Review of Roller Boogie

The epic magnitude of the eastern front of World War II serves as a backdrop for this riveting drama in which teenage Blair rescues two dozen prisoners of war and transports them to safety over treacherous mountainous terrain, all the while being pursued by vicious Nazi.... er..... What? Oh, yeah. Right. Okay. Take two: Pampered, lonely, rich girl Blair prefers spending time on roller skates down at Venice Beach over pursuing a degree in music at Juilliard. Her wealthy parents are appalled that she would rather attempt to win a big Roller Boogie contest with scrawny, local, wheel-meister Bray instead of training as an expert flautist and marrying similarly-rich, preppie Nelson. Blair heads to the beach at every opportunity in her vintage car (for which there is ALWAYS a spot right next to wherever she's going despite the giant mobs of people everywhere!) She and best pal Beck catch the attention of Bray and his friends Van Patten, Insinnia and Jackson (who, hilariously, is never shown without his strapped-on cassette player with huge earphones.) When crooked developer Goddard attempts to take over the favorite skating rink run by boozy McClory, it's up to Bray and company to come to the rescue. Anyone who's ever seen a motion picture can predict the outcome. Blair, who gained worldwide fame as Ellen Burstyn's possessed daughter in "The Exorcist", is all grown up here, though not fully rid of her baby fat. Tottering around in spike heels when she isn't on her skates, her pneumatic little body parades around in all the latest (gag-inducing) Danskin sportswear. She has an opening scene in which she ritualistically puts on her skating togs that Richard Gere must have studied obsessively prior to filming "American Gigolo" in which he made getting dressed a sport. Content that she looks appropriately ridiculous, she gives herself a congratulatory look in the mirror before heading out. Though the script is atrocious in every way, Blair demonstrates that her early career praise was overstated, to say the least. She, however, is Dame Judi Dench compared to Bray who, thankfully, never appeared before a movie camera again. Weighing in at 136 pounds, if that, he struts and skates around in an eye-burning variety of short shorts and knee high tube socks as his lame-brained friends question his ability to land a chick. This movie being science fiction, he eventually winds up with Blair, though their relationship is far from smooth. In fact, they fight more than they do anything else and it's not always easy to see why! Blair's parents are played by veterans Perry and Garland who don't always look as embarrassed as they ought to be considering the repugnantly stupid dialogue that's been assigned to them. Perry comes off slightly better than Garland who is forced to called Blair "Lovey" all the time and sort through her purse revealing a pharmacy full of various pills! Fans of "The Colbys" will be amused to see that Blair's house is the same one that housed Charlton Heston and Barbara Stanwyck, though the TV show used different interiors than this film which uses the actual location. The pool in the back, however, is unmistakable. Goddard, best known from "Lost in Space", doesn't even show up until nearly an hour into the film and tries to remain dignified, though it isn't easy. In a fair world, the lead of this film would have been Beck, who is taller, slimmer, blonder, bustier and just generally more appealing than Blair. She is given virtually nothing to do. Nelson is saddled with a clichéd character whose only memorable moment is having his behind exposed just as his mother opens the front door. From the moment it starts, this movie provides gales of laughter. Dozens and dozens of skaters (a few using an awkward and hysterically funny windsail contraption!) zip around the neighborhood while a song that Cher doubtlessly leaves off her resume pounds on the soundtrack. The film continuously places rear ends and crotches in the audience's face (and did girls REALLY go skating on the beach and in the rinks wearing ONLY leotards and hose??) Rarely do the chuckles subside as the horror fashion show, cheesy music and jaw-dropping scenarios continue. By the time Bray has skated an ode to McClory in a darkened rink, Goddard has been fended off with ripened fruit, Bray and Blair outskate a speeding car and Bray and Blair's skating double have taken top honors at the contest, a good time has been had by the viewer, albeit for all the wrong reasons! There simply aren't words....