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ChippyMcF
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The Conjuring (2013)
How Disco Killed the Witch
- POTENTIAL SPOILERS -
On the Isle of Rhodes nestled alongside Dawson's Creek, a laid back office worker takes a break from TPS reports and settles with his wife and 37 daughters into a house haunted by...well...everything.
When Norma Bates and her husband show up to calculate what's spooking Eva Peron's American cousins, it turns out EVERYTHING died in this house: the wicked witch of Dawson's Creek, a little boy strangled by an enormous collar, a not so merry maid, Tonto, Toto, Robbie the Robot, disco, plaid, Jimmy Hoffa, the 1986 New York Mets, Tara Reid's career...I mean the list goes on and on. What ISN'T HAUNTING this house?
My monkey got so scared he almost had a heart-attack...and rest assured, he would be haunting a Cineplex in Lima, Peru if it weren't for the mouth to mouth resuscitation I had to perform.
My monkey later explained to me what really happens during a near death experience. Apparently it smells like Lindsey Lohan's farts before raining frogs.
Who knew? Monkey heaven sure sounds funny to me. But this movie smelled better! I'll be staying right here on earth, thank you very much!
Man of Steel (2013)
Little Adolph's Home Coming
Little Adolph, while living in the Field of Dreams with the man who survived Waterworld and that stone-cold-fox from Unfaithful, discovers he is adopted and is in fact an alien from a planet shaped like human reproductive organs. SACRE BLEU!
Not wanting another watery apocalypse, Adolph grows up into a Superman, shares his dirty little secret with the red-head from The Muppets, and does battle with the military from both earth and his sex-crazed home world leading to 9/11. AY DIOS MIO!
Thank god Zack "Seig Heil" Snyder is there to make sense of all this. Whew - all that blurred fast-mo/slo-mo action stuff gave my monkey motion-sickness.
Though in the end both my monkey and I were glad Superman got Ann Frank out of the attic.
What a wild ride!
Mud (2012)
Mud in Your Pants
A freckled-face cusser and the pouty-lipped kid from that movie about the tree that discovers alien life in Texas create a tree house out of an old boat and make out of mud a savagely sexy man who's all broken-up about June Carter Cash becoming white trash.
Odd to have this set in Huckleberry, Finn-landia - why are the Nordics all tanned and talking like WalMart employees? Still, my monkey and I got all sentimental over this one, and my monkey reminded me of the adventure stories he used to read to me when I was a kid.
Good stuff...though my monkey, now getting on in age, left with Mud not only in his heart, but also in his pants.
Lo imposible (2012)
My Red Ball's Big Adventure
A family of Japanese acrobats are touring Thailand during the holidays when a tidal wave hits right in the middle of a boxing match. One child's red ball goes through a harrowing experience in the aftermath - talk about getting kicked while your down! - while a Swedish cherub sits in a tree in the oddest advertisement for cola I have ever seen.
Not sure why the Japanese people spoke with British accents, and then my monkey tried to tell me they were actually Spanish! I was baffled by their complete disregard for foot care walking around barefoot the whole time.
Let me tell you though, me and monkey were completely transfixed, and I'm not going to lie, we cried a little. This will be a big hit in Lima, I'm sure, the whole crowd was gasping and blubbering the whole time. It's about time someone was brave enough to depict the horrors of going through life as a red ball in the East where they are treated like garbage. Red balls in the West should be very thankful. And what a beautiful reminder this film is of that.
Insidious (2010)
Astrally Project This
So for three years of my childhood I lived with my French mother and Chinese father in the Andes Mountains under the tutelage of a Peruvian shaman. So I know a bit about astral projection, and I won't bore you with all the intricacies of how much this film gets wrong. It's the equivalent of making a movie about space travel where rocket ships are sent into orbit on the power released by lighting a fart on fire.
On that note, this film is the best comedy of the year. Not a ghost to be found here and there's all kinds of comic mishaps involving astral projection and lost souls.
I give it a big thumbs up for making me laugh so hard, but my monkey apparently was none-too-pleased and decided to astrally project himself to a Dutch whorehouse instead.
What can I say? Different strokes for different folks.
