I saw this movie when I was very, very young, and I thought it was mind-bogglingly cheesy back then. It's been over twenty years, and I still think it's cheesier than a garish purple Mack truck hung with bling-bling and stuffed to the gills with Velveeta.
Not only is the acting bad, but the casting is even worse, and the dialogue just rounds it off into the depths of the infinitely awful. Red Sonja is... well... bad. Just... bad. I remember one fabulously dramatic shot wherein our brave female hero is dashing down the hall of the Wicked Queen Gedren's castle: she pauses right in front of the camera after running about fifteen paces; there's a super-tense closeup as her eyes dart around the empty corridor, looking for... well, I'm not really sure, since there's nothing but camera and blank walls around her. But the eyes darting? Oh yeah. Real tension there. And just when you think you can't take it any more, she yells in this grating, echoic voice, "Gedren!! Where are you!??" And as she says the word "you", her lips purse up into this awful horse-mouth, and you're looking at four stories of gums there. I laughed at that even as a six-year old. And where IS Gedren? Well, gee, I dunno, try the THRONE ROOM. Even the stupid kid managed to figure THAT one out, honey. Why are you the hero, again?
Prince Tarn has got to be one of the most annoying children on the face of the earth, although his fighting scenes are admittedly cool, and I'll admit that by the end of the film, I was hoping he'd get killed off. Oh yeah, and his big, fat, clumsy bodyguard is the typical big, fat, clumsy stereotype, right down to his weapon, which happens to be a club made out of some sort of LEG BONE. Hands up if you immediately thought he'd eaten the meat off that bone, decided it was the best doggone meal he'd ever had, and decided to dry the bone out and keep it as a memento. C'mon, you so did.
And while we're talking stereotypes here - Gedren. Good God, the woman is a walking billboard for anti-lesbian/feminist sentiment. Let's see, she slaughters an entire colony of people for the illegitimate offspring of a Jell-O Jiggler and a Lite-Brite - which only women can touch, of course - and proceeds to hit on poor scantily-clad Sonja with as much finesse and grace as a drunken panda driving a four-wheeler through a nitroglycerin plant. When Sonja refuses the Queen's oh-so-winsome advances, the latter has the former gang-raped by a bunch of big nasty guards. Of COURSE she does. And just in case Sonja missed the whole rape-and-pillage thing, not to worry, the villain fires up the Ford Exposition and EXPLAINS it to her.
Enter Kalidor, stage right, looking exactly like Conan, sounding exactly like Conan, and acting like he's got a bad head cold and is doped out on NyQuil. Get used to it, he doesn't get any better. Except for maybe that part where he grabs that annoying kid and lifts him up in the air with one hand and gives him this look that says, "If you don't shut the #$%^ up, I'm going to beat the crap out of you with this block of Velveeta." Yeah, I kinda liked that bit.
The ending fight sequences are really and truly awful, right from the moment Sonja walks in and starts trying to sound tough.
Sonja: "You slaughtered my parents! Like CATTLE! My brother, MY SISTER!!"
Gedren: "Vermin! What were their lives compared to THIS!?" (rips off her sequined Mardi Gras mask to reveal horribly fake scars, from a wound inflicted by Sonja)
Sonja: "You're a MAN! The Talisman will destroy you!"
Apparently Gedren can't come up with a witty retort for this, or even a basic denial, so she just gapes like a goldfish. Wretched.
Then, of course, comes the big battle scene in the room stocked with a squillion candles, the big iron gate comes down, the swordfight begins, and the rest of our heroes come rushing over to watch and eat popcorn. Kalidor, in a burst of incredible stupidity, shouts, "Sonja! Over here!" What the ^&*@ does he expect her to do? Stop fighting and go, "Oh, hey guys"? Maybe he's just trying to make her turn and look at him, in which case Gedren could get in a cheap decapitation and mercifully end the film. Unfortunately, this isn't what happens.
Of course the Evil Lesbian Queen gets her dues, the good guys get out, and for no particular reason at all... the castle blows up. Repeatedly. Seriously - the parapet blows up, cut to the good guys running. The upper level blows up, cut to the good guys running. The main bulk of the castle blows up, cut to the good guys diving behind a rock for cover. Aaaaand the parapet blows up again. Cut to the good guys cowering. Aaaaaand the parapet blows up AGAIN. I am not making this up. After they've blown up the castle three or four times, a huge unexplained pillar of flame rises from the ashes, and thank GOD for that, because if the parapet had blown up one more time, I would've begun thinking they were changing something in the Matrix, and I would've had to check and make sure my windows hadn't become brick walls.
