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What If...?: What If... Hela Found the Ten Rings? (2023)
Take Thor, but put a chick in it and make it lame
In the words of South Park, take the story of Thor, but put a chick in it and make it lame. That's what this episode is. All this series wants to do, especially in Season 2, is just take great storylines from the MCU, swap out the male characters for female, and make it lame. Not only that, but it complexity disrespects Odin, turns him into a bad guy, and make him job for Hela. Really?! You going to take the All Father, the mightiest of the Gods, and let Hela beat him in a battle AND give him a lesson in morality? This episode infuriated me.
The only good part of this episode was Kate Blanchet gave a great performance as Hela and had some pretty good lines.
What If...?: What If... Kahhori Reshaped the World? (2023)
One of the worst entries into the MCU
There is so much wrong with this episode. First, virtually the entire episode is either in the Mohawk native language or Spanish with subtitles. What was the point of that? We know they aren't speaking English. But we are forced to endure their foreign language for no other reason than to make it appear "authentic." They could have just as easily pulled a "Hunt For Red October," and transitioned from their language into English.
Next, this Kahhori girl is just outright annoying. Who even is she? Is she going to be revealed as an ancestor to Echo? If so, I like her even less. I don't know if it was just the sound of her language, but her voice was unbearable. And she was such a Mary Sue character. She was able to learn her powers instantaneously, becoming the most powerful of any of the Mohawks, and, at the same time, being the moral compass to the selfish ancestors.
And if you hate Europeans, this episode is a fever dream for you. It's another instance where they portray the gentle natives vs the evil Europeans. Never mind the fact that native tribes battled for conquest for centuries before the Europeans ever stepped foot on American soil. No, they have to portray the natives as peace-loving, innocent people, and the Europeans as vicious, evil brutes out to kill and enslave the indigenous population.
I am only giving this episode a 2 because of the animation. It was well done. Other than that, this has got to be the worst episode of What If..., and that' saying something.
Black Panther: Wakanda Forever (2022)
A Disgrace to the Memory of Chadwick Boseman
I finally saw BP:WF on Disney+ (the trailers just didn't get me excited to see it in theaters). And I am so glad I didn't waste my money on tickets. This movie was terrible. I rank it near the bottom of MCU movies (only above Eternals--the absolute worst MCU film). This movie suffered from so many issues:
1. Lack of Black Panther: Granted, they lost Chadwick Boseman, but it shows they made the worst decision to not recast T'Challa or have the mantle taken up by M'Baku. To have Shuri take over as the Panther was a terrible choice. She does not have the presence to lead this franchise. And I didn't buy her abilities when she was Black Panther. They should have just left her in her lab. Heck, I would have taken a CGI T'Challa over Shuri.
2. Editing: I rarely notice editing in a movie. However, it was so bad in this film that I couldn't help but notice how choppy and jarring it was--that's how bad it is. There were fight scenes where the motion of swing would get cut short to switch to another angle which would also get cut short. It completely took away from the energy of the action. And then, during the climax, it would jump back and forth between the two fights in such a jarring way as to completely undercut both fights. And, of course, there is no excuse for a movie like this to have a run time of 2:41:00. It is way too long. I was just so bored. I checked the time a few times, and I couldn't believe how much was still left. We watched it over two days, and it still felt like it dragged on forever.
3. Lighting: It was just too dark. I could hardly see what was going on in the night scenes. And I heard this same complaint from people who saw it in theaters, so I know it wasn't just me watching it at home.
4. Music: The song choices were terrible. And they just did not fit into the scenes they were placed over. It was like they just chose music they liked and plopped it in random scenes. Again, when music pulls you out of the movie, you know you've failed. The score itself was nothing to write home about. Very bland.
5. Acting/Characters: Angela Bassett was fine. Everyone is talking her up for awards, but I don't feel it was at that level. To me, she can just get loud and angry. Letitia Wright went from playing an annoying little sister in the first one to just being uninteresting in this one. Dominique Thorne (Riri) was bland and annoying (her use in this movie was clearly to prop up her character for her upcoming Disney+ series). It only made me not want to watch it completely. But the worst performance, hands down, was Tenoch Huerta as Namor. His delivery was just abysmal. There were times I couldn't even understand him (thankfully, we had subtitles). He has now taken the top rank as the worst MCU villain of all time.
