May impress those who don't care about any kind of quality in the films they choose to watch, but this is unintentionally the 'Airplane' of medieval movies.
Someone with no experience of plot and dialogue could have done a better job, it is dreadful. Spent the whole film waiting for someone to mimic Tony Curtis and say...'Yonder lies de castle of my fodder'. The best part was watching Ron Perlman finally cut through the crap, drop the pretence of being a medieval knight in this dire waste of studio money - and headbutt the demon. True Ron and what we love him for! Do not waste your time.
Reviews
11 Reviews
Black Sails
(2014–2017)
Thrones of the Caribbean (or Eton goes to sea)
11 February 2015
Warning: Spoilers
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery they say. That this series leans heavily on the concepts found in "Game of Thrones" or the early "Pirates of the Caribbean" films would be allowable if it were just not so poorly written and planned. The English upper class accents and attitudes amongst the "pirates" are laughable, as are the insertion of modern phrases, curse words and behaviour into a historic setting.
It is not de rigeur to entertain and grip the viewer's attention by inserting random and unnecessarily graphic sex scenes using a variety of gender combinations. This is a mistake that "Game of Thrones" made in moving from book to screen, but "Black Sails" handles them so badly the frequent panting and sweating becomes gross. Less is more as they say.
It is the 21st century and the role of women has changed substantially in society in comparison to 1715. Yet this is not well addressed by the writers who demonstrate their view of equality to modern audiences by portraying most main female characters as hard cursing, harder than nails leaders or schemers - definitely harridans not to be trifled with - then a scene later they become uncertain, emotional, whimsical beings. This inconstancy eventually irritates and whilst the two writers are perfectly entitled to ask us to suspend disbelief, women as ninjas is more to do with 21st century sensibilities than credibility of characterisation.
In summary, the plot moves slowly, the effects are too obvious (CGI boats), the characters are not engaging, the endless sex scenes are contrived, constant interruptions and the attempts at comedy are not comic (see the early POTC films as to how to do it well).
All in all, a waste of time.
Oh and having a pirate band softly playing the "Skye Boat Song" as background music one evening would have been so much more effective in 1715 if it didn't refer to events that took place in 1745, thirty years later. Whatever next? Galleons with Gatling guns?
It is not de rigeur to entertain and grip the viewer's attention by inserting random and unnecessarily graphic sex scenes using a variety of gender combinations. This is a mistake that "Game of Thrones" made in moving from book to screen, but "Black Sails" handles them so badly the frequent panting and sweating becomes gross. Less is more as they say.
It is the 21st century and the role of women has changed substantially in society in comparison to 1715. Yet this is not well addressed by the writers who demonstrate their view of equality to modern audiences by portraying most main female characters as hard cursing, harder than nails leaders or schemers - definitely harridans not to be trifled with - then a scene later they become uncertain, emotional, whimsical beings. This inconstancy eventually irritates and whilst the two writers are perfectly entitled to ask us to suspend disbelief, women as ninjas is more to do with 21st century sensibilities than credibility of characterisation.
In summary, the plot moves slowly, the effects are too obvious (CGI boats), the characters are not engaging, the endless sex scenes are contrived, constant interruptions and the attempts at comedy are not comic (see the early POTC films as to how to do it well).
All in all, a waste of time.
Oh and having a pirate band softly playing the "Skye Boat Song" as background music one evening would have been so much more effective in 1715 if it didn't refer to events that took place in 1745, thirty years later. Whatever next? Galleons with Gatling guns?
Pompeii
(I) (2014)
Take me now, Vulcan
27 September 2014
No. So inaccurate for the sake of special effects it is laughable. John Snow ends up in an eighth kingdom, taking on and beating all comers, regardless of their size and, just like Kiefer in 24, absorbing endless punishment with no lasting effect apparent for his next fight. Where is truth in film nowadays? Like Orlando Bloom in Kingdom of Heaven, Kit Harrington lacks the machismo to make his character's role believable. He is not a Crowe (no pun intended for GoT fans) and certainly not a romantic lead. The acting is wooden, the script cliché ridden and dire, being a series of unlikely cameos interspersed with Saturday afternoon movie destruction. Go mow the grass instead.
