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Dracula's Angel (2014)
Barely a film
Sweet leaping Christ on a bike. The only reason this qualifies as a "movie" is because, well, things move. That's literally the only somewhat positive thing that can be said about it. The graphics look like they were rendered with a PS1, and I was truly surprised when it was revealed this movie was made in 2015. If you've seen 'Foodfight', you'll apologize for saying it looked bad. There's no plot. Things just kind of happen and are indecipherable from one another because you can't focus on a plot because you'll be so baffled by how absolutely terrible everything looks. Speaking of looks, humans are pure nightmare fuel. The movie pads itself out by having a 2 pixel PNG of a character's head floating around saying "All who participated must die for eternity", for, and I checked, a solid 2 minutes.
The Time Machine (I Found at a Yardsale) (2011)
Makes Manos the Hands of Fate look like Tarentino
Oh god. Everything about this movie is terrible. Acting felt like two corpses with people dubbing over them. Effects... are non existent. The plot is: Guy finds time machine at yard sale (hey look it's the title!) goes into the future, finds a slave, who looks like a nun...and then they just travel from pointless scene to pointless scene. For 90 minutes. Theres no rhyme or reason to anything anyone does and the last scene is the guy asking the girl for a sandwich. This movie doesn't even fall into the 'So Bad Its Good ' category, home of your Neil Breen's and Tommy Wiseaus of the industry. This is just torture.
Manos Returns (2018)
Falls Into the "Sequel-Knowing It's Bad" Pit
Watched this last night finally. They tried way too hard to replicate everything that gave the original its charm. Everything bad felt way too forced, like they were aiming for it to be bad. The original was a guy who wanted to make a movie but ended up bombing in every way. This one is just boring and it feels more like a Sharknado sequel.
Zombieland (2009)
Starts Strong, Then Collapses
The film started off really good. The film opens on scenes of carnage and several people get attacked by zombies. During the chaos, Columbus, our lead (Jesse Eisenberg), explains his rules for survival (Cardio, Double Tap, Beware of Bathrooms...). Then the opening credits. More carnage, but this time in slow-motion and with For Whom the Bell Tolls playing.
We then see Columbus who yet again goes over his rules, this time at a gas station. Then we cut to when he runs into Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson). We are then treated to a scene where Tallahassee goes nuts over a Hostess Truck not having Twinkies. We get to see Columbus' first encounter with zombies, when his neighbor gets infected. They arrive at a grocery store, where we see three OK zombie kills.
Then the girls arrive, and the film falls flat on it's face. Wichita(Emma Stone) and her sister Little Rock (Abagail Breslin), trick the men into giving them their vehicle, so they can go to an amusement park. In the next town, Columbus and Tallahassee find a truck full of guns, which they shoot into the air, wasting ammo.
After being tricked by the sisters a second time, they all agree to go to Pacific Playland. And then we get 20 minutes of them driving a car. They go to a shop, where a Columbus/Witchita romance begins to show. They trash the store, ruining possible weapons.
In a plot twist, they go visit Bill Murray, who dresses up as a zombie, and gets shot. Then we see more Wichita/Columbus. The girls leave, and they arrive at the amusement park, where they turn on every light, attracting zombies. They then trap themselves on a ride, surrounded by zombies.
In the finale, Tallahassee shoots zombies from a game booth, and Columbus mostly just runs around. There is a clown zombie, which Columbus kills. The girls are rescued, a Twinkie is found, and they drive away. The end.
There was a lot of wasted time, filler, and bad jokes. Watch once, then forget about.
Keeping Up with the Joneses (2016)
Terrible, Flat, and Dull
The film had no real emotion to it. The 'normal' couple, forgot their names, were as likable as a broken toe. The Joneses were boring. The "Scorpion" didn't feel like he cared much for the role. Everybody else felt like they are half asleep. One star for the somewhat interesting car chase.
The Cat in the Hat (2003)
Polar Opposite of Seuss
I saw this movie with a 6 year old cousin. There were so many anti- Seuss things in this film it was gross. After the Cat yelled "Dirty Hoe", at a garden hoe, I almost threw up. There were some good moments, such as
Cat: (After using the mom's dress to scrub a wall), "Honey, it was ruined when she bought it"
Love the Coopers (2015)
Did They Even Try?
So, I saw this with my family last Christmas, and I completely hated it. The story line made no sense. They bounced scenarios around with no real rhyme or reason, constantly switching back and forth: 1. A struggling husband and wife, 2. A sister who meets a soldier and convinces him to act like her fiancé 3. An old man talking to a teenage waitress, 4. A teenager trying to kiss a girl, 5. and a woman being arrested and becoming buddy-buddy with a cop. It honestly felt like they had 5 different movie ideas and mashed them into one.
The acting was poor, the ending was bad. OK, spoiler: The old man has heart attack. He lives (Of course) So, dancing in a hospital = family? I saw it just because of the trailer, but that was the only real "Good" things about the movie.
This movie is billed as a "Comedy". I didn't even chuckle once.