6. CGI/Design: Not great. Some of the composite shots were just embarrassing. And the design of the tech suits was laughable. When your characters mention how bad things look, that doesn't endear the audience--it just points out how bad it really is, and how you felt it was too hard to make it look good, so you just make a joke about it. The MCU has done better.
7. Plot: Totally illogical. This felt like a 1st draft. I know that they had to redo things when Chadwick passed. But this is what they came up with? There are just many problems with the story that it would take too long to list.
I know there are many people who like this movie. Could for them. They talk about how emotional it was. I didn't get choked up once. It was just bland, boring, annoying, empty-calorie tribble. I doubt I will ever watch this movie again. What a disgrace to the memory of Chadwick Boseman. He never got a movie of his own that lived up to his level. If only they could have achieved what the Russo Brothers did for him in Civil War. Oh, how far we have fallen. Just another example of how Phase 4 is the worst MCU phase of all.
The Gray Man (2022)
Ignore The Critics
Once again, the critics have it all wrong. This movie is great. Ryan Gosling and Chris Evans are fantastic. Gosling doesn't say much, but when he does, he's got a great, dry wit. There is a lot of action in this movie. That's got to explain, at least partially, the high price tag. You go from one action set piece to another. The Russo Brothers' best work is probably still in the MCU. Still, this is a worthy follow up. It's definitely worth a Netflix watch. It's too bad we couldn't get this widely released in the theaters.
The One (2001)
Amazing Action
Is the acting great? No. Are the effects a little dated some 20 years later? Sure. But, hey, you gotta admit the action is awesome. Jet Li versus Jet Li-that's pretty cool. Throw in some super powers, and you've got an epic fight. Their final showdown is worth the watch. It's no cinematic masterpiece, but it's a fun action movie.
Gretel & Hansel (2020)
It's definitely...unique
Back in 2013, Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton starred in a Hansel & Gretel movie that was in the style of a steampunk, action movie. That was very much a different take on an old story. This movie decides to go the other way. Instead of a bright, fun, action flick, it goes for a dark, gloomy, artsy film. It was definitely...unique.
First off, it's beautiful. The cinematography is the best part of this movie (besides the fact that certain scenes are very dark--visually speaking). You can tell they put a lot of thought into the composition of some of these shots.
It was also pretty creepy. Not all-out scary, but definitely puts you on edge. The witch, especially, is very unsettling. Her movements are bizarre and disturbing.
On the negative side, the biggest problem is how slow this film is. It's only about 80 minutes, but it's the longest 80 minutes I've felt in a movie. I kept checking to see how much time was left. The pacing is just a slog.
It was also very difficult to catch all the dialogue. It's written in a older style to match the setting. That's fine, but when they whisper or speak quickly, it takes a lot of effort to catch what it is they are talking about.
Overall, it's a take it or leave it. It's not much of a time commitment, so that's a bonus. If you can catch it on a streaming service, that's better--you don't want to pay for this movie. The cinematography, if that's your thing, could be worth it. But if you're not into art-house/indy movies, I'd say pass.
Love and Monsters (2020)
What a pleasant surprise!
I had this on in my queue for a while, but I wasn't really all too motivated to check it out. Finally, I gave it try. Holy cow! What a surprise. This movie is great!
Dylan O'Brien is wonderful, and he shows he can do more than just Maze Runner movies. He's funny, charming, vulnerable and just all-around a likable guy. And his love interest, Jessica Henwick, is a delight. I knew her from Iron Fist, so you know she can handle the action. She's not given much, but what she does have she nails.
The monsters were very creative and, as probably intended, disgusting. Oversized bugs creep me out. And this movie brought that in spades.
I would say the only criticism is that the plot is pretty predictable. I'm not one that usually catches on to twists, but I saw this one a mile away.
Still, the plot is only the backdrop. Really, it's a road-trip movie, with a young man setting out to find his love and finding himself along the way. Throw in a great boy-and-his-dog element and some monsters, and you've got this movie. Fantastic lead actor, satisfying character growth and an inspiring story. This is a definite recommendation from me.
