- Dan Egan: From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election.
- Jonah Ryan: I can't ever forget it's about the people.
- [to Catherine, who's not paying attention]
- Jonah Ryan: Are you even getting any of this?
- Catherine Meyer: Getting what?
- Jonah Ryan: I was looking thoughtfully out the window. Some straight up JFK level shit.
- Catherine Meyer: I was just getting some B-roll of the fax machine.
- Selina Meyer: What would you guys do if you had to choose between your cock and your balls?
- Ben Cafferty: I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.
- Tom James: If we don't put a plan into action tomorrow morning, then by Monday we will be Greece. The country, not the musical.
- Ben Cafferty: Ma'am, you cannot bail out Charlie Baird's bank.
- Selina Meyer: Why not?
- Ben Cafferty: 'Cause that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about.
- Kent Davison: AIDS for example.
- Ben Cafferty: Thanks, Kent's autism.