- Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh... as I hold this cold meat, I'm reminded of Winston. God rest his soul.
- Miranda: When did he pass on?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Eight years ago, dear, this November.
- Miranda: What happened?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: He was quite fond of the drink. It was the drink that killed him.
- Miranda: How awful. He was an alcoholic?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: No, he was hit by a Guinness truck. So it was quite literally the drink that killed him.
- Mrs. Sellner: Oh, by the way. Do you have any special skills?
- Daniel: Oh, yes, I do. I do voices.
- Mrs. Sellner: What do you mean, you do voices?
- Daniel: [German accent] Well, I do voices.
- Daniel: [as evangelist] Yes!
- Daniel: [as martian] We've come to this planet looking for intelligent life. Oops, we made a mistake.
- Daniel: [as Russian immigrant] Happy to be in America. Don't ask for a green card.
- Daniel: [as monster] I want you in the worst way.
- Daniel: [as Groucho Marx] Well this is certainly a rough meeting and it's not going very well for me, I'll tell you that.
- [as Chico Marx]
- Daniel: Hey boss, give her a chance. She's gonna loosen up any moment.
- Daniel: [as Sean Connery] Look at me right now, Moneypenny, I want to undo that bow and get to know you.
- Daniel: [as a used-car salesman] I'll be crazy to make a deal with you!
- Daniel: [as Ronald Reagan] Nancy and I are still looking for the other half of my head.
- Daniel: [as Walter Brennan] This is it! Yes, I'm doing it! I'm sitting on a gold mine!
- Daniel: [as Humphrey Bogart] Don't make me smack you, sweetheart. I'll do it.
- Daniel: [normal voice] I do a great impression of a hot dog.
- [leans back straight, trying to keep a straight face]
- Mrs. Sellner: Mr. Hillard, do you consider yourself humorous?
- Daniel: I used to. There was a time when I found myself funny, but today you have proven me wrong. Thank you.
- Daniel: Did you ever wish that sometimes you could freeze-frame a single moment in your day, look at it, and say, "This is not my life"?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Sink the sub. Hide the weasel. Park the porpoise. A bit of the old Humpty Dumpty, Little Jack Horny, the Horizontal Mambo, hmm? The Bone Dancer, Rumpleforeskin, Baloney Bop, a bit of the old Cunning Linguistics?
- Stu: Mrs. Doubtfire, please.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh I'm sorry, am I being a little graphic? I'm sorry. Well, I hope you're up for a little competition. She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. It's her own personal jackhammer. She could break sidewalk with that thing. She uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.
- Stu: [about Daniel] What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser. See ya.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Loser? Oh, yeah.
- [Takes a lime and throws it at Stu's head. Stu looks back, angry]
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, sir. I saw it! Some angry member of the kitchen staff, Did you not tip them? Oh, the terrorists! They ran that way. It was a run-by fruiting. I'll get them, sir. Don't worry.
- [last lines]
- Mrs. Doubtfire: [reading a letter] "Dear Mrs. Doubtfire, two months ago, my mom and dad decided to separate. Now they live in different houses. My brother Andrew says that we aren't to be a family anymore. Is this true? Did I lose my family? Is there anything I can do to get my parents back together? Sincerely, Katie McCormick." Oh, my dear Katie. You know, some parents, when they're angry, they get along much better when they don't live together. They don't fight all the time, and they can become better people, and much better mummies and daddies for you. And sometimes they get back together. And sometimes they don't, dear. And if they don't, don't blame yourself. Just because they don't love each other anymore, doesn't mean that they don't love you. There are all sorts of different families, Katie. Some families have one mommy, some families have one daddy, or two families. And some children live with their uncle or aunt. Some live with their grandparents, and some children live with foster parents. And some live in separate homes, in separate neighborhoods, in different areas of the country - and they may not see each other for days, or weeks, months... even years at a time. But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you're going to be all right... bye-bye.
- Miranda: [about Stu] Isn't he fabulous?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: If you like that handsome rugged type. But personally I prefer short, furry and funny.
- Miranda: He just wants to go out and have a drink. I think that's pretty harmless, don't you?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Absolutely not, dear, because they always have other intentions.
- Miranda: This is business mostly. I'll just sit there and sip club soda and we'll go over wallpaper samples.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear Miranda, wake up and smell the coffee. Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes? It's too soon, dear, really. You've got to give your divorce some time, dear. Let your sheets cool down before you bring someone else into the bed, alright?
- Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, certainly, dear.
