Ticker (2001)
1/10
Makes You Want to Scrub Your Skull out with Soap.
1 July 2002
Wow. What am I doing lately? I watched John McTiernan's Rollerball last night and, despite reading so many bad reviews of it, insisted on watching it just to see how on earth such a great director can kill his career so quickly and easily. Now, 24 hours later, I hire 'Ticker', expecting much of the same. Suffice to say this is not as bad as Rollerball, but it sure aint far off. OK - the plot: Dennis Hopper is a mad bomber (where have I seen that before???) who is blowing up random places in the city to get his girlfriend back. Tom Sizemore is an on-the-edge cop who is out to get Hopper after he killed his partner. How f***ing original. Cue 90 minutes of some of the worst dialogue, acting, editing, direction and special effects I have ever seen. Segal's performance is so abysmal he could tranquilise a horse and Dennis Hopper seems to have lost the will to live, let alone act. He seems to keep forgetting that his character is Irish, and as a result, his accent changes incoherently. Good lord, I'm struggling to continue.

OK, last points before I catch the elevator to the top of a big building to jump off - Check out the scene when Hopper is in the car with Jaime Pressley (who actually serves no purpose whatsoever in this 'film'). Have you ever seen blue screen work executed in such a way? The background just suddenly stops moving, like Hopper drove into a brick wall. That's right - just stops. And then Jaime gets out of the car and oh..... I must stop. We also never see a shot of Segal below the waste - the guy is obviously hitting maximum density weight-wise and must not want people to see his flabby gut. Oh, and for the record, the ponytail is back with a vengeance.

And the end sequence - a horrible barrage of hammy acting, appaulingly choreographed fight sequences and the most anti-climatic 'climax' I have ever seen. Well, apart from Rollerball. You really have to see it to believe it. The last period uses a mass of stock footage from other films such as helicopters that are a certain colour in one scene and then change to a different colour in the next. UUUUGGGGHHHH! I'm about to catch that elevator.

It breaks my heart to see an actor like Hopper (who can forget his performance in Blue Velvet?) waste his talent on utter garbage like this. Please promise me, no matter how much you like Steven 'Squintmeister' Segal, to never EVER rent, buy or even watch this abomination to cinema. The blue screen SFX are enough to convince even the dumbest of people to stay away from this. It truly is every bit as bad as it seems.
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