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Reviews
The Descent: Part 2 (2009)
Crap-tackular
OK let's get this straight. This movie is the sequel for the American-ized version of The Descent. WE all know that the definitive version of the original "The Descent" is the European Directors Cut which can't possibly have a sequel for perfect reasons. This movie stunk. Too much lighting for being 6 miles under the earth's crust. Just plain stupid. This movie just should have never been made! What's wrong with you Neil Marshall? Why ruin a exceptional movie by trying to franchise it? Resurrecting characters just for closure is pointless. Nothing was surprising or scary about this crap. I was so disappointed. If you want all the thrills, chills, scares and gore; just watch the director's cut and when you are done just start it over and watch it again. Do yourself a favor and skip this movie entirely. Keep the vision of the original alive and let it stand alone as a true gem of the horror genre.
Pandorum (2009)
Pandorum in a Nutshell
Extremely disappointed by this sci-fi flick. It had potential that landed on the cutting room floor. Good idea, poor presentation. Very poor editing that was supposed to heighten the movie's chilling story, but it just hampered it. I think what did me over on this one was the fact that in the first 20 minutes the crew members had to hand crank the ship to get it started. Come on, it's like the year 2174 of something. A hand crank? Please. I would like to think that with this type of sci-fi that the filmmakers would at least give the viewers credit for being semi-coherent. This film is totally and utterly unwatchable.
House (2008)
Ahhhhhhhhhhh. What? Book was way better.
Please avoid this movie at all costs. Just read the book. It is Soooooo much better.
This movie could've had potential had it not left out most of the religious references. Those references are what makes the story so mysterious and compelling right up to the end of the novel.
What was left over was sloppily put together and totally confusing even to people who did read the book. The book had more blood and gore than the movie even tried to have. A total mess and a complete waste of time. The last 3 chapters of the book were better than this whole movie put together.
If you are going to sit on the couch for entertainment. Sit with the book.
The Beast Within (1982)
Remembering 80's gooey fun.
After first watching this 80's horror B film on The Movie Channel at a slumber party at the age of 13, it scared the be-Jesus out of me. I recently purchased a copy on DVD to relive the slumber party days. What a slimy little movie. I still enjoy it.
While it's not a gore fest by any account, it still is pure fun. The story is a little convoluted, but it still seems original for some of the older B movies out there.
After watching it one night, I purchased an out of print copy of the Novel by Edward Levy. While certainly not Edward Lee, Richard Laymon (inspiration for the Beast House series maybe?..Hmmmm?..), or Stephen King, it was still cool for it's monster-ly story, however it is dated but a short read.
I watched the movie again after reading the book, and I found I enjoyed the movie on a different level. The Novel is different as it goes into more background of how the "Connors" monster came to be and goes a bit beyond the ending of the movie. I look at movie as a companion to the book. Anyone who has enjoyed this late night, low budget, goo fest, should find a copy of the book, read it and watch the movie again. You will be glad you did.
While this seldom viewed movie certainly has a fan base, I don't think it will ever gravitate to cult status. I'm just glad I have my copy to remind me of all the scary slumber parties I went to as a pre-teen.
While I like the ending of the movie and it "fits", I wouldn't mind a continuation of the story if done properly with an 80's flare. Anyone game?
Recommend for pure 80's horror/late night horror cheese buffs only. For those are the people who would only appreciate this low budget monster fest.
The Girl Next Door (2007)
Do yourself a favor and read the book.
I had the opportunity to read the book well before I watched the movie. I was excited about watching this movie because the book was truly one of the best modern horror novels I have ever read. I couldn't put it down and was horrified and disturbed through out the book and right up to the last intense chapters until the very end.
Needless to say, the book should have been left alone as a work of true literary horror. What your mind shows you when you read the book, is a lot more that what was shown or could've been shown in the movie. The whole point of the book was lost in this terribly underacted mis-interpretation of Jack Ketchum's novel. The true horror was laid within the main character David himself as the story unfolds. The mother, Ruth was a lot more scary, evil, and demented than the weakly depicted character in this movie. The neighborhood kids as well as Ruth's boys were much more involved in the torture and it definitely was more explicit than what was shown or could have been shown in this movie.
This movie was actually slow and boring and had I not read the book in advance (knowing what was coming), I would have been bored out of my skull. I know the book was a fictionalized version of a true story, for I have looked it up and read the articles about the crime. There was another movie made called An American Crime that is the re-telling of the true story. I don't know if it has been released yet in any format, but I have not seen it and I am awaiting a chance to view it. It couldn't possibly be as bad as this version.
If you feel the need to see this movie, I strongly suggest reading the book first. You will not be disappointed and you will understand exactly where I am coming from with this review.
Bottom line: The book was truly greater and bigger than the movie. Excerise your mind and read it. You will not be disappointed.
Rinne (2005)
"Every year movies are produced.................."
