When one ventures out to see any Friday the 13th film, Nightmare on Elm Street movie, or Halloween fright fest, you can almost forgive their propensity towards total ineptitude and predictability. At least going in you know what you're going to get so you can either steer clear or watch to your hearts desire if you want to keep a running total of the body counts or smirk at what original new way they'll find to grind up teenagers for the meat market. At least there's no pretense about any of those films being great cinematic achievements, which is one reason they have been able to continuously garner a loyal following and there's nothing at all wrong with that.
And then there are the Big Hollywood Productions like Cold Creek Manor that are filmed with a supposedly A list director (Mike Figgis)and a few well known actors (Dennis Quaid, Sharon Stone, Stephen Dorff, Juliette Lewis, Christopher Plummer) then label themselves with adjectives such as `psychological suspense thriller' to make sure they can immediately grab our attention. Well I suppose it worked but not the way Touchstone and Figgis intended because Cold Creek Manor only grabbed my attention by how totally awful and clumsy it is in every department. From the dim-witted screenplay, to the poker faced wooden acting, to the heavy handed direction and to one of the most god awful musical scores ever to inhabit my ear canal, Cold Creek Manor is undoubtedly one of the more atrocious films released in 2003 if not the most atrocious film released last year. It truly makes films like From Justin to Kelly and Gigli seem like works of art by comparison.
Documentary film maker Cooper Tilson (Quaid) and his wife Leah (Stone) live in the mean old awful polluted, crime ridden, over populated, traffic laden big city with their two little darling children Jesse and Kristen (Stewart and Wilson). One day while Coop is dropping the fruit of his loins off at school, Jesse decides to play in the traffic despite repeated warnings from his older and wiser sister. He's only slightly injured, but Leah flies home from a business trip, and that night while in bed with Coop, they decide that instead of grounding the kid for a week or two, they are going to move out into the wonderful countryside where the birds chirp all day, the bees buzz as they pollinate, and there are plenty of friendly country folk who gather together everyday at the local diner/saloon/pool hall which is in a building that usually measures about ten feet square. That way if Jesse once again decides to cross the road without looking, he will still be stupid but supposedly quite safe. I guess Coop and Leah just never had the time to read or watch Pet Cemetery like the rest of us did.
Of course, there's not a person reading this who doesn't know that when city folk move to the country to get away from it all it, spells trouble with a capital T. I don't know what happens when country folk move to the city because they won't make a movie dealing with that subject. Too original I suppose or maybe they figured that idea was done to death with The Beverly Hillbillies TV series and subsequent movie based on it. Anyway, I digress.
The house that the Tilson's move into is one they picked up out of foreclosure because the owner didn't keep his payments up to date. We are given a tour of the creepy mansion early on, leading us to believe that we might be seeing some spooky haunted house tale with some blood thirsty relative of Casper menacing the new occupants. What we're really getting is a quick tour of the house so we can spot where all the plot contrivances are going to take place for the next hour and forty-five minutes. I personally would have preferred a spook story but instead writer and producer Jeffries gives us Dale Massie (Stephen Dorff). Oh did I forget to mention that the estate the Tilson's have moved into is called the Massie Estate? Yep, you now know where we're headed without me telling you but I'm going to relate it to you anyway just to be sure.
It seems the reason that poor Dale was late with his house payments is because he was doing a few months in prison. Dale doesn't care too much for people buying a house that has been in his family for years so he shows up one morning inside the house, going through Coop's film making equipment and looking grubby, creepy, threatening and obnoxious. So, does one call the sheriff to rid their house of this intruder? Not the Tilsons who not only invite Dale to breakfast but hire him on to do some work around the house. This work includes fixing the family pool so Figgis can pay homage to The Godfather later in the film. Coop says he hires him out of guilt because they bought the house cheap and also to see how Dale will work out. I think he does it because there's an hour and a half of movie left to fill but I could be wrong.
As you can see one can watch this whole film and offer cheap shot after cheap shot every step of the way. If the acting was at least passable it might have helped a bit but not much. For all the recent minor successes Quaid has had with films like The Rookie and Frequency, one would have thought this film might have put his career back in the dumpster. It's fortunate for him that not too many saw this overly wrought silly performance, or that the film was released before he signed on for The Day After Tomorrow, The Alamo or the upcoming Flight of the Phoenix remake. For much of the film Sharon Stone does the best Faye Dunaway Mommy Dearest impression I think I've ever seen. No, I don't mean she's a Looney tune child abuser, but her makeup and hair make Stone a dead ringer for Dunaway in that film, and her monotone acting style reminds us that her biggest film success was she played peek-a-boo with her legs in Basic Instinct. Dorff is undeniably menacing but that's not a good thing. From the moment he makes his appearance there is no doubt what he's up to which means you can forget about any kind of suspense at all being developed. As for the two kids, well the girl wasn't too bad, managing not to become too obnoxious but the boy who plays Jesse will make you wish you had been there to shove him in front of the car at the beginning of the film, the incident that started this congealed potboiler in the first place. As for Juliette Lewis, her only purpose in being in the film is to be a punching bag so that Dale can keep in shape. Oh yes, and Christopher Plummer plays Dale's father. I just read that it took him less than two days to film his role. One day with Quaid, one day with Dorff and then he was able to escape before anybody noticed he was there.
