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Spirited (2022)
An Unpleasant, Chaotic Mess.
Spirited can't seem to be able to decide which it hates more, Christmas, musicals, or you the audience.
Musicals are not for everyone, but truly great musicals have a broad appeal. Spirited is neither great nor remotely appealing. These musical numbers are written so blandly that the film tries repeatedly to circumvent criticism by having its own characters complain about them during their performances.
Spirited forgoes the timeless sense of wonder and eerie existential dread of Dickens' classic, and instead opts for loud, over complicated dance numbers and production design. (Apologies to the dancers here, who do a phenomenal job, but only serve to add to the constant visual assault.) There are no moments of quiet reflection in Spirited. It's a ceaseless stream of smirking, unfunny, current day catch phrases. A holiday film complaining about disinformation and baby boomers in the first 20 minutes is painfully unfunny today, and will become increasingly so a year from now.
There is much ado over updating timeless classics for the coveted "modern audiences." What's lacking though, is an understanding of why works such as "A Christmas Carol" have stood the test of time specifically due to their very relatability to every generation for nearly 200 years. The writers of Spirited have very little idea how to relate to "modern audiences" or any other audience for that matter. Ryan Reynolds' character is vilified as being devisive and polarizing on social media, but then the film gleefully attacks only one particular half of the American public.
To undergo a retelling of a classic literary work, a prerequisite should be (at a minimum) to have some understanding of the original work. These writers don't even understand who Jacob Marley is. Why would he be the first spirit Reynolds meets? They have zero history. Wouldn't his dead sister be the more sensible choice?
Alas no. That choice would require thought, and Spirited doesn't want to think, not when it can simply reinforce the prejudices Apple TV creators already have about most of America.
Ultimately, Spirited is insulting, but if you'd prefer the ghost of Christmas past have sex with Reynolds rather than reminding him of his past, then perhaps this is the film for you and your family. Otherwise, copies of Dickens' original are still available.
Inside Man (2022)
Star power wasted on terrible writing
Absolutely abysmal writing. It's hard to convey in words how stupid all of these characters must be for this plot to exist. Surely the intent was to slowly build tension, but the experience here is more akin to irritation - as David Tennant makes increasingly stupid choices to cover for his previous stupid choices. The honest truth is that halfway through episode 3, I paused the stream in a fit of frustration and thought to myself, what is the dumbest way this situation in the basement could resolve itself? I didn't realize just how prophetic my guess would be. Frankly, I'm ashamed to be on a such a similar wavelength as Moffat.
You'll find yourself cursing this show, and it's writers, and eventually yourself for watching it. It's much too late for me, but you may still avoid the anguish.
Also, be warned: If you're enjoying Stanley Tucci's performance in episode one, you'll be surprised how little he appears in the rest of the show, and how irrelevant he is to the proceedings.
Terror on the Prairie (2022)
Embarrassing and Frustrating
I very much wanted to like this western from Hollywood outsiders Daily Wire and Gina Carano.
Unfortunately, the plot is irritatingly dumb. Every decision made by each and every character in Terror on the Prairie only makes sense if everyone in the film is an idiot.
It's frustrating and laughable, and you'll spend much of the runtime shouting at your screen: "Shoot him, you idiot!" Spoilers: She doesn't.
There is a simple enough story of Western style vengeance running underneath everything and driving the main action, but as it slowly unfolds we can hardly muster any will to care about it. A character will be dutifully reciting his requisite backstory, while all we can think is: "Someone should have shot you a long time ago."
I will continue to support Daily Wire and Carano in all their endeavors, but this is a terrible film.
I Care a Lot (2020)
Stylish and Unpleasant
Some people will call this a searing critique of late stage capitalism. For them, lines like "You're part of the one percent now," and "Rich people don't follow the rules" are deeply insightful. This is a film written by people who don't understand capitalism for an audience that doesn't understand it either.
Much of the film hinges on what the late Roger Ebert referred to as 'The Idiot Plot.' For the heroines to succeed, everyone else in the movie must be an idiot. Judges and lawyers are buffoons, police are practically nonexistent, and after about the 4th round of Peter Dinklage's minions bungling their assignments I began to wish the main characters would get hit by an errant bus. This isn't unwarranted. The film asks you to root for a pair of terrible woman but forgets to give you a reason why. Resentment is a more reasonable reaction, and attempts are made to quell this with aesthetic choices. The slick production and loud, edgy soundtrack give the film a stylish flair, but this is a dreadfully stupid movie.
