Two for the Road (1967)
Audrey Hepburn: Joanna Wallace
Photos
Quotes
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Mark Wallace : Do you know what marriage is?
Joanna Wallace : Hmm, you tell me, and see if we're thinking of the same thing.
Mark Wallace : Marriage is when the woman tells the man to take off his pajamas... and it's because, she wants to send them to the laundry.
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Mark Wallace : Just wish that you'd stop sniping.
Joanna Wallace : I haven't said a word!
Mark Wallace : Just because you use a silencer doesn't mean you're not a sniper.
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Joanna Wallace : At least you're not a bad-tempered, disorganized, conceited failure anymore. You're a bad-tempered, disorganized, conceited success.
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Mark Wallace : What kind of people just sit like that without a word to say to each other?
Joanna Wallace : Married people?
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Mark Wallace : Are you a virgin?
[Joanna seems shocked by the question]
Mark Wallace : Thought you were. Can always tell.
Joanna Wallace : Congratulations.
Mark Wallace : I was two years at the University of Chicago.
Joanna Wallace : Studying virgin detection?
Mark Wallace : Only at night school.
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Mark Wallace : [Joanna has returned from an affair] Hello.
Joanna Wallace : Hello.
Mark Wallace : Well?
Joanna Wallace : [softly, on the verge of tears] I'm back.
Mark Wallace : Enjoy yourself?
Joanna Wallace : [nods] Yes, thank you. But I *missed* you.
[Mark sarcastically rolls his eyes, not believing her]
Joanna Wallace : I *did*.
Mark Wallace : Why?
Joanna Wallace : Because he's so serious.
Mark Wallace : I thought you liked people who were serious.
Joanna Wallace : But he's *so* serious.
Mark Wallace : Well, I'd better make some funny faces...
Joanna Wallace : [softly] You don't need to make funny faces.
[Mark gives no response]
Joanna Wallace : Mark, I'm back!
Mark Wallace : You humiliate me. You humiliate me... and then you come back.
Joanna Wallace : [nods tearfully] That's right.
Mark Wallace : Thank God!
[he hugs her and they tearfully kiss]
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Mark Wallace : Why is it whenever you give a woman everything she wants, you get so bloody minded.
Joanna Wallace : You don't give me everything I want, you give me everything you want to give me.
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[Before getting married, hitchhikers Mark and Joanna spend a night in a hotel together, laying in bed]
Mark Wallace : This is definitely against my principles.
Joanna Wallace : Good. I wouldn't like to think that it happened all the time.
Mark Wallace : I had absolutely no intention of sleeping in hotels.
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Mark Wallace : We agreed before we were married we weren't gonna have any children.
Joanna Wallace : And before we were married we *didn't*.
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Mark Wallace : Darling, what's French for 'Inspector, I don't believe a word you're saying and you're not gonna get a damn penny?'
Joanna Wallace : 'Oui, monsieur.'
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Joanna Wallace : [on the plane to Europe] Now, how about getting me some cigarettes?
[Mark waves done the stewardess, purchases a pack of cigarettes, gives it to Joanna]
Joanna Wallace : Thank you.
Mark Wallace : It's just that Maurice...
Joanna Wallace : He managed to persuade you that it's absolutely imperative that we get to Saint-Tropez by the day before yesterday. Why do you always get taken in?
Mark Wallace : Well, baby, that's how it is, okay?
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[first lines]
Joanna Wallace : [referring to a pair of newlyweds seated in the back of a Rolls Royce] They don't look very happy.
Mark Wallace : Why should they? They just got married.
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Joanna Wallace : [upset] You just want me to become a beautiful memory, the sooner the better!
Mark Wallace : Who said anything about beautiful?
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Mark Wallace : [Mark and Joanna's car is on fire] Water!
Joanna Wallace : Oh! But where?
Mark Wallace : Find some!
Joanna Wallace : Here, here.
[she hands Mark a bottle of water]
Mark Wallace : [he pours the water on the engine]
Joanna Wallace : Oh! It likes water!
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Joanna Wallace : What sort of people sit in a restaurant and don't even try to talk to each other?
Mark Wallace : Married people.
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Mark Wallace : You promised when we were married, you'd always be happy, no matter what.
Joanna Wallace : I know!
Mark Wallace : Why can't you always be happy, no matter what?
Joanna Wallace : Because I can't.
Mark Wallace : You mean you broke your promise.
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Joanna Wallace : What do people have rows about, dear?
Mark Wallace : Money, sex. Sex, money. He wants, she doesn't want.
Joanna Wallace : She wants, he doesn't want.
Mark Wallace : He thinks that the counter is all in the wrong place.
Joanna Wallace : Counter and display cases. It's very funny.
Mark Wallace : Yeah, that's marriage for you.
Joanna Wallace : That's marriage for them.
Mark Wallace : That's marriage. Full stop.
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Joanna Wallace : Shouldn't get too much sun the first day.
Mark Wallace : I don't burn. I've got asbestos skin.
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[Joanna waves her hand suspiciously over her drink]
Mark Wallace : What are you doing?
Joanna Wallace : Just trying to discover where the strings are attached.
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Joanna Wallace : [voiceover] You haven't been happy since the day we met, have you? If only you were 10 years younger and you knew what you know now.
