Pirates (1986)
5/10
Drunken And Messy But Enjoyable High Seas Adventure
7 August 2005
Warning: Spoilers
Feared pirate Captain Red and his sidekick Frog are marooned and down on their luck when by chance they are rescued by the Neptune, a Spanish ship carrying a priceless golden throne looted from the Incas. Once aboard, Red rallies the crew to mutiny, overthrows the officers and sails to his hideout in Maracibo, only to lose his plunder when imprisoned first officer Don Alfonso breaks free and takes the ship back. Red vows to steal it back at any cost, and sets sail with his motley crew of desperadoes ...

This French-Tunisian co-production is a very enjoyable swashbuckler which was unfairly savaged by the critics upon its release and sadly disappeared into obscurity as a consequence. Its only real flaw is that it's a bit of a lazy picture; Polanski is a great director but I suspect he probably had too much fun making this film because it looks slapdash and thrown-together and it doesn't really generate any atmosphere or suspense, it just kind of sits there - a big splodge of a movie. This is no reason to dismiss it though - it has plenty of exciting scenes, eye-popping sets and costumes, plenty of mad drunken acting and lots of funny moments. The plot may be a bit incoherent at times, but there's always something going on and Matthau is terrifically all over the place as the 'orrible peg-legged Captain Red, with an accent that pickles your brain through your ears. The rest of the cast are good too, particularly Kinnear as a tightwad Dutch reprobate, and don't miss a brief role by singer-songwriter Dury (who wrote a great but sadly unused theme song called We Want The Gold) as Meathook, one of Red's cronies. I'm a sucker for pirate movies - they always have an iconic visual flair and plenty of opportunity for action, scares and laughs, which is what movies do best. This one isn't nearly as good as, say, The Golden Voyage Of Sinbad, or Disney's Treasure Island, but it's still a lot of fun, and Cap'n Red is as fine a crusty brigand as ever keelhauled a lubber. Holy Poker !
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