- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: [Shaft is asking the butler about Brewster] How tall was he?
- Butler: Oh, short. Very short, like you.
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: I'm six one, Milhouse.
- Butler: You are? I'm five nine and you look shorter than me.
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: You're standing on the steps.
- Butler: Oh. So I am.
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: Alright, where were you when you interviewed him?
- Butler: Here. Right here, where we are.
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: You were up there and he was down here. Is that right?
- Butler: I think so.
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: Let's see, those steps are about eight inches, so that means if he was six foot one he would have looked to you to be about 16 inches shorter. About four nine.
- Butler: Right. Under five feet. Short. Only I think I was down here.
- [He steps down to the floor]
- Butler: And he was there.
- [Shaft climbs up one step]
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: What the hell would he be doing up here?
- Butler: Well, he was short, like I said, and maybe it made him feel better.
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: [Shaft sits on the step] Alright, he was up here and you were down there. Is that right?
- Butler: Right.
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: And he looked to you to be about four foot nine?
- Butler: That's right, short.
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: Jesus Christ, Milhouse, if he was four foot nine and he was standing on sixteen inches of steps that'd make him only three foot five.
- Butler: That's right. He was short like you.
- The Lecturer: The flight of birds. The flight of man. Man's similarity to birds. Birds similarity to man. These are the subjects at hand. And we will deal with them for the next hour or so and hope that we draw no conclusions; else wise, the subject shall cease to fascinate us and, alas, another dream would be lost. There are far too few.
- The Lecturer: Social behavior. Schjelderup-Ebbe first used the word dominance in describing his observations on the social hierarchies of birds. He concluded that within a flock, composed of single species, there exists a definite order of social distinctions. And between any two birds, one invariably has precedence over the other.
- Abraham Wright: Look! McCloud, on the hood! Bird do-do. Bird do-do. Stop the car, McCloud. Stop the car! Get that thing off of there. Get it off! Hurry up, McCloud. Hurry up! Wipe it off! Make sure there's nothin' there. It'll run right threw the paint. Bird shit on the hood, God damn. I tell you. I should have never of hired you this morning. God damn, bird shit. McCloud, are you happy in your work?
- Tour Guide: Now entering the land of the Shirley Indian tribe, crew. See that temple they built? Well, you'll never guess what we call it, never. The Shirley Temple. And you know, we're thinking about paintin' that Shirley Temple black.
- Officer Douglas Breen: [At the zoo: throwing Brewster, with his expensive camera, into some bushes] Get over in there!
- Officer Douglas Breen: [Holding up a small cylindrical paper object] You know what this is?
- Brewster McCloud: A poorly rolled cigarette.
- Officer Douglas Breen: It's a marijuana cigarette. It's dope. It's dope I picked up after I saw you drop it outta' your pocket. You give me that camera and we'll forget this little matter. If ya' don't, it's one to ten. So take your pick.
- Brewster McCloud: Mister, one of us is crazy.
- Officer Douglas Breen: Oh, yeah?
- [Pulls out his badge and holds it out]
- Officer Douglas Breen: "Breen." "Narcotics."
- [a bird turd promptly splats on the badge]
- Weeks: There are times, Bernard, when a man works best alone. This is one of those times.
- Suzanne Davis: What did he mean by that?
- Bernard: I don't know, but it's something
- The Lecturer: In these words, the German poet Goethe expressed man's desire to fly, "How I yearn to throw myself into endless space and float above the awful abyss."
- The Lecturer: Man, incontestably the most advanced creature, has only to observe the flight of birds to realize the weight of the earth's imprisonment. And so, the desire to fly has been ever-present in the mind of man. But, the reality has been long in coming.
- The Lecturer: Has man truly realized his dream? To answer that, we must isolate the dream. Was the dream to attain the ability to fly? Or, was the dream the freedom that true flight seemed to offer man?
- Suzanne Davis: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Astrodome, the eighth wonder of the world. My name is Suzanne Fairest and I'll be your tour guide for the next 45 minutes to an hour. So, please feel free to ask questions at any time. And if you must leave, like to go to the bathroom or something, please notify me.
- Female Tourist: Yes. By the way, where is the bathroom?
- Suzanne Davis: Where is the bathroom? Well, there're bathrooms every 50 feet. But, they're not really bathrooms, you know. They don't have a tub or anything like that.
- The Lecturer: There could be no more shocking statement than to say the closest living relatives to men are house flies or that the butterfly evolved from a rhinoceros. But, is there any real proof? Can evolution really *prove* birds came from reptiles?
