Reviews

Every once in a bluish brown moon a poem, essay, TV show, or movie will strike you in a way that is too intricate to describe in words. Luckily the only thing this movie struck was a chord similar to one strummed by the fingerless guitarist. The old saying "It made me want to tear my eyes out", is no sailor jargon....it's the truth. My friend Leonard needed corrective surgery on his left eye after watching Bug. It's left him with serious retinal damage. He now goes by the name Lazy Left Eye Leonard. But back to why we're all here. Ashley Judd who is known to take promising roles; Kiss the Girls, A Time To Kill, and Heat..must have been high before saying yes to this script. To tell you the truth I'd rather have her mother Wynonna sing me country ballads for six hours straight rather than watch Ashley put her career in "Double Jeopardy." People always come up and ask me "Dave what do you rate this movie?" As a matter of fact a little boy came up to me today and asked "Dave, What do you rank Bug?" And I looked at him and his crooked oddly shaped teeth, and said "little boy..I rank it one middle finger up."

I love big blockbuster horror movies for no other reason that that of the usual poor acting, weak plots, and the excruciating pain it takes to sit through each film. So Black Christmas was a must see. And it lived up to all those expectations. Michelle Trachtenberg played Melissa in the movie. Trachtenberg has been in many shows and movies such as Pete & Pete and Harriet the Spy. Not even Harriet could figure out how this movie made it into production. This movie had as much to do with Christmas as Seal has to do with modeling for the Gap. Seal with a Puppy would make me throw up on a sweater, let alone buy one. I say Seal sticks with comparing girls to being kissed from a rose on the "grey". I always thought it was "Grave", but whatever, it really makes no sense either way. But this isn't about Seal, its about the art of cinema. Towards the end the movie, it became so ridiculous that I started thinking of names to call my beagle when I'm 30. I would go into a zen like focus coming up with great ones like Max, Sam, and Bartalby. But then I was interrupted by pointless murders that just wouldn't be physically possible even if both Hulks; The Incredible one and Hogan, were inflicting that type of pain. If by some strange reason you are forced to watch this movie, simply fake a death. I find heart-attack and gun shot wound to work the best.

This movie gives hope to any and every struggling screen writer who thinks there script isn't good enough. This movie evolved slower than Mo'Niques mile time. M. Night Shyamalans American Express commercial was scarier than this pile of dung. All I remember is seeing an eagle fighting off killer monkeys who were jumping out of trees. This movie was as far fetched as a sitcom going two seasons straight on upn. I genuinely hated this movie. I debated walking out of the theater several times. The Chinese girls mom was the worst actress to come appear on the big screen since Janeane Garofalo. I've been more excited during an episode of Daria than idiot in the water. Paul Giamatti does a great job as usual but his character was hard to believe. He stuttered more than the word "NA" is used in the Clarissa Explains it All theme song. He said napkin like so...........Na Na Na Na Na Napkin. He may have not said napkin, but M. Night Shyamalan should use a napkin to wipe the failure off his face after I punch it.

Where do I begin you ask? I begin by saying i would have rather watched 16 episodes of Hey Dude, then proceed to watch an encore presentation of Sister Sister. The tag line for this movie is "The Lucky ones die first." But I disagree. I think the tag line should have been, "The lucky ones sit next to the exits so they can get the hell out of this awful movie as fast as humanly possible." Wes craven must have had some sort of mind altering drug flowing through his system when he wrote this movie in 1977. But the kind of drug that alters you're mind to make crap. In the beginning of the movie the genius suburban family take directional advice from the clearly drunken gas station attendant. Not only would I never take advice from this guy, but even if he were to clean himself up and work a 9 to 5 steady job in an office, where hes well respected by his fellow co-workers, and in the next couple weeks would definitely close the Johnson deal that has been frustrating the boss for weeks, I still wouldn't trust him with stapling the morning memo. I advise all to stay away. If you want to see Wes Cravens work see The People under the Stairs, or scream......well just people under the stairs.

This movie had as much potential as the no legged man trying to sign up for the foot race. Listen, I genuinely don't know where to start when talking about this train wreck. For starters I thought The New Adventures of Pipi Longstocking was a scarier film. I found myself frustrated with every second that passed. All I could think about was that if someone dies from a computer generated image called the boogeyman, then they deserve to die. Simple as that. I finally know what movie they must show in hell all day long. This movie did however fulfill one request that I hoped for; it ended. Barry Watson who played Matt Camden in the WB show 7th Heaven was the leading role in the film......I have no punch line here, thats the joke. This movie was so boring that Ben Stein and Eeyore themselves talking about world issues could've lightened up the mood. The director and crew must have been drunk during the entire production of this movie. If they weren't then, they sure as hell are now.

You must go see this movie!!!....if your a moron. This disasterpiece was doomed right from the get go, basically because the main plot is about how fog spreads through the town killing everyone in its path. I didn't know saturated air could be deadly, Who would have thunk it?! I cant believe someone could go to sleep assured knowing they wrote a movie about a frigen cloud that kills people. They must have skipped film class and went straight to idiot 101. Maggie Grace who plays Elizabeth in the movie, stars in the hit TV show "Lost", and thats exactly where she and the 8 other people in the country who saw this film were; completely lost. Tom Welling who plays Clark Kent in the WB series "Smallville" made his appearance as Nick in the movie. Even Superman couldn't stop this film from plunging to the bottom of the box offices. This movie was released on DVD faster than Apolo Ohno's gold winning time in the 500M last month. If this movie could speak it would say "I suck, never see me", and we would all laugh and agree then punch it in the face several times.

This is a movie about 5 or 6 Highschool kids that start a rumor that a killer is on campus. Each student dies one by one throughout the movie and so do their careers. If I were an actor in this movie I would have prayed they killed me off first so I could get the hell off set. This film was unrated, but could have been rated G...for "god awful". There was no violence or nudity, which took my focus straight out of the movie. Also the Chinese girl fits into this film as much as the fat kid who sits in front of you in philosophy class fits into his seat. Somehow these kids had the vocabulary of Harvard grads, yet when they try to execute their stupid game, they fail at a sixth grade level. I would rather sit through seven consecutive episodes of "Tyra" than go through that modern day torture again.

This movie is one of the worst movies to be put on film since The Blair Witch Project. The Actor who plays Ted could barely walk let alone act. Listening to the back and fourth dialog was as good as torture and the actors couldn't have landed a role in a elementary school play. Not only was the writing poor but the plot has more holes in it then a homeless mans shirt. The ending could go down in history as one of the worst ever. It was a pathetic attempt to create a modern day "Shining" It failed worse than Tom Greens attempt to do a late night talk show. You're better off spending five dollars on an uncooked burger from Arbys than rent this movie. Two words to sum up this movie "Putrid Misery".