I'd be surprised if anyone ever reads this review. Judging by the 13 whole votes "Train Ride To Hollywood" had before mine, no one knows of this film or has ever seen it.
Ignorance, my friends, is bliss.
I stumbled across this...this...unholy THING on television one dark day, and it was so stunningly wretched I could not take my eyes off it for fear that I'd miss the literal lowpoint in the history of cinema. From the horrific, unfathomable beginning to the excruciating, vomit-inducing end, this waste of celluloid redefines -- nay, deconstructs -- the term "bad movie." "Bad" doesn't even begin to describe it. Take every synonym for "bad" you can find, invent a few of your own, and you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of how truly putrid "Train Ride To Hollywood" is.
First, there is zero story. Musicals don't always have the best plots, but COME ON!! This dung heap is so devoid of sense it makes the average porno look like a Merchant-Ivory production.
Next, the acting. The homeless guy at my Seven-11 who drunkenly tap-dances for spare change has more talent in his pinkie than every "actor" in this schlockfest combined. The cast consists of people doing impressions of Hollywood greats so relentlessly awful you'd swear they're half-assing it out of spite. Not even half-assing. Maybe quarter-assing, or even eighth-assing. No one in this entire sorry spectacle even remotely sounds like who they're imitating, and if any of these people ever worked again, I'd be shocked and angry.
Then there's the musical numbers. Apparently, the four African American gents in this fetid film belonged to the group Bloodstone. I can't possibly imagine who these guys p***ed off or what kind of financial/drug problems could compel them to take this gig, but every one of them should be ashamed, and they owe their entire race an apology.
Folks, I'm not one of those people who finds racism everywhere or focuses on how bad things are for minorities in entertainment, but I simply could not believe how appallingly racist this movie is. Not only do the ONLY black guys in the movie do all the skip-and-shuffle musical bits, they are degraded beyond all belief.
At one mind-numbing point in this abysmal flick, one of the black guys actually FIGHTS A GORILLA IN A BOXING RING!!! And to give him strength during the fight, THE OTHER THREE BLACK GUYS FEED HIM GRITS!!! Jar-Jar Binks would cringe at this. I mean, I half expected the Cream of Wheat guy to come dancing out juggling basketballs and watermelons. It is that bad. (By the way, I saw this film on the Black Starz channel. What on Earth were they thinking?)
In summary, "Train Ride To Hollywood" is filmmaking at its absolute, rock-bottom worst. Satan could show this as an orientation video in Hell. I am a worse human being for having seen it. And despite everything I've said about it, I give it a 3/10. That's 0 for the film itself and 3 for whoever had the brass ones to foist this steaming pile of poo on the public. God help us all.
Ignorance, my friends, is bliss.
I stumbled across this...this...unholy THING on television one dark day, and it was so stunningly wretched I could not take my eyes off it for fear that I'd miss the literal lowpoint in the history of cinema. From the horrific, unfathomable beginning to the excruciating, vomit-inducing end, this waste of celluloid redefines -- nay, deconstructs -- the term "bad movie." "Bad" doesn't even begin to describe it. Take every synonym for "bad" you can find, invent a few of your own, and you haven't even begun to scratch the surface of how truly putrid "Train Ride To Hollywood" is.
First, there is zero story. Musicals don't always have the best plots, but COME ON!! This dung heap is so devoid of sense it makes the average porno look like a Merchant-Ivory production.
Next, the acting. The homeless guy at my Seven-11 who drunkenly tap-dances for spare change has more talent in his pinkie than every "actor" in this schlockfest combined. The cast consists of people doing impressions of Hollywood greats so relentlessly awful you'd swear they're half-assing it out of spite. Not even half-assing. Maybe quarter-assing, or even eighth-assing. No one in this entire sorry spectacle even remotely sounds like who they're imitating, and if any of these people ever worked again, I'd be shocked and angry.
Then there's the musical numbers. Apparently, the four African American gents in this fetid film belonged to the group Bloodstone. I can't possibly imagine who these guys p***ed off or what kind of financial/drug problems could compel them to take this gig, but every one of them should be ashamed, and they owe their entire race an apology.
Folks, I'm not one of those people who finds racism everywhere or focuses on how bad things are for minorities in entertainment, but I simply could not believe how appallingly racist this movie is. Not only do the ONLY black guys in the movie do all the skip-and-shuffle musical bits, they are degraded beyond all belief.
At one mind-numbing point in this abysmal flick, one of the black guys actually FIGHTS A GORILLA IN A BOXING RING!!! And to give him strength during the fight, THE OTHER THREE BLACK GUYS FEED HIM GRITS!!! Jar-Jar Binks would cringe at this. I mean, I half expected the Cream of Wheat guy to come dancing out juggling basketballs and watermelons. It is that bad. (By the way, I saw this film on the Black Starz channel. What on Earth were they thinking?)
In summary, "Train Ride To Hollywood" is filmmaking at its absolute, rock-bottom worst. Satan could show this as an orientation video in Hell. I am a worse human being for having seen it. And despite everything I've said about it, I give it a 3/10. That's 0 for the film itself and 3 for whoever had the brass ones to foist this steaming pile of poo on the public. God help us all.