Review of Manhattan Chase

First off, be warned (that is if the rating and the title I've given this review aren't warning enough that is), Cynthia Rothrock may well get top billing in this movie but she is by NO means the star of this movie or even it's main character. That dubious honour falls to Loren Avedon as former criminal, Jason Reed. Just released from prison after a six year stretch for... well... as far as I can tell, laying in the grass in Central Park with a black balaclava on his head and a sniper rifle in his hands, randomly targeting passers-by until the aforementioned Ms. Rothrock pops up and arrests him after, of course, kicking his butt. It later emerges that Loren is a hit-man for what has to be the smallest criminal organisation in the history of New York, consisting of all of five guys! This does even out though as throughout the course of the movie it emerges that there are in fact only three cops in the whole of New York, Cynthia, her crooked partner and, "Moustachioed Uniform Cop," who is the only other cop to show up at any arrests. As in, he's there when Loren gets busted then, six years later (!!!) he's there to help Cynthia kick some mugger butt, (a fight scene which contains the, "Amazing Appearing Table," as in, in the middle of an alley, there is suddenly, out of nowhere, a table for Cynthia to kick some guy through! Thank goodness for randomly appearing furniture!) completely unchanged of course (in fact he may even have the same lines) AND to help her bring her crooked partner down in the finale. By the way, did I mention that Loren Avedon got SIX YEARS for playing sniper in the park with a high powered rifle? Good job he didn't actually shoot anyone otherwise he might've gotten like.... what? Six-and-a-half years? So, this is definitely NOT a Cynthia Rothrock movie. She is shoe-horned in to do a few moves every now and then but the rest of the movie revolves around Loren Avedon's character and his attempt to go straight and build a new life with his son, Tommy, which are sent awry by him becoming mixed up with a girl who just happens to have stolen a stash of drugs, which the five guys in the, "Big Criminal Organisation," want back (just think, "Kitchen Sink Drama," crossed with, "Enter the Dragon"). Yes, coincidentally, the gang after her is Loren's old gang but, then again, this is one of those films where everybody is, "coincidentally," involved with everybody else. Either because the script writer was too lazy OR because they can't afford more actors so, in order to have it all makes sense (and I'm using the phrase, "makes sense," in the loosest terms) everyone you DO have has to be involved in the main plot. I'm going for both. Seriously, not only do we have the whole, "Loren's old gang," connection (so no need to have any different bad guys!) this a movie wherein Loren's ex-wife (and mother of his child) shows up after ten years and is, amazingly enough, Cynthia's sister! And the, "Mysterious Bad Guy," in charge of it all just happens to be Cynthia's partner! Who was sleeping with, "Girl In Trouble's," best friend! Who stole the drugs and gave them to Girl In Trouble's brother! Who Girl In Trouble then stole them off! And was saved by Loren who just happened to be driving past at that exact same time! If only they could have all arranged to hook up for a coffee at the start I wouldn't have had to sit through the next ninety minutes! And that's just the half of it. For your money you also get some dire martial arts action, the kind where guys do triple forward flips after getting lightly slapped across the face. Only the direction and choreography is so bad you can see the stunt-guy missing by miles (which is helpfully underlined by the regular use of slow motion). Loren desperately trying connect with a surly son, who is obviously more interested in playing on his GameBoy, and falling in love with the woman who has caused it all for no readily apparent reason (other than to add, "depth," to their characters). Though that does at least mean we get to hear him utter the immortal line, "You've taught me to love," with a straight face. It's all capped off with the world's worst, "chase," through Central Park wherein bad guys (ON ROLLER SKATES!) are chased by Cynthia Rothrock (ON A POWERED FOLD-UP SCOOTER!) going all of 0.3mph! (On reflection I'm thinking that was in there to warrant the title of the movie). There is also what has to be the most unintentionally hilarious sex scene I have ever seen committed to celluloid. In the end, as Loren bravely sacrifices himself to save his new love, we're taught that crime doesn't pay but you can change your life, connect with your son, and do something good.... but you WILL get shot for it.... and the girl who started it all by stealing drugs to sell and wound up getting you, all your friends and all her friends killed over it WILL wind up with custody of your son... and his GameBoy.