Review of Heartbreakers

Heartbreakers (1984)
3/10
"I want a relationship!"
7 May 2008
I picked this up for 50 cents at a local video store. I usually browse the VHS section for the worst movies I can find. This one was a winner.

Okay, first things first -- the gaudy script, bold color-scheme, and acting are all charming as hell in how terrible they are. And the soundtrack by Tangerine Dream just rocks. Seriously, this soundtrack rules; I imagine every track must be titled something like, "Big Dreams (Coke Theme)". Of course, the film relies too heavily on the music. The music sets the emotional themes, provides segway (and montages!) and kicks in every 3 minutes. For real... every single scene change is accompanied by music (albeit bomb-ass '80s synth music with hard-core percussive filters!).

This movie is watchable because it is awful and cheesy (the dance scenes are totally precious). For some reason every woman in this movie takes her top off before kissing one of the male leads. And yes, it seems almost every woman in this movie takes her top off.

The characters are developed so poorly it is remarkable. This is largely the fault of the awful, awful pacing, but everyone in this movie just seems like such a shallow cheeseball. The relationships in this film are about as realistic as those in a bad pre-teen novella. Really one-dimensional stuff. The characters are like... slightly more developed than in a softcore porno, which is funny because the actors seem better than the script or film itself.

Which is what makes this stuff so weird and watchable. The script, story, pacing, and characters are all ludicrous, unrealistic and laughable, whereas the soundtrack, set, color scheme, unintentionally funny tag phrases, and cast are all decently charming (although I suspect they were conceived in a very earnest and serious coke-filled frame of mind). As a serious piece of film, this sucks pretty bad. But if you want something ridiculous, with weird early '80s and gaudy LA pomp... it's worth a watch -- especially if you are good at clever, sarcastic MST-3K comments. I just wouldn't pay more than a couple of dollars for it.

Oh, and despite my references to cocaine, there is none of it in this movie. But it's pretty obvious that the whole production was just FUELED by it.
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