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Mark Wallace : [Joanna handing Mark the phone] Who is it now?
Joanna Wallace : Caroline.
Mark Wallace : Caroline? Who's that?
Joanna Wallace : Caroline Wallace. Your daughter.
Mark Wallace : Oh, Caroline.
[takes the phone]
Mark Wallace : Hello. How's my little girl, huh?
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Mark Wallace : If you want to live in one half of a suburban shoebox, like your parents, you married the wrong man.
Joanna Wallace : I don't want to live in one half of a suburban shoebox.
[kiss]
Joanna Wallace : And I married the wrong man.
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Joanna Wallace : [voiceover] The girls were patty about you and so, Heaven knows, were you.
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Mark Wallace : I think we were damn lucky to get the place, frankly.
Joanna Wallace : I think we'll be damn lucky to get out of it, frankly.
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Mark Wallace : Why don't you put a very British sock in it.
Joanna Wallace : Why don't you put a hard-boiled egg in it.
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Mark Wallace : Do you want me to take your picture?
Joanna Wallace : No. No-no.
Mark Wallace : This is really a three-dimensional - camera. It's really meant for photographing three-dimensional subjects.
Joanna Wallace : I'm three-dimensional, as a matter of fact.
Mark Wallace : Well, it's basically for buildings.
Joanna Wallace : Well, I'm not a building.
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Mark Wallace : I always thought American women would be different. I thought in America they'd broken the inhibitions barrier and it was all one long sex feast.
Joanna Wallace : No?
Mark Wallace : But no. But no. The nicely brought-up American girl plays cool and modern. but what she wants - is what her grandmother wanted: Your head stuffed and mounted on the living room wall.
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Joanna Wallace : I think Howard's wonderful the way he organizes everything.
Cathy Manchester : He's not an efficiency consultant for nothing. Are you, Sweetness?
Mark Wallace : If he were, he wouldn't be married to you, Honey.
[Cathy purrs like a cat]
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Joanna Wallace : Must we dice with death? Since when has this car got only two speeds, 110 and stop?
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Mark Wallace : I warn you.
Joanna Wallace : Don't.
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Cathy Manchester : This may sound absolutely ridiculous to you. I know that you love Ruthie, but she doesn't seem to realize it. I don't think you're getting through to her. She's gotten the idea that you are hostile to her. May I make a suggestion? Why don't you woo her a little bit?
Joanna Wallace : Woo her?
Cathy Manchester : That's right, woo her a little bit.
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Mark Wallace : Who are you?
Joanna Wallace : Some girl.
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Mark Wallace : Let's find a hotel.
Joanna Wallace : One o'clock in the afternoon. What do we want a hotel for? Let's find a hotel.
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Joanna Wallace : Do you mind undoing what you did?
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Joanna Wallace : Will you be unfaithful to me?
Mark Wallace : Blatantly.
Joanna Wallace : No!
Mark Wallace : You promised I could.
Joanna Wallace : You promised you wouldn't. When we got married.
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Mark Wallace : When did you start being as snide as this?
Joanna Wallace : Right after we got married, didn't I?
Mark Wallace : Did we get married?
Joanna Wallace : Yeah. Remember? When sex stopped being fun.
Mark Wallace : Oh yeah. It started being official. Yeah, I remember.
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Joanna Wallace : I don't have any suitable clothes for a gala.
Francoise Dalbret : Then I borrow you.
Mark Wallace : There you are. Francoise will borrow you.
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Joanna Wallace : You know what I dreamt?
Mark Wallace : What did you dream?
Joanna Wallace : I dreamt that a train drove slap-bang through the middle of the room in the night.
Mark Wallace : Mr. Freud, what big ears you've got.
Joanna Wallace : Oh, the better to analyze you with, my dear.
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Joanna Wallace : I won't ever let you down.
Mark Wallace : I will you.
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Mark Wallace : You were marvelous, darling. Absolutely marvelous!
Joanna Wallace : I was?
Mark Wallace : And so funny! The way you told the story about the sunshade. You charmed the pants off Palamos.
Joanna Wallace : That wouldn't be too difficult to do, would it?
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Joanna Wallace : You won't be sorry, sir.
Mark Wallace : You will.
Joanna Wallace : Never. Never, never, never, never.
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Joanna Wallace : I'm tired of being a parasite. I want to go. I want to be on our own.
Mark Wallace : We haven't been here very long.
Joanna Wallace : We've been here month after month for two whole days.
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Mark Wallace : I don't understand sex.
Joanna Wallace : Don't worry, it doesn't show.
Mark Wallace : Seriously, why is it we enjoy it more and it means less.
Joanna Wallace : Because it isn't personal anymore.
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Joanna Wallace : I love happy endings.
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Joanna Wallace : Why do you think I'm here?
Mark Wallace : I don't know. That's the whole thing.
Joanna Wallace : That's the whole thing, you never stop to think.
Mark Wallace : I've stopped to think.
Joanna Wallace : Stop thinking.
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Mark Wallace : You're just plain immoral.
Joanna Wallace : How can it be immoral if we're married?
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Joanna Wallace : They'll never be anyone else like you in my life.