Review of Boa vs. Python

I'm serious, I learnt a lot from Boa Vs Python: - Bulgaria looks a lot like 24 miles outside Philadelphia.

• Multi-millionaire businessmen with their own private jets spend their free time at amateur-level wrestling matches where the wrestlers dress up in coloured masks. The businessman is more than willing to pay 500 US dollars for a seat though.

• You have to show a beautiful girl disrobing three times, and stepping into the bath three times, before the audience can understand that she is taking a bath. Some of the shots are in slow motion to allow the even slower audience members to catch on in time.

• Multiple sticks of dynamite, causing an explosion roughly 80 feet high and 15 feet wide, is not quite enough to blow up two cars and a truck, but it will partially destroy one of the cars, leaving it on fire. Police, the FBI and the Fire Brigade will make no attempt to put out such fires, even 8-12 hours after the explosion.

• The television will un-mute itself when an answer to a rich man's conundrum is on the news.

• Multi-millionaire businessmen watch local news channels from cities that they're not even from, while flying 39,000 feet in the air.

• 80 feet long snakes that have the diameter of over 3 feet, can get through holes in doors roughly a third of that size.

• Philadelphia sheriffs trip over and fall onto corpses at a crime scene, but this presents no problem of any kind.

• The worlds foremost marine research scientist is a blonde girl in her late 20s with breast implants, who likes taking off her bikini underwater to win money.

• Guys who want to take their singlet off, while at the pool, don't just take it off. They put it on, so that they rip it off, and throw it away.

• Even though you can clearly see the bottom of a pool that's 2 metres (6½ feet) deep, when people stand on the floor of that pool, their actions are completely unknown to onlookers.

• Leading research scientists repeatedly tap on the glass of a snake's cage out of interest as to see what it will do.

• An FBI agent can't find a 70-foot long Boa in a room about 30x18 feet, because 70-foot Boas find it very easy to hide in medium sized rooms.

• Leading research scientists who have breast implants just happen to make sensor pads for animals, which are constantly referred to as implants by the research scientist. She doesn't appear to realise the cheap gag nature of her comments until a man uses the phrase "equipment", in which case she suddenly pauses, smiles to herself, and he has to avert all talk from topics that could be perceived to be relating to her upper chest.

• One of the world's richest hunters cannot drive properly. Neither can his son. They can't shoot very well at all, either. Or throw a grenade more than 5 metres. And despite being overly rich, they drive a 90s model Volvo.

• A girl cannot tell the difference between being licked by a 6ft tall male, and being licked by an 80-foot python with a mouth about 20 times the size of the male.

• All sentences in front page news articles are condensed into one paragraph.

• Newspaper photos do not have captions, and are never larger than 6cm by 6cm.

• Members of the U.S. Army randomly, and in a very monotone voice, say "Ready-to-kick-some-ass-Sir" ... to an FBI agent. No commanding officers are present when national security is at stake.

• Some people can't tell the difference between a pig and an 80-foot long python.

• Members of the U.S. Army can't find a 70-foot Boa in an underground room, even when it screams every couple of seconds.

• When there's "not a second to spare", leading scientists make jokes about cross-breed snake sex.

• When the military's best sniper says "one shot, one kill", he means "two shots, one kill".

• The best way to save your girlfriend from being crushed by a 70 foot boa, is to randomly aim your flamethrower at the boa's face, even if it is all of 1 foot from your girlfriend.

• Wanted fugitives are never handcuffed, but they are allowed to easily slip into a tank and drive it away from a military base. With a flamethrower, of course.

• The U.S. military trusted a rocket launcher to one of its soldiers, who couldn't hit a tank going at less than 20 miles an hour (32 km/hour) from 30 feet distance - directly behind the tank, no less.

• To make sure that the audience knows that the scene has changed to a club, show at least one minute of naked body-painted dancers.

• When a wanted fugitive starts attacking armed members of the army with a flame thrower, they don't shoot him. Instead, they run towards the flames, even after three have burnt to death.

• A huge snake can't barge through metal bars being held by two people, but it can utterly destroy a concrete wall.

• After someone one has been killed, ripped into two bits and thrown around, they can still let out one last scream.

• Creating subway stations entirely in CGI makes a movie climax so much more interesting.

Honestly, you should show this movie to aspiring doctors and lawyers. The knowledge they will gain will pay dividends in the future. No other film can teach you the facts about all these things that you didn't previously know were true.