User Reviews

Malone (Stephen P. Sides) is a detective in Hot Springs, Arkansas and drinks at the White Water Tavern and Restaurant. His arch enemy is drug dealer Johnny Costello (Len Schlientz) in what is a formula and cliché filled film. In fact the two of them have a cliché filled tough guy talk down, that was "so bad it was good." I had to laugh at one of the most serious scenes in the film. Malone doesn't obey the rules and gets run out of DC like Eddie Murphy in "Beverly Hills Cop".

Available on a 50 film multi-pack.

Guide: F-word. Brief sex and no light nudity (Tiffany Dossey)

Top Cop is a mega cheapo production for the lowest common denominator, but it still manages to draw you in, despite itself. It's many and varied clichés cannot be encompassed in a mere few paragraphs... It must be time for another of my infamous lists!! Brace yourselves...

1. The main guy Malone is a 'maverick', a 'loose cannon', a 'rogue officer'... in other words, he doesn't do things by the book. This, of course, means he performs his job better than anyone else on the force. He also looks a bit like Chuck Norris... with a beer belly.

2. Over the course of the film he will be chewed out by TWO (count 'em) black police lieutenants who will warn him about his conduct, and threaten to take away his badge. This is about the 50th film I've seen with a minority in that esteemed position... are they trying to overcompensate for the racism that runs rampant throughout the rest of the organisation? 3. Malone has a younger, wisecracking partner. The two of them are best friends, bosom buddies for life... which means, of course, he must die. This gives Malone the excuse to REALLY go off the rails, and turn vigilante on the drug lord's ass.

4. Oh yea... about him. He travels everywhere with a cartel of hired goons, a pretty escort and a flamboyantly gay servant. He also has the local officials in his pocket, as well as an army of lawyers ready to bail him out at a moment's notice. His weak spot is an idiotic younger brother, who wears colourful shirts and exists to unravel your carefully constructed plans. Ya still luv him though... cos he's FAMILY.

5. After his partner bites the big one, Malone is forced to team up with another guy more-or-less straightaway. So much for the grieving process, huh? This dude looks like a bespectacled nerd... cue lots of 'accountant' ribbing from Malone. But in an amazing turn of events, Mr Geek finished top of his class at marksmanship... and later saves his new buddy's life. And after that astounding feat... WE NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN. The writers must have forgotten about him between toilet breaks. Shame.

6. Malone MEETS THE GIRL OF HIS DREAMS so we have a cheesy montage of them going around town, checking out the sights, smooching... which ends in a soft-lit sex scene where apparently all he knows how to do is rub breasts. All this takes place in one day. Boy, he must be in a hurry.

7. Malone has an informant who is in the know about where all the heroin shipments are going to be dropped off, where all the baddies are hiding, how long a piece of string is... how convenient. Forget about trying to knock off Malone, Mr Drug Lord sir... just ice the stool pigeon, and all your problems will be over.

8. Listen to the brilliantly arranged soundtrack, of many BEEPS and BOOPS. It's better than the Royal Harmonic Society, and now we know where Jerry got his inspiration for the theme tune to Seinfeld. Well done, all round.

9.The final showdown's location is a SCRAPYARD. And if that wasn't unique enough, how's about Mr Drug Lord spreading his men out far and wide (rather than sticking together) so they can be killed easily by Malone, who has seemingly acquired the ability to teleport anywhere he likes without being spotted? Special mention to the scene where the DL shoots the boot of a car, thinking Malone is in there... but discovers someone closer to him instead. Quite the funniest nervous breakdown I've seen since I told my headmaster I was staying for another year.

As I said, completely derivative in all aspects, but not in an offensive way. The experience was akin to David Attenborough observing a primitive lifeform which behaved somewhat differently to it's peers. Anyway, time to take my binoculars and go. See ya! 4/10

Who does a Top Cop battle? Well, after he loses his partner, he goes up against a drug kingpin and his goons. There's too much corruption. There's too much strife. And way too many trans fat oils if this is what a top cop looked like in 1990.

Vic Malone, the top cop of the title, blows up eateries and saves women and pretty much gives his life for our entertainment, if home movies can be considered at such a high level. As the star, stunt coordinator, associate producer and special effects for this movie, Stephen P. Sides took on many roles. He did all of them probably as well as he could. Ah, Crown International, what magical BS you weave before my eyeballs giving these movies money and then somehow, decades later, they end up in my living room.

The director, Mark L. Maness, has the nickname of Chunky. He's the kind of affable dude who wears a t-shirt under a blazer and is given to quotes like, "Dreams are the fabric from which we can weave our reality."

If by fabric, you mean Cottonnelle, then yes, fabric.

Somehow, Leonard Maltin said that this was the best erotic thriller of 1990. So, if this movie teaches you anything, it's that even Leonard Maltin can be swayed by blow, both in the occupation and the noun forms of the word.

Malone is a cop who likes to shoot first and ask questions later. If you're a bad guy he will make sure that you won't be standing at the end of the day. Sent to Washington DC to testify before a Grand Jury, he begins by shooting two men in the airport bathroom and goes on from there. As the body count increases Malone and his partner run straight into a battle with an equally crazy crime boss. Violent, mean and barely above Neanderthal level action film grabs and hold your attention thanks to the constant action, evil twists and the occasional odd non sequitur (after an opening shoot out the film as an on screen title that says "Hot Springs Arkansas Present Day" for no reason I can think of). This is as gritty an action film as they come and the sort of film that the primal part of you will enjoy, while the more rational part of you will want to take a shower not long into it. It's a movie to kick back with a few beverages of choice, some cheesy nachos and some friends and not think for 90 minutes.

"Top Cop" isn't completely without merit. But the limited budget and lack of big name talent are obvious within the first 60 seconds after the title sequence, and the viewer knows pretty quickly that he will have to get his fun where he can if he is going to get through the movie in a good mood. Note that I say "he" because I can't imagine any woman choosing to sit through "Top Cop" of her own free will.

Stephen P. Sides plays "Victor Malone", a free wheeling cop who does what it takes to get the job etc., etc. Sides is a big ol' bear of a guy who actually looks reasonably good on camera sometimes (think of a bigger, fitter version of Joe Don Baker's Buford Pusser), and sometimes he gets off a good line delivery or a good close up...at least often enough that I didn't hate watching him or anything. The credits say he also did the fight choreography, and most of the punchups were convincingly enthusiastic and energetic. But he's obviously "local talent" (perhaps the best they could get in Arkansas) and he can't carry a film.

There's all kinds of shortcuts and substitutions here that keep the film small time. For instance: the black actor who plays Malone's police captain is 15 years too young looking for the part. Also,you can see the actor winding up to deliver his character's big lines and using the most clichéd mannerisms from every police movie ever. (The director should have pushed him a little to help him give a "real" performance instead of an attitude.)

Another giveaway: the sound track is one guy on a synthesizer, and variety and texture is not his strong suit. Here, I'll reproduce the background music during the final tense showdown with the chief drug lord at the end of the movie: (think of a circus calliope player performing a dirge with two fingers:)

"Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot (pause) deedle-ooo. (in a slightly lower key:)"Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot (pause) deedle-oo. (One more step down:): "Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot-doot (pause) deedle-oo. -Deedle-oo."

And trust me, it's even more boring that you'd think from reading that.

So, nice try, but you have to wonder why they bothered. (Forgive me if I sound like a snob. I'm willing to bet that when this film had its local premiere in Arkansas that the opening night audience had a good time.)