Obi-Wan Kenobi (2022)
While most watchable episode, still a huge disappointment
Overall, I think the finale was, thanks to some great moments, one of the more watchable episodes. Still, due to its flaws, which are many, I cannot give this episode more than a C grade. But, let's begin with the positives.
1. Owen & Beru Lars were the standouts of this episode. Joel Edgerton, especially, was great in his two episodes.
2. Obi-Wan giving Leia the holster and then giving her an incredulous response when she complained it was empty was the single funniest line in the whole show.
3. The fight between Vader and Obi-Wan in this episode, when viewed independently, was awesome. It was definitely better than their fight in Part III.
Now to the negatives:
1. As one who just had hernia surgery, and took days to recover, I just need to ask: how is it that a person, who just had a freaking lightsaber thrust through her belly, is able to hunt down a family, defend against blaster fire, chase down a child and then carry him all the way back to the Lars' moisture farm? You have got to be kidding me!
2. Now while I liked Vader/Kenobi fight, I had a few issues:
a. There were so many wasted movements. Vader would inexplicitly swing his lightsaber into rocks. Sometimes it looked like it was just an overshot after missing Kenobi, but other times it just looked like he just had it in for the rocks and was aiming right at them. Maybe he thinks of rocks as just pieces of sand.
B. Of course, as a prequel, we all knew that the dual HAD to end with both walking away (which, inherently, lowers the stakes). But the way they finished it, with Kenobi being in the position and yet choosing not to finish Vader off, was a poor choice. At this point, not only did Obi-Wan recognize that Anakin was gone, he knew the countless deaths that Vader was responsible for. And he had to have assumed that Vader's death toll was far from over. Yet, despite all that, he chose to let him live. By placing Obi-Wan in that position, and forcing him to make that decision so that future canonical events can happen, you could say that Kenobi is, therefore, at least complicit in all the deaths that Vader would take from that moment forward. Rather than ending it in that way, they should have come up with a way to have the duel end with Obi-Wan the obvious victor, but have him not in a position to deliver a fatal blow, even if he wanted to. Have Vader fall off a cliff or something. Don't just have Obi-Wan simply walk away. "Okay, well, bye Vader. Hope you don't commit any mass genocides."
c. Probably the biggest problem I had, which is a problem with the ongoing Star Wars series, is a ramp up in the Force. This dual seemed to stretch the credulity of a Force-powered, lightsaber fight. The way boulders were getting flung around reached a new level of overpowerment. They seemed more like gods than Force users.
3. I know they were trying to craft this redemption arc for Reva. But, sorry-you didn't earn it. You can't have someone responsible for probably dozens, if not hundreds, of Jedi deaths, not to mention the torturing of innocent civilians, and then expect that, just because she decided to not kill a child, that all's good. Nope! She's an evil murderer that should have died last episode. And some people want to compare her arc to Vader's and his redemption. Just remember, that Vader DIED at the end of Return of the Jedi. His atonement cost him his life. Reva, on the other hand, gets to walk away and probably get her own spin-off show. Guess what, Disney, no one cares about her, and no one will watch that show. Get ready to lose millions.
4. And, finally, this series' fatal flaw is its inability to stick to canon. Basically, they made square peg of a show, and they had to stick it into a round hole. Instead of rounding off the edges that didn't fit, they just cut the hole to match the peg. A few examples:
a. Sorry, but Vader's line in A New Hope still flies in opposition to this series. You could try to pull a Kenobi "from a certain point of view" defense, but I don't buy it. Just because Vader lost a lightsaber duel, it doesn't make him the "learner." Clearly, the original intent by Lucas was to imply that when last they had seen each other, Anakin considered himself Obi-Wan's apprentice. Lucas never intended them to have two more duals after the one on Mustafar. They never should have happened.
B. The last big canon break is the relationship between Leia and Obi-Wan. Again, it is clear that Leia had no personal relationship with Kenobi when she reached out to him in A New Hope. Don't you think that, if she had, she would have brought that up in the message as part of her plea for his help. And the little line they throw in at the end about how "no one must know, or it could endanger us both," doesn't fix it. Really? Her mentioning their connection when asking for his help would have endangered both of them? I don't buy it. Plus, even if that were true, don't you think that she would have had a bit more an emotional reaction when she saw Vader cut him down? Nope. She's just dandy. She didn't mourn for him because she didn't know him. This show can try and retcon a relationship, but it just doesn't work.
