Reviews

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

Pre-Magnum Tom Selleck plays Jim Robertson, an art dealer who buys a painting of witches burning at the stake, one with an uncanny resemblance to his wife Chris (played by a very confused but nice on the eyes, Barbara Grant). Unless you are into the dark arts, why this painting would be worth purchasing, not so sure on the wisdom, but hey.... We need something to roll forward with. Selleck is a bit of a pig - pretty insensitive and a little hard on his spouse, but we see the stature and presence that would make him a star. What are the chances Tom Selleck actually says 357 Magnum in a Filipino C-Horror movie before the TV show that made him a male sex icon? Well, look no further for an interesting but useless factoid. He also drives a little Ferrari/Spider-like car that portends his future role. The painting turns out to be supernatural as things begin to change on it causing Jim some concern. Music is weird and fluctuates between love boat themes and Victorian harpsichord stuff. There is some pretty great stunt work in a chase scene and it is humorous to see the Filipino Selleck stunt doubles subbing in for the action. The horse jump stunt is crazy dangerous. So many things could go wrong there! Turns out the witches in the painting are real and part of some Lucifer coven. Maybe the painting called to Jim beacause I guess the coven is out to get his wife. The head witch is very toothy and forward. When the head witch tries to impress Jim with how many men love to touch her he responds with a nerdy "Maybe you have a very high paw quotient". Probably the line of the movie. The plot is extremely thin and the whole finale very talky and underwhelming. Unless a die hard Selleck fan, take a hard pass. Or drink with some Early Times BIB like I did. Cheers!

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

From the start you see it is a straight to video thing. Opening in a small town video rental (nostalgia win). After an interesting stalk and chase of what might be the films first victim, We move to the local high school to meet the films sexually ornery and not half-bad looking teenage protagonists. It's the last class of summer and they must be juniors, because the teacher assigns them homework over the summer. (Who does that?!) We then transition to friends heading for a vacation getaway in the woods. Evil Dead or Cabin in the Woods this is not. Mike, one of the characters states that he has seen every horror movies and believes that events the group of friends run into are classic tropes used from the films foreshadowing the ominous. As the film progresses, we learn that he is really only friends with Nick the cabin owner, and the rest of the group quickly tire of his prophetic nannying. The script is beyond corny and Mike's character coulda used some legitimate horror film references in his lines instead of the generic stupidities he utters - basically stating the obvious. He is annoying and hard to root for. In a weird way I wonder if Mike was a loose influence on the Stuart character from Scream... okay, probably not. But if Wes Craven saw this film... mad respect! The acting overall is sub level, but you've had worse if you've reached in the bin for this one. The creature is ridiculously bad, but for whatever reason, it didn't bother me. Especially when they decided to give it video toaster laser eyes! Only wished I cared about the characters a little more. One of the funnier post script scenes puts the cherry on the top. Best watched with a group of like minded no budget horror cruisers and a dram -or three of Wild Turkey Rare Breed Rye. Cheers!

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

Surprisingly fun noir fantasy comedy. Fred Ward plays H. Phillip Lovecraft private eye hired to find a missing book. The book? It's the necronomicon of course! It's 1948 and everyone uses magic. Everyone except Lovecraft who refuses to be under anyone's control. Clancy Brown plays another baddie seeking immortality. The guy is great in these roles. Really suave in this one. Julianne Moore's talents shine, but she is perhaps underwritten as the Femme Fatale. Speaking of suave baddies... can't forget David Warner at his best. The writing is purposely over the top but immersive and at times very funny. Between all the wisecracks and euphemisms, and the many "magical" effects, this film may need to be watched again to catch all the subtleties. At times cheesy with some lower end costumes (The dancing gargoyle), it also has some good gore and other creature effects mixed in. Original and well "crafted" surprise film whose protagonists save a virgin and the world from the blackest of Cthulhu evils. Could have had a more explosive climax, but still worth the journey. Conjured with a dram of Elijah Craig Barrel Proof. Cheers!

