I assumed no film could be as dire as this one was painted. Well, it has a pretty girl. And, um, a pretty boy. Oh, and the music's not bad. So far as I can see, alas, that is the sum total of things that can be said in its favour....
Perhaps its most grievous sin is that it's *not funny*. In fact, Roman Polanski's 'Pirates' has achieved an almost uniquely unfunny status in my experience, equalled only by the first reel of 'Austin Powers'. From the moment the first would-be joke hit the screen -- the fish-hook gag -- I could tell things were going to get wearisome. But I really can't call to mind any another film in which every single joke, from the vinegar enemas to the mute lawyer, has either fallen completely flat or been actively distasteful. The first time I looked at my watch to see if we were near the end yet, it was only 30 minutes in... it just didn't feel that way.
The next hour and a half managed to consist of some of the most boring action sequences I've seen. Something is badly amiss with a pirate movie when you find yourself yawning through the fight scenes, let alone rapidly ending up hoping the main character will come to a sticky end. 'Captain Red' is not only disgusting, despicable, greedy and incompetent, he manages to be simultaneously tedious and actively irritating.
Humour is an odd and an idiosyncratic thing, but when it completely misses the mark for you the film becomes a real ordeal. Perhaps the millions who loved Austin Powers find this film more amusing than I did. As for caring about any of the principal characters... the luckless 'Frog' and his ladylove are a decorative and occasionally sweet pair; but since any hint of romance is instantly shattered by efforts at coarse comedy, it's hard to get worked up about their fate. Which is just as well, really.
'Pirates' is not even bad enough to be good in an Ed Wood sort of way. If you like pirate films -- don't on any account watch this one. If you don't like pirate films, *definitely* don't watch it! Be wiser than I was. Take the advice I ignored... and whoever you are, don't watch this film. A film *can* deserve its reputation as an all-out stinker, and this one does.
Perhaps its most grievous sin is that it's *not funny*. In fact, Roman Polanski's 'Pirates' has achieved an almost uniquely unfunny status in my experience, equalled only by the first reel of 'Austin Powers'. From the moment the first would-be joke hit the screen -- the fish-hook gag -- I could tell things were going to get wearisome. But I really can't call to mind any another film in which every single joke, from the vinegar enemas to the mute lawyer, has either fallen completely flat or been actively distasteful. The first time I looked at my watch to see if we were near the end yet, it was only 30 minutes in... it just didn't feel that way.
The next hour and a half managed to consist of some of the most boring action sequences I've seen. Something is badly amiss with a pirate movie when you find yourself yawning through the fight scenes, let alone rapidly ending up hoping the main character will come to a sticky end. 'Captain Red' is not only disgusting, despicable, greedy and incompetent, he manages to be simultaneously tedious and actively irritating.
Humour is an odd and an idiosyncratic thing, but when it completely misses the mark for you the film becomes a real ordeal. Perhaps the millions who loved Austin Powers find this film more amusing than I did. As for caring about any of the principal characters... the luckless 'Frog' and his ladylove are a decorative and occasionally sweet pair; but since any hint of romance is instantly shattered by efforts at coarse comedy, it's hard to get worked up about their fate. Which is just as well, really.
'Pirates' is not even bad enough to be good in an Ed Wood sort of way. If you like pirate films -- don't on any account watch this one. If you don't like pirate films, *definitely* don't watch it! Be wiser than I was. Take the advice I ignored... and whoever you are, don't watch this film. A film *can* deserve its reputation as an all-out stinker, and this one does.