Lately I've been talking a lot of garbage to people about "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector". I hadn't seen it, but with only the cursory knowledge and awareness of the title character's/personality's brand of humor, I felt I could write it off as just being forgettably terrible. But with some free time this weekend, I figured that it would be wrong to dismiss anything without actually experiencing it. Well, I was wrong, and I'm sorry, Mr.... err.... Mr. Guy. It was wrong to just write off "Health Inspector". This movie is not forgettable.
Congratulations, "Boondock Saints". Here I was, thinking you were the most puerile, vapid, idiotic, offensive movie in existence. But no: the worst film I have ever seen has no competition, and it is "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector", number one with a bullet. Never before have I had any experience this soul-deadening, this harmful, trafficking in all forms of disgust and hate. "Health Inspector" is a hate crime, possibly the most vile ever perpetrated on the American public. If Donald Rumsfeld scaled back the torture budget in these international containment camps and just made suspected terrorists view "Larry The Cable Guy", it wouldn't be halfway into the film before we finally had the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden. Here Lionsgate is, presumptuous enough to charge money for this experience when I wouldn't wish it upon a hundred Hitlers.
The plot, as is, never ever mentions Larry as being a cable guy, although he seems to be playing his familiar on-stage persona, complete with catchphrase "Git-R-Done," which he says to the camera in the film's last moment, a final "Screw you, you saw this movie " Here, he plays a health inspector who always succeeds despite his slovenly ways, getting wrapped up in a food-poisoning mystery instigated by the town's evil mayor. Oops, spoiler warning.
Along the way, he is unclean and unkempt, and speaks like the ignorant redneck that he projects himself to be in his act, expending the film's entire budget on fart sound effects. $7 million worth of people last weekend (and a few more this weekend) spent their hard earned money on watching Larry the Cable Guy fart through a less-than-90 minute film. Along the way he romances cute character actress Megyn Price- after playing wife to Donal Logue for three years on "Grounded For Life", I imagine the price of crack's been risen, as she plays a character that somehow falls for this fat, ugly, retarded hick. Dame Judi Dench couldn't be convincing in this role. The only other major woman role in this film, aside from a wine baroness who has a penchant for disgusting internet sex with Joe Pantaliano, is Larry's partner, an androgynous, homely woman whom, through a running gag, is referred to by Larry as a boy. She is put upon and mocked by Larry the entire film, to the point where an appropriate character arc for her would be to end the film putting eight bullets into his skull. Alas, she grows to love him, and her character rises above her ridicule and earns her keep when Larry finally owns up and calls her a girl. This movie hates women a lot less than it hates Asians, Muslims and other various assorted races.
Maybe this whole thing is a calculated act of aggression-based confrontation comedy. Maybe this is meant to test your boundaries, and redefine what you think is offensive. Consider a moment when, to distract someone, Larry dresses up by placing a dinner cloth over his head, draped over his shoulders, with shades and a hat, emerging into the frame slumped over and his hands together, praying, as he affects a Middle Eastern accent, going, "Lulululululululu " You might initially think it was the most horrendous, tasteless exploitation of a Middle East lifestyle in history, but the scene happens in a mixed-race kitchen, and therefore his being from the Middle East has no context. What if he was just performing a baseless silly character without roots in any culture, and my own Eurocentrism claimed his character possessed traits of a Middle Easterner? What if Larry, in effect, is saying I'm the racist for assuming that? Well, considering one of the laugh lines in this film is Larry referring to an Indian restaurant as having "immigrant food", then Larry the Cable Guy is worse than AIDS.
And like AIDS, the movie should be treated with caution. Please, this is important, I beg of you- if you have a friend, family member, loved one who might be considering watching "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector", please do everything in your power to stop them. This film will only cause irrevocable harm towards everyone and spread an acceptable attitude of racism, sexism and homophobia. It is up to you, not as a film-goer, or as an educated person, but as a HUMAN BEING, to make sure this film doesn't infect anyone you might know. I repeat, keep everyone you know away from this film, and you'll be doing your part to make this world a better place. And if they do happen to experience this film, act cautiously towards them, but know that they'll never recover that shred of humanity- paying $10 to see this film erases any humanitarian act anyone may accomplish, and is a mark that shall be forever held above their head.
