I'm Alan Partridge (TV Series)

Basic Alan (1997)

Steve Coogan: Alan Partridge

Photos 

Quotes 

• Alan Partridge : [on the phone to his son]  Fernando, you're 22 years old and you're spending your Saturday afternoon in bed with a girl, you're wasting your life. It's a beautiful day. Take her out to a local fort or a Victorian folly. Yes, of course but... Look, your mum and I, believe me, we did it everywhere. You know, in the lounge, in the hall... Behind a large boulder on Helvellyn for my birthday. Actually, that is where you were conceived. We just didn't take precautions. No, no, we were delighted. I mean, at first I was mortified, but then you were born and we grew to like you.

• Susan : [after Alan heads off to his room]  Show Lynn.

  Sophie : [impersonating Alan]  Morning, Susan! A-haaaa!

  [they all laugh. Alan has overheard this, so he angrily comes back and swings his bag at them. It swings above their heads and knocks over a chair stacked on a table. He picks up one of their crisp packets and throws it on the floor] 

  Alan Partridge : Watch it!

• Lynn Benfield : [entering Alan's room after he caught her joining in with the hotel staff making fun of him]  Would you like a mint?

  Alan Partridge : No.

  [pause] 

  Alan Partridge : Yes.

  [Lynn gives him a mint and has one herself] 

  Alan Partridge : I don't think you should have one, Lynn. Considering what's happened.

  [Lynn meekly talks the mint out of her mouth] 

  Alan Partridge : I tell you, it's a good job you weren't here 5 minutes ago. Listen to this. Listen, listen.

  [he picks up a dictaphone and presses play] 

  Alan Partridge : [recorded voice on the dictaphone]  Sack Lynn for being unloyal - disloyal. And for joining in fun in a way that excludes her employer. And sack her for being an absolute idiot and inefficient. Lynn, can you call Bill Oddie and...

  [Alan switches off the dictaphone] 

  Alan Partridge : That's something else. It fell through.

• [on air, on Radio Norwich] 

  Dave Clifton : [referring to Alan getting caught trying to steal a traffic cone]  There goes Alan Partridge, cone but not forgotten. Are you off to see a film, like "Cone-an the Barbarian"?

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, good one.

  Dave Clifton : And then watch a bit of TV, eh? Like "Cone Dancing".

  Alan Partridge : Yeah. Not so good but fine.

  Dave Clifton : Oh, come on, Alan, what's the matter with you? Cone you take a joke?

  Alan Partridge : Oh, fuck off.

  Dave Clifton : Actually I'm, I am speechless. Dave Clifton is actually speechless. I don't believe you just said...

  Alan Partridge : You don't sound it. I wish you were.

  Dave Clifton : I am. I mean, I really don't know what to say. I find it really difficult to find a word...

  Alan Partridge : Try saying nothing!

  Dave Clifton : You and I both know that dead air is a crime. And I think it's terrible that you have to fill it with swearing on your show.

  Alan Partridge : Unfortunately, Dave, you are bang wrong. It's one minute past seven, it's your show, you're responsible for the output. I am technically a guest and you've failed to control me. Read the small print on your cone-tract.

• [clip at the end of the title sequence] 

  Alan Partridge : Yeah, well, they're scumbags, aren't they?

• Alan Partridge : [using the phone in his hotel room]  Oh, hello, Susan. Erm, there's a slight problem... I was a bit bored so I dismantled my Corby trouser press. I, er... I can't put it back together again. Will that show up on my bill?

• Lynn Benfield : Why don't you come down and play then?

  Alan Partridge : Play? Lynn, they were doing impersonations of me.

  Lynn Benfield : Well, they were doing impersonations of everyone, Alan. Even me. It was quite savage.

  Alan Partridge : Were they really savage? Were they going...

  [he hunches over and mimes holding a handbag] 

  Alan Partridge : "Ooh, shall I sit there? Ooh, shall I sit there? Ooh, I'm like a little mouse!"

  Lynn Benfield : [getting a bit cross]  No, actually, it was a little bit like this: "Shall I let you walk all over me? Sorry, mother, can't get you out of the bath, I've got to pop down to Linton Travel Tavern to sort out Alan's problems!"

  Alan Partridge : That's very good.

  Lynn Benfield : [smiles]  Thank you.

• Alan Partridge : [presenting his radio show]  Let's say hello to my new comedy character, Camp David. Hello, Camp David.

  [he plays a recording] 

  Alan Partridge : [recorded, stereotypically camp voice]  Well, hello, Alan.

  Alan Partridge : And what did you have for breakfast this morning?

  Alan Partridge : [recorded, stereotypically camp voice]  Ooh, mince!

  Alan Partridge : Mmm, yes, indeed! More from Camp David tomorrow.

• Alan Partridge : You must have got up to a few pranks in your time.

  Michael : Why aye. Hey, I mind this one time, right, I was stationed oot in Belize, right, and I had this little macaque monkey as a pet, right. And one day, I came back to me tent, right, and it had eaten all me fags. So I picked it up and I threw it in the sea.

  Alan Partridge : You threw a monkey in the sea?

  Michael : Well, he'd eaten all me fags, man, you know, it was a big packet of 200 duty-frees, like.

  Alan Partridge : You threw a monkey in the sea. That's awful. I was fishing for some sort of funny story. That's just upsetting.

  Michael : Well, you know, I wasn't thinking straight, right. You know, I just kind of got the red mist in front of me eyes and I just grabbed the monkey and hoyed it in the sea.

  Alan Partridge : Will you stop saying you threw your monkey in the sea? All I can see is a monkey spinning towards the water.

  Michael : Well, it didn't go straight into the water, it bounced off a rock.

  Alan Partridge : Oh, Michael! That's such a pointless death. At least when they experiment on them, they sort of get something out of it. Nice perfume or something.

• Alan Partridge : [presenting his radio show]  Time to say ruddy hell, it's Soft Cell.

  [he plays "Tainted Love"]