then changes everything. Jody the pig? Nah, here its Jody the murder victim. Instead of shadows and red eyes from a distance we have full fledged sightings of the little girl. It is so badly done its pathetic - a first year film student would not go so heavy handed.
The rest of the film is just as bad - there is no imagination, no thrills, not an original thought in the hour & a half. One just sits there shaking their heads over and over due to the changes that have been made.
Do not go see this film. It is an absolute disgrace.
Man on Fire (2004)
Sad, funny, violent - almost the perfect flick.
Man on Fire is a 2+ hour joyride. It starts fast and never stops. Denzel does things you wouldn't expect from a true Hollywood 'star' - and that's what makes this film great. I couldn't help thinking that this should have been Steven Segal's movie if he hadn't let himself move into the direct to video market. Violent, kick ass, 3 word title......
If Denzel makes the movie great, Dakota Fanning makes it special. Wow. A 9 year old leading Washington around in a scene. So good its scary. I hope to see more from her in the near future.
Of course, mix with Christopher Walken and you've got a near perfect movie. Happy to have this as part of my DVD collection.
The Adventures of Ford Fairlane (1990)
Excellent flick - way ahead of its time!
FF reminds me much of Howard Stern's flick - you had those that bash it without ever seeing it! Just like Howard's bio - FF is excellent. Its like reading an adult joke book - just that it's up on the big screen.
Clay's acting is better than Stern's. He really knew what he was doing and has great screen presence. This movie SCREAMS for a sequel.
Buy it. I just got my copy at HTTP://committed.to/bestdeals You can't always find it in stores but Blockbuster does have it from time to time.
It is a film that is easy to watch. No thinking required. Chill on the couch with some buds and get goofy.
Enjoy!
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Starts off great...
but gets a bit sluggish towards the end. I have this issue with many movies - too long. Shuan starts off great. Funny stuff, good special effects - nice plot. The firs 3/4th of this film is excellent. I laughed out loud several times.
But when they are baracaded in the Tavern - it is legitimately about 15-20 minutes TOO MUCH. The laughter slows to a trickle.
The ending is good. So you have a great flick and a good ending sandwiching 15 minutes of blandness. Not bad for a film these days though. I give Shaun a 6. I also hope there is a sequel where they take my advice...
Out for a Kill (2003)
Out for a Dud
The first 20 minutes of this flick are 4 star. Excellent visuals, prison looks good. But then, oh my. What a predictable flick (if predictable is possible in a film that makes no sense). Steven is back, bloated and boring. There are several parts when you can't make out what he is saying!
Movie follows Dr. Segal as a college professor duped into some smuggling operation. An Asian underworld sends 10 men to kill him. Each more ridiculous than the last. It simply makes no sense.
What starts out fine really gets odd. Beautiful footage of a single engine cesna gives way to a 'fake' moon and clouds moving 100 miles per hour. Shots of NYC's Chinatown at 10am are obviously indoors on a set.
The acting is terrible. From the Asian mob as a whole to Corey Johnson as a DEA agent (how does this guy get any work?). The pits.
The sad thing is that the fighting in some parts is decent. But they felt the need to also shoot some fantasy scenes. If you know Saturday Kung-Fu (the flying and walking on walls crap that was popular pre-Bruce Lee) then you know what I mean. Horrific.
Steven, get back in shape. Get back to basics. Aikido, no slow or fast motion filming, play a cop in the states and kick butt. Watch Hard to Kill and train a bit like that......dopes like me keep watching. And hoping.
Cabin Fever (2002)
Cabin Fever - Don't Catch It.
CF got me. I read the decent reviews and thought - OK, they finally have made another decent horror flick. Boy was I wrong.
Low budget flicks sometimes get you sidetracked because you pay attention to how cheezy everything looks. That is not the case here as the blood and guts look pretty good. What sidetracks you is how bad the acting is. I mean God Awful. I also spent some time wondering if Joey Kern is really that odd looking or if he was made up to look like a really bad looking Owen Wilson and whether James DeBello is the 6th Baldwin - the Baldwin who can't act and is a bit overweight. Not, not Daniel.
The idea was ok - flesh eating virus attacks everyone. But the rationale behind how it started (a hunter returns to his obviously dead and bleeding dog and somehow doesn't realize the dog is dead) is poorly explained and the plot development is worse than any of the middle Freddy or Jasons. (So, if your best friends were deathly ill, would you lock them up outside, especially while a manic dog is on the loose?)
I am going to bet that the dropoff after its opening week will be titanic. Word of mouth amongst those of us non pro critics has been terrible. The only redeeming feature of this whole 1 and a half hours is the N-word joke that occurs at the very end. Funny stuff.
If you want to see a scary movie that features a cabin - rent The Ring. Don't go see this horrible movie - if you do, they'll make part Deux.
Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
The best we've seen in Years
OK, the first 2 Freddies, Jasons, and Michaels were classics. Scary and thoughtful - had you thinking all night! The following 40 were low budget garbage put together to make a quick buck (Friday 3d was cool in the movies though).
