- Jackie Moon: In the anals of history people are going to be talking about three things: the discovery of fire, invention of the submarine, and the Flint, Michigan Mega Bowl.
- Jackie Moon: Everybody panic! Oh my God, there's a bear loose in the coliseum! There will be no refunds! Your refund will be escaping this deathtrap with your life! If you have a small child, use it as a shield! They love the tender meat! Cover your sodas! Dewie loves sugar!
- Dick Pepperfield: Jackie's teammates doing just an awful job of stabilizing his spine off the court.
- Dick Pepperfield: Lou, would you mind putting out that cigarette? It's very unprofessional.
- Lou Redwood: No. I like to smoke when I drink.
- [Lou sips his drink]
- Cornelius Banks: [to Lou] You were never in 'Nam, you jive turkey.
- [long silence]
- Lou Redwood: [coldly] Did you just call me a jive turkey?
- [Cornelius shakes his head]
- Jackie Moon: No. No, he did not, he uh... he called you cocksucker. Right Cornelius?
- Cornelius Banks: Yeah, I just called you cocksucker.
- Lou Redwood: Pretty sure you called me a jive turkey.
- Dick Pepperfield: No, no, now Lou, nobody called anyone a J.T.
- Lou Redwood: Jive turkey is a little over the line, my man!
- Jackie Moon: Look. We were all here, we all heard what was said, and we're in agreement, Cornelius said cocksucker. Right?
- Bobby Dee: He just said you suck cock!
- Dick Pepperfield: That's all he said about you!
- Jackie Moon: Come on. Dig into that fondue... little cocksucker.
- [laughs]
- Lou Redwood: We like playing games, don't we?
- Jackie Moon: It's true, we're playing one right now.
- Lou Redwood: I'm gonna show you guys this game I learned when I was in FUCKIN' NAM!
- [Lou draws his gun and aims it at Cornelius]
- Lou Redwood: Who's the jive turkey now?
- Lou Redwood: Jackie Moon is Flint's favorite son. And he has done more for this city than any human being who's ever lived on this planet!
- Dick Pepperfield: With the possible exception of eh, Henry Ford... Jackie Moon has done a lot for this city, you're right about that.
- Jackie Moon: Nothing in the rulebook that says you can't play drunk.
- Dick Pepperfield: Well actually there is.
- Jackie Moon: There'll be a lotta television cameras out there so we just gotta be tip top.
- Clarence 'Coffee' Black: So what's the plan?
- Jackie Moon: Brought a secret weapon. It's going to make us look extra cool on Tv.
- Bee Bee Ellis: What the hell is that?
- Jackie Moon: It's eyeliner dummy. Now who's first? Monix?
- Monix: Oh yeah... Let me get a fresh Maxi-Pad outta my purse.
- Dick Pepperfield: Well, we've got an especially dirty hippy here down on the court trying to sink an impossible shot.
- Jackie Moon: [jokingly aiming an unloaded gun at his head] I'll see you fuckers in hell.
- [pulls trigger, all laugh]
- Bobby Dee: [aiming the gun at Jackie] Jackie, "Love Me Sexy" is the worst song I've ever heard.
- [pulls trigger, all laugh]
- Cornelius Banks: Watch this.
- Cornelius Banks: [aiming the gun at Lou] I did call you jive turkey.
- [pulls trigger, all laugh]
- Dick Pepperfield: [aiming the gun at Lou] I know you slept with Mrs. Pepperfield!
- [pulls trigger, all laugh]
- Lou Redwood: [laughing] We're saying nutty things 'cause they're not true... especially that, more than the rest.
- [Jackie tosses a gun onto the table. The gun fires a bullet. Everyone ducks as the bullet ricochets across the room]
- Jackie Moon: Everybody okay?
- Bobby Dee: I think so.
- Cornelius Banks: Yeah.
- Jackie Moon: I'm fine.
- Bobby Dee: Wow!
- Dick Pepperfield: We just literally dodged a bullet.
- [laughs]
- Jackie Moon: [laughing] We sure did!
- Jackie Moon: [looks at Cornelius] Except for Cornelius!
- [blood starts coming out of Cornelius' arm cast]
- Cornelius Banks: [smiling] Woah! I did get shot!
- Jackie Moon: [Mispronouncing everything] It's called fondue. It's a mixture of three different cheeses. There's gorgonzola, muenster, and cottage.
- Father Pat the Ref: [blows the whistle] Traveling!
- Jackie Moon: No, no, no, no! One of the half steps!
- Father Pat the Ref: Come on, Jackie. You walked.
- Jackie Moon: Suck my cock, I'll murder your family!
- Father Pat the Ref: [blowing the whistle at him] You're gone, Jackie Moon!
- Jackie Moon: What?
- Dick Pepperfield: Jackie Moon is ejected from the game.
- Jackie Moon: What did I say?
- Father Pat the Ref: You said "S my C!"
- [Jackie grabs the ball and kicks the ball]
- Dick Pepperfield: And one lucky fan will go home with a game ball.
- Jackie Moon: That's your head next time!
- Father Pat the Ref: You're a big baby, Jackie! You cannot tell me to S my C!
- Dick Pepperfield: Jackie Moon and the referee are really going at it here.
- Jackie Moon: I didn't say anything!
- Father Pat the Ref: You said S my C!
- Jackie Moon: I barely raised my voice!
- Father Pat the Ref: I should call your mother!
- Jackie Moon: You need a phone to heaven to do that!
- Father Pat the Ref: Maybe, your ma didn't go to heaven!