- Mario: [gazing in amazement at all the mushrooms around the palace] What is this place?
- [he sees a blue mushroom and reaches for it when...]
- Toad: [yells hysterically, throwing Mario back] Do not touch that mushroom; you'll die!
- [normally, as he pats the mushroom]
- Toad: Oh, I'm sorry, that one's perfectly fine.
- Mario: [frightened] Ah, it's a little mushroom... man! A little mushroom man talking to me!
- Toad: Pleased to meet you! I'm Toad.
- Mario: Uh... Mario.
- Lumalee: Ooh, fresh meat for the grinder!
- Cranky Kong: Who's this ray of sunshine?
- Lumalee: There's no sunshine. Only darkness.
- Penguin King: Shut up! Shut Up! SHUT UP!
- Bowser: What is your name?
- Luigi: Luigi.
- Bowser: Not sure if you know who I am, but I'm about to marry a princess and rule the world.
- Luigi: [nervous] Wow, uh... yay.
- Bowser: But, there's one problem, Luigi: There's a human traveling with my fiancée, has a mustache, just like you. Do you know him?
- Luigi: No. No!
- Bowser: Well, a tough one, I see. Maybe, this will get you to talk.
- [begins to grab one of his mustache and Luigi whimpers]
- Luigi: You think I know every human being with a mustache wearing an identical outfit with a hat with the letter of his first name on it? Because, I don't!
- [Bowser plucks one of Luigi's mustache off and he screams]
- Bowser: [grabs him and his mustache both, yells] Do you know him?
- Luigi: Stop! Stop, stop, stop! Sometimes, I know him! Yes, I know him! He's my brother Mario, and he's the best guy in the world!
- Bowser: Do princesses find him attractive?
- Luigi: They do if they have good taste!
- [Bowser pulls Luigi's mustache off, and he was screaming]
- Bowser: Get him out of my sight!
- [throws Luigi on the ground]
- Bowser: We'll see how tough this Mario is, when he watches me kill his brother!
- Donkey Kong: [after Bowser is shrunk] Ha! He got the blue mushroom!
- Mario: [to Peach] Eh? Told ya I'd get you a pet turtle.
- Princess Peach: [giggles] Not bad, mustache.
- [turns to Luigi]
- Princess Peach: And Luigi? You're so brave.
- Luigi: Oh, uh, thanks. It's kinda my thing.
- Bowser: [singing] Peach. You're so cool. And with my star, we're gonna rule. Peach. Understand. I'm-onna love you till the very end! Peaches, peaches, peaches, peaches, peaches. Peaches, peaches, peaches, peaches, peaches. I love you! Oh!
- Penguin King: [from teaser trailer] That is but a taste of our fury.
- [glares]
- Penguin King: Do you yield?
- Bowser: [chuckles] I do not.
- Princess Peach: [from trailer] There's a huge universe out there. With a lot of galaxies. They're all counting on us.
- Princess Peach: You really thought I'd marry you?
- Bowser: [shocked] Kinda!
- Princess Peach: I'd NEVER marry a monster!
- [powers up with an Ice Flower that Toad smuggled into her bouquet]
- Bowser: [enraged] Then we are breaking up RIGHT NOW!
- Donkey Kong: Mario... You saved my life.
- Mario: Well, I won't tell anyone.
- Donkey Kong: Good, please don't!
- Mario: Okay.
- Spike: Well, well, well! If it isn't Brooklyn's favorite failures: the Stupid Mario Brothers!
- Luigi: [annoyed as he and Mario walk up to Spike] Oh great, Spike's here.
- Mario: [sarcastically] Hey, Spike.
- Spike: [cackles] Yeah, it's-a me! Tell me, have you even gotten one call since you left me to start your dumb company?
- Luigi: As a matter of fact, Spike, we have.
- Mario: [to Luigi] Wow, really?
- Luigi: Yeah! Our mom called. She said "Aw boys, that's the best commercial I've ever seen!" And I said "Thank you very much mother, we're very proud of it!" So BOOM!
- [drops his phone to the ground, breaking it. Mario is embarrassed]
- Spike: Good luck running a business with this, idiot!
- [throws a napkin at Luigi, but Mario swiftly catches it]
- Mario: [angrily] Say that again about my brother, and you're gonna regret it!
- [throws the napkin back at Spike]
- Spike: [gets up and grabs Mario by his overalls] Oh yeah? Get this through your tiny brain, Mario: you're a joke! And you always will be!
- [puts Mario down, chuckles and leaves]
- Luigi: Are you insane? He's three times your size!
- Mario: Luigi, come on! You know, you can't be scared all the time.
- Luigi: Mmm, you'd be surprised.
- [while Bowser and Kamek are playing the underground theme on piano]
- Bowser: This uh, human. Where did he come from?
- Kamek: We aren't sure.
- Bowser: Does the princess like him?
- Kamek: Sire, look in the mirror, you have nothing to worry about.
- Bowser: I know that. I'm not threatened.
- [Bowser angrily slams the piano cover on Kamek's fingers, causing him to scream in pain]
- Bowser: Find out who he is, and what they're planning!
- Kamek: I'm on it, sire. May I lift the cover now?
