- [on being told he was being awarded an honorary knighthood] What an honor and what a surprise for a boy born in England, raised in Cleveland and schooled in vaudeville.
- Golf is my real profession--show business pays my greens fees.
- You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
- [on his 100th birthday] I'm so old, they've canceled my blood type.
- [at the height of the Cold War] We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.
- [When asked by his wife where he wanted to be buried] Surprise me.
- I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
- Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be, "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life--doing nothing for each other!"
- Welcome to the Academy Awards--or as it's known at my house, Passover.
- [referring to the Academy Awards ceremonies] Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.
- I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.
- [At the Academy Awards] We're all here to celebrate Oscar--or as he's known at my house, The Fugitive!
- [referring to the Academy Awards ceremonies] Welcome to "You Bet Your Career."
- [at the 50th Anniversary Academy Awards, referring to Oscar Winners Tribute Sequence] They've all got their Oscars. But are they happy?
- [1991] Remember me? The Macaulay Culkin of 1927.
- [At the Academy Awards] To all you losers, remember there's a bright side to all of this: you can still run for Governor.
- [In reference to Macaulay Culkin] I remember when they handed out the Oscars in 1927; I was Home Alone, too!
- Personally, I never drink on Oscar nights, as it interferes with my suffering.
- I love Oscar, that little bald head. I didn't know Sinéad O'Connor had children!
- [In reference to the Academy Awards] It's wonderful to be here in person. I couldn't be here in spirit, so I'm here in person.
- [1991] Remember, you kids, always pay to get into the movies; the Japanese need the money.
- [referring to Macaulay Culkin] That kid's getting $5 million for his next picture. For this we need child labor laws?
- They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it.
- People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
- [on Vincent Price] He always loved a good joke. Moreover, he was kind enough to laugh at jokes that weren't so good.
- [referring to both the film release of "Mommie Dearest" (Mommie Dearest (1981)), the biography of Joan Crawford written by her daughter Christina Crawford, and the equally scathing book about Bette Davis, written by her daughter] Now I know why tigers eat their young.
- I was lucky, you know, I always had a beautiful girl and the money was good. Although I would have done the whole thing over for, oh, perhaps half.
- I do benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
- [on Jane Russell] Don't let her fool you. Tangle with her and she'll shingle your attic.
- [on Katharine Hepburn] This dame is terrific--and expert in her craft and so electrifying on set that if you don't watch out, you're likely to wind up as part of the scenery.
- [on Bing Crosby] A lot of people think that Bing was a loner, but Bing was a very loyal friend.
- [on Dorothy Lamour] Dottie was fearless. She stands there before the camera and ad libs with Bing Crosby and me, fully knowing the way the script's written, she'll come up second or third best.
- [when asked why he didn't run for President of the United States] I thought about it. But my wife said she wouldn't want to move into a smaller house.
- [on Jack Benny] He didn't just stand on the stage. He owned it.
- [on MGM chief Louis B. Mayer] Louis B. Mayer came out west with $28.00, a box camera and an old lion. He built a monument to himself--the Bank of America.
- [on Samuel Goldwyn, while Hope and co-star Bing Crosby were shooting Road to Morocco (1942)] Dave [director David Butler] ordered the assistant director to station the phone for "The Road to Morocco" a block and a half away from the set where we were working [to discourage Hope and Crosby from spending so much time on the phone and holding up production]. Not only that, the telephone was installed under a pile of lumber so that anyone answering it would have to slide horizontally to pick up the receiver. That worked well until the day that Sam Goldwyn called. David Butler trudged across the soundstage and into the next one and slid under the lumber pile. "Hello, Sam, what is it?" Dave said. Goldwyn was working on the script that Dave was to direct next . . . For fifteen minutes Goldwyn expounded on the intricacies of the story while "The Road to Morocco" company waited. Finally Goldwyn said, "Thanks very much for calling me" and hung up.
- [on Grauman's Chinese Theater] The is the first time I knew this was a theater. I always thought it was the place where [Darryl F. Zanuck] sent his laundry.
- I can't drink like [Lee Marvin], grunt like [Rod Steiger], enunciate like [Laurence Olivier]. And when it comes to [Richard Burton], I'm really in trouble.
- Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.
- Leaving [Richard Burton] alone in Paris is like leaving Jackie Gleason locked in a delicatessen.
- [Hosting the Oscars, 1967] I will not seek nor will I accept an Oscar. Actually, I have a deal with the Academy. They'll negotiate if I stop bombing.
- Pictures have been really wild this year, haven't they? Oscar has been more naked than usual. They're doing things on the screen today I wouldn't do in bed--even if I had the chance.
- [Jokingly, referring to his wife's singing "Silent Night' to troops in Vietnam] The last thing these guys needed was sentiment. Dolores became their mother. What they needed was Raquel Welch.
- [on hosting the Oscars, when [The Godfather Part II (1974) was in nomination] Neither Mr. Price nor Mr. Waterhouse has been heard from for days. I'm wearing a tuxedo with a bullet-proof cummerbund. Who knows what will happen if Al Pacino doesn't win?
- [at a USO show, 1943] Were the soldiers at the last camp happy to see me! They actually got down on their knees. What a spectacle! What a tribute! What a crap game!
- I led such a sheltered life I didn't go out with girls until I was almost four.
- When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things--not the great occasions--give off the greatest glow of happiness.
- [on having six brothers] That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.
- [on growing up in poverty] Four of us slept in one bed. When it got cold mother threw on another brother.
- [on turning 100] I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
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