Congratulations, "Boondock Saints". Here I was, thinking you were the most puerile, vapid, idiotic, offensive movie in existence. But no: the worst film I have ever seen has no competition, and it is "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector", number one with a bullet. Never before have I had any experience this soul-deadening, this harmful, trafficking in all forms of disgust and hate. "Health Inspector" is a hate crime, possibly the most vile ever perpetrated on the American public. If Donald Rumsfeld scaled back the torture budget in these international containment camps and just made suspected terrorists view "Larry The Cable Guy", it wouldn't be halfway into the film before we finally had the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden. Here Lionsgate is, presumptuous enough to charge money for this experience when I wouldn't wish it upon a hundred Hitlers.
The plot, as is, never ever mentions Larry as being a cable guy, although he seems to be playing his familiar on-stage persona, complete with catchphrase "Git-R-Done," which he says to the camera in the film's last moment, a final "Screw you, you saw this movie " Here, he plays a health inspector who always succeeds despite his slovenly ways, getting wrapped up in a food-poisoning mystery instigated by the town's evil mayor. Oops, spoiler warning.
Along the way, he is unclean and unkempt, and speaks like the ignorant redneck that he projects himself to be in his act, expending the film's entire budget on fart sound effects. $7 million worth of people last weekend (and a few more this weekend) spent their hard earned money on watching Larry the Cable Guy fart through a less-than-90 minute film. Along the way he romances cute character actress Megyn Price- after playing wife to Donal Logue for three years on "Grounded For Life", I imagine the price of crack's been risen, as she plays a character that somehow falls for this fat, ugly, retarded hick. Dame Judi Dench couldn't be convincing in this role. The only other major woman role in this film, aside from a wine baroness who has a penchant for disgusting internet sex with Joe Pantaliano, is Larry's partner, an androgynous, homely woman whom, through a running gag, is referred to by Larry as a boy. She is put upon and mocked by Larry the entire film, to the point where an appropriate character arc for her would be to end the film putting eight bullets into his skull. Alas, she grows to love him, and her character rises above her ridicule and earns her keep when Larry finally owns up and calls her a girl. This movie hates women a lot less than it hates Asians, Muslims and other various assorted races.
Maybe this whole thing is a calculated act of aggression-based confrontation comedy. Maybe this is meant to test your boundaries, and redefine what you think is offensive. Consider a moment when, to distract someone, Larry dresses up by placing a dinner cloth over his head, draped over his shoulders, with shades and a hat, emerging into the frame slumped over and his hands together, praying, as he affects a Middle Eastern accent, going, "Lulululululululu " You might initially think it was the most horrendous, tasteless exploitation of a Middle East lifestyle in history, but the scene happens in a mixed-race kitchen, and therefore his being from the Middle East has no context. What if he was just performing a baseless silly character without roots in any culture, and my own Eurocentrism claimed his character possessed traits of a Middle Easterner? What if Larry, in effect, is saying I'm the racist for assuming that? Well, considering one of the laugh lines in this film is Larry referring to an Indian restaurant as having "immigrant food", then Larry the Cable Guy is worse than AIDS.
And like AIDS, the movie should be treated with caution. Please, this is important, I beg of you- if you have a friend, family member, loved one who might be considering watching "Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector", please do everything in your power to stop them. This film will only cause irrevocable harm towards everyone and spread an acceptable attitude of racism, sexism and homophobia. It is up to you, not as a film-goer, or as an educated person, but as a HUMAN BEING, to make sure this film doesn't infect anyone you might know. I repeat, keep everyone you know away from this film, and you'll be doing your part to make this world a better place. And if they do happen to experience this film, act cautiously towards them, but know that they'll never recover that shred of humanity- paying $10 to see this film erases any humanitarian act anyone may accomplish, and is a mark that shall be forever held above their head.