Welcome to the world of Bullseye. A movie were Michael Caine's unnecessary narration comes cascading in at all the wrong moments. A movie were nearly every single character clunkily justifies their actions and explains themselves. A movie with a seemingly simple story, yet is actually almost incomprehensible.
PLOT (SPOILERS)
Okay, so, I'll do my best. Sidney Lipton is a small time crook - and darts whiz - who bears a resemblance to nuclear scientist Daniel Hickler, who is currently working for the British government with Sir John Bavistock on cheap, clean, fusion energy. At the beginning of the film, the two scientists (or maybe Sir John is just a PR guy, it's hard to tell) perfect (or so they think) the formula to cheap, clean, fusion energy. However, they plan to sell it on the black market, as to make MONEY! Meanwhile, Sidney is released from prison and is reunited with his old crime buddies: Winnie/Willie and Gerald Smith/Scott (it varies). Along with them is Inspector Grousse. They hatch a plan to steal diamonds from Hickler and Bavistock, which are from prospective buyers of their fusion plans as a deposit. It is revealed later on in the movie that W and G are both secret agents (though it's a bit vague) who work for the CIA and MI5, respectively. Anyway, the plan is that Sidney and Gerald will impersonate Daniel and John, as to steal the diamonds. After they steal the diamonds, they get brought to Darryl Hyde and Nigel Hawthorn, the heads of CIA and MI5, though later they are seen basically doing field work. They tell Gerald and Sidney to continue impersonating the two scientists (who have been arrested) at the auctions, which will be taking place in Scotland. They do so, while Winnie and Flo (another CIA agent, who is later revealed to be Winnie and Sidney's daughter) try to work out where the real plans are, which they of course do. This is pretty much Act 2, and follows a simple formula: one of the two crooks goes to an auction, one of the two scientists escapes (or is let out by the CIA, for some still unknowable reason) and causes some trouble for the gang. Ultimately, they all end up at the final auction at an unglamourous highland gathering. There's a bit more cat and mouse between the main four, but in the end the two scientists are arrested, and Flo has the real plans. She is about to leave with Darryl and Nigel, when she overhears talking about some plan to kill Gerald, Sidney, John and Daniel (as to avoid the embarrassment of putting two famous scientists on trial), thus cementing their power status as my favourite evil power couple. She gives the plans to Gerald and Sidney, who is it as a bargaining chip to get lots of money from the British government, and they move to Barbados (a recurring motif in the film). John and Daniel go to jail, the fusion plans don't work, and Sidney and Gerald give all of their money to a John Cleese lookalike. I know I have missed out loads, but I've tried to keep this as concise as possible, and I didn't want to ruin too much.
REVIEW
This movie is incredible and has infinite depth, but it's hard to say why. I guess it's a combination of a lot of things. You see, Bullseye is undeniably a comedy par excellence, but it is ALSO a nuanced commentary on the nature of human relationships. Perhaps the artistic height of this theme is conveyed through the tragic deterioration of the Old Couple's marriage (it is a sign of Michael Winner's insight that the two characters are unnamed, they signify a universal condition). The marriage began as a fairy-tale, the pair of them running through the park by the river, laughing joyously at comedic misfortunes. But then something changed, the old man's jibes became steely; no longer did they share the same jokes. It was as if their two hearts were living in two separate worlds. Eventually, their thoughts turned to murder. Yes, the numb embrace of death had become preferable to the pain of living with the memory of lost love. Now that is a far deeper message than anything that can be gleaned from the paper thin drivel served up in the much overhyped "breakfast farce" in Citizen Kane.
It's also the film's awful cinematography. Awkward close-ups, awkward "artistic" shots, misplaced zooms and pans.
I know I've done a bad job at explaining it; and I know it's not for everyone. But trust me, if you're the kind of person who enjoys these kinds of bad movies (hacky director old actors just their for a paycheck), then Bullseye is for you, and it definitely needs more recognition. I know there are others, The Room, Love On A Leash, Cold Zone, but they all pale in comparison to Bullseye, with such classics as "are you qualified to SAVE UP young lady?" but the real question is, what will the Bullseye sequel be called. Son of Bullseye or Double Top? And who will play Gerald Bradley Scott and Sir John? I think that guy from Speed 2 would do well, but perhaps he is not self aware enough to bring out the sublime idiocy of the film. Maybe they can get Lil' John to stand in for Michael Caine during the "shouting on the train" scene (you know, the "hey, HEYYYY" bit).
