Perfect Assassins (1998 TV Movie)
2/10
Checking in to see if this was in the bottom 100
24 September 2005
Warning: Spoilers
It should have been. In the IMDb 100 Worst, that is. The plot is rather amazing, in that it is simultaneously both poorly-thought-out and amazingly predictable. FBI agent gets personally involved in a case, thinking he knows something more than everyone else around him. His brusque superior officer reprimands him, and tells him to stay out of it (no attempt at collegiality nor any immediate explanation as to why). Of course, he steals a bunch of FBI stuff, drags the beautiful (in the eye of the beholder; see below) woman and the hit-man buddy into it, gets suspended, and goes rogue. He and the girl hook up, and are betrayed by the hit-man buddy. They end up in the clutches of the evil mad scientist, and mayhem ensues. An absolute picture of cinematic realism. The mad scientist is training "perfect assassins" by lifelong deprivation (no realistic explanation as to why this might be effective). There's even a martial arts demo from the mad scientist's sensei, who subsequently never appears again. The completely expected victory sequence lets the dramatic tension (what there is of it) down far to quickly and easily, as there is really very little struggle between the good guys and the bad guys. The end is a bit of a surprise twist, but even this is unsatisfying and underexplained.

Andrew McCarthy is a clever but unlikely action hero: lots of suspension of disbelief is necessary here. Portia de Rossi tries hard, but is hobbled by the bad script (it is, for example,not well explained why she is so good with a gun, and then not well utilized when push comes to shove). In makeup, they even manage to make her fairly physically unappealing (keep her hair back, please, or her eyebrows seem to go on forever). Robert Patrick is fun, fitting and comfortable as the hit-man buddy, but even so, has trouble delivering trite lines about not selling out his friend for blood money and so forth.

The cinematography can only be described as TV-ish. Of course, it was made for TV, but it needn't look like it, right? At any rate, if you are tempted to see this film, examine your own motives, first. If you want an action flick, there is almost an infinite number of better ones to consider. If you are looking to watch a performance by one of the leads, each has better vehicles in his or her filmography from which you could choose. In fact, if like me, you stumbled across it on television, well, it's initially engaging (that's why I watched it), but you'd be better served by finding out of there's anything else on. If there isn't, go for some fresh air. Even if you're a fan of bad movies, this one isn't even amusing in that respect. In short, there's no good reason to see this movie.
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