User Reviews

Anthony Quinn had his last role as an aging mob figure trying to make amends with the daughter that never knew him in this direct to video release. The film stars Sylvester Stallone as Quinn's right hand man, who must deliver a message to Quinn's daughter and protect her before it's too late. Quinn's daughter is played by the sexy Madeleine Stowe. Along the way, there's comedy and romance between Stallone and Stowe and comedy between them and the killers trying to get them. Stallone continues a mediocre trend of appearances since his good performance in Cop Land with the exception of Get Carter. Stowe has been seen infrequently in recent years and may be falling victim to Hollywood's failure to produce good parts for women over 40. Quinn adds good support in his brief appearance as a crime figure. The two main problems with the film are that the chemistry between Stallone and Stowe is shaky at times, and the plot is fairly predictable and routine in its execution. Stallone and Stowe do make it watchable though. ** of 4 stars.

Hey you, the person reading this review! May I ask you a question? Why haven't you written your own screenplay? I ask because there's no way you couldn't write something better than Avenging Angelo. If you never graduated from middle school, you could write a better movie than this. If you've never read anything more complex than a random issue of Highlights magazine, you could write something better than this. If your hands and your feet were cut off and you had to type out the script with your nose, you could still come up with something better than this putrid and cringeworthy piece of misbegotten guck.

I'm now going to describe to you the plot of Avenging Angelo but no matter how hard I try, I will fail to fully convey to you just how terribly written it is. I'd have better luck describing the Sistine Chapel to a blind man or sex to a 92 year old virgin. Anyway, here goes… Angelo Allieghieri (Anthony Quinn) is a very old mobster. He's one of those kindly, gentlemanly mobsters who only exist in fiction. He's also one of those fictional mobsters who has vast sums of wealth without ever really doing anything. In fact, Angelo seems to have only one employee. That's his bodyguard, Frankie Delano (Sylvester Stallone). Now, here's where the story starts getting stupid and yes, the idiocy in this film does begin even before the open credits are finished. In fact, this is the only movie I've ever seen where you can literally tell that it's not worth watching as the opening credits roll. It seems Angelo gave up his daughter for adoption many years ago. He gave her to a nearby family, gave them enough money to make themselves rich and had Frankie watch out for her during her entire life, without the daughter ever knowing anything about it. Then one day, Angelo and Frankie go out to a restaurant to eat and Frankie leaves Angelo alone to go outside and talk a meter maid out of giving him a ticket. While Frankie does that, a mob hit-man named Bruno (Billy Gardell) walks up to Angelo and shoots him. Yeah, that's right. The bodyguard lets his mobster boss get killed while he's trying to sweet talk his way out of a parking ticket.

After his utter and complete failure, Frankie goes to visit Angelo's long lost daughter. Her name is Jennifer Barrett (Madeline Stowe) and she's just shipped her 7 year old son off to military school and chased her husband out of the house at gunpoint after catching him having sex with one of her friends. Frankie shows the overwrought and heavily drugged (I'm not even going to get into that) Jennifer a video recording of Angelo, explaining her true heritage. Frankie sets himself up as Jennifer's bodyguard. Why does she need a bodyguard? Because mob hit men are now trying to kill her (again, I'm not even going to get into it). While their dealing with that , we're supposed to see that Frankie's been in love with Jennifer since she was a young girl and she's falling for him, until another character who makes absolutely no sense at all comes between them and I think you can figure out what happens after that. Oh, and did I mention this is supposed to be a light-hearted comedy? When you watch Avenging Angelo, you'll feel sorry for the actors. Sure, they got paid but there's not enough money in the world to adequately compensate them for being associated with this embarrassment. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them suffer from Post Traumatic Street Disorder from their time on this film. You'll especially feel sad for Anthony Quinn and Madeline Stowe. This was Quinn's final film before he died and it is a tragedy for this garbage to be the capstone to his career. Stowe, for her part, tries so hard to carry this movie on her back. Her neurotic housewife turned mafia princess is the source of most of the story's humor and Stowe is not much of a comedienne at all. She tries to make Jennifer quirky and endearing and all she does is make her annoying.

You can't feel sorry for Stallone, however. He's made so many awful films, what's one more on his hellscape of a resume? He also got to work with Anthony Quinn and he got paid something to do virtually nothing in this movie. Frankie is the stoic, taciturn straight man in this supposed comedy. He's Abbot to Jennifer's Costello, George Burns to her Gracie, Ricky to her Lucy. While Stowe does almost everything she can to get a laugh except play a kazoo with her butt, Stallone mostly stands around with this moon-faced expression.

The most fun you can have watching Avenging Angelo is to totally disregard it as a movie and instead look at it as a low-budget cinema version of "Where's Waldo?" This was a cheaply made film and the cheapness shows up repeatedly on screen. You can make a little game out of how many instances you can spot something in the story that's only there because the producers couldn't afford to not have it there.

This movie sucks. Rent it at your own risk.

When reviewing "Avenging Angelo", there really are only about two avenues down which a reviewer can proceed. The first choice is to say that it is a terrible film, devoid of any semblance of plot or point, and filled with stupid little puns and jokes that really aren't all that funny. If you would take this approach, you would probably be backed by most of the American population, as this film never actually made it to cinemas and ended up a "straight-to-DVD" production.

Yet, for viewers of "Angelo" familiar with Sylvester Stallone's "unique" brand of humor, this will be one of the most entertaining (if not all that important) films you ever watch. As a fan of Stallone, I have sat viewed the good (Rocky, Rambo), the bad (Demolition Man, The Specialist), and the ugly (Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!, Shade), and this film fits none of those categories as it is so unique.

The basic plot centers on Stallone's character, Frankie, trying to avenge the death of his "beloved mob boss" Angelo (played by Anthony Quinn in his final role ever before his death). To do so, Frankie vows to protect Angelo's daughter Jennifer (Madeleine Stowe) from the mob scene, but (in predictable fashion) begins to fall in love with her, and (slowly) she with him.

Unfortunately, besides some decent chemistry between Stallone and Stowe, the plot completely fails on pretty much all accounts (it isn't compelling, it doesn't lead anywhere, etc.), thus the likely reason it never went to theaters. In fact, the crucial opening scenes between Frankie and Angelo need subtitles in order to understand, as Quinn's voice is so raspy. Basically, the plot is a complete and utter failure.

Why the four-star rating then? If you have ever seen Sly Stallone on TV appearances (Letterman, Leno, etc.), you know that his "brand" of humor is far different than most actors. Sly will tell a stupid joke ("pooping machine with hooves") or make a ridiculous statement ("snip ropes"), get absolutely no response, yet continue on as if he were Robin Williams or Jim Carrey, providing the REAL humor of the situation. That EXACT same type of humor is played up to its fullest in this movie, and is a complete hoot! Whether it be stuffing a burglar into a wheelbarrow, "farting squirrels" in the walls, or Sly telling Jennifer's boyfriend to "reconsider" before fighting him, you (if a fan of Stallone) will be one the floor laughing.

So if you have 90 minutes to spare, are a fan of Sylvester Stallone, and would like to lighten your mood a bit, this film will be perfect for you. There's no plot to worry about, no high-action to dazzle you, just a good old fashion "bad" movie that is hilarious for that exact reason.