I remember the magazine cover (StarLog, I think) which stated, "Jonathan Frakes, wanted Dead or Alive!" as a result of STAR TREK: INSURRECTION. It is rightly justified.
We'll start at the top. Is the movie a Ten?
You've got to be kidding. From Worf's zit to Data's inquiry about breasts, to Picard's tango, to "manual control" of the Enterprise (lot of good THAT did, anyway), this movie is a bad copy of STAR TREK V. I say a bad copy because that movie wasn't a TOTAL loss (it was damned close, but not COMPLETELY worthless). There ain't no way it's a freaking Ten.
How about a Nine? If you're in the minority of human beings that, for some reason, decided a double dose of NyQuil mixed with Jack Daniels was a GOOD idea before you watched this tripe, somewhere in the midst of your drug/booze induced hallucinations, you might have seen the one of only two scenes in the entire film worth opening your eyes for--Data's ethical program malfunction (hey, at least there was actually ACTION in it, combined with intrigue as to what the hell was actually going on) and the romance scene (scenes? Maybe there was more than two) between Picard and Anij (Donna Murphy). Those scenes had at least SOME value.
It's not an Eight. The comedy here is BAD comedy, the kind of tripe you get from those awkward HR meetings you're forced to go to for your job, where someone who's soul has been bled out of them from sucking the corporate ding-a-ling tries their best to pretend they still have friends who actually enjoy talking to them when they're not pining for a better position. It's trying to be funny. It's trying too hard.
It's not a Seven, either. The theme here MIGHT qualify it for a Seven, if there was actually some kind of legitimate threat here. The big deal for the escapees of Picard's rebellion is that they get... transported elsewhere. Given the scope of F. Murray Abraham's baddies and the Federation's help (because REASONS, people. The Fountain of Youth is like TOTALLY WORTH THROWING OUT EVERYTHING THAT HUMANS HAVE WORKED FOR IN THE LAST TWO CENTURIES, because, like, we get to live FOREVER... Duhhh) there's no way Picard's little rebellion was actually GOING anywhere. Didja ever think of that?
Sixes are reserved for films where you at least enjoy the characters, regardless of the terrible (or boring) plot. You can't have that here, either, because everyone's acting like they're on drugs. Picard's become a ballerina, Riker's decided today's a good day to finally get with Troi (so much for Worf), Worf's insecure about his acne, Data's... well Data's at least himself, more or less. But you can't take any of it seriously, and you're supposed to be able to take Star Trek at least a LITTLE seriously, people. Just a bit.
Fives are here or there, this one's all THERE, so it can't be in the middle.
Fours fall apart, this one never was together in the first place.
Ones bore me so much that I can't even be bothered with remembering the plot. I remember the plot of this one. I also remember sinking into my seat when I was in the theater in shame.
Threes are wasted potential, and since neither the Federation's plan nor Picard's resistance nor Abraham's threat have any real sense of logic or tactics, there's no potential to be had.
So this film's a Two. A broken film, with three or four ideas all running at the same time, with absolutely no cohesion among any of them: The Federation throws out everything that makes the Federation the Federation because the old farts running the show want to live forever, Picard rebels against a threat that's only interested in relocation instead of disintegration, and Jonathan Frakes wants everyone to thinks he's a standup comedian.
Not funny. Not clever. Not GOOD.
We'll start at the top. Is the movie a Ten?
You've got to be kidding. From Worf's zit to Data's inquiry about breasts, to Picard's tango, to "manual control" of the Enterprise (lot of good THAT did, anyway), this movie is a bad copy of STAR TREK V. I say a bad copy because that movie wasn't a TOTAL loss (it was damned close, but not COMPLETELY worthless). There ain't no way it's a freaking Ten.
How about a Nine? If you're in the minority of human beings that, for some reason, decided a double dose of NyQuil mixed with Jack Daniels was a GOOD idea before you watched this tripe, somewhere in the midst of your drug/booze induced hallucinations, you might have seen the one of only two scenes in the entire film worth opening your eyes for--Data's ethical program malfunction (hey, at least there was actually ACTION in it, combined with intrigue as to what the hell was actually going on) and the romance scene (scenes? Maybe there was more than two) between Picard and Anij (Donna Murphy). Those scenes had at least SOME value.
It's not an Eight. The comedy here is BAD comedy, the kind of tripe you get from those awkward HR meetings you're forced to go to for your job, where someone who's soul has been bled out of them from sucking the corporate ding-a-ling tries their best to pretend they still have friends who actually enjoy talking to them when they're not pining for a better position. It's trying to be funny. It's trying too hard.
It's not a Seven, either. The theme here MIGHT qualify it for a Seven, if there was actually some kind of legitimate threat here. The big deal for the escapees of Picard's rebellion is that they get... transported elsewhere. Given the scope of F. Murray Abraham's baddies and the Federation's help (because REASONS, people. The Fountain of Youth is like TOTALLY WORTH THROWING OUT EVERYTHING THAT HUMANS HAVE WORKED FOR IN THE LAST TWO CENTURIES, because, like, we get to live FOREVER... Duhhh) there's no way Picard's little rebellion was actually GOING anywhere. Didja ever think of that?
Sixes are reserved for films where you at least enjoy the characters, regardless of the terrible (or boring) plot. You can't have that here, either, because everyone's acting like they're on drugs. Picard's become a ballerina, Riker's decided today's a good day to finally get with Troi (so much for Worf), Worf's insecure about his acne, Data's... well Data's at least himself, more or less. But you can't take any of it seriously, and you're supposed to be able to take Star Trek at least a LITTLE seriously, people. Just a bit.
Fives are here or there, this one's all THERE, so it can't be in the middle.
Fours fall apart, this one never was together in the first place.
Ones bore me so much that I can't even be bothered with remembering the plot. I remember the plot of this one. I also remember sinking into my seat when I was in the theater in shame.
Threes are wasted potential, and since neither the Federation's plan nor Picard's resistance nor Abraham's threat have any real sense of logic or tactics, there's no potential to be had.
So this film's a Two. A broken film, with three or four ideas all running at the same time, with absolutely no cohesion among any of them: The Federation throws out everything that makes the Federation the Federation because the old farts running the show want to live forever, Picard rebels against a threat that's only interested in relocation instead of disintegration, and Jonathan Frakes wants everyone to thinks he's a standup comedian.
Not funny. Not clever. Not GOOD.