All in all, yes, it's a terrible movie, but you'll laugh yourself sick, and that's what makes it fabulous.
Not only is the acting bad, but the casting is even worse, and the dialogue just rounds it off into the depths of the infinitely awful. Red Sonja is... well... bad. Just... bad. I remember one fabulously dramatic shot wherein our brave female hero is dashing down the hall of the Wicked Queen Gedren's castle: she pauses right in front of the camera after running about fifteen paces; there's a super-tense closeup as her eyes dart around the empty corridor, looking for... well, I'm not really sure, since there's nothing but camera and blank walls around her. But the eyes darting? Oh yeah. Real tension there. And just when you think you can't take it any more, she yells in this grating, echoic voice, "Gedren!! Where are you!??" And as she says the word "you", her lips purse up into this awful horse-mouth, and you're looking at four stories of gums there. I laughed at that even as a six-year old. And where IS Gedren? Well, gee, I dunno, try the THRONE ROOM. Even the stupid kid managed to figure THAT one out, honey. Why are you the hero, again?
Prince Tarn has got to be one of the most annoying children on the face of the earth, although his fighting scenes are admittedly cool, and I'll admit that by the end of the film, I was hoping he'd get killed off. Oh yeah, and his big, fat, clumsy bodyguard is the typical big, fat, clumsy stereotype, right down to his weapon, which happens to be a club made out of some sort of LEG BONE. Hands up if you immediately thought he'd eaten the meat off that bone, decided it was the best doggone meal he'd ever had, and decided to dry the bone out and keep it as a memento. C'mon, you so did.
And while we're talking stereotypes here - Gedren. Good God, the woman is a walking billboard for anti-lesbian/feminist sentiment. Let's see, she slaughters an entire colony of people for the illegitimate offspring of a Jell-O Jiggler and a Lite-Brite - which only women can touch, of course - and proceeds to hit on poor scantily-clad Sonja with as much finesse and grace as a drunken panda driving a four-wheeler through a nitroglycerin plant. When Sonja refuses the Queen's oh-so-winsome advances, the latter has the former gang-raped by a bunch of big nasty guards. Of COURSE she does. And just in case Sonja missed the whole rape-and-pillage thing, not to worry, the villain fires up the Ford Exposition and EXPLAINS it to her.
Enter Kalidor, stage right, looking exactly like Conan, sounding exactly like Conan, and acting like he's got a bad head cold and is doped out on NyQuil. Get used to it, he doesn't get any better. Except for maybe that part where he grabs that annoying kid and lifts him up in the air with one hand and gives him this look that says, "If you don't shut the #$%^ up, I'm going to beat the crap out of you with this block of Velveeta." Yeah, I kinda liked that bit.
The ending fight sequences are really and truly awful, right from the moment Sonja walks in and starts trying to sound tough.
Sonja: "You slaughtered my parents! Like CATTLE! My brother, MY SISTER!!"
Gedren: "Vermin! What were their lives compared to THIS!?" (rips off her sequined Mardi Gras mask to reveal horribly fake scars, from a wound inflicted by Sonja)
Sonja: "You're a MAN! The Talisman will destroy you!"
Apparently Gedren can't come up with a witty retort for this, or even a basic denial, so she just gapes like a goldfish. Wretched.
Then, of course, comes the big battle scene in the room stocked with a squillion candles, the big iron gate comes down, the swordfight begins, and the rest of our heroes come rushing over to watch and eat popcorn. Kalidor, in a burst of incredible stupidity, shouts, "Sonja! Over here!" What the ^&*@ does he expect her to do? Stop fighting and go, "Oh, hey guys"? Maybe he's just trying to make her turn and look at him, in which case Gedren could get in a cheap decapitation and mercifully end the film. Unfortunately, this isn't what happens.
Of course the Evil Lesbian Queen gets her dues, the good guys get out, and for no particular reason at all... the castle blows up. Repeatedly. Seriously - the parapet blows up, cut to the good guys running. The upper level blows up, cut to the good guys running. The main bulk of the castle blows up, cut to the good guys diving behind a rock for cover. Aaaaand the parapet blows up again. Cut to the good guys cowering. Aaaaaand the parapet blows up AGAIN. I am not making this up. After they've blown up the castle three or four times, a huge unexplained pillar of flame rises from the ashes, and thank GOD for that, because if the parapet had blown up one more time, I would've begun thinking they were changing something in the Matrix, and I would've had to check and make sure my windows hadn't become brick walls.
All in all, yes, it's a terrible movie, but you'll laugh yourself sick, and that's what makes it fabulous.