- Phoebe: [while Monica sings at Mike's Piano Bar the spotlight hits her and everyone can see through her shirt] Can you totally see through her shirt?
- Mike Hanigan: Like an X-Ray.
- Mike Hanigan: [referring to Monica] Bad day not to wear a bra
- Joey Tribbiani: [about his mismatched eyebrows] What the hell am I supposed to do?
- Chandler Bing: I'll help you out but you have to promise you won't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you.
- Joey Tribbiani: What? What?
- Chandler Bing: Okay. You know how most kids get their allowance from mowing the lawn or taking out the garbage? Well, I earned mine by plucking the eyebrows of my father and his "business partners."
- [referring to his drag queen father's friends]
- Joey Tribbiani: [laughing] Oh, my god.
- Chandler Bing: Yeah, well, I guess you don't need my help, Victor Victoria.
- Joey Tribbiani: No, no, no. I do. I do. I need your help. But, Chandler, I don't know if I can take any more plucking. It hurt so bad.
- Chandler Bing: Not with my combination of ice cubes, aloe vera and my gentle self-loathing touch.
- Rachel Green: I actually came in here hoping to have a mature conversation with you about us, but I can't do that with someone who hides my messages and brings crazy women back to my apartment.
- Dr. Ross Geller: None of the sane ones wanted to come back with me.
- Joey Tribbiani: I'm here for my eyebrow appointment.
- The Receptionist: Name?
- Joey Tribbiani: Chandler Bing.
- Chandler Bing: [Joey shows Chandler his eyebrows, which don't match] It's like a baby caterpillar chasing its mama.
- Mike Hanigan: [Looks at a list of people who are going to sing at the bar where he plays the piano] Up next we got Kenneth singing "I Touch Myself."
- [Looks disgusted]
- Mike Hanigan: I'm not here to judge.