Run Hide Fight (2020)
Surprisingly decent action
Critic reviews will prattle on about the lack of psychological depth - which is strange because critics rarely feel the need to point out deeper psychological meaning in the latest Marvel or Terminator films. They'll describe it pejoratively as Die Hard in a school, as if the very nature of this premise makes it a terrible idea. They believe that any real life tragedy renders narratives with similar concepts completely off limits. Fear not, simpletons! Our cultural elites will exert their influence to police what stories are allowed to be told, and protect our feeble minds from feeling... anything. Reviewers are tiresome, fearful of their peers, and remain completely out of touch with moviegoing audiences.
Run Hide Fight is Die Hard in a school, and it's glorious. We've all witnessed tragic school shootings splayed across our news feeds. We've wept seeing the terrible loss of life, and boiled with rage over the incompetence of the agencies meant to protect us. It isn't necessary to wallow in our collective misery for another hour and forty nine minutes. It's time for a different story. A story where the villains fail. Where a hero rises. Where a courageous young woman can be believably resilient for a change.
This is an action film. This is good versus evil. This has characters making inspiring, selfless choices. It features surprisingly strong performances, engages throughout, and wears its Die Hard similarities proudly.
No, Run Hide Fight is not the film critics want it to be. And we are all the better for it.
News of the World (2020)
A western for the anti-American age.
News of the World languishes self-indulgently for most of its runtime, and you'll find yourself asking "What's the point?" Fear not, if you miss its blatant messaging in the beginning, you'll be hit over the head with it halfway through.
The message is simple:
America is a terrible, prejudiced country rooted in pure evil. The only hope for salvation lies in the almighty, virtuous press.
If you enjoy your westerns with a healthy dose of hatred for the country and the people who lived in it, this is the film for you.
Holidate (2020)
New Genre: Angry Rom-Com
Welcome to the end of 2020, where writing comedy only requires jamming dialogue full of raunchy expletives.
Emma Roberts, usually charming, appears embarrassed here delivering lines that seem to drain all life from her face. All dialogue in this film is ugly and downright vile. Even the clichéd final dramatic confession speech is skin crawling... "I f___ed up... I've had more fun with you in the last year than I've had with all my loser ex boyfriends combined."
It's a film where all the characters continuously says nasty things, and their faces must contort to properly express them. The resulting angry line deliveries leave once beautiful actresses looking constantly ugly on camera.
Holidate is an angry, cynical film, and you may find yourself pondering whether the screenplay was written by a man who hates women, or perhaps by a woman who hates women.
The Christmas Chronicles: Part Two (2020)
Lacking everything that made the original so magical
The original Christmas Chronicles was a lovely, unsuspected surprise. In it, Santa was portrayed as a mysterious, mischievous elf focused on a mission of great importance. Kurt Russell played Santa with an impish glow in his eyes that let you know Santa was always in control, even as he pretended not to be for the benefit of his underage sidekicks.
Gone is that magical confidence and mystery, now replaced by the standard Hollywood caricature of white suburban, clueless, failed father figure.
More egregious is the nearly complete elimination of the wonderful relationship between siblings Kate and Teddy which mended so beautifully in the first film. Teddy disappears for most of this sequel's runtime to make way for Jack, the annoying, nagging, soon-to-be stepbrother whose main character arc seems to be about conquering... I dunno, Hypochondria? Fear of heights? Or perhaps just self autonomy in general? Not that it matters, his character is handled so poorly he becomes irrelevant to what little story we're given.
Most irritating is the addition of Julian Dennison as a morbidly obese elf /estranged son archetype determined to destroy Santa's North Pole operation in order to... make daddy notice him and rule Christmas from his own stronghold at the South Pole.
Dennison is a curious case. A quick search through IMDB doesn't reveal nepotism or any other explanation as to why he he is allowed to appear in front of a camera. He clearly doesn't belong. His earnest, saccharin line deliveries are unintentionally hilarious. Woefully miscast in Deadpool's sequel, here Dennison's appearance is bordering on offensive. Seriously casting agents, what are you doing?
Clearly a sequel COULD have been written that made good use of these new diversity-fueled casting choices. Sadly no attempt was made. The makers of this film seem to believe their inclusion should be enough.
The twinkle in Kurt Russel's eye is gone. Now his eyes seem to be apologizing for this abysmally depressing failure of a holiday film.