The first two things I tell my clients are: keep it real and assume the audience is smart. What does 'real' mean? It depends on the genre but generally it means believable as in, "oh yeah, that could have happened" within the confines of the story, year/era and place.
So here we have a guy who just got out of prison. The first thing he does is go to a bar, have sex with the waitress and steal a car. OK so far. But then he drives it - a conspicuous muscle car - into Manhattan, smashes up a salon, gets back in the car, puts the pedal to the metal because there's bad guy after him, gets smashed up, runs away (really bad acting here), gets shot at, a double-decker comes out of nowhere and flips over, he gets shot at again at an even closer range but doesn't get hit, the gunman (who looks like his twin brother) stops shooting for some reason, he then steals a motorcycle just as it's pulling into a parking spot and gets away while the owner gets shot. Meanwhile not a single cop to be seen, in Manhattan, in a city with 35,000 cops.
All of this took place in 6 minutes of the first episode. And that's as far as I got.
So here we have a guy who just got out of prison. The first thing he does is go to a bar, have sex with the waitress and steal a car. OK so far. But then he drives it - a conspicuous muscle car - into Manhattan, smashes up a salon, gets back in the car, puts the pedal to the metal because there's bad guy after him, gets smashed up, runs away (really bad acting here), gets shot at, a double-decker comes out of nowhere and flips over, he gets shot at again at an even closer range but doesn't get hit, the gunman (who looks like his twin brother) stops shooting for some reason, he then steals a motorcycle just as it's pulling into a parking spot and gets away while the owner gets shot. Meanwhile not a single cop to be seen, in Manhattan, in a city with 35,000 cops.
All of this took place in 6 minutes of the first episode. And that's as far as I got.