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Reviews
Crocodile Dundee (1986)
Was Worried ...
I really liked it.
I was worried it would be like 'Raiders of the Lost Arc'
Thank god it wasn't
7/10.
Ithaca (2015)
A total waste of cinema
Nothing happens - Literally nothing happens!
A waste of anyone's life watching it. Watching paint dry would be a much better use of time. Literally nothing happens!
Anything Hanks works on behind the scenes is dross.
I think it's outrageous Ryan and Hanks are promoted as being in this. They say 5 words between them - pathetic
5/10
Poltergeist (1982)
Not For Adults
Such a legendary film title
I was shocked that it wasn't for adults. I genuinely expected this to be a true scary. Fairly saddened to see it was like a bad episode of 'Are You Afraid of The Dark'.
I thought it was well written and acted. The special effects were great for the era.
But it wasn't scary.
'The Goonies' was scarier.
What do I judge it against? What genre does it claim to be?
As a horror film it's a 5/10 because no adult could find that scary.
As a family spooky I'd give it higher.
But since it likes to rank itself against horror films I'll stick with the 5.
Nice for a Sunday afternoon with the kids.
A nope for Halloween.
That Thing You Do! (1996)
That Moment You...
Smile with gritted teeth at your kids art project and have to pretend it's great, because you love them very much and you encouraged them to paint in the first place ....
That's what this film is like, when you realise the legend Tom Hanks wrote and directed it. This was something he had been formulating in his mind during the promotion of Forest Gump. It would be fair to assume after all the great films he had starred in, Tom would know what it takes to make a great movie.... remember he wrote this after starring in the epic Forest Gump.
Unfortunately this film is bland as beige paint. Nothing is really wrong with the way it looks or the acting, but nothing is right about this picture. It lacks any kind of spark or magic star dust that Hanks experiences regularly on set.
How on earth could he think this film would be fascinating, exciting or even interesting? The plot is perfectly straight and narrow, with no twists or turns. It takes no risks or explores any off shoots ... it simply goes straight ahead without even glancing around for a single memorable moment.
Tom Hanks is a fantastic actor, who stars in legendary films and yet for some reason wrote a mundane, uninspiring flick, that is so easy going, you could go to sleep for 45minutes, wake up and immediately pick the story back up.
A college film would likely have more imagination than this waste of reel.
Pointless
Willow (1988)
I'll never be able to get this time back
The least enjoyable film I've watched in many, many years.
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
My mind is on fire!
An attack on the senses. Graphic, gruesome, artistic and poetic. This film confused me without being confusing. The plot was straight forward but the confusion in my head is caused by the shock value and general weirdness.
This movie should be rated on a scale not yet created to match the feeling it creates. Without one available I'll give it 6/10
Downsizing (2017)
Downsizing My Rating As The Film Plays
GREAT CONCEPT
GREAT START
And then....
The writers visited an insane asylum and asked all residents to come up with ideas for how the film should proceed. At the stage, a political activist was asked to choose the best suggested idea and then add a few ideas of their own.
The newly created script was then used as toilet paper, before being followed and the film produced in full.
Saving Christmas (2014)
The Ghost of Christmas Ass
After ten minutes I needed to have a bath and cleanse my soul from this monstrosity. It was December and 10:50pm.... I had no hot water in the tank. I still decided to jump in the freezing cold bath and feel the warm glow I wasn't watching this 'film'.
Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie (2014)
Entertaining
Let me start this review by stating I have rated it 5/10 because this is basing it against all films. If I was to consider the genre, back story and budget I would rate it higher. I enjoyed this film but I went into it guessing it would be easy to watch, zany and not a masterpiece. I was right.
If you start watching the AVGN Movie and want to critique it against the likes of 'The Shawshank Redemption' then you might as well have your knives out ready, you will cut this to pieces. However if you realise it is easy going, fun and silly you will enjoy it.
I have enjoyed James Rolf's work for many years but you don't need to know about the nerd to watch this film. It starts much better than I anticipated and briefs you on the plot to come and the main man himself. The start is slick and professional and sets the movie up perfectly.
