Fail.
What do you get when you mix Plan 9 with Daniel the Wizard? While it would have more holes than Titanic: The Legend Goes On, it would still beat Jimmy Valiant. Seriously, I don't know where to begin this review! I'm sitting here with an extremely bad taste in my mouth, but instead of mouthwash, they give me brainwash. I am usually kind to indie films, but this "movie" was literally so bad I wish I could give it *no* stars. Did they even try to make a good film? What were they thinking? The effects reminded me of Limburger soaked in Velveeta – cheesy and smelly. The audio was so poorly mixed I wouldn't be surprised if Thomas Edison himself recorded it using a phonograph in an old closet. And ohhhhhhhh! The story. Or lack thereof. A class of kindergärtners with crayons could have made a better screenplay. The actors? Said kindergärtners would put them to shame. Seriously.
I guess this film would have been alright if the filmmakers *actually tried to make a movie.*. A cheap, corny James Bond rip-off? Sure. If only they had aimed for mediocrity I would have been OK. But no, they missed mediocrity, they even missed bad and instead hit fail dead center. Horrendous lack of quality aside, the story had so many racist and anarchist themes that it rendered the movie unwatchable. Adolph Hitler would be a better role model for racial equality. They are so totally clueless to government that for all we know Congress is comprised of evil shape-shifting moon bears from the constellation Draco who are destroying America with chainsaw arms! Again, *fail.* Jimmy, the hero we are supposed to admire, has a suit whiter than Mitt Romney in a snowstorm and a personality as shallow as an empty coke can. The verdict? I would rather watch my grandmother eat my dog, rather watch butterflies go extinct, rather watch the world run out of Dr Pepper than watch Jimmy Valiant. Trust me, if you have any desire to watch this movie at all, *Do Not!* Go get therapy and counseling, maybe take up knitting, but stay far, far away from this no-good piece of crap.
What do you get when you mix Plan 9 with Daniel the Wizard? While it would have more holes than Titanic: The Legend Goes On, it would still beat Jimmy Valiant. Seriously, I don't know where to begin this review! I'm sitting here with an extremely bad taste in my mouth, but instead of mouthwash, they give me brainwash. I am usually kind to indie films, but this "movie" was literally so bad I wish I could give it *no* stars. Did they even try to make a good film? What were they thinking? The effects reminded me of Limburger soaked in Velveeta – cheesy and smelly. The audio was so poorly mixed I wouldn't be surprised if Thomas Edison himself recorded it using a phonograph in an old closet. And ohhhhhhhh! The story. Or lack thereof. A class of kindergärtners with crayons could have made a better screenplay. The actors? Said kindergärtners would put them to shame. Seriously.
I guess this film would have been alright if the filmmakers *actually tried to make a movie.*. A cheap, corny James Bond rip-off? Sure. If only they had aimed for mediocrity I would have been OK. But no, they missed mediocrity, they even missed bad and instead hit fail dead center. Horrendous lack of quality aside, the story had so many racist and anarchist themes that it rendered the movie unwatchable. Adolph Hitler would be a better role model for racial equality. They are so totally clueless to government that for all we know Congress is comprised of evil shape-shifting moon bears from the constellation Draco who are destroying America with chainsaw arms! Again, *fail.* Jimmy, the hero we are supposed to admire, has a suit whiter than Mitt Romney in a snowstorm and a personality as shallow as an empty coke can. The verdict? I would rather watch my grandmother eat my dog, rather watch butterflies go extinct, rather watch the world run out of Dr Pepper than watch Jimmy Valiant. Trust me, if you have any desire to watch this movie at all, *Do Not!* Go get therapy and counseling, maybe take up knitting, but stay far, far away from this no-good piece of crap.