- Miranda: How long after Mr. Doubtfire passed away... Did you feel any desire...?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Never.
- Miranda: Never?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Never again.
- Miranda: Never again?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Once the father of your children is out of the picture, the only solution is total and lifelong celibacy.
- Miranda: Celibacy?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Yes. And if you violate that, heaven forgive you! Good luck.
- [a mugger tries to snatch Mrs. Doubtfire's purse]
- Mrs. Doubtfire: [as Daniel] BACK OFF, ASSHOLE! BEAT IT!
- [startled, the mugger runs off]
- Mrs. Doubtfire: [slipping back into character] Broke my bag, the bastard.
- Daniel: [as Mrs. Doubtfire in his own voice] Sorry I'm late. After all those scotches I had to piss like a racehorse.
- [Takes a drink of scotch]
- Jonathan Lundy: Daniel?
- Daniel: Yeah?
- Jonathan Lundy: Why in God's name are you dressed like a woman?
- Daniel: Oh, damn. Well, I'd like you to meet the host of your new show.
- Jonathan Lundy: Host?
- Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in the education and entertainment of children.
- [pause]
- Daniel: Surprise!
- Jonathan Lundy: Tell me, why would Mrs. Doubtfire be a good host?
- Daniel: [in Mrs. Doubtfire's voice] I'm a hip old granny who can hip-hop, bebop, dance til ya drop and yo yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.
- Bus Driver: [after noticing Mrs. Doubtfire has hairy legs] I like that Mediterranean look in women. Natural, healthy. Just the way God made you.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: [modestly] Well, He broke the mold when He made me. He made me very special.
- Bus Driver: He sure did.
- Natalie: We're in the middle of "Charlotte's Web". Who's gonna finish it?
- Daniel: Well, Grandma will finish it for you.
- Natalie: [whispers] She's not as good. She always skips parts, and she never does the voices. She smells funny, too.
- Daniel: That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well preserved.
- Daniel: Wow, films! Will I be introducing these movies on air?
- TV Boss: Not exactly.
- Daniel: What do I do?
- TV Boss: Well, you take all these cans, you box 'em, you ship 'em. Then you box those cans over there, ship them. Then more will come in. You box those, you ship those. Any questions?
- Daniel: After you box 'em...?
- TV Boss: You ship 'em. Lotsa luck, smartass.
- [turns and walks away]
- Daniel: I think I made a friend.
- [at the taping of a children's show]
- Daniel: They should have a little disclaimer that says "Do Not Operate Heavy Machinery While Watching This Show". Incredible. This guy used to put me to sleep when I was a kid. Amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mister Rogers look like Mick Jagger.
- [at the pool]
- Stu: Your day's on me, Mrs Doubtfire. Anything you need, just put on my tab, okay?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, thank you, dear.
- [Stu leaves]
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Touch me again, and I'll drown you.
- Miranda: Hello, are you calling in response to the ad?
- Daniel: [posing as an applicant] Uh-huh.
- Miranda: Tell me, who was your previous employer?
- Daniel: I was in a band. "Severe Tire Damage".
- Miranda: In a band?
- Daniel: I just want to know one thing. Are your kids well-behaved? Or do they need, like, a few light slams every now and then?
- Miranda: [unnerved] Umm... I'll have to get back to you.
- Daniel: Wow.
- Lou: You can't put words in Pudgy's mouth if his mouth isn't moving!
- Daniel: Well, it's voiceover. It's an interior monologue. Maybe even the voice of God, that's even better.
- [as God]
- Daniel: No, Pudgy, don't smoke!
- Lou: Actors.
- Daniel: What? Well, let's ask the technicians. Do you think its morally right to promote smoking to the youth of America?
- [the three technicians are smoking. One man shrugs]
- Daniel: They're biased. That's a mistrial.
- Lou: Daniel, listen to me. This session is costing the studio thousands of dollars. Now if you want a paycheck, you stick to the script. If you wanna play Gandhi, then do it on somebody else's time.
- Daniel: [imitating Gandhi] Then I've got to do what I've got to do.
- Lou: That's very funny. Where the hell are you going? Hey listen, buddy, I'll tell you something, if you leave, you're not getting back in. I'm not taking any crap from you, pal.
- Daniel: Well, in the words of Porky Pig, "Pi-pi-pi-pi-pi-piss off, Lou."
- Mrs. Doubtfire: I hope you don't mind me being a tad rude, but... how was he? You know, on a scale of 1 to 10?
- Miranda: Well, that part was always... okay.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Just okay? Well, he was probably a Casanova compared to poor old Winston.