PLOT (SPOILERS)
Okay, so, I'll do my best. Sidney Lipton is a small time crook - and darts whiz - who bears a resemblance to nuclear scientist Daniel Hickler, who is currently working for the British government with Sir John Bavistock on cheap, clean, fusion energy. At the beginning of the film, the two scientists (or maybe Sir John is just a PR guy, it's hard to tell) perfect (or so they think) the formula to cheap, clean, fusion energy. However, they plan to sell it on the black market, as to make MONEY! Meanwhile, Sidney is released from prison and is reunited with his old crime buddies: Winnie/Willie and Gerald Smith/Scott (it varies). Along with them is Inspector Grousse. They hatch a plan to steal diamonds from Hickler and Bavistock, which are from prospective buyers of their fusion plans as a deposit. It is revealed later on in the movie that W and G are both secret agents (though it's a bit vague) who work for the CIA and MI5, respectively. Anyway, the plan is that Sidney and Gerald will impersonate Daniel and John, as to steal the diamonds. After they steal the diamonds, they get brought to Darryl Hyde and Nigel Hawthorn, the heads of CIA and MI5, though later they are seen basically doing field work. They tell Gerald and Sidney to continue impersonating the two scientists (who have been arrested) at the auctions, which will be taking place in Scotland. They do so, while Winnie and Flo (another CIA agent, who is later revealed to be Winnie and Sidney's daughter) try to work out where the real plans are, which they of course do. This is pretty much Act 2, and follows a simple formula: one of the two crooks goes to an auction, one of the two scientists escapes (or is let out by the CIA, for some still unknowable reason) and causes some trouble for the gang. Ultimately, they all end up at the final auction at an unglamourous highland gathering. There's a bit more cat and mouse between the main four, but in the end the two scientists are arrested, and Flo has the real plans. She is about to leave with Darryl and Nigel, when she overhears talking about some plan to kill Gerald, Sidney, John and Daniel (as to avoid the embarrassment of putting two famous scientists on trial), thus cementing their power status as my favourite evil power couple. She gives the plans to Gerald and Sidney, who is it as a bargaining chip to get lots of money from the British government, and they move to Barbados (a recurring motif in the film). John and Daniel go to jail, the fusion plans don't work, and Sidney and Gerald give all of their money to a John Cleese lookalike. I know I have missed out loads, but I've tried to keep this as concise as possible, and I didn't want to ruin too much.
REVIEW
This movie is incredible and has infinite depth, but it's hard to say why. I guess it's a combination of a lot of things. You see, Bullseye is undeniably a comedy par excellence, but it is ALSO a nuanced commentary on the nature of human relationships. Perhaps the artistic height of this theme is conveyed through the tragic deterioration of the Old Couple's marriage (it is a sign of Michael Winner's insight that the two characters are unnamed, they signify a universal condition). The marriage began as a fairy-tale, the pair of them running through the park by the river, laughing joyously at comedic misfortunes. But then something changed, the old man's jibes became steely; no longer did they share the same jokes. It was as if their two hearts were living in two separate worlds. Eventually, their thoughts turned to murder. Yes, the numb embrace of death had become preferable to the pain of living with the memory of lost love. Now that is a far deeper message than anything that can be gleaned from the paper thin drivel served up in the much overhyped "breakfast farce" in Citizen Kane.
It's also the film's awful cinematography. Awkward close-ups, awkward "artistic" shots, misplaced zooms and pans.
I know I've done a bad job at explaining it; and I know it's not for everyone. But trust me, if you're the kind of person who enjoys these kinds of bad movies (hacky director old actors just their for a paycheck), then Bullseye is for you, and it definitely needs more recognition. I know there are others, The Room, Love On A Leash, Cold Zone, but they all pale in comparison to Bullseye, with such classics as "are you qualified to SAVE UP young lady?" but the real question is, what will the Bullseye sequel be called. Son of Bullseye or Double Top? And who will play Gerald Bradley Scott and Sir John? I think that guy from Speed 2 would do well, but perhaps he is not self aware enough to bring out the sublime idiocy of the film. Maybe they can get Lil' John to stand in for Michael Caine during the "shouting on the train" scene (you know, the "hey, HEYYYY" bit).