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

My Amazon parrot Squatcho picked this one out and he hated it. I however was pleasantly surprised considering the grade D budget and that it is shot on video with poor transfer quality. A serial killer stalks the seedy San Francisco drug and punk rock underworld. It is feasting on brains, sucking them out through its victim's eye sockets. Plenty of quirky and sometimes low brow humor such as the Forensic scientist who performs the brain autopsy has a lazy, sleepy eye...nice casting choice. As you would expect, there is a lot of overacting and silly dialogue, but also some surprisingly well acted moments. Most notably, there is some pretty good chemistry between Jean Michaelson (Kate Alexander) and Inspector Alonzo Bernardo (Jonathan Zeichner). Who would have thought the trust and budding romance would work in this sorta cheese?! Love the appearance of the seminal punk band The Nuns who perform as "Disease". Not on too many lists, but they should be. Would have loved to see them with Flipper back in the day. Overall fun movie that will at least keep your interest and you may even find it amusing, including the ridiculous ending. Without giving it away, they might call this one "Kuato's revenge". My only regret (or blessing) is that it doesn't appear the filmmakers made too many other films.

Slurped down with a dram of John J. Bowman. Cheers!

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

Strange, surreal, and cerebral beginning. Gene Hackman as Jack McCann the prospector is hardly recognizable.

Hard to pin down this film. Is it telling a moral story? McCann seems to have a god complex after striking it rich. Interesting study concerning what happens to a man once he has accomplished the one thing he has ever desired. There is a narrative here woven together in Dali-esque scenes that could melt a watch. The characters seem to wear their motivations on their sleeves and what would normally internal dialogue is expressed outwardly and matter of fact.

There is a weird taboo voodoo ritual sex scene involving boa constrictors. Is this the temptation of the enemy?

When McCann reached his end we see pages from Alice in Wonderland also torched to their end. Are we looking through the looking glass?

Ultimately the film feels disconnected from its excellent performances. A shame, really as it seems to be a forgotten film that may stay buried with the golden tomb Jack could never escape. Made the journey with a dram of Dexter. Cheers!

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

As others have said, Tiana Alexandra-Silliphant's is adorable as an undercover narc. Her charisma takes a grade D movie and makes it watchable, Best lines of the film: "Federal agents do not kick people in the head" and "Now you give names or I give you a vagina." Pretty good stunt work in first main chase scene. Cinderella Poo is the cover name?! Lol. Recently seeing Raw Head Rex, pretty neat seeing David Dukes in another genre. Dudes haircut looks like a piece. Not as obvious as Rod Steiger of course. Second best line of the movie might be: "You no want to be cinderellas friend? Your loser not me!" This film has a lot of pretty good Grade A heavys IMO including Brian Thompson, John Hancock, and Brian Libby. Rod Steiger plays a pretty good main baddie, but sometimes moves through his scenes like oatmeal.

Any movie with Sub Zero (Professor Tory Tanaka) is a movie for me. The drug smuggling operation plot device has to be one of the most original I've seen. End sequence has a lot of cheese and unimpressive stunts and staging. Honestly with a better ending, this movie is a must see for 80s action fans. If only it had been handled like the first 2/3rds of the film. The final death scene, although subtle, works pretty well. Ultimately, Tiana's cuteness carries the day and makes it watchable. Enjoyed with a dram of Knob Creek Single Barrel. Cheers!

Classic drive-in sexploitation flick set in the summer of love. Mixes the free-love ideology with the old and tired midlife crisis themes. Pretty much trash with many bare breasts, the film displays a pretty good if not cartoonish example of the 60s generational culture clash. District Attorney George frustrated by his hum-drum marriage is seduced by his young, blonde, nymphette babysitter Candy Wilson played perkily by Patricia Wymer. Candy is the perfect Lolita and loose friends of hers use the affair to try and blackmail George into not prosecuting and freeing a member of a motorcycle gang. Candy takes offense to being used and ultimately fixes the situation in a somewhat Scooby-doo ending. The final line from George's law partner sums it up:

"George... really now, how was it?"George: "Wild!"

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

"Don't look at me, I'm going fishing!" Is the best line to start the film. If you don't like bad monster films, you better find something else to do. The dubbing is soooo bad. The movie says it's Hawaii, but looks more like Central America or the Philippines. Does the sheriff think the pangolin is a lizard lol.