Freddy v. Jason knows exactly what it is. It's a caricature of itself. A parody. But the bucks are there - the film and the sound are A level. Its not a scary flick - its funny. Freddy throws one liners throughout, most lobbed at Mr. Vorhees. Don't expect seat gripping and you won't be disappointed. Go and laugh. Basically its those 40 flicks all rolled into one finale. But in this genre you know not to expect a real finale...
There are a few wrinkles that they could have done without. A rape of a drunk coed is thankfully interrupted by Jason (funny how a homicide can be a thankful interruption!) and Senior Krueger lobs the b-word around a bit too much.
The memories of Jason's and Freddy's beginnings are neat to see. Freddy before the burns and Jason before he was a p***ed off goalie. The ending fight scene is excellent. If only Jason had squatted once or twice as gas tanks flew at him I would have been comparing it more closely to the Matrix. Yeah, the involvement of the two teens (I like how none of the teens ever has any zits) was not needed but hey - the fight is still better than anything Jackie Chan has ever put out. Ever. The homage to The Legend of Sleepy Hollow is cute too.
I was really disappointed with Jason takes Manhattan. 10 minutes of NYC that was really filmed in Vancouver were not what I was looking forward to. That doesn't happen here. I got what I expected. Yeah that is a bit of a downer in itself - but its not tragic. Sure, I would have loved better dialogue, acting, and maybe a twist here and there - but the premise of Jason on Elm Street is cool.
Go see it. If not - wait for the DVD and crank up the widescreen and the surround sound. I give it a 6.
Next winter: Michael Myers and Freddy tag team Jason. Coming soon.
The Sweetest Thing (2002)
An Unsuspected Gem!
The Sweetest Thing was something I would not have rented - it looked more like a 'chick flick' than a true comedy. Luckily it was on HBO one night when nothing else was on and I tuned in.
So glad I did! It is absolutely hilarious. Sort of a more adult version of Charlie's Angels. Loud. In your face. Colorful. Sorta like an old Vaudeville show. Spicey and racey - the 3 girls are excellent dead panning while dropping sexual innuendo and cursing like truckers.
I am having a tough time comparing it because it is like a bunch of films rolled into one. The one major difference is that the major players are women. Think Animal House, Road Trip, American Pie, Swingers, History of the World Part I, Something about Mary, AND even Monty Python! The penis song is a classic. And the fact that its done full scale muscial like (think Grease) yet the topic is about the size of a man's member - you've never seen anything like this before!
You'll be telling your buds about the Dry Cleaner scene. Think classic 'young male purchasing condoms in family pharmacy mayhem' and maybe you'll have an idea what's to come - but they pushed the envelope to the edge. (There are 2 versions, make sure you get the unrated one).
Daring Cameron Diaz has really set herself apart from the rest of hollywood's boring actresses.
Be ready for a goofy, raucous, and fun film - and you won't be disappointed.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
Absolutely dreadful 'Back to School'
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was special because of the Magic. Seeing Hogsworth for the first time, Harry getting out from the despair that was his Muggle life, the young wizard saving the school from Lord Voldemort.
The Chamber of Secrets contains no secrets and the magic is dead. You simply revisit Harry and his crew - you see Hogsworth for the second time, Harry is rescued from the despair that is his Muggle life and a tad older wizard saves the school from Lord Voldemort. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is coming soon - I felt like I was sentenced early with 'Chamber'.
This film is a painful 2.4 hours long. Its the exact same film - the 3 are in trouble over and over again. The 3 know things that they refuse to share with the school's staff. The school's staff blames these 3 heralded students for continuous misdeeds and continuously clears them of the misdeeds as they again prove to be heros. A scene from the book's opening is nowhere to be found - making the end wrapup somewhat hokey as well.
You know about 40 minutes in that this movie is the exact same film that you saw last year with a different title. I spent the next 2 hours fidgeting and checking my watch. I wouldn't recommend adding this to your DVD collection when it is available. I, for one, would rather head back to my own school in September than watch this movie ever again. If you want to see a great back to school flick, skip this and rent....'Back to School'.
_GNXFAN
Half Past Dead (2002)
It will make you long for the days of Above the Law, etc.
I am a big Steven Segal fan. So, of course, I was at opening day for 'Half Past Dead'. If this film is any indication of what is to come for Sensei Segal, he's all the way dead.
This was the worst Segal film yet and there have been some bad ones. As a point of reference, JaRule has a longer fight scene than Steven has. Segal only has two real fight scenes, both are quick and the second is so dark you can barely make out what is going on anyway. The first so ludicrous it really marks the end of any hope the film will be decent. Segal gets into it with a federal prison guard upon arrival at the Alcatraz Prison - and receives no punishment or retribution for doing so.