Now that the series is over, I'm going to give it an overall grade of a D+. Probably the worst live-action show that Lucasfilm has produced since the Holiday Special. What a shame.
Ms. Marvel (2022)
Worst Disney+ MCU show yet
I gave this show a try. Even though the trailers looked terrible, I thought I would at least give it the benefit of the doubt and watch the first two episodes. Unfortunately, they have been horrible.
First, the main character, Kamala, is just unlikable. She's annoying, disrespectful and not interesting. Even when she gets her powers, it's just cheesy. There is no reason to root for her.
Speaking of her powers, so far, they are really lame. It's like a dumb-downed combination of Mr. Fantastic and Dr. Strange. She makes big hands and sparkly steps. Sorry, but it doesn't do anything for me.
Her homemade costume is nothing but cringe. She'll probably get a better costume soon, but, so far, all we have seen is the homemade version, and it is terrible. Every version of Spider-Man's initial suit was better than this.
You can tell the writers really want to MAKE you like Kamala. But they make the same mistake a bad stepmom does when she comes into a family. A good stepmom will endear herself to her stepchildren by praising their mother and putting her up on a pedestal. She tells the kids that she could never replace their mom, but she's there to be a companion to their father and do her best to help take care of them. A bad stepmom, on the other hand, will try to raise herself up by tearing down their mother, demeaning and insulting her. Trust me--it doesn't do anything but turn those kids against her. The same goes for these writers. Instead of building up past Avengers, they literally insult and demean them within the first 60 seconds of the show. Bad move.
The writing, overall, is just terrible. It feels like they went to a couple of gender studies and ethnic studies classes and pulled some of the students to have them write the scripts. The woke is strong with them. The dialogue is so stilted and forced that it's almost vomit inducing. They need to learn that no one likes to be preached to, especially this woke garbage.
Bottom line: this is a horrific show, with nauseating writing, annoying characters, uninteresting plots and laughable super-hero elements. It's not really even an MCU show at all. It feels more like a bad high school series that hijacks the MCU branding so that people would watch it. They wouldn't be getting views any other way.
Obi-Wan Kenobi: Part V (2022)
Can This Show Getting Any Dumber?
First, a few pros:
1. Vader blocking Reva's lightsaber with just the Force was really cool.
2. Vader snatching the transport ship out of the air (a la Starkiller) was sick! As was him ripping out the side of the transport like it was made out of paper mache.
3. Ewan McGregor looked great in the flashback scene. He looked like he stepped off the set of Episode II yesterday. The man doesn't age!
Now onto the LONG list of cons:
1. Hayden Christensen playing the younger version of Anakin looked terrible. It pulled me right out. He looked like a 50-year-old rock star, trying to relive his glory days while singing at the county fair dressed in the same leather pants and ripped shirt from 30 years ago. I've scene YouTube videos that do a better job of de-aging him.
2. What's up with Jedi training with actual lightsabers and Anakin making full-strength swings like he was trying to decapitate Obi-Wan?! What if Kenobi missed the block?
3. Reva's stilted dialogue, along with Moses Ingram's delivery, was horrendous. Well, at least they're consistent.
4. Haja's return was completely unwarranted and unwanted. He was even less funny and less necessary that he was in Part II.
5. Ewan McGregor's acting was not good in this episode. His delivery of the speech in the hangar bay was atrocious. I know he is a good actor, so I've got to put the blame for that scene on Deborah Chow's shoulders. Just another example of what a terrible job she has done directing this series.
6. Reva and Obi-Wan's little chat through the blast door was awful for many reasons. First, are we to believe that not a single stormtrooper could overhear her talking about hunting Vader and even just considering teaming up with Kenobi? And why is she yelling at him one moment, but then opening up to him like their old pals the next? And her expectation for Kenobi to have been at the temple during Order 66 to protect her--when a GALAXY-WIDE WAR was going on--was so laughably unreasonable that I wanted to scream at the screen in frustration.