- Mrs. Breen: Douglas, Danford wants to see the monkeys. Come on, now.
- Officer Douglas Breen: Listen, here! You want that pansy son of yours to see some monkeys?
- Mrs. Breen: He's your son too!
- Officer Douglas Breen: You'll never convince me that pasty-faced pansy came out of Douglas B. Breen.
- Louise: Nothing goes on between you two, does it?
- Brewster McCloud: Me and Hope?
- Louise: She seems so passionate.
- Brewster McCloud: I really didn't notice.
- Louise: Do you ever think about that sort of thing?
- Brewster McCloud: What?
- Louise: Girls, you know. Sex.
- Brewster McCloud: Louise, I think you've been talking to Hope. She just asked the the exact same thing.
- Brewster McCloud: Why do you always ask me about Hope?
- Louise: Because she's passionate. She can involve you.
- Brewster McCloud: Involve me? In what?
- Louise: Sex.
- Brewster McCloud: Is Hope really like that?
- Louise: People like accept what's been told to them. They don't think they can be free. They don't even believe they can be free. Their sex is the closest thing they have to...
- Brewster McCloud: Fly.
- Louise: Yes. Fly.
- Brewster McCloud: Don't they want to fly?
- Louise: Oh, yes, at first. But something happens to them as they grow. They turn more and more toward Earth. When they experience sex, they simply settle for it and procreate more on their own kind. That's why you must never be tempted.
- Mrs. Breen: Come on Douglas, Danford wants to see the monkeys.
- Officer Douglas Breen: Shut up! I'll go when I'm damn good and ready, you hear?
- Mrs. Breen: Don't you want to see the monkeys, Douglas?
- Officer Douglas Breen: If I wanna see some monkeys, I'll go over to niggertown.
- Weeks: I can't put into words how I personally feel about this brave officer who died so nobly.
- Det. Capt. Crandall: Bull shit.
- Weeks: Speaking for myself and my entire staff...
- Det. Capt. Crandall: Save it, Weeks. Breen was a bad cop. That camera was hot, for Christ's sake. He was a thief; as well as, a shake-down artist.
- Weeks: May I remind you that he died in the line of duty.
- Det. Capt. Crandall: He was on vacation.
- The Lecturer: Courtship is ordinarily the province of the male. He shows his wares before the female, with an astonishing assortment of tricks, varying according to the species. He may posture, so as to reveal his gaudiest nuptial plumage, spread his tail and erect his crest or inflate brilliantly colored pouches or parade, dance, fly with dizzying acrobatics, sing his most fetching love song.
- Det. Capt. Crandall: I know bird shit when I see it. Now, I suggest we drop this bird shit, shit, and settle down for some old fashioned police work!
- Officer Douglas Breen: Hey, that's a nice lookin' camera you got there. Jap camera, ain't it?
- Brewster McCloud: Yeah, a Nikon.
- Officer Douglas Breen: Yeah, that's what I thought.
- Weeks: I'd like to go on record right now. I do not admire a man who uses others as a stepping stone to gain his own ends.
- Officer Douglas Breen: Hey, eh, you hear what the Jap girl said when she took off her brassiere? How'd you like to nip on these? You get? Nip on these, you know, tits. Nip!
- The Lecturer: The blue-footed booby will compete for the attentions of her intended by goose-stepping in front of him, raising her bright, blue feet as high as she can and thrusting out her chest.
- Officer Douglas Breen: Hey, that must have set you back a pretty penny.
- Brewster McCloud: This was a present from my grandfather.
- Officer Douglas Breen: What's your grandfather? Some Jew millionaire?
- The Lecturer: Courtship activities have the further function of regulating the timing of sex readiness; so that the reproductive physiology of a pair may be synchronized. This is particularly important in a flying animal; which cannot afford to carry indefinitely the extra ballast of greatly enlarged gonads.
- Officer Johnson: It was a mess, sir. You should have seen her.
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: Molested?
- Officer Johnson: Molested?
- Det. Lt. Frank Shaft: Sexually. Was she sexually assaulted?
- Officer Johnson: Oh, no. But, she sure was a mess, sir.
- Abraham Wright: Don't you ever do that when I'm talkin' to you! What do you mean puttin' that window up? God damn, fag. You know somethin' McCloud? You are nothing but a fag. God damn faggot!
- Hope: Brewster, what's the difference between rose hips and regular vitamin C?
- Brewster McCloud: They're organic.
- Hope: What does organic mean?
- Brewster McCloud: Hope, you're the one who works at the health food store. You're the one that's supposed to know that.
- Hope: Mrs. Harper never tells me anything. She just yells at me.