Carrie
(2013)
Buffy goes to the prom.....
8 July 2014
No, it doesn't work. Sissy Space managed to portray a genuine isolated outsider, she acted and looked like one. Chloe Grace works the other way, she looks like one of the regular girls trying to be an outsider. This makes her metamorphosis into a beautiful young woman for the prom scene have considerably less impact than Spacek's. You could see Tommy actually taking this girl to the prom.
The prom scene itself is now X-Men meet Buffy - beautiful girls being hurled around telekinetically; multiple angle replays of cascading blood; selective slaughter. The Spacek version showed someone driven beyond self control by events, whose hidden powers were working at the level of the Id so all present suffered. This Carrie makes judgement calls in the middle of her carnage and although a nastier film graphically, this is an example of the PC hovering on the fringes of the film throughout. Finally, the last five seconds of the remake are a total anticlimax. They should have had the courage to revisit the image that made entire cinemas scream back in '76. It confirms what a disappointing effort this really is.
The prom scene itself is now X-Men meet Buffy - beautiful girls being hurled around telekinetically; multiple angle replays of cascading blood; selective slaughter. The Spacek version showed someone driven beyond self control by events, whose hidden powers were working at the level of the Id so all present suffered. This Carrie makes judgement calls in the middle of her carnage and although a nastier film graphically, this is an example of the PC hovering on the fringes of the film throughout. Finally, the last five seconds of the remake are a total anticlimax. They should have had the courage to revisit the image that made entire cinemas scream back in '76. It confirms what a disappointing effort this really is.
Antiviral
(2012)
No.
14 September 2013
There are times when the quality of the camera-work reminded me of French cinema and the last sequences of 2001. it is good, without a doubt. However, sadly, visual imagery alone cannot sustain a film. There has to be some credibility in a story line so you can maintain suspension of disbelief by being too engrossed to query the occurrences you see, that creates the film experience. Antiviral's link to scientific and engineering reality is so tenuous, the happenings so illogical, even within its own story line, that you become uncomfortable with the leaps of faith the makers demand of you to remain engaged with the story as credible, even acknowledging it is set in the future. There is a feeling of low budget that afflicts the sets, the locations - an uncomfortable mix of studio future and external present day location selection - the props and even the secondary acting. At times, for those Brits amongst us, it reminded me of the poorer offerings from Dr. Who meets the cast of Interview with a Vampire and Stanley Kubrick. I would not recommend it, not even for the curious. It is neither Art nor Cinema.
The Sweetest Thing
(2002)
A sad waste of time.
26 January 2013
The problem is the first scene - before the opening credits - is amusing, which lures you into the film. It is all watchable - if predictable - as the story develops in the first quarter, but then it becomes completely absurd. It is a collection of tacky, vulgar and anarchic ideas, many of which have been used so many times before in the last 50 years they are worn out. Their solution to this lack of originality was to imbue these scenes with as much verbal and physical sexual shock value as they could muster. It is as if they wrote it as they went along, a tenuous central storyline with a motley collection of disjointed, absurd and - too often - puerile scenes added in. It is not for adults, it is not really funny, it is schoolboy (girl?) humour for 12 year olds merely designed to show what you can get away with under the guise of being comic.
The Expendables
(2010)
The Invisibles ......
8 August 2012
...would be a better title for this laughable piece of nonsense, there are many times in the fight sequences when it is so continuously dark it is simply impossible to see what on earth is going on. Perhaps that allowed them to use doubles and keep the costs down, but in the end the sounds of grunting, gasping and gunfire were no substitute for being able to see. The modern action film insistence on intercutting multiple ultra short shots rather than allowing the viewer to have a clear view of events simply added to the irritation quotient. In the end we were unconcerned with the story and desperate for it to end. It is so badly planned, scripted and filmed that Li and Statham must have owed Stallone a favour, it does neither of them any credit. Dreadful.