There are other strange occurrences worth noting in the film. I feel it is my duty as an unqualified film critic to point out the following so that you can truly enjoy some of the wonderful moments this film has to offer. Look specifically for the following incidents to enhance your viewing pleasure (be forewarned that this list contains plot spoilers):
1. When being introduced to one of the locals, the thought of messing with horses is abhorrent to Kristen till suddenly and magically her parents buy her a horse and all of a sudden she just loves them.
2. There are a couple of really funny scenes involving snakes.
3. Find the skylight so you'll know how it will be used later.
4. Pay attention to the lesson in how to slaughter sheep.
5. Watch as Sharon Stone is pushed into a well, but inexplicably Quaid is not.
6. Watch as the sheriff lies wounded in her office for a long period of time before anyone including her sister notices.
7. Watch as the sheriff witnesses Quaid getting stinking drunk but then does nothing to keep him from driving.
8. Watch as Dorff mistreats the heck out of Juliette Lewis but she loves him anyway for it. (At one point he smacks her down in the diner/bar/pool hall in front of about twenty witnesses but the Sheriff, who is Lewis's sister still doesn't arrest him.
9. The parents letting the thirteen year old swim in an extremely skimpy bikini despite the fact that Dorff whom they don't trust is right there watching.
10. See if you can predict what the weather will be like in the final moments of the film.
11. Watch how by using his psychic powers, Dale knows to take the sheriff's radio because the Sheriff gave Coop one just like it.
12. Last and certainly not least, pay attention to the score written by Mike Figgis. At least four or five times you'll be looking around asking, `Who's that banging on the piano?'
There are many more great moments such as these to relish during Cold Creek Manor. My suggestion is to invite some friends over, have your own Mystery Science Theater and make a party of it. It's the only way you can possibly survive and if that's the only way you can do it, it leaves me no choice but to bestow upon Cold Creek Manor a big fat F.
And then there are the Big Hollywood Productions like Cold Creek Manor that are filmed with a supposedly A list director (Mike Figgis)and a few well known actors (Dennis Quaid, Sharon Stone, Stephen Dorff, Juliette Lewis, Christopher Plummer) then label themselves with adjectives such as `psychological suspense thriller' to make sure they can immediately grab our attention. Well I suppose it worked but not the way Touchstone and Figgis intended because Cold Creek Manor only grabbed my attention by how totally awful and clumsy it is in every department. From the dim-witted screenplay, to the poker faced wooden acting, to the heavy handed direction and to one of the most god awful musical scores ever to inhabit my ear canal, Cold Creek Manor is undoubtedly one of the more atrocious films released in 2003 if not the most atrocious film released last year. It truly makes films like From Justin to Kelly and Gigli seem like works of art by comparison.
Documentary film maker Cooper Tilson (Quaid) and his wife Leah (Stone) live in the mean old awful polluted, crime ridden, over populated, traffic laden big city with their two little darling children Jesse and Kristen (Stewart and Wilson). One day while Coop is dropping the fruit of his loins off at school, Jesse decides to play in the traffic despite repeated warnings from his older and wiser sister. He's only slightly injured, but Leah flies home from a business trip, and that night while in bed with Coop, they decide that instead of grounding the kid for a week or two, they are going to move out into the wonderful countryside where the birds chirp all day, the bees buzz as they pollinate, and there are plenty of friendly country folk who gather together everyday at the local diner/saloon/pool hall which is in a building that usually measures about ten feet square. That way if Jesse once again decides to cross the road without looking, he will still be stupid but supposedly quite safe. I guess Coop and Leah just never had the time to read or watch Pet Cemetery like the rest of us did.
Of course, there's not a person reading this who doesn't know that when city folk move to the country to get away from it all it, spells trouble with a capital T. I don't know what happens when country folk move to the city because they won't make a movie dealing with that subject. Too original I suppose or maybe they figured that idea was done to death with The Beverly Hillbillies TV series and subsequent movie based on it. Anyway, I digress.