- Bowser: [walks away] Not yet. Pain is the best teacher.
- Donkey Kong: So this is the end: being slowly digested by an eel next to an idiot in overalls.
- Mario: At least your brother isn't gonna die because of you!
- Donkey Kong: Least you're not gonna die with your dad thinking you're a joke!
- Mario: [sadly] Yeah well my dad thinks I'm a joke too.
- Donkey Kong: Yeah, well... Your dad's right!
- Mario: You know what? I feel bad enough! Just- Just leave me alone!
- Donkey Kong: I've never met your dad, but he sounds brilliant!
- Mario: Just go in a corner and SMASH some stuff, smash monkey!
- Donkey Kong: [upset, throws a temper tantrum] I... am... more... than a guy... who smashes things!
- Mario: Um... no one panic, but the road is about to end.
- Cranky Kong: Well then you better step on the gas and buckle up!
- Princess Peach: Is there anything like this in your world?
- Mario: What?
- Princess Peach: [a little louder] Is there anything like this in your world?
- Mario: [laughs] No. We don't drive on rainbows.
- Princess Peach: What are you gonna tell me next? That the turtles aren't evil?
- Mario: No, no. They're usually pets.
- Princess Peach: [surprised, smiles] No way!
- Mario: Eh, come to Brooklyn, I'll buy you a turtle.
- Princess Peach: [giggles] Maybe I will.
- Donkey Kong: [rudely interrupts again to annoy Mario] Dude, is this you flirting? This is painful!
- Mario: Jeez, I was just trying to be nice!
- Donkey Kong: You are so embarrassing! A princess would never go out with you!
- Toad: Yes she would! I guarantee she would!
- Princess Peach: Guys, enough!
- Donkey Kong: Alright, alright.
- Plumbing customer in commercial: Thank you Super Mario Bros. It seems like the only thing you haven't drained is my bank account.
- [looks and shrugs confusingly]
- Mushroom Person: [sees Mario accompanying Princess Peach] Who is that?
- Princess Peach: Oh, he's nobody.
- Koopa General: You... can't escape me!
- Mario: What?
- Koopa General: [exclaims] Blue Shell!
- [transforms into a blue shell and hits Mario and Donkey Kong]
- Princess Peach: Thinking about your brother?
- Mario: [worried for Luigi] We've never been apart this long.
- Princess Peach: Don't worry. We're going to save him.
- [touches a Fire Flower and becomes Fire Peach. She uses a fireball to set up a campfire]
- Mario: You don't seem like you're from here.
- Princess Peach: I don't know where I'm from.
- Mario: Really?
- Princess Peach: Yep. My earliest memory is arriving.
- [flashback to Peach arriving in the Mushroom Kingdom as a baby and the Toads happily welcoming her]
- Princess Peach: I was so lucky they found me. They took me in, raised me like one of their own, and when I was ready, they made me their princess.
- Mario: Hey, maybe you're from my world!
- Princess Peach: There's a huge universe out there. With a lot of galaxies.
- [Mario and Luigi arrive at a luxury apartment]
- Luigi: Oh, wow! We have hit the big time!
- [the brothers fist bump]
- Princess Peach: Well, we have a long journey ahead of us, moustache.
- Mario: But I didn't make it.
- Princess Peach: You almost did! No one gets it right away.
- Mario: How many tries did it take you?
- Princess Peach: Oh, so many. I was not good at it. Worse than you.
- Mario: [not buying it] You got it right away, didn't you?
- Princess Peach: I got it right away, BUT I grew up here.
- Mario: Okay, now you're just trying to make me feel better.
- Princess Peach: No, no.
- [brief pause]
- Princess Peach: Is it working?
- Mario: A little bit, yeah.
- Toad: [Mario looking around the mushrooms and tries to touch the blue mushroom, Toad jumps out of nowhere and startles him]
- [shouting]
- Toad: Do not touch that mushroom! You'll die!
- Toad: [Calmly] Oops I'm sorry. That one's perfectly fine.
- [leans on the blue mushroom]
- Mario: [frightened] That's a little mushroom man. A little Mushroom man talking to me.
- Toad: Please to meet you. I'm Toad.
- Mario: [confused] Uh, Mario.
- Princess Peach: That was incredible! He kept beating you senseless and you just kept getting back up? You just don't know when to quit!
- Mario: Huh. I never thought of it as a good thing.
- Princess Peach: It's a great thing.
- Mario: [touched] Thanks.
- Donkey Kong: [interrupts Mario and Peach's moment] I let him win, just for the record!
- Mario: [unconvinced] Really, though? Why would you do that?
- Donkey Kong: You wanna know why? It's MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, THAT'S WHY!
- [throws a barrel at Mario, who ducks]
- Mario: [trying to stand up to Donkey Kong] Alright, giant monkey!
- Cranky Kong: [hits both Mario and Donkey Kong with his walking cane] ENOUGH! Get inside!
- Mario: Had enough?
- Donkey Kong: [dazed] Not... even... close.
- [Mario grabs his tie to save him from falling to his death]
- Mario: I'll take that as a yes.
- [helps Donkey Kong up, who collapses and loses the fight]