- Miranda: What was the matter with Winston?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh dear, Winston's idea of foreplay was "Effie, brace yourself."
- Mrs. Doubtfire: [after being introduced to Natalie] I admire that honesty, Natalie, that's a noble quality. Never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.
- Daniel: [watching a boring children's show] I can't believe they're still subjecting kids to this. This is insane. They should have a little disclaimer that says, "Do not operate heavy machinery while watching this show." It's incredible. This guy used to put *me* to sleep when I was a kid. It's amazing. He has the warmth of a snow pea. He makes Mr. Rogers look like Mick Jagger. That's insane! What kind of idiot kept this guy on the air for twenty-five years?
- Jonathan Lundy: Me.
- Daniel: [smiles, mortified] You?
- Jonathan Lundy: [offers his hand] Jonathan Lundy.
- Daniel: Jonathan Lundy, general manager, owner?
- [Lundy nods]
- Daniel: I'm Daniel Hillard, former employee.
- Lou: Daniel, that line was not in the script; why did you add it?
- Daniel: Well, I thought I should comment on the situation.
- Lou: What situation?
- Daniel: The fact that Pudgy the Parrot has a cigarette shoved into his mouth is morally irresponsible!
- Lou: This is a cartoon, okay? This is not a freakin' Oprah Winfrey special.
- Daniel: Lou, millions of kids see this cartoon, it's like sending each one of them a pack of cigarettes and saying "light up."
- Miranda: Daniel was so wonderfully different, and funny! He could always make me laugh.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: They always say the key to a solid marriage is laughter.
- Miranda: But after a few years, everything just stopped being funny.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Why?
- Miranda: I was working all the time, and he was always between jobs. I hardly ever got to see the kids, and on the nights I'd try to get home early to be with them, something would go wrong. The house would be wrecked and I'd have to clean it up. He never knew, but so many nights I just cried myself to sleep.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: [crushed] Really?
- Miranda: The truth is, I didn't like who I was when I was with him. I would turn into this horrible person. I didn't want my kids growing up with a mother like that. When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better. And... I'm sure he's better when he's not with me.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Well, you never... I mean, did you ever say anything to him dear?
- Miranda: Daniel never liked to talk about anything serious. I used to think Daniel could do anything, except be serious. But then *I* was serious enough for everybody.
- Daniel: [as Mr. Rogers] Hello, boys and girls, today we're gonna talk about dinosaurs. It's a dino-sorus line!
- [sings fanfare]
- Daniel: And now ladies and gentlemen, the King.
- [hums tune and imitates Elvis with a T-Rex]
- Daniel: Hey thank you, I'ma make you lunch, thank you. Okay, now put your claws together for James Bronnnnnntosaurus!
- [James Brown style]
- Daniel: Pum pum pum, I eat wood, dada dada dada da, it tastes good, dada dada dada da no meat, big feet, I eat wood, pum pum pum! Oh I can't go on, can't go on, I'm goin' extinct! Now it's time for the Raptor rap.
- [raps]
- Daniel: Yo I'm a Raptor doin' what I can gonna eat everything 'til the appearance of man. Yo yo yo, see me, I'm living below the soil, I'll be back but I'm comin' as oil!
- Stu: People change, Ron. I'm pushing 40. I don't want to spend the rest of my life by myself.
- Ron: She's got an awful lot of baggage, though. Three kids?
- Stu: Three terrific kids, and I'm crazy about them, especially that little Natalie. Look at her. She's a sweetie pie. God knows they need some kind of stable father figure in their life right now.
- Ron: What about their real father?
- Stu: What can I say, Ron? The guy's a loser.
- Daniel: Oh, lighten up, will you? Just realize you're spending too much time with those corporate clones you used to despise.
- Miranda: I spend too much time with you, Daniel! It's OVER! It's over...
- [pause]
- Daniel: Come on, Miranda. Listen, we've got problems, but who doesn't? We can work them out. What are you taking about, "It's over"?
- Miranda: We've been trying to work them out for 14 years.
- Daniel: Come on. Please. Listen, maybe we need some help, okay? Maybe we can go to a family therapist. They'll help us get through this together.
- Miranda: It's too late for that.
- Daniel: Well, let's take a vacation together with the kids, as a family. Get you away from work, you're a different person, you really are. You're great.
- Miranda: Oh, Daniel, our problems would be waiting for us right here when we got back.
- Daniel: [smiles weakly] Well, we'll move, and hopefully our problems won't follow us.
- Miranda: Daniel, please don't joke.
