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Reviews
The Girlfriend Experience (2009)
A slice of an escort's life is in fact very, very, boring.
First of all, the editing was just AWFUL; the cinematography was almost as awful.
Without going into much detail, there are about 10 or so actual "scenes" in the movie, and it keeps cutting between all of them in a random fashion. Often times the movie would introduce a character, and then cut to a scene completely unrelated to the character who was just being discussed.
The camera work was shoddy at best. At points the film almost seemed like a documentary with the way that the camera would focus only on one person during a two-way conversation, leading the viewer to believe that the scene was an in-movie interview.
The film is labeled "comedy", but there was almost 0 comedy in the movie. The acting was decent, but Sasha Grey just seemed like some slab of meat that really has no emotions whatsoever. For some odd reason, she is considered "one of the best" in the business. I guess when you're super rich, women who can't make meaningful responses make ideal partners.
The music was also terrible. Often times it was completely inappropriate for the scene (Think the Team America "**** yeah!" song playing during the Lion King when Simba's dad dies).
The only redeeming feature about the movie is that Sasha Grey undresses several times.
The Hills Have Eyes (2006)
Below average movie: Here is how they could improve it.
The director really couldn't decide where he was going with this movie. I think he was trying to go for the "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" effect but ended up with a movie that was a very bad horror in the first half and a decent action in the second half.
There are certain parts of the movie that could be edited out entirely- the entire first third of the movie except the first 10 or 15 minutes could have been taken out with no effect on the plot. The main part that needs to be removed is the section concerning the gas station. This is how the movie progressed:
1. Talks about nuclear weapons testing which resulted in mutants. five min 2. Family traveling near testing area. three min 3. Gasses up, is sent into the dangerous zone by the gas attendant. FORTY MINUTES. 4. Crashes in danger zone. five minutes 5. "Dad" goes off and dies. five minutes *At this point, the supposed horror movie becomes an action movie* 6. Women are raped, Baby is stolen. ten minutes 7. The other guy goes on a killing spree to get his baby back. forty-five minutes 8. End.
This is a very rough summary of time spent in each main "portion" of the movie, and as the reader of this can see, almost a third of the movie was devoted to the gas station portion where pretty much nothing happened, except that the gas attendant became angry at a woman for going through his bag and sent them to their death. The director needs to change the movie into either a complete horror, or a complete action movie.
Ball & Chain (2004)
Horrible, horrible movie. DO NOT WATCH IT, JUST READ MY SUMMARY
This movie was just absolutely horrible. I live in Canada, and it cost my friends and I $5.91 to rent this movie. I wish I had bought some rat poison instead. Before I get any deeper into the movie, I want to tell everyone about the votings: there were so many 10's, I couldn't believe it. It MUST be true that they just got extras to vote. My friends and I actually FAST-FORWARDED through 2/3's of the movie because it was so crappy. Anyways: on to the movie, with obvious *******SPOILERS********* not that it matters, I would've saved you money and time.
Basically, this movie has 2 separate plots: One of the Indian guy from harold and kumar being forced into an arranged marriage with a chick with braces, the other of some guy loving this girl with a very traditionally Indian father. These 2 plot lines are completely unrelated except that the main character from both plot lines are both friends and both work at a gay fashion club. (not kidding).
Kumar's story line disappears halfway through the movie and I don't think we ever see him again. He just... disappears.
The other guy ends up marrying the girl of his dreams.
Throughout the movie, there are weird meaningless interjections. For example, in one part of the movie where the female protagonist is talking with her suppressive dad, the camera keeps panning over to this Indian show her father is watching of two guys in festive gold plating talking to each other. we literally see about 2 minutes of the show her dad is watching, while talking to her daughter in a non-chalant and far-off manner.
For future reference to the people who have worked on this movie, please try to give movies a PLOT, and COHERENCE, so your audience actually knows what the hell is going on.
Sideways (2004)
Is it possible to enjoy this movie if you are not similar to the 2 characters?
This movie was just way too slow for my liking. Not to mention that as an 18 year old, I cannot relate to these characters in any way, shape, or form. Although I'll admit that I favor movies like Die Hard and Lethal weapon, I thought I could enjoy a slow-paced movie; unfortunately, that was not the case. I rented and watched it with 2 friends, and it went on for what literally seemed like 3 hours. I looked at the clock and saw that only 2 hours had gone by.
I guess I'm making a post to find out whether I'm too uneducated and don't get the humor in it, or because the the director didn't mean for this movie to be watched by teenagers.