It was at this point that I was mentally reminiscing about the old Segal flicks. The kick your a.. films when he had no budget and the film relied on his menacing and street lethal Aikido skills (Above the Law, Hard to Kill, Marked for Death). It also got me thinking of the first two movies where he did have a budget but still didn't know how to make a big blow 'em up Hollywood stock movie - Out for Justice and Under Siege I. They are classics that I watch anytime they happen to be on TV. You could suspend rational thought about a man in a coma for 7 years or a detective running around the city of New York chasing one big fat guy because the movies were fun. I spent 50% of Half Past thinking about old Segal movies and 45% thinking how ridiculous the plot was. Not a good amount of time, roughly 95%, spent not absorbed in the flick.
You cannot watch this film and suspend belief. It doesn't even give you the satisfaction of a nice night out. It is a horrible film. Segal's worst and one of the worst I have ever seen. Save your money and get the Path Beyond Thought, where you can see Steven at his absolute best. My fingers are still crossed for Foreigner, The (2003)and Out for a Kill (2003)
_BOB
Matilda (1996)
Excellent family fun that's great for adults too
Don't wanna scare you with the 'family fun' tag. It simply means that this film is clean - rated G. I showed this film as a substitute teacher - I literally saw it 20+ times. It is a wonderful modern day fairy tale - one of my favorites. I give it a 10. Devito, Perlman, and Pam Ferris are great as cartoonish over the top caricatures. Mara Wilson is wonderful as the title character - she really carries the movie - amazing for a young actress (you may remember her from Mrs. Doubtfire) and it is Embeth Davidtz' performance that allows that. Davidtz defers to Mara in a film that should be on everyone's shelf!
Wo hu cang long (2000)
Like a beautiful widow
Like a beautiful widow with lots to look at - but very little substance. My biggest fear was the subtitles - could i concentrate on the film. 15 minutes in its like you know a 2nd language - they are no problem. Problem here is the movie. Long, drawn out scenes that have no real reason to be except to show (pick you choice) the desert, the mountains, a lake, etc etc etc.
Like a remake of any of the cheesy old films - especially if you choose to watch it in English!
A Beautiful Mind (2001)
A beautiful Farce
This really is a great movie. I came out of the theater with chills. IF it were fiction - it'd be a 9 of 10.
But it is not fiction. Its a biography. A & E's Biography is 100% better at portraying the truth than Ron Howard is. Read Nasar's book. It is a tough read (she's an economist) but the details are all there. After reading the book I thought back to the movie and wondered how the heck Howard missed so much in such a long movie.
I live in Princeton and have often seen John Jr. walking from the University. I was rooting for the Oscar here until I read the book. Based on the huge discrepancies, I hope Ron loses.
Skip the film and read the truth.
The Road to Wellville (1994)
A great parody of the health nuts.
When I saw this movie years ago in the theater, I hated it. I just watched it again (2002) and loved it. It has several laugh out loud jokes and is a running smirk movie. If you've ever had any experience with alternative meds - you'll love it to. It is so self effacing it is wonderful. Don't expect The Godfather cinema type and you won't be disappointed. It is wonderful to see Hopkins & Broderick playing it straight.
Kudos.
Ali (2001)
Ali - not a knockout
As long as it was - 2 and a half hours, it still missed tons. If you know boxing - it really sucks. It leaves out much. Never explains to viewers what the rope a dope was: against the ropes and covering up for much of the fight, Ali patiently waited while Foreman ineffectually hammered away at him. And no one mentions later that this unreal ability to take punches may have caused his later Parkinsons to speed up. Also - no mention of the phantom punch! Unbelievable.
B*A*P*S (1997)
Very cute - not bad for a rental.
Just watched this on USA. Not bad. It was very lighthearted, and to see Halle with a gold tooth was a trip.
Not pretentious at all - accomplished what they wanted to - Makes you smile.
Not Another Teen Movie (2001)
Probably the first well done ADULT parody
This movie is rude, crude, vile. In other words - I loved it.
It is not a '10', as Airplane is. Airplane was above the crudeness. They took the attitude of here are the jokes - if you don't get them, screw you. NOT is in your face. Right at the beginning one of the characters says, "I heard there is an old undercover cop posing as a student" Enough for Airplane. Here, in bright yellow behind him is a memo that says, "Attention, there is an old undercover cop posing as a student". So its been dumbed down for today's audience.
The jokes are constant. There is no pause. Several cameos make for several 'Oh Wows!'. There are references to older movies too - see if you can catch the line from Ferris Beuler's Day Off.
This is a well down adult movie. I'm glad I saw it on Opening Night.
Meet the Feebles (1989)
Thoroughly disappointed.
Based on the reviews and my listening to 'sodomy' this was MY kind of movie. No area rental joint had it, so I bought it on Amazon.
It was terrible. The sound was bad - reminds you of trying to understand everything in Snatch, but they weren't in England!
This is the kind of movie that is a brilliant brilliant brilliant idea - done terribly wrong. Not overly gross to top it off. The funniest part still is my mp3 of 'sodomy'!
Save your cash - rent Airplane or Pandemonium (1982) instead.