Hanna (2011)
Little Red Running Hanna
In Finnish Morocco, a mad German girl - genetically designed by a hermaphroditic Queen Elizabeth (I) and the Hulk to be a super killer - crawls out of a snow globe and hitches a ride with a neo-hipster British family to Spain before making her way to grandma's house in Berlin.
My monkey danced with glow sticks to The Chemical Brothers' score.
I enjoyed the sassy assassins.
Queen Elizabeth (I) disproves the stereotype of British people having bad teeth with depictions of her expert dental care.
What more do you want from a movie?
A masterpiece.
Let Me In (2010)
What Planet Was this On?
During the 1980's in Swedish Mexico we had androgynous children bullying each other, a dictator named Reagan ruling through the television, really bad lighting, and one pre-pubescent vampire running amuck. Strangely enough this coming-of-age story reminded me of my upbringing in Finland before my French mother and Chinese father moved us to Lima, Peru so they could study with a shaman in the Andes Mountains.
But I digress. The girl from "Kick-Ass" makes a decent little vampire, while the kid from "The Road" gets all emo when he befriends her. I've heard he was recently cast to star in the live-action version of the age-old kid's drawing "Stick Boy." Anywhooooo...oh, those bullies! And that hair! And the music! And all that tomato sauce in the swimming pool in the end! Where was the spaghetti?
My monkey and I actually enjoyed this to an extent, though I'm still not sold on the authenticity of Swedish Mexico. I will have to visit one day to see for myself!
BONUS FUN FACT: My monkey says vampires built Machu Pichu.
Buried (2010)
What the? Who the? Why the?
What the heck is this crap? Yup, pretty much we have an hour and a half of Ryan Reynolds breathing heavily, making frantic cell phone calls, and doing dumb things (like trying to light a snake on fire) while being buried alive in a coffin...somewhere in Iraq.
Yup, I think the morons who made this had some clever idea about making this all mean something...you know, like America's involvement in Iraq is akin to burying themselves alive. Yeah...or something.
Let's just say my monkey enjoyed all of the heavy breathing, but I just wanted to bury myself...dead. Thank Allah I live in Peru and not America or Iraq.
ZUT ALORS - THIS SUCKED!
Postal (2007)
Kill Yourself Instead
If you've been teetering on the edge wondering if you should commit suicide or not, then watch POSTAL. There will be no doubt in your mind after watching this that you would be better off dead.
To say that Uwe Boll is the worst director of all time is an insult to all the other worst directors out there. He actually appears as himself in the film, and how does he decide to treat himself? He gets shot in the crotch. And this is right before a scene where dozens of little children are massacred in an amusement park. Uh huh, this is supposed to be comedy. And what does this say about Heir Boll's inner thoughts about himself and the world? I think a psychiatrist would report him to the police.
I had to wrestle my poor monkey away from the noose about half way through this piece of excrement. Then my monkey urinated on the DVD and we set it ablaze.
Be Kind Rewind (2008)
What a piece of horse manure!
An arrogant (and probably drug using) French phony attempts to make a movie about Americans and their love affair with films. This was total amateurish garbage. Mos Def had the most annoying voice, Jack Black was totally unfunny, the script was a childish bore. Gondry should be banned from making films for at least ten years for this steaming load of elephant dung.
Not even my pet monkey could bare to watch this! He'd rather take a dump.
Makes me glad I live in Lima, Peru and not France or New Jersey.
AWFUL!
King Kong (2005)
This Movie Rocked My Monkey's Socks Off!
I went to a special screening of "King Kong" for monkeys and their owners in Lima, and let me tell you, these monkeys went bananas for this flick! They loved it, and some of them got so excited, I'm not embarrassed to say, a few monkeys had to be spanked.
Anywho, my monkey loves to wear socks, but not diapers (dirty monkey!) and this movie rocked his socks off.
I liked it, too, especially all those gross buggies. My one complaint, is that at the end Naomi Watts didn't jump off the Empire State Building to die with her monkey lover. She just stood there for what seemed like an eternity until that Holocaust survivor guy climbed up to get her, and all I kept thinking was "Jump, baby, jump!" What a perfect romantic ending that would've been.
Oh well, treat yourself and your monkey, and go see "King Kong."