- Rachel Fismann: Would you like a pig in a blanket? It's a tiny wiener with a little dough, just like my first husband.
- Todd: When are you going to grow up? I don't want the twins keeping their money in a piggy bong the way that I did!
- Maddy: Are you aware that we are out of legal sized writing pads? We only have letter sized! I can't work like this!
- Todd: I came in here wearing a brand new pair of size ten sneakers. I'm not leaving in some green European freak boots.
- Girl in audience: So, do you need a college degree to work in a magazine?
- Vicki: No, not if you're sleeping with the boss.
- Susan: Excuse me!
- Luis: No, don't excuse it Vicki.
- Jack: Oh, shut up Luis.
- Luis: No, you shut up.
- Jack: You shut up.
- Vicki: [to Jack] You shut up.
- Todd: [to Vicki] You shut up!
- Vicki: [to Todd] I'm on your side!
- Boy in audience: yeah, I'm confused... which one of you is sleeping with the boss?
- Miranda: [packing up her nativity scene] Goodbye baby Jesus. Goodbye Mary. Goodbye football player. Hey! Who put a football player in my nativity scene?
- Nate: That was me. Sorry, I accidentally broke one of your wise men.
- Miranda: You broke my wise man and replaced him with an action figure?
- Nate: Hey, that's Torell Davis!
- Miranda: That's Torell Davis? You better move over baby Jesus!
- Todd: I don't want to sit at this desk for the rest of my life trashing bands! I want some other bitter wannabe trashing me!
- Ian: [singing] Vicki she's a laugh, she's a cut above the staff, she writes a column like a two bit hack. I suggest a new career, perhaps a job in Sears, but she earn more money lying on her back!
- Ian, Nate, Miranda and Luis: [in unison] On her back!
- Hollywood Hogan: You know it's people like you that sit around whining about what's wrong with the world that annoy me. Well, I don't whine sister, I kick ass, so what do you think about that?
- Susan: I'll tell you what I think about that, I'm gonna bury you.
- Hollywood Hogan: What does that mean?
- Susan: It means that I'm gonna run against you as supervisor and I'm gonna kick your ass!
- Zack Hayward: God, that moon is huge.
- Susan: You can see the moon through the fog?
- Zack Hayward: No, I'm talking about the guy flashing me from across the street.
- Luis: Now let's not forget who's fault this really is. Damn you Oliver Browne! And the Range Rover you drove up in. Why don't you take some more beautiful pictures, ruin some more lives!
- Maddy: Oh, come on Luis! We live in a universe with certain natural laws. The earth revolves around the sun. Red Sox never win the series and I always reject you!
- Vicki: Hmm... a whole bagel when you usually scoop out the middle. Coffee, when you normally drink tea. This only adds up to one thing, you're having sex!
- [after Jack try's singing "Jingle Bells" for the Christmas Party at the hospital]
- Vicki: This just in from my ears: "OUCH!"
- Susan: I'm Susan Keane-Champion of the poor, the young, the elderly, the small business owners, the vegetarians, the meat eaters alike! All the people of this great city and I'm here to tell you that NOBODY KICKS MY ASS!
- Susan: It's career day at my old junior high. You're more than welcome to come.
- Maddy: Mmmmm... No thanks, I already have a career.
- Vicki: Yeah... office hag!
- Maddy: Vicki, I could responds to your childish remark by mentioning that your hair would embarrass a troll doll but I'm not going to sink to your level.
- Vicki: Hag!
- Maddy: Freak!
- Vicki: Skank!
- Maddy: Get a hat!
- Susan: I'm just a little concerned with what seems to be your growing obsession with my Nana.
- Vicki: That's ridiculous! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to run down to Market Street. Helen should be on the number 20 bus and I want to be there to wave as she goes by.
- Susan: Sure, it's all fun and games until somebody needs a restraining order!
- Todd: Ok, if you are going to stay here, let's get some ground rules straight. No parties, no drugs, no surprise guests. I don't want the narcs kicking in the door like they did at my 6th birthday party!