The film plays out with gags in reference to other films, the AVGN web series and plenty of other 18-30 humour. It is best described as a comedy, Scifi, action production and for me it's main let down is the attempt to include so much action. The budget restricted the effects possible and whereas some effects are excellent, some are terrible. The final portion of the film is action heavy and the constant occurrence of bad effects inbetween the good looking camera work do taint the film. One moment in particular which used miniatures is terrible. Just as the movie climaxes it really ruined the mood for me and at less then ten seconds long I'm sure another style could have been used.
The very end of the film is great and you stay for the credits, it's a great idea of giving us what we want when normally we would walk out. The film then Finishes and you wonder where the time went, it doesn't drag despite it's longer than expected run time.
All in all a fantastic effort and with good acting (on the whole) it is a worthwhile watch. The bad language prevents this being aimed at a younger audience who may have enjoyed some of the effects more. The fact Rolf said the miniatures added to the charm, is something I disagree on.
Watch this film if you have heard of AVGN or if you want to watch a film which has a feel like 'Bill and Ted' or 'Wayne's World'. Overall I liked it and will watch again.
The Descent (2005)
Decent Into Depression
So 35 thousand of you gave this film an average rating of over a 7,i wish all of you had got stuck in the cave as well.
I saw this film at the cinema when it was first released and 3 years on I've had to had laser eye surgery in the hope it would erase the pain that my retinas witnessed.
This film becomes very predictable and pathetic, the creatures made me laugh,the plot made me cry.
Why cant Hollywood make us a decent scary anymore ? After looking up the word "pointless" i saw a picture of the DVD front cover of this zebra droppings production .
I Am the Ripper (2004)
very, very strange
To put it simply there is no storyline from what i can gather other than the very start, in which some young people seem to be attending a party, from this point on things take a rather strange twist, in a word the film goes mental.
It is like watching a film whilst you are on drugs. After i finished watching i sent my drink off to a lab to test to see if it had been spiked. The film is not helped by the fact it looks like it was made by a group of french uni students with their dads 5 year old camcorder.
I somehow watched the entire bag of crap mainly because i wanted to know how weird the next scene would be, and trust me it constantly out does its self in making you wonder what the point of life is when your wasting it watching this.
I'm pretty sure this is the worst, cheapest and strangest movie to ever be rated on here and for that matter been released. If you want to watch something that cost a similar amount of money to make but has a story you could understand, i suggest you watch your kids school play.
Avoid
Jeepers Creepers (2001)
Poo
Every now and again you watch a film that seems to be good and then it goes down the toilet, Jeepers Creepers is one of these films. The first 15-20 minutes actually suggest that their could be a half decent movie hiding in your DVD player, but no..... unfortunately this is as good as it gets. The script writers obviously thought of a decent start and then couldn't think of where to go next so they decide to bring in a flying creature which causes havoc every 20 years or so.
I personally think the only scary films are ones that have a slight possibility of happening and that if possible you should never see what is scaring everyone. This film starts off quite well and the suspense starts to build, only for you to find out a monster is at the root of it, none of the residents seem surprised this monster comes back every few years either. I think if i lived where it is set id be slightly concerned by the occasional visits of the flying beast.
To sum up, this had a good start and then the director takes it down the wrong route, id rather have the bubonic plague then watch this again. 3 out of 10.
Busted (1997)
Worst film ever
I have made better films with my mates then this pile of dump, It is terrible from start to finish and i cannot understand how this was released.
I am a big fan of the 2 Corey's but this film is a joke and not a funny one. The acting is appalling from every cast member, the script is shockingly bad, there is no plot and since there only seems to be around 4 locations, it must have cost peanuts to make.
This film is basically a very bad porno although i don't think it is supposed to be one, for some reason every 6 or 7 minutes there seems to be some type of poorly directed sexual scene and every actress is only in it because of their looks, none of them have any acting ability at all.
If you want to watch a good film with Feldman in it try watching the goonies, stand by me or licence to drive (Haim also stars in this). Do not under any circumstances watch this incredibly awful piece of *@#* .