The Romantics
(2010)
Frodo - the adult years
12 September 2011
This film could have been so good, but turns into an irritating piece of shrieking alcohol-fuelled nonsense. You do feel that such people should hold no position of responsibility in their lives if this is the way they behave at parties. At times the level of suspension of disbelief would have required a professional hypnotist. As for Elijah, he played the hapless, on the fringe, Frodoesque character that he does so well - and so endlessly. It does make you feel that if the hobbit had finally made it into human society this would have been the only social outcome where the ladies were concerned. Save it for a really rainy day when the only alternative is "Titanic 2".
Titanic II
(2010 Video)
For shame, Shane
19 June 2011
After 100 years of movie-making the task of plot planning, script writing and having innovative directorial ideas must be getting easier. So many films have been made and there are only so many options that can be used. These days we all watch movies and say "Now, so and so will happen" and it does. We can even predict the lines actors are about to say and they do. We accept the shoddy products of an industry desperate to make money from us that would have us queueing at the Returns Counter in any other market sector. We understand that they will slavishly produce whatever the current fad may be to the point of absurdity and that is what we will then watch. So the impending 100 year anniversary of the Titanic sinking was a certainty to provide too much allure for Shane van Dyke to resist in making lots of money simply. He wrote, starred in and directed the whole sorry and laughable mess, not because he wanted to make a sensible and relevant film for the customers, but perhaps for his own ego and bank balance. The saddest aspect is that he insults our intelligence by trying to give his shoddy product some modern social credibility in tying the events to Global Warming. This is opportunism at its worst and Shane is quite plainly not up to the multitasking he has set himself, nor indeed to any single one of the three aspects he chose to attempt in making this insult to the thinking consumers of the English speaking world. Someone needs to tell him.
Nature Unleashed: Volcano
(2005 Video)
Shakespeare and the monkeys.
19 June 2011
Warning: Spoilers
You know that old statistics saying that if you give enough monkeys enough time and enough typewriters (well I said it was an old quote) they must eventually turn out a Shakespeare play? Things are obviously going well in the Simian Play Production section because this must be one of their early submissions. How intelligent plot/scriptwriters can produce such unlinked, insubstantial and inaccurate dross AND GET PAID TO DO IT means the rest of us have made the wrong career choice. They have not even shown enough respect to their audience to check the continuity, not just of the film sequences, but the plot as well. It is an insult to consumers that film makers feel they can manufacture such a poor product for our consumption. Don't waste your life, not even out of idle curiosity. Go and iron your socks instead.
Inquisition
(2002 TV Movie)
A powerful and thought provoking short film on the role of the Church since Christ.
30 August 2007
Dominating this film is a superb Derek Jacobi as the Cardinal Inquisitor.
Although virtually a monologue by Jacobi for long sections, there are fine cameo supporting roles from Alan Armstrong; a silent Stephen Billington and a mobile faced, equally mute, John Dallimore.
Based on a section from Dostoyevski's "Brother's Karazamov", the film discusses the reaction of the Spanish Catholic Church in 1680 to the possibility of a prisoner being Christ in his second coming.
A thought provoking, well filmed and intellectual piece, almost theatrical in presentation, with an interesting twist at the end.
Many lively hours of discussion ensued in our household.
Although virtually a monologue by Jacobi for long sections, there are fine cameo supporting roles from Alan Armstrong; a silent Stephen Billington and a mobile faced, equally mute, John Dallimore.
Based on a section from Dostoyevski's "Brother's Karazamov", the film discusses the reaction of the Spanish Catholic Church in 1680 to the possibility of a prisoner being Christ in his second coming.
A thought provoking, well filmed and intellectual piece, almost theatrical in presentation, with an interesting twist at the end.
Many lively hours of discussion ensued in our household.
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