Review of Dracula 3D

Dario Argento takes a dump on Bram Stoker's classic story with this amateurish, cheap and dull production of Dracula. Argento has never been known for thought-provoking cinema, and more often than not his stories feature an abundance of style over substance. Here, even the style comes off as schlocky and cheesy, and not in a "so bad it's good" way either. The entire cast doesn't speak English as a first language, and it shows in their performances. With few exceptions, they all come off as stiff and wooden, with lifeless line readings. Even Rutger Hauer, who has given some terrific performances in his career, is on auto-pilot here. The only actor in the entire cast who really looks like he's enjoying himself is Thomas Kretschmann, who plays the titular Count. And at times, it looks and sounds like he's doing his best Bela Lugosi impression. Moving on, as this is a horror movie from Argento, it can be expected that there is a certain amount of blood and gore (along with some amusing female nudity). While it certainly delivers in that department, the effects still look cheap and fake. Also worth mentioning for how bad it is, the whole production has the look and feel of a made-for-TV drama, in everything from the staging and camera-work to the image quality. A lot of the sets look like sets, and the CGI background enhancements in some scenes is jarring. The visual effects are also disappointingly bad. I already mentioned the blood and gore, but there's also a poorly done effect of bodies turning to ash as well as a laughably bad (but incredibly short) scene where Dracula attacks someone in the form of a (CGI) praying mantis(!). On that note, in this movie Dracula doesn't just take the form of a bat, but also flies, roaches, wolves(?) and the aforementioned praying mantis. Finally, even though I saw this in 2D, it was actually made for (and shot in) 3D. Other than being a marketing gimmick, I can't possibly see how it would have benefited this piece of tripe. Overall, it's best just to avoid this "so bad it's horrible" movie. There are much better camp classics, and/or Dario Argento films if you're so inclined.