7. If Reva was going to cut through the door with her lightsaber, why waste time with the huge cannon? She could have cut a bigger opening in half the time herself.
8. When the fire fight starts, it takes 45 seconds of screen time before a single rebel is shot. And that first kill was at point-blank range. I know the joke is that stormtroopers can't shoot, but come on! Are you going to tell me that a platoon of trained stormtroopers, including the elite Purge troopers, can't hit a single rebel for 45 seconds?! Meanwhile, at least a dozen stormtroopers were killed, mostly by random rebels, before they make their first kill. In total, I counted 30 stormtroopers killed vs 4 rebels (and that doesn't count all those troopers killed by the thermal detonator). And maybe my counting is a bit off--it was a little hard to see because the camera was shaking so badly!
9. Reva's plan to have only two stormtroopers guard Kenobi after his surrender--on the other side of the blast door--was ridiculous regardless of her motivation. She either thought this was an effective method of containing her prisoner (a trained Jedi master), which is laughably incompetent, or she intentionally did this to have Kenobi escape, which makes her betrayal so obvious that it only, again, highlights her incompetence. Either way, it's another example of what a terribly written character Reva is.
10. Vader's failure to Force grab the second transport ship was totally unbelievable. Are we really expected to believe that, just after seeing Vader snatch that first transport out of the air, that having the second transport just a few meters behind the first was just too far for Vader to reach? It's just as bad as him not grabbing Kenobi through the fire in Part IV. For a guy who is so desperate to capture Kenobi, are you telling me he's just going to stand there and watch him fly away?
11. I was ticked when they killed off the Grand Inquisitor early in the series. He was easily the best villain of the show up to that point. And since he appears in Rebels, it broke cannon. And it was just as infuriating when they brought him back. The fake death troupe in these shows has got to stop. It's not a surprise--it's just annoying.
12. Finally, although I rejoiced in Reva getting stabbed in the gut, why in the HECK do they just leave her there alone? Did they just want her to suffer and die slowly? Maybe they just didn't have time to wait around. Maybe Vader and the Grand Inquisitor had a tee time at the Imperial Golf Course they needed to get back for. It's like how batman villains in the 60's TV show left Batman and Robin alone in some elaborate murder machine, trusting the dynamic duo would just wait patiently for the device to kill them without ever trying to escape. Come on! Just slice her head off and be done with it. Plus, are you going to tell me that, while Qui-Gon Jinn dies after getting stabbed by a lightsaber, Reva can get stabbed not once but TWICE and still live?! You have got to be kidding me!!
*Taking a deep, Jedi-meditation breath* Look, I'm a 40-year-long Star Wars fan. I want all Star Wars shows to be good. This one just isn't. It currently sits at a D grade for me. They've got one more episode to pull this ship out of nosedive. But I expect it's just going to crash and burn next week. Lucasfilm, do BETTER!
SparkShorts: Purl (2018)
Really, Pixar?
My family and I sat down to watch this Pixar short (because Pixar is usually fantastic), but we had to shut it off about halfway through. I was first put off by the heavy-handed "toxic masculinity" message it was pushing, but we kept watching. Then they started in on the crude jokes. The first one made me blink, and I just thought to myself "That seems a little offensive for a Pixar short." Then they threw out the next one. "Why are they putting these in a kids' cartoon?" I thought. Finally, they lead character yells out a curse word...and we were done. I shut it off. I couldn't believe that Disney would allow Pixar to release something like this on their streaming channel. And why would Pixar ever make this kind of content. Say what you will about John Lasseter, but I can't imagine he would let something like this be made under the Pixar banner (this was the first project done without him at Pixar).
Tim Timmerman: Hope of America (2017)
A good, clean high school comedy
In a day of vulgar, gross-out comedies, it's nice to get a clean, wholesome movie that is actually funny. There are some GREAT comedic actors in this movie. The lead, Eddie Perino, is loaded with charm. His best friend, played by Andrew Caldwell, is hilarious. The love interest, played by Chelsea Maidhof, is adorable. And the security guard, Christian Busath, steals every scene he is in. For a low-budget, independent film, this one is well worth your time.