As one of the 8 movies to die for, this one was a little bit of a stinker. I guess After Dark Pictures and Lionsgate just needed a little bit of Asian Horror (if you can call it that) to complete their "Horrorfest". This, in my opinion, did not fall into their criteria at all. Few really creepy parts and very slow moving. Definitely not a total gross out or violent to the extreme, but a bit of a thinker. The idea behind the plot was interesting and well acted. I thought the "reincarnation" theme was well thought out with non religious overtones. That gave the overall tone of the movie a slightly creepy one. I think the underlying stories of the many overlapping characters could have been a little deeper as well as the meaning of why "it all" happened in the first place. The little doll who was a supporting character was very creepy, but I was left wondering why it wasn't used more. Overall, it was an OK Asian Thriller. Better in many ways than others from the Asian genre, but evidently not for hard core horror fans.
Trouble Every Day (2001)
Avoid, avoid, avoid
I finally got to view this movie when I got if from Netflix. Although the gore is great, it is scarce to say the least. If you like foreign films, this one is for you. Great work with color schemes and music, but the camera shots are like film school quality. This movie could have and should have been a lot better. The plot had a lot of holes and the viewer needed more information about the entire aspect of the plot. The Who, What, Why, Where, and How's were not addressed as well as they should have been for an effective dramatic experience. Some of the gore was essentially not needed in its entirety. It was how ever very disturbing and effective.The acting was sub par at least. Some of the cast seemed to be reading off of cue cards. For a movie that was supposed to be very dramatic, the actors did not have any chemistry between them as an ensemble. I have no idea why Vincent Gallo was cast. He has got to be one of the most unattractive male leads in the industry. Anyhow. This movie was really bad all around. I would recommend that it be avoided at all costs. This is not one of the films you should see before you die. This is not a film for gore hounds either as it has minimal gore. The gross out alone is not reason enough for a viewing of this movie. I'm sure if you want to know what is so gross about this movie, just ask someone who has seen it and save the rental fee. Stay away from Trouble Every Day.
Pirates (2005)
Not your father's Pirates of the Caribbean.
"Avast me harties." I just rented the "R-Rrrrrr" rated version of this Digital Playground Production. I loved it!! I am a woman who likes sensual material, and I do not like a lot of what the porn world has to offer. But this film was great. It's high production value, beautiful girls, slinky costumes, and comedy made it worth while for me. I laughed the whole way though and what was shown in this R rated version was good enough for me to want more! I purchased the "Real" version of this movie for me and my husband. We love it! It's corny where it is supposed to be corny and horny where it is supposed to by horny. The cashier at the Adult Video store where I bought it said they can't keep it in stock. I wonder why? It is not marketed as extreme porn. The cover is proof of that, but just look at the back of the jacket. Whoo-whee. As a woman, I sure hope more movies like this are made. To whom ever is reading this in the industry... if you make more, I will buy more. One note: If you rent the R rated version in your local video store, be aware. This movie should not be viewed by anyone under the age of 17. Just because the porn has been trimmed, doesn't mean that it is not explicit. Overall this swashbuckling film has left me wanting to lace up my pirate shoes and corset and go hunting for my husband's booty. Give it a try girls. R rated or not, you will not be disappointed with either version. Neither will your partner.
Hostel (2005)
Eli Roth the new face of modern Horror?
This Horror Queen has just had the opportunity to see the movie. Wow! What a ride. With such an original concept, the idea of this whole movie is that it could really be real. I feel bad that Fangoria slammed this little flick. They over analyzed it. It was just plain fun and no more. People like me don't care about acting styles and camera shots (in horror movies). Just give us the gore! And Roth delivers. I must admit that even though the movie was creepy, it did not give me the genuine scare I usually look for, however the scare is what goes home with you after watching the film. (I know I'm never going to a 3rd world country to stay in a creepy Hostel anytime soon.)
For you guys, there is enough T&A in the first 45 minutes to keep you entertained. For us "Gore Whores" we get the rest of the film. One word: EYEBALL! I can't wait for the DVD. I know there is more that the MPAA did not want me to see in a public theater.
I highly recommend seeing this movie at the theater even though an "Unrated" version will probably be much better. Having an theater experience with a movie like this is just pure fun. (I thought the people sitting behind me were going to puke.) Eli Roth brings a raw new vision in horror. Something we haven't seen in a long time. It's dark, creepy, and definitely sick. But knowing he didn't have to spend millions to do it is genius! I am looking forward to more of his films. They can only get better.
The moral of the story is: Guys who think with their "you know whats", get chopped up into little pieces.
See it!!
Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (2005)
Partying Teenage Zombies?
What a piece of crap. I just watched this movie on the Sci-Fi channel this weekend. Although the special effects were cheesy and gross at least they made me laugh. The acting was sub-par. I can't believe someone attempted to make 2 more sequels to the "Return Of" series. (Refer to the other piece of crap Necropolis pt 4) They screwed with the story line too much. Rat Zombies?! Please. The people who made these 2 movies should have marketed them together as Night of the Drunk, Stupid, and Raving Teenagers. Or how about Curse of the Zombified Adolescents? Stay away from both pt 4 and pt 5. Just keep watching the cheesy old parts 1 & 2 and I highly recommend the underrated part 3. Catch parts 4&5 on the Sci-Fi channel and judge for yourself. Be glad you didn't pay to rent these awful pictures.