The house that the Tilson's move into is one they picked up out of foreclosure because the owner didn't keep his payments up to date. We are given a tour of the creepy mansion early on, leading us to believe that we might be seeing some spooky haunted house tale with some blood thirsty relative of Casper menacing the new occupants. What we're really getting is a quick tour of the house so we can spot where all the plot contrivances are going to take place for the next hour and forty-five minutes. I personally would have preferred a spook story but instead writer and producer Jeffries gives us Dale Massie (Stephen Dorff). Oh did I forget to mention that the estate the Tilson's have moved into is called the Massie Estate? Yep, you now know where we're headed without me telling you but I'm going to relate it to you anyway just to be sure.
It seems the reason that poor Dale was late with his house payments is because he was doing a few months in prison. Dale doesn't care too much for people buying a house that has been in his family for years so he shows up one morning inside the house, going through Coop's film making equipment and looking grubby, creepy, threatening and obnoxious. So, does one call the sheriff to rid their house of this intruder? Not the Tilsons who not only invite Dale to breakfast but hire him on to do some work around the house. This work includes fixing the family pool so Figgis can pay homage to The Godfather later in the film. Coop says he hires him out of guilt because they bought the house cheap and also to see how Dale will work out. I think he does it because there's an hour and a half of movie left to fill but I could be wrong.
As you can see one can watch this whole film and offer cheap shot after cheap shot every step of the way. If the acting was at least passable it might have helped a bit but not much. For all the recent minor successes Quaid has had with films like The Rookie and Frequency, one would have thought this film might have put his career back in the dumpster. It's fortunate for him that not too many saw this overly wrought silly performance, or that the film was released before he signed on for The Day After Tomorrow, The Alamo or the upcoming Flight of the Phoenix remake. For much of the film Sharon Stone does the best Faye Dunaway Mommy Dearest impression I think I've ever seen. No, I don't mean she's a Looney tune child abuser, but her makeup and hair make Stone a dead ringer for Dunaway in that film, and her monotone acting style reminds us that her biggest film success was she played peek-a-boo with her legs in Basic Instinct. Dorff is undeniably menacing but that's not a good thing. From the moment he makes his appearance there is no doubt what he's up to which means you can forget about any kind of suspense at all being developed. As for the two kids, well the girl wasn't too bad, managing not to become too obnoxious but the boy who plays Jesse will make you wish you had been there to shove him in front of the car at the beginning of the film, the incident that started this congealed potboiler in the first place. As for Juliette Lewis, her only purpose in being in the film is to be a punching bag so that Dale can keep in shape. Oh yes, and Christopher Plummer plays Dale's father. I just read that it took him less than two days to film his role. One day with Quaid, one day with Dorff and then he was able to escape before anybody noticed he was there.
There are other strange occurrences worth noting in the film. I feel it is my duty as an unqualified film critic to point out the following so that you can truly enjoy some of the wonderful moments this film has to offer. Look specifically for the following incidents to enhance your viewing pleasure (be forewarned that this list contains plot spoilers):
1. When being introduced to one of the locals, the thought of messing with horses is abhorrent to Kristen till suddenly and magically her parents buy her a horse and all of a sudden she just loves them.
2. There are a couple of really funny scenes involving snakes.
3. Find the skylight so you'll know how it will be used later.
4. Pay attention to the lesson in how to slaughter sheep.
5. Watch as Sharon Stone is pushed into a well, but inexplicably Quaid is not.
6. Watch as the sheriff lies wounded in her office for a long period of time before anyone including her sister notices.
7. Watch as the sheriff witnesses Quaid getting stinking drunk but then does nothing to keep him from driving.
8. Watch as Dorff mistreats the heck out of Juliette Lewis but she loves him anyway for it. (At one point he smacks her down in the diner/bar/pool hall in front of about twenty witnesses but the Sheriff, who is Lewis's sister still doesn't arrest him.
9. The parents letting the thirteen year old swim in an extremely skimpy bikini despite the fact that Dorff whom they don't trust is right there watching.
10. See if you can predict what the weather will be like in the final moments of the film.
11. Watch how by using his psychic powers, Dale knows to take the sheriff's radio because the Sheriff gave Coop one just like it.
12. Last and certainly not least, pay attention to the score written by Mike Figgis. At least four or five times you'll be looking around asking, `Who's that banging on the piano?'
There are many more great moments such as these to relish during Cold Creek Manor. My suggestion is to invite some friends over, have your own Mystery Science Theater and make a party of it. It's the only way you can possibly survive and if that's the only way you can do it, it leaves me no choice but to bestow upon Cold Creek Manor a big fat F.