"The beast? That's hokum!" More stellar writing. It turns out this might be an Environmental movie. "All the pan fried muck we throw at this planet awaken a centuries old beast." There is always a female Herpetologist. Kinda sexy though. Movie has some cool authentic hula dancing and wood percussion. The monster is exposed rather early in this one. The director and effects guys must be proud of it. Line of the film has to be: "Take a hike, spazz ass." Pretty good driving main score. Cheap, but nostalgic for those chill-wavers. Creature from the black lagoon meets Godzilla, Jaws, and Medusa. Why is there a man in a gorilla suit meeting gringo tourists? Gorillas in Hawaii? The dubbing of background conversations at the restaurant consists of one dude speaking nonsense! Making out in a Johnny boat certainly isn't very sexy. As bad as this movie is, I kinda enjoy the monster's shenanigans when taking out its victims. The monster "Ache-a" also likes to wave a lot before the kill. Also like the grizzly bear belchy noises it makes. All of a sudden the plot mimics Jaws and we are going to shut the resort down after the goofy journalist is killed! When there is a party on the island, they play music straight out of Breakin' 2. The end has to be one of the longest slow walks I've seen. They really like the scenery. Overall terrible technical effort and as absurd as the rubber costume is, it fits the film and is enjoyably bad. As rotten as it was. It really is so bad it's kinda good. Grab a dram of Elijah Craig BP and try to make out what the background dubs are saying. Cheers!

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

Beautiful feudal Japan setting. Weird beginning when Samurai wife gives husband a strange demon sex ornament. Then plays the Koto while he suppers. Then we see the beginning of sexual shadow play. I bet you could see a lot of crazy stuff walking around a town and looking at the shadows on the walls in 16th century Japan? The slow motion death scene is pretty cool. The camerawork is good, acting and script- dialogue mostly is incredibly dumb. American family moves into the what they are told sold by a a friend is a haunted house and ghosts begin to appear. Bingo on the film opening. But first there is an Overextended love scene between the married couple complete with with multiple positions and barrel-roles to consummate the new home. The apparitions and shenanigans are cheap and Disney-like even when the ghosts appear or possess the family which occurs with the sound of tinkling bells. Wasn't this formula used in the 60s? We find out that the ghosts are called demons (not sure how that works). Predictable and like clockwork, the ghosts seduce and possess the homeowners to play out the same sexual indiscretions and violence that did in the original inhabitants. Weird giant crab sequence is a crazy surprise. The Japanese exorcist is also slightly interesting. The ghosts cheering on the final fight is so hoaky, I almost gave up. I guess the Samurai can't resolve their conflict as ghosts. There are really much better special effects in other ghost stories. Interesting concept, but poorly conceived. The final shock scene is pretty good, but sadly not worth the 75 incredibly dull minutes in the middle. Crosscut with Dexter bourbon. Cheers.

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

Goofy script and goofier performances. A boxer and his newlywed wife honeymoon in Asia (the Philippines) and they purchase a Buddha statue with hidden value inside. They befriend a mute kung fu practicing Chinaman who likes to sit on the floor a lot and the shenanigans begin. Turns out some gangsters want what's inside the Buddha statue and we see many failed attempts at stealing, beating, and bullying it from the trio. The martial arts action isn't particularly good, and the dialogue at times walks the cringe line, but isn't quite cringy enough to be interesting or so bad it's good. If anything it's "cute" at times. Final 10 minute sequence has a few memorable moments including a hit man named Chris taking a blow dart to the mouth. The driving score also adds to the enjoyment. The editing adds to the cheeze wizz. Baddie baldie Leo King (Ken Metcalf) seems impossible to want to work for and shows off his baddiness by booting his girlfriend in the face to keep her off the helicopter. The ending is dumber than the average three stooges ending, but also seems fitting. Enjoyed while filling my Buddha with Wild Turkey Rare Breed. Cheers!

A whiskey stream of consciousness review

"Beware double dipping Diane!!" Sexy Desert vampire horror film. Opening is a bit trippy with the imagery. Lamenting piano score. Watched on an absolutely terrible video transfer. Music is crazy. Moves from sad piano, to Romero-esque zombie music during an assault and then some old Mississippi Blues! Wha!!? Lol. There are some enjoyably weird interactions to begin the film and love the blue Mustang fastback and dune buggy. This is a vampire film?! Lol. The lead female, Diane is revealed to be a vampire and at an art showing, invites a young couple (Lee and Susan) to her ranch for a getaway. Diane drives the dune buggy and picks the couple up in a dune buggy upon arrival. Although it is not revealed at this point, this might be the first vampire to drive a dune buggy on screen. Maybe there were some beach vampire movies with dune buggies, but I dunno. With the poor quality, darkness scenes are impossible to make out anything. And ah, the 60's. Girlfriend doesn't seem too concerned boyfriend sleeps with the vampire. Then the girlfriend has fantasy sex dreams with Diane as well. Bisexual vampires? Nice! The couple decided to visit a graveyard out of interest... wha? Why not, I guess. Turns out Diane wants both Lee and Susan for herself ( I guess we aren't so removed from the summer of love and vampires need love too?) lol. Also when Lee says no... he really means yes. Eventually, Dianne takes Lee. Then, Susan. The final escape scenes have Texas Chainsaw flair making me wonder if atone Hooper had a view. The Sun only affects Diane through a mirror and with crucifixes apparently. Necessary if owning a dune buggy.

