Seriously, Michael Bay & Co. should pay me for sitting through this ridiculous pile of tripe.
Grew up with the comics and cartoon show, loved the 1990 movie. Every sense I possess was repeatedly violated with this poor excuse of a greedy cash grab and pizza hut endorsement.
I knew not to expect, well, anything really that has Michael Bay's name attached to it, but somehow still managed to be surprised at the sheer badness.
The turtles themselves look strange, and act strange. Michaleangelo is like some weird semi-gangsta who is downright creepy in a continuing reference obsession with April O'Neil. Raphael is aloof, but exists little beyond that. That's as far as they went trying to define either one of them.
Leonardo, the brave leader, was completely robbed of his personality, characteristics, leadership and anything that would define him, and has always in the past. He is instead a dissolved Bouillon cube in a large pot of water....bland, bland, bland. His voice (Johnny Knoxville) is miscast, and would've been better befitting either Mikey or Raph...that is if they'd bothered to give them any personality.
The biggest violations however, lay with Donatello and Splinter, as it seems they thought that hyper-charging the characters would somehow make them interesting, endearing or watchable. "Donatello does machines" translates into exploiting him as a constant, textbook, super nerd. And he does absolutely nothing beyond that. Also, he looks like a Ghostbuster. Say hi to Dr. Donatello Stantz.
Instead of making Splinter the wise, insightful, deep, sensei he always has been, he's instead to a cardboard cutout that does a lot of "action stuff". Don't get me wrong, the Splinter of the cartoon and comics could certainly hold his own, but violence was always the last resort, and had a rationale. (reminds me of what they did to Yoda in the Star Wars prequels.) And he learns Ninjitsu from a book in the sewer, gone is any mysticism or any pivotal, emotional, or vital connection to important characters in the story.
Shredder is lame. There's no other way to put it. He is also a hyper charged extension "more blades piled on the suit will make him better!" He is unrecognizable beyond the pile of CGI blades, has no depth, no real motivation, and feels needlessly shoe horned into the "story" Especially since they terminated any connection with Splinter, or the long important history between them. (by the way, welcome to "plot convenience playhouse" when you find out that the turtles and Splinter were pets of April's when she was a girl. How convenient.
The biggest human violation is no doubt Megan Fox, who continues to show she's a vapid, terrible actress, incapable of emotion, facial expressions, or the ability to close her mouth. She's absolutely terrible and is no April O'Neil. Michael Bay continues to have an obsession with Megan Fox like you would not believe.
She also has no class, instead of choosing to take criticism constructively and look to improving herself and growing into a mature, capable lady, she instead publicly insults any who bashes this movie; (rightfully so) by saying "f**k you". Real mature Megan, and a great example for your children.
The best actor of the bunch, William Fichtner. I'm still trying to figure out what purpose he served and why he's in this movie to begin with, I keep looking, but...folks, I got nothing' (why is Will Arnett even here?)
There's also some defiance of physics as a mountain the size of Everest is apparently located not too far outside NYC, complete with a truck that slides down the side of it for ten straight minutes, with fast paced, confusing, unimpressive special effects.
The turtles are ridiculously bullet-proof (which leads me to why are the foot soldiers carrying machine guns? Or any guns for that matter?) The answer I came up with: lazy. Why bother to have some Ninjitsu students, or experts, or extras, in your Ninja movie, when it's easier to have a stunt guy fire a gun. (That or the entire budget went to lame special effects.)
Lots of low energy, thick glass shattering, metal side of van punching through escapes that make no sense at all. A yawn inducing, passionless, "tower rolling down the buildings of NYC" anti-climatic moments. Lame, just lame.
The solution: a marathon of the late 80's cartoon followed by a viewing of the 1990 movie..just to prove that Michael Bay hadn't killed my soul completely. 1/10.
Grew up with the comics and cartoon show, loved the 1990 movie. Every sense I possess was repeatedly violated with this poor excuse of a greedy cash grab and pizza hut endorsement.
I knew not to expect, well, anything really that has Michael Bay's name attached to it, but somehow still managed to be surprised at the sheer badness.
The turtles themselves look strange, and act strange. Michaleangelo is like some weird semi-gangsta who is downright creepy in a continuing reference obsession with April O'Neil. Raphael is aloof, but exists little beyond that. That's as far as they went trying to define either one of them.
Leonardo, the brave leader, was completely robbed of his personality, characteristics, leadership and anything that would define him, and has always in the past. He is instead a dissolved Bouillon cube in a large pot of water....bland, bland, bland. His voice (Johnny Knoxville) is miscast, and would've been better befitting either Mikey or Raph...that is if they'd bothered to give them any personality.
The biggest violations however, lay with Donatello and Splinter, as it seems they thought that hyper-charging the characters would somehow make them interesting, endearing or watchable. "Donatello does machines" translates into exploiting him as a constant, textbook, super nerd. And he does absolutely nothing beyond that. Also, he looks like a Ghostbuster. Say hi to Dr. Donatello Stantz.
Instead of making Splinter the wise, insightful, deep, sensei he always has been, he's instead to a cardboard cutout that does a lot of "action stuff". Don't get me wrong, the Splinter of the cartoon and comics could certainly hold his own, but violence was always the last resort, and had a rationale. (reminds me of what they did to Yoda in the Star Wars prequels.) And he learns Ninjitsu from a book in the sewer, gone is any mysticism or any pivotal, emotional, or vital connection to important characters in the story.
Shredder is lame. There's no other way to put it. He is also a hyper charged extension "more blades piled on the suit will make him better!" He is unrecognizable beyond the pile of CGI blades, has no depth, no real motivation, and feels needlessly shoe horned into the "story" Especially since they terminated any connection with Splinter, or the long important history between them. (by the way, welcome to "plot convenience playhouse" when you find out that the turtles and Splinter were pets of April's when she was a girl. How convenient.
The biggest human violation is no doubt Megan Fox, who continues to show she's a vapid, terrible actress, incapable of emotion, facial expressions, or the ability to close her mouth. She's absolutely terrible and is no April O'Neil. Michael Bay continues to have an obsession with Megan Fox like you would not believe.
She also has no class, instead of choosing to take criticism constructively and look to improving herself and growing into a mature, capable lady, she instead publicly insults any who bashes this movie; (rightfully so) by saying "f**k you". Real mature Megan, and a great example for your children.
The best actor of the bunch, William Fichtner. I'm still trying to figure out what purpose he served and why he's in this movie to begin with, I keep looking, but...folks, I got nothing' (why is Will Arnett even here?)
There's also some defiance of physics as a mountain the size of Everest is apparently located not too far outside NYC, complete with a truck that slides down the side of it for ten straight minutes, with fast paced, confusing, unimpressive special effects.
The turtles are ridiculously bullet-proof (which leads me to why are the foot soldiers carrying machine guns? Or any guns for that matter?) The answer I came up with: lazy. Why bother to have some Ninjitsu students, or experts, or extras, in your Ninja movie, when it's easier to have a stunt guy fire a gun. (That or the entire budget went to lame special effects.)
Lots of low energy, thick glass shattering, metal side of van punching through escapes that make no sense at all. A yawn inducing, passionless, "tower rolling down the buildings of NYC" anti-climatic moments. Lame, just lame.
The solution: a marathon of the late 80's cartoon followed by a viewing of the 1990 movie..just to prove that Michael Bay hadn't killed my soul completely. 1/10.