- Daniel: [smile fades] Okay.
- Miranda: We... We've just grown apart. We're different. We have nothing in common.
- Daniel: Oh, sure we do. We love each other.
- [Miranda is quiet]
- Daniel: Come on, Miranda. We love each other... don't we?
- Miranda: [tearfully] I want a divorce.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Dear, I always say, a flawed husband is better than none at all.
- Miranda: Who needs a husband when I've got you?
- Mrs. Doubtfire: What a lovely home you have. Did you decorate this yourself?
- Miranda: Yes, I did.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Oh, it reeks of taste!
- [at the pool]
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Not a single body that exists in nature, look at that.
- Lydie: [looks askance at Mrs. Doubtfire]
- Mrs. Doubtfire: [in a threatening tone] Lydie.
- [Frank is making Daniel's woman costume]
- Daniel: It's not working. I need to go older.
- Frank: Older? You mean like a Shelley Winters older, or Shirley MacLaine older?
- Daniel: What's the difference?
- Frank: Some Scotch tape and red hair dye.
- Daniel: What about Joan Collins?
- Frank: Oh, I don't think I have the strength. But I have some plaster.
- Daniel: [Wearing a black wig and speaking with a Spanish accent] I hope you are using Jungle Red, because that is the only color I love.
- Jack: Mmm. Matches your lips.
- Daniel: God bless you. You know I'm feeling fabulous, because I met this beautiful Cuban. Every night is like the Bay of Pigs.
- Jack: Mmm-hmm.
- Daniel: I can't lie to you. It's beautiful with him.
- Jack: Mmm.
- Daniel: I don't know. This will scare the children. Do you think so? I don't know, maybe this is too much for them?
- Frank: I think we'll have to go to the next level. Latex.
- Jonathan Lundy: [after Daniel tells him about an ex in the dining staff] Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?
- Daniel: Hey, it's the '90s!
- Lydie: [deleted scene] Dad, why can't you just pretend?
- Daniel: To be what, honey?
- Lydie: Pretend to be Mrs. Doubtfire and pretend to be Pudgy the bird and all those other things. Why can't you and Mom just pretend to be happy?
- Daniel: We probably could.
- Lydie: And we'd still be a family.
- Daniel: Yeah we would be, but we'd be a pretend family, you know? It wouldn't be real. You'd know, you'd know we'd be acting. You can't act 24 hours a day, I'm not that good an actor, today proved that. No, life's more real and wonderful and acting is nice, it's a job.
- Lydie: It's your job to be our father.
- Daniel: No it's not a job, it's a joy being your father, I don't have to play the part of your father, I am your father, I may act like a fool, but I am your father, okay? Always, rain, shine, it's the one wonderful thing in my life.
- Daniel: [Yiddish accent] Oi, it vas such a shandw! I should never buy gribenes from a Mohel; it's so chewy.
- Daniel: [normal voice] No, oh no, I feel like Bubbi. This is not working.
- Frank: You know this isn't working, but don't worry it's a work in progress, and you're my brother; I will never let you be embarrassed.
- Daniel: God bless you.
- Frank: I think we're gonna have to do the entire face.
- Daniel: But look at this nice thing, though, we have here!
- Daniel, Frank: [both singing] Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match; find me a find, catch me a catch!
- Miranda: Mrs. Doubtfire.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: [startled] What?
- Miranda: You're going into the men's room.
- Mrs. Doubtfire: Huh? Oh, so it is. I do need new glasses dear. Sorry.
- Daniel: [shouting to Mrs. Sellner in the other room as he undresses from the Mrs. Doubtfire disguise] Oh, Mrs. Sellner! I just got out of the shower. I think you'll be very pleased with me. I've been through some really interesting changes and I'm becoming a new man and a model father...
- [unhooks the bra]
- Daniel: Yes I want to keep you abreast to some of the changes in my career.
- [takes off bra]
- Daniel: There have been two big developments.
- [unzipping the body suit]
- Daniel: I'm finally starting to come into my own. Things are really starting to take shape.
- [pulling his arms out]
- Daniel: And I'm blossoming, really I am!
- [pulls the suit down off his chest]
- Daniel: Things were hairy for awhile, but, oh, I'm in great shape now.
- [the body suit is off]
- Daniel: I'm my own man now. Oh, yes.
- [pulls out fake teeth]
- Daniel: A job I could really sink my teeth into. I'll be right there, Mrs. Sellner.
- [pulls off wig and mask]
- Daniel: I don't have the same face anymore, Mrs. Sellner.