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

Well, probably not so much with this one. Opening professor scene is pretty effective. However, there is no way he could get away with pulling the handgun stunt. It's one thing to perform research, it's another to perform research on studdnts as part of the class. Did I just see a Dark horse "Concrete" T-shirt?! Yes! Oh wait, and now a Jimmy Olsen (Mark McClure) sighting?!? Yes! And ol' Jimmy must be doing well for himself driving that beamer. Music is heavy keyboard based akin to Charles Band's Puppet Master films. Turns out this is a horror vignette with characters telling stories. Wait, is that the gal from American Ninja?! Yes! This film proves the adage that the Chrysler LeBaron was a chick car. Although I wouldn't go so far to say the characters in the film are deserving of their fate... My social Darwinist friends would disagree. Last story is another take on "When a Stranger Calls". Not the best telling, but still has some effective moments, and a pretty good albeit abrupt ending. The final close out leaves me thinking: "The Mullet is on Fire!" Okay for goofy 80s fare, but really tame stuff. Burned up with a dram of Wild Turkey 101. Cheers!

Extremely dopey vampire sex comedy with bad jokes, stupid characters, and a dull story. A sexy Baroness inherits a castle and discovers she comes from a line of vampires. Careless, she releases one of her kin who had been coffin bound. She is certainly a flirtatious she-devil and goes so far as to try and seduce one of the local monks. The monk reminds me of MrBean, and bumbles around as much.

There is a scene where a woman is being stretched on the rack. The torturer turns the wheel while eating a banana. Music is awful. Bubble pops and bat noises. Main dudes car has VMPR on the license plate... foreshadowing? Comedy is of the sleazy D films of the time, including peeping tom monks and lusty vampires. There is more than enough skin to place this after Midnight on Cinemax. The funniest moment for me was seeing all the fillings behind Clairmonde Catani's fangs. Lol! There is even a scene where the baroness for whatever reason fondles a skull door knocker while making sensual noises.... With absolutely no explanation. The movie is purely mastabatory and impossible to follow or care what's "happening". Nothing scary or mysterious either and the comedy is juvenile pervy-fare. Dracula shows up more than halfway through the film and hams up the cringe to another level. At least he made it more interesting. Did you know that vampires could get drunk on alcohol? I didn't. Also don't think there is another film where Dracula flees the dawn in a helicopter while desperately trying to pull his pants up. He also has the line of the film at that point though: "Damn the zipper... full speed ahead!" There were moments where I was tempted to bail on this one, however there was just enough to keep the attention. Can't recommend as a skinemax film unless you are a boob-man. Devoured with a dram or three of Rare Breed. Cheers!

A whiskey stream of consciousness review.

Brutal and ugly film to start, then slowly turns campy. Let me just say that the title of this film is the worst. Total disinformation. That said, there are good things, the music and there are some nice shots, like when one of the stocking masked intruders enters the kitchen, but the thrill kill subject is tough to watch.

At times the score is similar to a Brady bunch episode, but other moments are good old school 50s style horror score.

The attempts at creativity during the dream sequences falls flat today, but must've been super self-indulgent at the time. Sean's hair is some of the worst of the time. Other than the Geico caveman commercials, I sure hope that style never repeats itself. He does find a trippy end in the desert. Death by tumbleweed or yucca. Couldn't really tell. All I know is that tho is isn't the yucca massacre. The music is outstanding at times. Wondering where it was created or lifted from. If original, my sincere kudos. Especially like the Goblinesque music during the Delicious Girls sequence. "I have to pay for my books somehow..." The make up effects are terrible, but pretty gruesome for the time. Especially the end sequences. I do kinda like the fact that the there is a "Golem" occult creature getting revenge, however, kind of annoyed that the most despicable character somehow avoids his fate, but it does stray from the predictable. Split with Knob Creek Barrel Proof Rye. Cheers!